Thursday, December 31, 2009

Recognizing Sex addiction




Realizing the truth about your sexual and love addiction is the first step towards recovery, this at times takes years to establish and get to know your true self identity.

It will harm everyone who loves you and cares for you, they will talk with you and point out your wrong doings, and even stage an intervention that might take several times to accept.

Last thing about recognizing the sex addiction is that there will be relapses and there is no magic pill in the road to recovery.

My experience has been long, I have noticed these trends after summer of 2007 and wanted to change my ways, I didn’t know where to start and how to overcome them, I originally thought that when I find someone I will stop my ways and settle down.

The speed dating and anonymous activities continued till 2008 when I meet someone who really meant a lot to me, but at this stage I was so deep in my own lies and deep in my addiction that I couldn’t commit, and was willing to let go of the relationship.

After the relationship was over I was devastated and enrolled myself into SLAA classes “sex and love Addiction Anonymous” http://www.slaa-ontario.org/.

I went to these classes for almost 6 months; through this course I was tough a lot about actions and how to monitor myself, also tools to combat the addiction, also seeing a therapist twice a month as well it helped with talking about my situation and keeping me in check

I truly believed I was cured and called my EX to get back together, I was afraid I might slip and put myself on anti depressant medication that reduce my sex drive, but with all of these I slipped again in fall of 2009 and relationship was over, I relapsed and with the intervention that was done I went into depression and fearing loneliness I attempted to act out but couldn’t bring myself to go through them most of the time.

I’ve attempted to reach out to my EX, and I know I have hurt him a lot in the past year and he is human and deserves better than this.

My road of recovery from today onwards will consist of going back to the basics of SLAA and the therapist and continuing my medication of anti depressants,

My name is ….. and I am a sex and love addict, my bottom lines are seeking sex only in a committed relationship and not going through wanted ads and cruising online. And I have two days on my abstentions
.

Little bit about SLAA
The group goes through the twelve characteristics of sex addiction and twelve steps of recovery as listed below.

The Twelve Characteristics of Sex & Love Addicts
1. Having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved with and/or emotionally attached to people without knowing them.
2. Fearing abandonment and loneliness, we stay in and return to painful, destructive relationships, concealing our dependency needs from ourselves and others, growing more isolated and alienated from friends and loved ones, ourselves and God.
3. Fearing emotional and/or sexual deprivation, we compulsively pursue and involve ourselves in one relationship after another, sometimes having more than one sexual or emotional liaison at a time.
4. We confuse love with neediness, physical and sexual attraction, pity and/or the need to rescue or be rescued.
5. We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone. Even though we fear intimacy and commitment, we continually search for relationships and sexual contacts.
6. We sexualize stress, guilt, loneliness, anger, fear and envy. We use sex or emotional dependence as substitutes for nurturing, care and support.
7. We use sex and emotional involvement to manipulate and control others.
8. We become immobilized or seriously distracted by romantic or sexual obsessions or fantasies.
9. We avoid responsibility for ourselves by attaching ourselves to people who are emotionally unavailable.
10. We stay enslaved to emotional dependency, romantic intrigue, or compulsive sexual activities.
11. To avoid feeling vulnerable, we may retreat from all intimate involvement, mistaking sexual and emotional anorexia for recovery.
12. We assign magical qualities to others. We idealize and pursue them, then blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and expectations.

The Twelve Steps of SLAA
1. We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood God.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take a personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a power greater than ourselves, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to sex and love addicts, and to practice these principles in all areas of our lives.

There are many tools and methods available from the group as well, such as peer help, weekly meetings, books and pamphlets.
I suggest this for anyone who is recognizing the signs of addiction and is willing to break the chain of repetition and addiction.
I hope this blog helps you with my experience as well as the group help
Have a great start of 2010 perhaps you as a reader will make removal of sex addiction one of your New Year resolutions.
“Keep coming back”

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Getting a hold on



Getting hold on the addiction is tough, and hard to see where your slipping.

the best suggestion i can give is to monitor your actions daily and hold them accountable by taking inventory of what is wrong and right, it also helps if you have bottom lines, eg: no sex out side of a committed relationship or no masturbation.

i have had no desire this past day to do anything, my anguish comes from missing my Ex so much. i posted couple of adds in regards to addiction and how it has affected me and telling people to get help and go to SLAA website, it was mostly quickly flagged and removed after couple of hours, but i like to believe that some one read it and make a change to their life style.

i will keep posting those adds asking them to get help.

watching a movie yesterday called "Accidental Husband" the Dr. in the movie hit the nail on my situation about serial dating till i found the right one, but by the time i found the right one in my situation i was to enamoured to act on it and get my self together to be committed, i did everything in my power through participating but couldn't commit and felt construed and missing something.

i hope you get to find it and keep it

"keep coming back"

Monday, December 28, 2009

Waited for him.... but


yesterday i was at the gallery all day and send him one email that i will be there if he wants to come by, but didn't hear back, and finally spoke my heart and send him a message that "i miss him terribly". but still no response.

i was devastated and broken, felt lonely and unwanted, i acted out sadly to feel something, and someones touch.

it was wrong to do it, but felt right at the moment of my devastation. it hurts inside and i cant just turn it off no matter what i do and try to achieve i feel as if i fall short of my goals and something hindering me to give it my all.

none of my bottom lines are in tact they are constantly under attack from every direction with my slow self steam in respect to relationship and love and my addiction with sex that always has me wanting more.

i though i am cured every once in a while for period of couple of month and again it comes back and i do what i used to do.

why is the relapse is hard to see, and by the time it caught your already waist deep back into the whole mess.

