A week in summary

It’s been a crazy week; I had to finish my second course I took in the evenings, and was rushing to finish the assignments and reports that was due. I am confident I go a good grade from this course but unfortunately I need to take more courses as it wasn't sufficient to get accepted this fall, it was both last minute and not enough upgrades done.

I was a bit upset with the outcome of my school situation but I guess one more year or semester that I have to wait while taking higher upgrade courses to keep myself both update and sharp when I join the group.

in the mean time this week I have applied to a lot of job postings as I don’t see myself working at this location for another year, and I’m willing to get different job even if it’s for 6 month. It is a huge trigger point for my addiction as this year with the economy slowdown my pay is slashed and that makes me less self worth, with my pay.

The 8th month of my sobriety just passed and I feel confident about it, sometimes I feel to call my ex or to see him, and for a week now I haven’t talked with them and I have beaten the thoughts of needing to meet him.

My recent conversation calmed me down from the anger I was feeling, and in some way I am at peace now and have leveled off. Originally it was like an earthquake that shook the grounds as I had a different understanding of the past and with the shock factor I ran for cover and was anger and upset at the whole thing.

I will be going to Tuesday’s class this coming week for sure, this weekend was nice and today were going to a beach as a family.

9th month

"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, It is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."
- Kent Keith



Our Father, which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name;
Thy kingdom come;
They will be done,
In earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation;
But deliver us from evil.

Amen



I remember one night I was going to sleep over, and as we were together in bed, I asked him to pray, so I said my prayer for healing and asked him to say this quote, I didn’t know its name I only knew phrases of it, so he recognized the lord’s prayer and said it.

Even though I'm not a Christian it is a very moving prayer and glimpse of hope behind a dark cloud and one day a savior will come to save from this evil

Lost it

Circles for ever as a ring
Circles around me this thing

"Standing here out side your door"
As i go on and i murmur n sing

Flowers at your door for you to see
I now know you never got those things

Poem by Blogger


I had let go of the past and what I knew was the fact, but with recent change of past I am starting all over again with forgiving and forgetting the past, it’s hard, I have talked to him but more I hear his voice crack as I speak to him a bit more of me feels pain and anguish over what I did and how sorry I am.

This past weekend I was a bit down from talking to him again, and I felt to go out with friends on Sunday, and I went bowling with close friends and with my siblings.

It was a fun hour that I put everything just a side and I had a blast bowling and not thinking about my strain and stresses of addiction and being single.

As I blogged earlier about a ring that I got myself as my sobriety started to grow, that I’m not alone as I will always have myself and my soul is important part of me, it works I feel more grounded when I have it on and when people see it they think I’m attached and conversations are more clean and less distracting for me.

I took the ring off as I couldn’t bowl with it on my right hand, and I put it in my pocket with the car keys, and when I left I took the keys out and went home, and later that night I couldn’t find the ring in my jeans. I searched everywhere and called the friends who I went out with and checked with my siblings and the bowling place, I thought I had already lost the hundred dollar tungsten ring and was looking to get the similar one ordered, hence the ring picture I found to post on here.

but today while waiting for the kettle to boil at work I put my had in my back pocket and there it was a hard metal and when I took it out I was so happy, that the secretary beside me said "what did you find in there an engagement ring", only if she knew what it meant to me and more than just a ring.

It’s a good feeling when you find something you think you've lost.

At My Darkest Hour

No more dreams please
Thoughts let me be, freeze

If there was a word for the cause
You would win the award for the buzz

Don’t say you’re sorry cus your not
Your sorry cus Karma got you taught

That was quite the story after all
Go on and get your next boy-toy-story call

Award for best of lies go to you in all
For making me believe that you loved me after all

You cursed me down while I still loved you like stars
I forgive you after all these ugly scars

I saw you as a guiding light
Now I know you’re out of my sight

But you found a new lover
And telling me so it’s over

Let’s hear your award speech come on over
I’ll applause in ovation ‘n hug you my clover

Poem by Blogger


After thinking about it all, deeply and knowing in my heart what had happened, and even though I wanted to speak to him, I resisted to call him all this week and just abased myself with these thoughts.

