2 months of Sobriety

it been two months that i am committed to my bottom line of being sober, and not have any sexual liaison or contact any one from the past or create new contacts.

with this moment of sorority its hard to distinguish the recovery, as i am still struggling with daily masturbation some times twice to stop me from acting out and replying to a temptation, i am also struggling with watching porn and cruising wanted adds.

i will be monitoring these in the next moth to come and want to gradually face it out, i masturbated once today and it was only because i needed to after two days, but i felt a bit crummy after wards as i thought i could over come the urge by keeping busy but couldn't.

i have created a new link section to help those people who are reading this Blog and i hope you find it help full as a resource, i have included other addiction sites, as my recent meeting on Tuesday there was a addict talking about their other addiction and how they stoped one but faded into the sex addiction.

i have been sober for two month, will be going to my regular Tuesday sessions till i test out my sorority.

"keep coming back"

Sea of Fire

Lost in the sea of Fire
Where’re you in all this sirens

Swimming in amongst these testing current
Kept breathing to find enlightenment

These black days unto the color of this pen
Can’t hold myself solid, where are then

In these shores I roam alone at night
Till my heart finds a solitude of you




I almost lost my 8 weeks of sobriety last week; I had to pull myself back from replying to a very tempting wanted ad for sex liaison.
After the need i closed everything and I masturbated and when I looked at the ad again I had no desire to act out any more, proving the fact it’s just a desire of quick gratification and there was no other attraction.
also I got an email from someone who I probably chatted last year and I have no interest of contacting as I don’t know them and I wasn’t to keep to my bottom line of not contacting any one from the past and creating new contacts for sex liaison

it will be 2 month soon that I have not had sex with any one and I am beginning to develop a big pride over the fact that I have been sober this far.

I was in my Tuesday class yesterday and I was heartbroken when 3 of the members, some with 2 week and other with 3 month sorority fell from their standing and one grown adult almost in tears, as this person felt powerless over their addiction as it got them when they were weak, and after wards left them feeling worthless.
But I am very proud that they came to the class the next day after breaking and seeking solitude and empowerment.

I wish every addict out there who is still suffering power and knowledge to know the difference and steer their path before becomes too late to turn back time and wish they would act on their situation sooner than later

"keep coming Back"

Well Done Babe

I told you this secret is a burden for me
All you said is good job to me

Now all I got for you is good job
Your insensitivity's when I sob

Your right, freedom is gone
So well done

See what your black heart done
Now be gone

All my day is night now
My heart aches,, owww

Well done



Ive been okay on my bottom line with sex with any one, and second one not contacting any one or making contact with any one about sex. but i am having hard time abstaining from masturbation, watching porn and reading the wanted adds, they are not a bottom line but i think they are threat to my main bottom line of not having sex with any one.

now i masturbate for 30 minutes or 1hour to finally get there, its hard finding visually gratifying videos or images to masturbate to, and i am afraid that i will throw it all out the window for quick gratification and a humans touch.

i forgot to go to SLAA class on Sunday as i slept in all day and basically forgot by the time i realized the time it was passed the start of the class

but i will be making my way to the Tuesday class for sure.

"keep coming back"

Breakfast at my Apiffany

your love is the heat that singes my lips

your love is the warmth that keeps me warm every night now

your love is the sun when darkness creaps on me

your love guides me like unto a compass at lost sea

your love is infused in my soul,

this love is like a secret in my heart



After a productive couple of sessions with my therapist it was pointed that missing a family life style was my craving, the same craving that i started to speed date and find some one to be with, and date people who were unavailable and i thought i had not meet the right person.

the sence of family i missed mostly was the fact i wont have kids or a family of my own to care for me and grow up with, and in my life it would be the men that come and go and nothing solid to hold on to.

i believed in this potion so much that i fabricated lies to have my self sat in it with my webs sewn so thick around me that i never saw what i was getting into as i was giving my self what i wanted, and what i craved, the piece that was missing from my true love life, a life that every one knows about and i can be proud of.

i thought i would have a movie ending where i find a charming guy and in 2 hours he would propose in a blue box and the rest just happy ever after.

now i realize every day that the only blue box i will get or deserve will be a box full of pills where i take a pill a day to stay alive to see the next day without the love i lost and feel the pain of my heart ache.

for this reason that i wont search for that blue box in some one else i got my self that blue box a ring that will keep me strong and wont want the dependency on some one else, and a woe to be strong for another 10 months.

i have been okay on my bottom line and trying to work things out with help of therapist, i will go to Sunday SLAA class as i really do need a group interaction

"keep coming back"

3 Month Now

Photographs

all i hold are all these photographs
its not you without you

photographs are just not you
they are killing me where are you

photographs wont bring a smile
it keeps hurting me, where are you now

now it wont be you in my photographs
and it wont be me on your photographs

my heart is stopping
without your smile near me


its been 3 months now without my ex, after being thrown out of his place, after his intervention.
i kept up my gratification and acted out on some of them after the intervention, and slowly realized how he did it in meaning full way, and for him to throw me out perhaps was his way of pushing me to see if ill still do what i was doing, and i was with no doubt
now that I've been sober since December 27th its 8 weeks now close to 2 months, but sadly this was conceived way too late, as i feel like a "boy who cried wolf" if i go back and he would be the "red riding hood" that trusted the wold way too much even repeatedly knowing what his plans were.

on December 27th i acted out by going to a local sex house, i meet some mutual friend by the name "J" at a "Bath house" he has a partner and they are in open relationship, his partner is handsome, seems very devoted and humble.

