3 Month Now

Photographs

all i hold are all these photographs
its not you without you

photographs are just not you
they are killing me where are you

photographs wont bring a smile
it keeps hurting me, where are you now

now it wont be you in my photographs
and it wont be me on your photographs

my heart is stopping
without your smile near me


its been 3 months now without my ex, after being thrown out of his place, after his intervention.
i kept up my gratification and acted out on some of them after the intervention, and slowly realized how he did it in meaning full way, and for him to throw me out perhaps was his way of pushing me to see if ill still do what i was doing, and i was with no doubt
now that I've been sober since December 27th its 8 weeks now close to 2 months, but sadly this was conceived way too late, as i feel like a "boy who cried wolf" if i go back and he would be the "red riding hood" that trusted the wold way too much even repeatedly knowing what his plans were.

on December 27th i acted out by going to a local sex house, i meet some mutual friend by the name "J" at a "Bath house" he has a partner and they are in open relationship, his partner is handsome, seems very devoted and humble.

"J" seemed to not recognize me even though we have meet before a month and half ago, he introduced him self but i didn't and said "you really don't recognize me?" he said "NO", i replied "good, lets keep it that way" and walked away

in some sick way i saw what i had done to my ex-partner at that time, i am sure his partner didn't know he was there or who he was going to meet, or was too afraid to say no to his open relationship fearing it might end their relationship, and i went back to my room and packed up and left.

i vowed not to go back there for a month at least, now its 8 weeks and i have not contacts any one in the past or contacted any one new for sex, and i am less on line looking for porn or looking through wanted adds.

i cant go today to my Tuesday class as i feel a bit sick and low on energy, perhaps drained. tomorrow i have my therapist meeting.

"keep coming back"