I am a bit more relax now and I’ve been hesitating to post this poem for a while and I have changed it many times from the worst to a relax toned one that it is today.

I’ve been busy with my upgrade classes and few more in series for the fall as well, which are keeping me busy for now and out of trouble.

He is not reading my blog anymore and I am back to being relaxed with myself on my blog instead of watching what I am saying or doing.

Keep yourself in check while in course of sobriety and always be true to your inner values and what you hold yourself against in virtues and beliefs to build a strong sobriety foundation, and from here on out everything will rest on it.

What Did You Think?

< < < < < AUTO PLAY ENABLED > > > > >

What did you think,
I would do at this moment,
When you're standing before me,
With tears in your eyes
Tryin to tell me that you
Found you another
And you just don't love me no more

And what did you think,
I would say at this moment,
When I'm faced with the knowledge,
That you just don't love me ?
Did you think I would curse you,
Or say things to hurt you,
Cause you just don't love me no more..

Did you think I could hate you
Or raise my hands to you
Oh come on you know me too well!
How could I hurt you
When darling I love you
And you know, I would never hurt you..

Michael Buble At This Moment Lyrics


As I blogged about feeling during the course of sobriety, some days are good and others are bad, and anything in between. this week and now I’m currently going through a rough patch, I feel hurt and powerless against controlling my feeling and ability to smile. I've been reading some of the old conversation that I’ve had with him and when I read the text, I keep falling into a dark place where I find no happiness currently and a bottom to kick back on.

I know what I did in the past was really horrible and if I could see myself in the past now I would have disowned me too.

I've been listening to album of Michael Buble, every song just characterizes this past month so well, I have tears rolling down my face specially on this track, as I don't know what to say or do, my thoughts are wrapped around his finger, and now that I know he didn't even love me, but I still can’t turn off this love and connection that once I had towards him.

I keep reminding myself that he just cared, and telling myself, he was there because he is a love addict or the fact is that probably he can’t be alone, since he is serial dating after we broke up and going from one guy to the next, and as addmitted cheated on me, and cheated on his other ex.

I keep breaking his character image in my mind, so it’s more palatable to me, and I’ll be able to forget and disconnect myself from him, but it’s hard to break a connection from your heart, even if you’re not reciprocated on those feelings and your connection, or if successful in forgetting them it will never leave your dreams.

For any one going through seismic moves with old relationships, I suggest going through the SLAA program and being familiar with signs of addiction and just hear other stories of addicts, it make you more aware of what might be warning signs and symptoms of others around you and tools to stay away as much as it is or was your drug of choice.

Holding on To The Past

There is no savior
No northern light

Guiding compass broken
Hour glass needs a token

No raft coming, no search crew cast
How long leaky life jacket can last?

Buoyant in these waters I roam
Searching for a land call my own

Poem by blogger


Perhaps I tricked myself in seeing something that wasn’t there and set myself up for disappointment. I am trying to stay composed and selfless, with humility and patience, and try to let go of the past and accept the sequence of events for betterment of my life and my future. I find it hard to be weightless and response less against it, my only self expression has been keyboard and a LED screen, and this is where I find my balance.

After almost 18 months of therapy and constant living in the past, I read a great line while reading through addiction and therapy methods for people who are living in the past.

"Living in the past is like stones one carries with them while swimming in this vast ocean of life, the more stone you carry with you the more effort it takes to stay afloat. Carrying these weights on you for prologue period will cause you to fail in your sobriety and give up."

That is me still, even though I have no grudge and anger (coals example to burn me) but I am constantly living in the past, and smile or cry over things that happened in the past. Like the stones, I am carrying all of these on me and I am finding it hard to stay buoyant in these waters of sobriety.

I still have dreams about him; no matter what I have changed and how much I have tried to forget him you can’t change the heart.

