Sunday, May 30, 2010

Fusion



Cold steel as it’s punched
Hot welding as it’s done

Shiny and cold, then rusty and warm
All in time, all in its tone

Comes together a piece is born
One day they are both torn apart

Means the world to artist each piece
Just weight is more to holder of piece

As the piece coming together building its mass
Couldn’t help it the last piece called Mass.

Poem: by blogger


I'M welding again; this image was the last piece I made, close to 6 months ago right before my exhibition. I love the feeling of something coming out of nothing, as I use scrap metal and just a welding gun to put together the pieces.

over all I had a good weekend, I went running a 10km on Friday and as welding all Saturday, then I went to a bachelor party, which wasn't bad as I had thought, they kept things PG and no stripper or dirty dancing after.

As we all were watching the NHL game 1 for the cup, and switching to NBA game, there was sports news of Tiger Wood, and people just jumped at his throat, saying things like

- Sex addict that’s a good excuse
- How can you call it sex addiction when you pay for it?
- Or things that bothered me

and I went for the loudest one in the group, he studies social science and knows of some psychology, I asked so you know of alcoholism, he replied: "yes" I said so what’s the difference, it is because something tangible and you understand the substance there for your quick to say yes that person is alcoholic, so in same case there are many types of addiction narcotics and coke, to basics that you know alcoholism, and to abstract as food addiction or even love and sex addiction.
Then he said yea it understands, and I said you can’t say that it doesn't exist because its drug of choice to some people and might not be the same thing for you.


so with that being said, what is your Drug of choice in your addiction?
please comment below or use the poll in the top right .

Friday, May 28, 2010

Floating Away But I Feel Numb



As previously blogged I have a, unexplainable sexual desires around the full moon and even though I wasn’t counting the days down but I knew something was different that day and when I checked the calendar, sure it was "full moon" written all over the 27th.

yesterday I managed to stay away as much as I could from the internet by being on my feet and moving around at work and running to do office supply run, while its not part of my duty.

Today I have started taking the anxiety depressant pill but I quarter the pill and take the quarter and the effect is much lower to the full pill with full crashes and suppressing effects, I have managed to stay surf free and less interactions of sexual internet based interaction.

Its full 5 months that I have stayed sober with my main bottom line of not action out sexually, but to be with reality I have come very close in breaking it and going through with having sex with people or the fact that I broke my internet barrier has been very devastating and at the same time harder to keep my sexual sobriety in check during the course of internet, porn and other sexual patterns can be only one click away.

I masturbate as much as I can at home and at my own presence so I won’t act out with other or remotely be interested in a sexual partner both past or to new sexual liaison.

Also I want to check in with my blog that I got a text from the guy I dated after the Ex last year, and it was neutral and was about him praying for my recovery and wishes that I am still healthy, but I haven’t replied back to him and have stayed away from the past and continue to close my past chapters.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Scared Of Moving On



Since my last blog of how I meet him, I felt a bit lighter by telling the truth in my blog about that day and honestly how everything else beyond that day was a mess on my part mostly.

But I still haven't come to close the chapter and as he said once "take my boots and march on" I am stuck in the past and the future, not knowing what future holds and feeling comfortable with who I know in the past and keep going back to it.

Could it be that I want to live in the past so I feel that I am no longer a sex addict or wanting to feel that my health is not compromised?
I don't know the answers yet and I am searching by being true on my blog and continue on my recovery.

the picture posted is photo shopped picture of an alter I found, I choose this picture since I had a dream recently, and the dream was at a dignified place, at a wedding where I was wearing a tux and walking down the aisle, but there was a bride waiting at the end of the alter, and I kept dragging my heels from getting there but people were cheering me on and being happy about it, and I was anxious and nervous, soon the dream changed, and I was watching someone else's wedding and I was watching a guy waiting at the altar and it looked a lot like him, I woke up with a pain in y stomach and couldn't go to bed for the rest of the early morning hours.

I don't know why I saw him this way in my dream, perhaps he is moving on, and I have had these thoughts for past while that my recovery is been too late to initiate anything or the fact I haven't heard from him in almost 6 months.