"J" seemed to not recognize me even though we have meet before a month and half ago, he introduced him self but i didn't and said "you really don't recognize me?" he said "NO", i replied "good, lets keep it that way" and walked away

in some sick way i saw what i had done to my ex-partner at that time, i am sure his partner didn't know he was there or who he was going to meet, or was too afraid to say no to his open relationship fearing it might end their relationship, and i went back to my room and packed up and left.

i vowed not to go back there for a month at least, now its 8 weeks and i have not contacts any one in the past or contacted any one new for sex, and i am less on line looking for porn or looking through wanted adds.

i cant go today to my Tuesday class as i feel a bit sick and low on energy, perhaps drained. tomorrow i have my therapist meeting.

"keep coming back"

500 day of MASS

today is Valentines day and 500 days that I've known my ex

like the movie "500 days of summer" we had many wonder full moments and downs in the past 500 days, as much as i want to meet "fall" next but i am still in love with my ex and no matter how much i analyze the bad things he did or said, i cant seam to wipe the slate away.

i was too depressed today to go to the Sunday SLAA and watched many movies at home and baked cookies

i dint have much to say today, but i have been sex free still for 7 weeks now
i wish this moment of true sobriety would have come before i attempted to mend my relation ship. i said i was but never acted on it, and tested my values before bonded.

"keep coming back"

Fire

Fire

i am here with matches and gasoline
i am alone and fire is after me

lonely without you as i cant breathe
cant stop thinking we were in a master peace

watching it burning blue and yellow
i have no warmth in my heart without you

as i made a deal with matches to leave
that's no deal if you are to leave

where this is headed i fear i have no break
& 'm scared that ill never see your face

this doesn't have to be
as this is tragedy



i came across an interesting article about sex and eating disorder. which indicated the pleasure center and food taste centers are in same zone inside out brain.

and in some people this centers are mixed and they over register by eating or vice-versa.

i know that not me as sometimes i don't get even hungry for food i am busy with work or sports, or even at home watching an exciting movie.

i though i would mention it if any one thought about this as source of their addiction.

valentines is coming up and i know it will be 500th day to the day that i known him and only have spend less than 100 days with him but i cant control my heart aching and the fact i wont be with him.

but for me at times these hardship fuel my motivation that much to get better and stick to my one year process of recovery, as last year i didn't do any of it in the face value, i was there in classes and meeting but not in spirit.

i was seeing people here and there, which was unhealthy but i just saw it as, casual sex that wouldn't be harmful.

its been 6 weeks in my process of sex free life
and there has been no threat to my bottom line this week
i have not contacted any one and no sex with any one

spring flower

Spring flower


Flower, flower, flower
lower your stem so i can see

see your soul, and your heart
smell your scent and feel you

tent beside you and adore you
care for you and cress you

guide you and guard you
protect you and adorn you

oh flower where are you
wont you tell me when you'll bloom



i am entering my 6th week in my abstention from sex with others

this past week was filled with a lot of tests, but i managed to avoid then and change the situation, and put my mental instincts into action and avoid the situation at all cost.

first situation occur ed last week when i got a text message from a old acquaintance, who wanted to meet up after a long time, i text'ed back quickly that i cant but if you wan to meet up to talk about the hard ideals that you've gone through i am here,
that really didn't work as the person turned around and said what they had in mind was to have sex, which at first triggered me and my though dashes quickly miles a minute

i though about what if i go through with it, and i can start fresh, or what if i reduce my abstention down to 6 weeks and go through with it. i have managed to not reply to the text message and still in my sobriety

sometimes i want to go change my number again like how i changed it last time, to run from my past and create a new identity. It didn't work last time i was quickly back to what i was doing and contacting new people, in some ways i stopped giving my new number out but that just one reasoning, but not a good excuse to it at all.

second one was at the gym, i was objectified by a person in the shower area, he started to curse me and after i looked at him twice he got the gist that i noticed him and he elevated to touching him self, and that's when i left the shower area and removed my self from the situation. i felt weird for doing so, i was getting aroused but at the same time i felt bad if i started to reciprocate his inappropriate gestures

i am glad these treats didn't test me to level of breaking my sobriety of 5 weeks.

i will continue to be vigilant on my contact levels with people from the past and will deny seeing them even on friends basis, as they are not friend if they only contact for sexual contact. i guess i do have a lot to learn even in my adult years.

i am still without any sexual contact for almost 6 weeks now and i feel depressed still and do masturbate, most of depression comes from thinking of the past and specially my Ex.

"keep coming back

Strong to get through

i don't have a poem today, but have had a lot of thoughts in my head lately some good and some bad.

mostly they are of the past which i cant change any more, but i do want to recall them and bring them to account as some of them are really bad action which needs to be de-rooted from my character defects and some are good which i have to strengthen them and some like truthfulness, make them the foundation of my social fabric.

i have admitted that i am a sexual addict and have committed my self to one year of no sexual interaction, i do masturbate, and i am trying to reduce the amount of porn i use to stimulate my self, i still have not masturbated without porn, i cant seam to do it without visual comfort of what i seek in a partner for sex, eg: muscular and physique specially endowment.

i am going to my regular Tuesday SLAA classes as i find it home and comforting, and will attempt to go to the Sunday afternoon classes when i am too hungry and lonely to have human interaction.

i have been sex free for now and find it easy on day to day basis but when i look at the long road a head i feel like i am gonna go out of line.

one thing bothered me when i looked back was the fact i lied about being cured of sex to get back with some one who meant a lot to me, he believed me, and i was apparent on the day we broke up, i saw him choke up and say " why cant you see us together"

for that i am sorry that i couldn't see past that day and wanted validation.

"keep coming back"