"keep coming back"

Saturday, December 26, 2009

The Beast Taking over me

I acted out yesterday after so long and it didn't not feel good. I felt that he is gone for ever now and i wont have him back ever again. Lonely at last and just me and my memories of him.

i want to write him an email again but i know he wont respond and he will just curse me more and physiologically pressure me by putting me in a bad place.

at times those words just re-verb in my head and get me sad and depressed, i never cursed him or physiologically degrade him but i think through my actions of relapse and straying from the relation ship i did cause him hurt.

i am sorry for every thing, i just cant control my urges some times, and feel like a pit-bull in chain which always gets heavy around my neck when i am in a relationship, and just want to break the chain that much easier.

Being enamored and loved is something i want in a relationship, and i felt i was never loved in that relationship, and through his actions which were too subtle i couldn't translate much, but i knew he doubted me and his friends doubted me as well from my past actions and even my last chance didn't feel like a chance it felt like i was bugged and was being watched to see when i will relapse.

i don't want to act out currently but being single is not an easy task for me and i fill my voids with sex and fake happiness for now.

i want to break out of this chain but i have no energy and have thrown the towel in the rink for now.

"keep coming back"

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

exhibition opening

yesterday i had my exhibition opening, there was at least 50 people in attendance and at one moment you couldnt get accross the room since it was so packed.

i had close friends and some previous collectors attend among family and close relatives. i liked hearing their feeling that were invoked by the pieces and how it related to their lives through their interpertaion.

during the exhibition i was waiting for my Ex. to come throught the door and pretend this past year has never happned and just be there by his presense, of course it never happned even though i invited him on my emails.

i wore his watch as a fragment for his presence by my side, i do love him so much that i dont know why i cruise online to gratify my urges.

is he lacking on giving me? or is it because i was not truthfull from the start?

i am at loss of words for today, i just wish there was a way to remove my character faults and start over with him with a "hi" and forget the past year.

can some one ever get a 4th chance at love?

"keep coming back"

ps: on my drive to work i realized that yesterday i got soo many calls from friends regarding the opening, that the EX's name is gone from incoming call list and it was one month from the day he last called me by accindent.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

setting up

today i was setting up for the exhibition.

i relied on a friend who calls on me always for rides or to help him out for his job and even being a side kick on the shows he does.

Anyways but to make the story short he didn't come through, and i was left scrambling to find a person to help me out with the loading the truck and unloading.

finally i ask my parents and surely the dropped everything to help me, it was nice to realize that family is always there when you need them and friends can only pass the test of time to become true friends.

in the addiction front, i didn't feel or have any desire to act out or go cruising online, i was busy with the installation and part of me was already gratification by what people were saying about the installation as it was progressing.

but there was a moment when i sat in one chair and looked back on my arrangements on the floor i had a flash back of the coffee i had in that place two months before, and how helpful he was and supportive though the process, and he remembered that i like non dairy late. i don't know why i romanticized my self with this thought, when he is gone!!!!, but the only memories i have is the good ones, i rarely keep any bad memories of any one specially to go back and micro analyze it like this.

my therapist was right, that through building trust with your self and finding other ways to reassure your self that you are loved and desired specially inward love that is the power to a healthy well being

so do you love your self to begin and start loving other?

"keep coming back"

Sunday, December 20, 2009

last phone call

dear fellow bloggers

i spoke today with my EX for the first time after we broke off last month,

it didn't go well, after sending him two emails begging him to give me a 4th chance and i will give him a bond, to show im serious, he called me tons of names and i was in tears and he hung up on me.

i feel very alone now close to the holidays, even though with loneliness i usually act out, i cant i am very depressed and sad about it all, and disappointed in my self for the way things turned out and how i let it get out of hand.

i have a huge issue as well with the truth, i cant say it, no matter how much i plan for it, with a nice dinner or a walk, i just cant bring my self into saying it. it probably the good side of me thinking that i have been given a credit why should i go and ruin my image, or the fact that that person has a good perception of what they know about me and i cant change it.

either way, i have paid a huge cost with truth and realizing this is way too late for anything but i know that if i don't bond with my truth side in a relationship it would be hard for me to find some.

yesterday i started talking about gratification, and what it means to me, in general form, by getting approved for a hookup or a sex, i feel that sometimes i am still hot enough or still can get some one else who is hot, or some one who is not available eg, married or attached person, who would be interested in me.