I have been sober still on not having sex, but i still struggle with the ad post


4:31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 4:32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
(King James Bible, Ephesians)

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Going Into The Dark


I had a very depressing weekend, I was living in the past and at one instance I was thinking of how I meet him;

I recall talking with him back and forth several times and Cam-ing with him, and telling him what an awesome name he has, which sounded so exotic to my ears, but we didn’t meet-up due to place and his circumstances of being far from me.
The day that we meet finally, I recall using my last message privilege to let him know to email me, and he did and I have kept that email to this day, even though the email account is closed now

as I drove to meet him, I packed my sex kit of condoms and stuff to be safe, I walked into the hotel room (I remember the layout of that room to this day) and he was wearing a dark hat I shook his hand, (his handshake wasn't firm and I can tell allot by a hand shake, either he was nervous about something beyond I what I knew) he had a black back-pack on the side of bed and talked about how his friends place was a mess and he rented this room, then we both sat on the sofa by the window, where had a small talk and before I knew I felt comfortable in his arms the whole day.

I recall spending the whole day with him and having lunch at an Asian place on china town, and shopping for his safety boots at a local market, and having beer with his friends and going back to the hotel room again to have sex again, and after I was dressing up to leave I over heard him say to his friend that "his lips are chaffed now) I felt degraded and did mention to him before I left. I left promptly after and that night I went for annual art show, and called him in case he was free to meet up and went to voice mail, and the next day I had a voice mail in return from him that "he enjoyed the art show and wished his phone wasn’t turned off for me to came over" (I saved that voice mail for as till I changed my number but I listened to his voice when I missed him)

That night after leaving him a voice mail I thought of surprising him with going to the hotel, so I went as far as going up to the hotel suite where he said he will spend the night but no one answered the door.

I wish I could turn back time to that weekend now with my current knowledge of myself and do the whole meeting all over again, as I terribly miss him.

That was the story of the first meeting with him and I think anything beyond that day went terribly wrong mostly from my side of not being honest and not being 100% available to him.

When i meet him, It was almost one year where my health circumstance had changed, and I was in a deep depression and constantly in and out of it, I had sex some time and I would abstain form it for a few weeks and go back to fill my dreams that was shattered with news of my health circumstance.

I had felt lonely for a year, after coming back from missionary project to Middle East and I did some things that I regret after coming back, I missed who I was dating back in Middle East, and friends and co-workers, it was truly my first place away from home.

I made many mistakes when I am depressed or lonely, and sometimes I can’t control the urges.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Reducing My Craving



Listen to the silence
Howling of the winds

How long can a candle wait
With flame melting its wax

Darkness has creeped on me
Cold of the night followed

But kept that corner of yours warm
That corer of my heart you took hold

The warmth i have there if for you
But your still not there to see it through

Poem: by blogger


Over the past few days i have reduced my craving for sex, i have been thinking a bit about the past and the fact that i haven't seen him for 6 months is a bit upsetting me, and has gotten to me, i have stopped mapping my blogs based on date where we separated, and i have hidden my feelings about my last boyfriend who meant a lot to me.

I have become to realize and understand that i cant express my feelings to him, but i haven't made my peace with the fact i cant see him any more, and its bothered me terribly inside, some times his voice resonates inside my ear drums and i miss him or the way he used to hold me at night.

its best to talk about it and let these feelings out, i don't know what else to do to stop the aching soul as i keep fighting the addiction with being lonely.

i am still sober on my main bottom line of not having sex with any one and soon will be 5 months of sobriety.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Self Control



I saw the comment of a reader about acting out and how terrible they felt, i was in the same case when i broke my Internet barrier, and do pray for your soberiety and every other addict out there still suffering like me and you.

but after reading a article by a therapist about addiction and to create a safe environment to live in that is both relaxing and calming and Free of all guilt and effort to stay sober, is recommended versus an environment where the addiction substance is available and your both triggered or stressed to act out.

it can both apply to drug and sex addiction, i choose this picture as speaks volume, the person is in a straight jacket but painting his cushion walls, while there is no cushioning there.
by tricking yoru self that your treating your addiction your both lying to your self and setting your self up for a big dissapointment and hurt.
target your addcition from the root and eliminate your trigger points.

i am slowly pulling a way from wanted ads and viewing them, i am still distrought about replying to some ads earlier in the week, but i have kept my main bottom line of not having sexual contact with any one for 4 months and 3.5 weeks

i keep meditating at night over my thoughs and my addiction and bring my actions to account before i go to bed and what i could have done diffrent as a lesson learned before i go to bed.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Launching My Self Foward



Moving on wards with the 6th month of therapy. and out of it i have learned a lot, although i haven't has physical sex for 4 months and 3 weeks but i was sober on my main bottom lines for about 4 moths of not creating any contact and emailing any one for validation till earlier in the month.