Even though he has said sorry, but the scars won’t go away and I don’t need sorry from any one or him. I need nourishment by coming out, acknowledgment from family and close friends.
I know it’s coming to a point that I have to come out of this cocoon that I’ve built for myself, and I know that by being in the closet doesn’t mean people don’t know.

when I started my therapy, the therapist told me "Life is already hard as it is, why are you living a double life" I live basically two lives, one person who is straight at home, to friends and at work, and other person who is gay, I've had two separate life style which one doesn’t know about the other one, and I’ve been advised that no matter how far I go in my sobriety, the problem will still be there because the root of the issue is not dealt with. I keep refreshing myself on what I was said to me that day, and I’m trying to be true to myself and motivate myself in coming out.

The lesson that can be learned is, being true with your self is the only way to solve this issue around sex and love addiction that is rooted with being in closet or, as coming out it will creates sense of stability and self esteem that you wouldn’t find in hiding and being in closet and seeking constant sex as a quick gratification to fill the voids.

Moon

1000th visitor

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Use the link on the side bar to find a fellowship group near you for:
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Enabling Factor

As I’ve blogged earlier in the week about finding your roots, I was doing much fierce searching for then in my own, and I revisited the past pages, by looking at my childhood album and finding some happy times, and nourishing thoughts.

The happy child you see in the photo is me holding a rose from our garden, while standing in the backyard and posing for this photo, I remember every time I would go to the back yard I would pick a big rose flower or few small flowers and I would take them in, and I either gave them to my mom or my grandmother.

I had forgotten about some of these little details and when I looked at the picture and I asked my parents they told me few other details that I didn’t know of the place, and story behind the picture, which made me laugh on how cute I acted when I was little.

This week I am trying to be humble and take it one day at a time but with chain of events that has occurred its hard to forgive and move forward, I cancelled my evening classes yesterday and went to Tuesday session of SLAA, it was an amazing class some new comers and some old faces.

We read the step 3 that everyone is welcome to the classes and no one is turned away from any AA group and gathering. One person shared their experience of being in AA as alcohol enabled him to act out and it was a bridge to get to the other side, and made me think, so what was my enabling factor.

I have been thinking hard on this topic, and have read some material on the net. The topic is abstract as it gets for some its alcohol and drugs that enables them to freely act out in their sex and love addictions; they use alcohol or drug excuse to get away. others abuse their alcohol or drug in order to get what they want or suppress their feeling of addiction and hunger, some turn to gambling and shopping to either subdue the effect or bring up their self steam in order to stop from acting out, and in some instances people hang on to the past to stop them from acting out or the past will enable them to act out as the past laves them worthless and weak.

I have been really busy with my grandmothers situation, and have no time to really think about myself and now that I have time for myself and I’ve been able to think about what had happened and decipher the sequence of events I’ve been sick to my stomach to realize who I thought my lover was no lover at all.

The sequence of events for the past couple of weeks were too much but now as I time to obsorve with a wise and clear mind, i come to find out that there was no love in my past relationship, I believed so much that it was me who crushed the relationship, but my instincts were right, there was no love for me, as I asked did you love me and he replied "I cared" and when I asked him what made him fall for me, and his response was "the sex got better and better" I should have taken them as sign of a sex or love addict and ran, and today he is serial dating from one relationship to another, not knowing what he wants to offer or looking for.

I know some parts I slipped in that relationship but to find out that there was no love, I feel as a speckle of dust. Worthless and weightless, even though I have forgiven him but now I feel the scar is open again. I have stopped myself from acting out in the past two weeks, and I’ve masturbated and watched porn to suppress my feelings.

I wish I would have never called him.

Roots

A seed is set, to grow on its set
It grew slowly, slowly maybe
The branches grew out, as the tree grew out
Seasons kept coming & blossomed in spring
Right after the rain couldn't keep it tame
The sun just came out a night just went out
Several years later the tree was still there
Birds on the tree, magical thing to see
Melody of the birds, would fill up the land
Years in years out, one day a storm came out
The wind was hard, the branches came apart
The thunder went by, with its pierced wind
The tree was left, with its branches bended beneath
Soon the spring would, come back, and all back to set
But no sight of spring and a life at sting
The tree waited by, for the spring to come by
Years went by, no spring came by......