makes me feel that that person thinks im hot enough that they are willing to take a chance with me and risk their relationship for my physical attraction, and that gets me off, most times its just virtual and never goes further, beyond the keyboards.

its hard to escape it and get over this addiction for me because, no matter what i do i am always looking over my shoulder to see who is thinking im hot, and who is hot that would compliment or stroke my ego.

i sought a deeper help about this with my therapist and he mentioned to increase my own self contentment and self empowerment, i took running as a hobby and have ran quite long distances competitively and leisurely, i picked up Italian because my ex was Italian and wanted to be able to say a few words in Italian when i meet his parents, i have been doing art and was encouraged to have an exhibition, i finally am and this place is opening up soon, hope it helps my own love towards my self, and increases my own self confidence.

"Keep coming back"

Friday, December 18, 2009

Obstacles in my path

I left off yesterday with obstacles that sexual addicts face on their road to sorority.

My experience has been an uphill battle that I am still climbing, so I don’t see my points being a guiding light to those who are suffering but just a warning sign and tracker.

Now that I look back I have been an addict since I became sexually active at 17 just a month left to my 18th birthday, I was looking for someone to date and was looking for it in sex and cruising sites, and I started to get burned by others telling me I’m not their type or would cheat on me over and over.

This trend continued till I realized that every gay man is looking for just sex and nothing more, and since I was not out I only saw single guys or guys who are in open relationships, I became sensitized that there is no monogamous relationship and everyone is just hooking up with others.

to this date I am in that bubble and find it hard to burst out of it, I know that there are couple who are together for years and are happy and monogamous, then how come I have not meet someone like that yet! Or been introduced to one as friends?

It’s all because I am in the wrong circle, my good friends who I have broken ties with are in open relationship and they just got a gay marriage! (Go figure)
My other two gay friends are hooking up with any one that is their type and not looking for a relationship with anyone.

Another big obstacle i see is not being true to my self, and still living at home and not having my own place, which sometimes makes me actout in order to be loved or fill the void of being with some one loving and carring.

I find it hard to listen to these kind of people, they do trigger me, and set off a mind activity that is hard to explain, fragments of the past come back and relapse like a movie in my mind, and I get tired of the relationship that I am in currently, and want to find a portal of gratification, if it’s just yea that I look hot and you would want to hook up with me or just a chat that gets me off for the moment.

I guess the gratification factor, the fake happiness I call it, sometimes weighs more for me than the greatest happiness of being with the one I am seeing, or in love with. No mind can fathom the other but I guess leaving room to comprehend this idea would be a greatest leap

I will try to explain more about the gratification issues that I have.

"Keep coming back"

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Second day and i am Enamored

second day of my Blog and I began to think of how I have lead this life of sex addiction and have lost all my friends and any one I meet, I leave a path of destruction where ever life leads me.

I have double scheduled myself to meet someone while I was with friends, cut myself short from family to hook up with someone, or even double dated people without them knowing.

realized my addiction after losing a person who made a huge impact in my life, which no I see that my sexual addiction is the huge elephant in the room which I can’t talk to about it, I have an issue with sex addiction and my pursuit of Love in wrong places. I look for it online only and very shy and non social when comes to my sexual fixes, I don't go to clubs or bars to pick up some one, just wasn't my way of doing it from the day I started so it’s very out of character to meet someone in a bar for sex, but someone might look at this ant think otherwise.

I have gone to SLAA classes and they help to certain extend with the steps, but ultimately it’s up to me to quite with a good support of loved one or friends.

It’s like a smoker who wants to quit and hangs around their friends who smoke, they don’t get to fully accomplish their goals, due to distraction or peer pressure.

The same would apply in sex addiction, but in a different level I will describe my experience on day three.

"Keep coming back"

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

One month without him

today i decided to have a one year journey with my self and write the events down, and as one of the step in SLAA "take it one day at a time".

I've tried this step and approach before by taking a journal and writing in it, it was useful at first then became more and more mundane and it lost its punch. there was no sense of guidance and no comments and i kept it secret and to my self.

My previous diary wasn't all truth either, it was more filled with infatuation and lust that i still had for my ex now that i read it over i begin to realize the webs i was weaving and how entangled i was

today i had no desire to act out, i was for the most part thinking how to regenerate all my anger and form them towards something more positive, i have an art exhibition coming up in a few weeks and i have made that my priority and goal till the new year.

today i also thought about all my personal accounts that i have opened up in the past month to keep my self busy and not to think about my ex. i have said sorry for my actions, this past time was my third attempt at this relationship, and it was my fault because i couldn't get a hold of my sex addiction and did act out during my relationship with my ex, i thought he wouldn't find out about my chats or sexemails but he was in there and all along participating in them as i didn't know (or at least that's what i think)

is there any one else out there with in my path of journey?

i like to close my posts with the last line form SLAA classes
"keep coming back"