Today's therapy meeting went really well, first i spoke about the pill that it made me sick and vomited over the weekend, then we moved on with my validation factors and how i haven't been honest in the SLAA classes with my sexuality and how much it has hurt me by hiding it this far from every one.

It has made me more quite in social gathering so no one will find out any thing different about me or socially cautious, making me think of what would this crowd think if they knew i was gay!

First step is to come out to the classes and my therapy group that i am gay and crate a home where i can lunch my coming out to family and to people who matter to me the most.

i think this is a great lunching platform that i even feel comfortable with and no longer have to be the caterpillar in the cocoon.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Pill Differences?



i am not a pharmacist or a doctor but i am speaking from my experience, discuss with your doctor about your option if you have tried all your options of self treatment and restraint and has not worked

there is a huge difference between mood depressant than the anxiety and depression pills, they all have side effects of lowering the sex drive with huge differences

Mood depressant will suppress the mood to a blank stage, the person on it feels nothing, i personally didn't want to partake of any thing, and just wanted to sit some where and just watch TV or sleep for the most part, i had no appetite and when i became active and wanted to exercise i would get dizzy and when i forced my self to eat i threw up. i couldn't masturbate while i was on them, as i would never reach there to ejaculate.

anxiety and depression pills on the other hand, make the person happy and vibrant while affecting the sex drive by limp penis or lower sperm count, it also reduces the appetite but i didn't notice much as i ate regularly while on them. this pill worked for me for a while but the up swing of lifting the mood it couldn't stop me from acting out or seeking validation through email or Internet. resulting breaking the routine and not staying with the program.

I feel much better today after a long shower yesterday and rest. i have my appointment tomorrow with therapist to discuss another avenue for taking medication with less side affects as the mood depressant was terrible. i am still yawning from the side effects of the few pills i took and sleepy but i am glad i didn't take it during work hours as i could have been fired.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Lowest Abis



BABE I LOVE YOU, YOUR MY LIFE
HAPPIEST MOMENT STILL NOT COMPLETE IF YOUR NOT BY MY SIDE

YOUR MY CONNECTION TO THE SUN
YOU BY MY SIDE NO DARKNESS I CAN OVER COME

YOUR MY RAIN DROP, I AM A SEED
WITH YOU AND GOD, I WILL GROW SO BEAUTIFULLY

BABE I'M SO PROUD
THAT ONCE WE SHARED A BED AND YOU HUGGED ME SO BEAUTIFULLY

MAKE THE CONFUSION GO A WAY
AND WARMTH BACK IN MY HEART, SO SET ME FREE

AS I'M DANGEROUSLY IN LOVE WITH YOU
IF YOU FEEL IT, AS I CANT KEEP LOVING WITHOUT YOU

MY HEART SMILES just KNOWING YOU
IT FEELS SO GOOD SOMETIMES BUT HURTS BAD TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU

I LIVE MY LIFE FOR A HOPE, A CHANCE
& CLOSE MY EYES AND REACH, ARE YOU THERE WITH ME



I have taken two days of the mood depressant and have made me sicker so far, to the point that i throw up today again and i haven't eaten much,

i have scheduled an emergency meeting with the therapist after reporting the vomiting and dizziness.

i was in tears, while holding my head half way into the toilet and all i could think was him and how much i miss him in my lowest abiss.

i know i was instructed not to write about him and to think of him, but cant struck down a soul.

i will post later about the pills as i feel dizzy today.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Putting My Walls Up...... AGAIN



i have managed to stay sober through this adverse time of abasement and banishment with sense of loneliness and fatigue from exercising to be sober and staying away from sex.

to be honest i haven't filled my prescription still and yesterday Friday, when i came home i got many responded to ads that i had replied to, and most wanted to meet, and Finlay i masturbated to some one virtually and i left the computer knowing if i stayed on, i would be seduced into acting out physically.

i am still upset about breaking my barrier of contacting new people for sex or liaison and i cant seem to close that portal that has opened up. perhaps what i am feeling is the sense of validation and approval which i haven't had in almost 5 months.

i helped sibling with their birthday party coming up tomorrow and i wouldn't be able to go to the SLAA class as much as i want to due to the birthday party.

i have not much to say besides that i haven't acted out on my main bottom line of not having sex with any one, and to protect that i will after posting this go and fill my prescription for mood depressant.

i hope who ever is reading this and is a sex addict can learn from my lessons and mistakes. please pray for the ones who are suffering.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Melt Down




After my post on Monday I couldn't resist any more and replied to ads, and i broke one of my bottom lines of not contacting any one and creating sexually related contact, i couldn't resist the gratification factor of being in spot light or tied to some ones fantasy.