Poem by Blogger


I will blog earlier in the week about roots and how our psychology of mind is as basic as roots of the plant. There was once roots that gave room to the plant to grow, and there were once a seed that started it all.

After growing up people tend to lose their ways and get caught up in social enigma’s and dogmas, which makes us wayward and lost. Instead of waiting for a spring to come back in order to start growing, look deep inside the roots, those will never be altered and changed, they only grow stronger in time and sculpt you the person you are today.

Searching in nature for my answers, it makes sense when in therapy they keep mentioning my roots, and my comforting factors. They want me to go back to my roots, to that first sprout that started my being and shaped my scope of life. Of course that little sprout like the tree now it’s a giant roots that is set in its way and you can only examine it of how it was brought up through family and parents upbringing.

these roots are different from person to person, they captures every angle and highlight of our life’s, and help to shapes the human being you are today with characteristics and personalities that makes you unique. We draw power from our roots to get through the rough time and help families bond as their roots are bonded together.

Take care of your roots and never deny your past as it has made you the person you are today, love yourself before loving others, and pray for strength and humility to get through the rough times.

Power Of Prayer

I believe in prayers as a mode of expression and connection with soul and god, but I never beloved in their power of healing or having it remove affliction and grieve till recent days.

As I blogged about my grandma being terminally ill and doctors had given her two weeks, after having numerous numbers of family visit and I initiated prayer gathering with every one, asking them to say a prayer, by the end of the prayer said for healing, most adults were almost in tears, some already crying.

I am happy to say she is doing better but still in the same isolation chamber, and is given antibiotics still, she can carry herself back and forth to the bathroom and is holding down her food. Doctors are amazed that an 88 year old woman is beating TB while it was full spread in her lungs.

I’ve said short prayers in my heart almost daily at night before I go to bed, and somehow I am attributing my sobriety to them, as I was grown in a very religious family and parent up-bringing, I got disconnected with my roots and somehow though it lost connection with myself. I stopped believing in my capacity and myself worth and I gave it all away in gay sex life.

I am happy to be sober and have myself back to a level that is manageable and it not corrupt any more, but it is still thin ice and I don’t want to test my sobriety with integrating sex or dating back into my life.

If your lost in sobriety and can’t find the means of leveling with your own head, cut down any access to your dug of choice, this could mean various things, email, phone numbers and contacts or even friends. Go back to your roots and the way you were brought up. If you went to church or had Sunday bunches with the whole family or, every breakfast you sat together or every dinner every one was around and when you all watched TV every one sat around and laughed together.

I will blog later about roots and how our psychology of mind is an s basic as the way we were raised and once smiled to our mothers and parents and comparison to nature and animal kingdom.

PS: I like to thank anyone who read the posts about my grandmother and prayed for her well being. thank you from bottom of my heart.

Proposition 8

Its been a crazy week for me, with my family and as much as I can, I take time outs by running or going to my evening study classes and trying to put my mental and physical health first, its been some test full times so far

I want to blog about this story that meant so much to me this week and have followed it dearly, proposition 8 and how good always prevails over the evil.

Doesn’t anyone care anymore in the world? Why are we shoving our ideas and believes down people’s throat without the decency of calling it "Educational".

As many of you know proposition 8 was passed to stop the same sex marriage in state of California. Basically proposing the idea of partnership as boyfriend or girlfriend is recognized, and wife/wife or husband/husband is not recognizable in state of California.

Yesterday the proposition 8 was over turned by the public appointed judge for this Supreme Court case, which was brought forth by two couple from California, the case was filed since proposition 8 violated constitutional rights and charter of freedom.

More than 18,000 couple was married before the proposition banned their marriage and didn’t recognize their union, but today they are all celebrating overturning of the proposition and their reinstatement of their marriage and recognition under the law.

George Takei gay actor in Hollywood, celebrated with his partner after the vote and overturning of the proposition 8, His message to Prop 8 supporters? "Mind your own marriage,”

This is huge deal, as the Supreme Court case ruling, strikes down all other similar laws, in more than 15 other states there were banns against gay marriage and recognition of if you were married in another state.

