Its start of the night and I'm dreaming of you
Heart aches, and I want to scream out to you
Roaming my though of the things caused triggers
But still can’t find what I deemed as Amo in my trigger
How much burning will I feel, how much can I take
Light this fire in this heart, and away these thoughts I take
Poem by: blogger
There have been few thoughts that I had shared in the past 6 months of blogging, and some I have been keeping to myself, I feel that it’s provoking me to do the current hunting on the net or seeking validations since i am being taunted and provoked by them or feel insecure and not wanted when i reflect back.
Mostly are thing that the last person (Mass..) did and or I observed through his actions, some made me jealous that there is yet another guy and I am just being tested and if I fail he would go back to him, and others made me feel that I can’t uphold what he once saw and what I was to him in his eyes.
The list goes on as the thoughts ravages through my mind, and I just want to write them out of my head, and just cleanse my thoughts through telling them on the open.
FIRST-AID
When Mass was going to interviews and was trying to close the new job, he was looking for some of his credential document as proof, and he was looking for the first-Aid Certificate. He searches all over but didn't find it, and when I started helping him to find it, as he was getting aggravated and upset, and I didn't want to see him that way.
i helped and searched the kitchen drawers and the upstairs bed side tables, what I found in there just throw me off the wagon, there was phone numbers and names on bar cards and bathhouse papers, hidden in a basket and drawer, and among other things like toys and popper and lube that we never use.
I couldn't think any longer i went blank and distant, I asked to go shopping that day as I just couldn't take the fact that there was another interest in his life nor could comprehend why he would keep those papers to this day if they were old acquaintances, things I saw broke a little inside me and I couldn't stop the cracks from showing through in my further action and addiction.
YOU LEFT A KEY
I loved the man so much that I never touched an item out of place nor went through any of his belonging respecting him and believing in him so much, I had chances to go through the whole house when he wasn't home or go through his laptop to find something i probably didn't want to see.
One night he went out for dinner with his friends (so he said) and i was not invited, i was okay as i thought probably i would be judged again like Adam Incident, (below) i went to scout for places for the gallery and to see the cafe shop i was planing on renting for a few weeks.
He left me a key to come over when i was finished, that day i had some terrible thoughts in my head because i wasn't given option of being at that dinner, i thought who is he with that i am not invited, and why was he distant leading up to the mystery dinner.
I resisted the thoughts of breaking his privacy and the respect i had for him to go through his items and find something and make a big deal out of them since i had the key and the time till he got home to go through his laptop.
I stayed at the cafe till late hours observing people and the traffic flow of the place and left around 8 to go to his house knowing that he said he will be home by that time, diving over i gave him a call and he said he was driving people and abruptly spoke in a fast and aggravated tone and hung up, now i was totally suspicious of who he is driving home that he cant talk on the phone and why was he acting way out of character.
He would never know that what i did that night was to prevent my self from disrespecting him, but i believe he still thinks i am the guilty one that night, while i had my proof though silence and distance that i got from him.
A HOUSE VISITOR
one evening He mentioned that there are some visitors coming over, and I probed to find out who they were, and two of them I knew and the two other one I didn't, he didn't say much beside that they 2 others are new friends that I haven't meet before. once they were over, I made them feel welcome by putting out the plate and cheese and crackers as if they were my guest, but next thing I know He was gone with one of the guests, when I asked the guest where he was they all said he is showing the house to one of the couples, (the younger boy around my age) I suspects something wrong at but I said to myself that he is just showing him the new house perhaps he has never been here before.
until they left and when I asked where exactly do you know them from, and he mentioned that he meet them at a sex house and the partners are open and the older is a pitcher and younger is the catcher, I couldn't stop the train from derailing to think what happened upstairs was not just showing the house nor was just a friendship,
He probably had feelings for that boy, that he didn't say anything to me and went upstairs, and what ever happened up there I couldn't stop to think about it, as that day he wasn't showing much affection to me and sat across from me the whole time and later on in the evening sat beside me knowing I was showing a bit of discomfort with what had occurred and happening.
SUSHI ANY ONE
His favorite friend was in town, and she invited every one out to sushi and to catch up, I offered to drive every one, and was supposed to go by his best friends place and pick him up as well; I was okay about it all and really wanted to see her daughters and see them in a social setting.
while driving to pick his best friend up, he called it off, and it was all exchanged in text messages and when we were in front of the building and waiting he said go he is not coming, I asked why, response was a bit cold and low in tone that he got a stomach ache and when I asked again do you want to go and check up on him as he is his best friend, he kind of snapped at me that he is sick and will be okay,
I drove towards the restaurant, even though I had the address and kept saying that we are going in wrong direction he said I know where we are going, (I knew him for so little time but knew something was wrong) he wasn't thinking straight stressed out and silent the whole time, we parked, and started walking and I said see this is the wrong street, he didn’t say much and we returned to the car and drove back in the right direction.
Dinner went well and I enjoyed it all, but he was out of character the whole night, and I kept wondering whets going on, and one day I confronted him that his friend wasn’t sick that day what happened, he mentioned that his friend didn’t approve of me and didn’t want to see me with him. I gasped for air literally inside and went cold so fast that I just had to go for a walk.
I knew the addict inside me would come out sooner or later, and even though I was seeking my validation only through Internet and as I recall I wasn’t acting out physically yet, I was to break sooner or later.
DINNER WITH ADAM
we had a Dinner once at his house and his best friend (the one who was sick the restaurant night) Adam was to cook the meal and to bring his partner, I said okay to be there with him, I got couple of wine on my way down, as much as I knew his friend knows about the whole first break up and my addiction issues, it didn’t sit well with me, I attempted to show my genuine side and be patient with his friend.
I was tested in every level by someone who I only meet a handful of time, he didn’t say much to me the whole night, talked to me through Mass, or the time I asked Mass that he should taste this vegetable that it tasted great, he didn’t say much in return either, and I felt was ignored the whole night, with every attempt I made to be social with them, I tried to mention this to Mass that I feel a bit uncomfortable how I am being talked to but he brushed it off, I didn't want to make the situation worse by making a deal out of nothing.
I attempted to make friends with Adam by complimenting him on his food and filling up his cup, and with every turn I felt a stiff back hand on my face, and I was running out of checks to turn, I went cold and silent for the rest of the night like flickering light going out, being ignored by Mass and just picked on by the guests.
Ive been thinking about these for months and took me days to put them down in writing as the longest post.
I am not justifying my actions by what occurred prior or in the course of my addiction prevailing over me, but I do believe that the chain of events was much greater than what I was capable of controlling and handling.
I've made a new bottom line to live the next 6 month being totally sober of any tool and affliction by any one or any mean, I will set the pace of precedent of being totally sober of my past and continue to live a sober life. No more email or web approval and to my main bottom line of sex or physical contact with anyone.
So help me God.
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