Shame on those who thought they can revoke other people’s civil rights by supporting proposition 8, and silence them by treating them any less than a human being.

#1. Catholic Organizations – Jesuit raised and educated, this one pains me to no end and causes my blood pressure to blow through the roof. To me, it’s appalling that at a time when Catholic diocese around the U.S. are closing hundreds of urban and inner city schools and churches, this group can ill afford to be spending millions to legislate hatred and bigotry. Facts are that Catholic Organizations represented the second largest group of donors who helped pass Prop 8. Knights of Columbus (www.kofc.org) who’s founding principles are charity, unity; fraternity (but not bigotry) gave nearly 2 million to the fight. The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops and The Saint Andrews Alms fund round out the group of homophobes.

#2. National Organization for Marriage – Maggie Gallagher is the President of this Non-Profit that’s been set up as a national resource for marriage related initiatives happening on the state and local level (www.nationformarriage.org). This group gave over 1.5 million to enshrine homophobia in California.

#3. Fieldstead & Co – According to The Daily Beast’s "The Man Behind Proposition 8"Few Americans have heard of Ahmanson—and that’s the way he likes it. He donates cash either out of his own pocket or through his unincorporated Fieldstead & Co. to avoid having to report the names of his grantees to the IRS. His Tourette’s syndrome only adds to his mysterious persona, as his fear of speaking leads him to shun the media. While Ahmanson once resided in a mental institution in Kansas, he now occupies a position among the Christian right’s power pantheon as one of the movement’s most influential donors.” Fieldstead and Co gave nearly 1.5 million.

#4. Elsa Prince – This one’s really charming, Elsa Prince is the widow of Michigan-based Christian backer Edgard Prince who co-founded the Family Research Council, and the mother of Erik Prince, founder of the controversial mercenary firm, Blackwater. I’ve found conflicting numbers on the size of her donation but it sits over a half million and might even be approaching a million.

#5. American Family Association – Donald Wildmon, Chair. (www.afa.net), (AFA) is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization that promotes conservative Christian values. Widely known for their efforts advocating censorship of print and electronic media. The group fights against same-sex marriage, and opposes equal-rights and hate-crime legislation that would include sexual orientation and gender identity. They’ve repeatedly tried to criminalize homosexuality through various legislation. Their donation tops the half million dollar mark.

Visitors

Welcome to my world, there is room as I’m told
I hope its better news, next time I meet with you soon

Where to go in this world, as I see you, and you’re sold
Come here I got shoulder for other to cry on

you message me but never call me, your so sweet
But where to go, as I’m terribly missing you

Poem by: blogger


My grandma is not getting better as we prayed and trusted the doctors, she gets one day better but next day she gets worse, and the doctor keep moving to stronger medicine every couple of days to beat the infection from gaining ground. She doesn’t eat any more and when I visited her recently she stood up to go to bathroom and her arm was weak and very skinny.

We had visitors this weekend from out of town to see her, mostly grand children and some great grand children that saw her through the double glass windows as she waved at them and was happy to see them by her side.

Her other children want to come and visit their mother too, one of my aunt specially, and we are at midst of sponsoring them to come here and be able to see her before she passes, or perhaps get her spirit stronger to beat the infection if possible and chance that miracles do exist.

I have had no sexual desire lately to act out, and have been sober for 7 months and one week, for the most part it has been really depressed with the current situation affecting my family me and my other close relatives and family friends. Everyone is upset and there is a very dark shadow on every one, specially my dad.

I have broken contact barrier couple of times in the last couple of weeks, and have called Mass because he asked me to call him, I have kept the conversations clean and detached by not seeking his comfort or emotions, and still I was supportive of his carrier and cared for his lifestyle, which I caught myself doing.

I am lost in between all this mayhem, and chaos, and feel that after the storm i might find my self in a whole new place that will crush me. I keep tracking my activity and keeping my self chaised from all bad thoughts and actions to keep my self on my soberiety.