I haven't made any physical contact yet and I don't want to, but for some reason i needed a validation and someones interaction about sex, as much as it was unhealthy i felt alive like a druggie getting a quick fix, i felt a rush and wanted to go through with it, but i just masturbated at home and left the contact.

these contacts continued to Tuesday, and i almost didn't want to go to the SLAA class and wanted to make other plans to act out, but with bad weather i went to the class and talked about my current challenges post 3 weeks of being away from the class and i feel that i need the class more than ever to keep re-assuring my self that there are others and i am not alone.

on my Wednesday therapy session i did borough up these points and how its getting harder to keep my sobriety walls up and i feel like i cant resist it this time around, with a long terapy session of talking about the trip and ohters, i asked to be given a pill something that i can take on the spot when i cant control the urges so now i'm given a mood depressant to take when i feel the urge or when they are becoming too much to handle.

i feel horrible about breaking my contact barrier but i would have been broken if I physicaly acted out.

i will close the new email in due time and will avoid checking it.

i have been sober on my main bottom line of not having sex with any one for 4 month and two weeks now, and i am strugling with my other bottom lines of pornography, online ads and seeking gratification.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

What Do You Want From Me



listening to this music this week and it was calming and Serene, as i felt a connection with the each line and the bridge on this song, specially "No i wont let you down" in correlation with my suffering bottom line and felling the want to act out.

yesterday i obsessively and compulsively masturbated, to stop the urge of acting out, and in my head thoughts of planing something was beginning to be unbearable.

these thoughts even act in my dreams, so vivid that when i wake up i feel that i have acted out and a disappointment comes over me but i realize that it was a dream and i didn't really act out.

i don't know how to control these beyond masturbation which just subdues the feelings momentarily and comes back hours later,

i have my therapy session tomorrow and will discuss about my urges and what i can do to better handle my addiction so i can get through these dark spells of addiction.

the addiction is hard and sometimes i feel that i have beat the addiction and i am okay and that is when i make that mistake. only word i have for any one faced with their addiction is to monitor them and keep your self sober to know your weaknesses and your strengths and build on your strength and slowly eliminate your weaknesses.

Monday, May 10, 2010

A Car Sunvisor story



Today I was driving to work and i had forgotten my sunglasses, and i was fighting the sun after every turn as it took another angle, and i was constantly changing my visors to keep my eye out of direct sun so i could drive.

at one instance i was using the passenger and driver visors at the same time, in order to maximize my shade, and i had a flash back of months and months a go; when my ex was sitting in that seat and he questioned why the passenger visor was down, at the time i didn't read much into it, and my answer was genuine and the truth that on my way to work and back from work sun would hit me right in the face.

I realised that he cared to ask such question or he wouldn't have said any thing about it and just put the visor up if it was in front of his face, i don't know why he asked but even till today its echoing in my head.

in my addiction front i have had some though of the past, and so far i haven't contacted any one for sexual or liaison, and so far have avoided any email i have received.

i feel like i am panicking once more in my sobriety, and i feel that the sobriety might end sooner than my one year journey and so so wuld this blog.

i just read the note some one wrote on my Rome Blog, thank you, Italy was nice, and much more grand that what i had originally thought.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

unpacking

Finally i am fully caught up with my jet-lag and i am back to normal time with my sleep and eating. it wasn't easy hopping planes back home only to find your self in another one going to work again.

I couldn't sleep much during the convention and post convention with business dinners or places that i wanted to see in Chicago, and was usually in the room by 10 or 11 pm.

beside sleeping in till noon hours i spend much of the weekend unpacking and putting away the stuff i bough over there, both luggage had not been put away the business luggage and vacation luggage was still packed till Friday.

beside doing my choirs i wanted to go to the Sunday SLAA class, to get a chance to talk about my addiction openly or be in a crowd of others in similar situation, and also gaining a chance to be away for a while from family, but sadly i didn't get away as mothers day is today and we had lunch as family and other relatives came over and watched the pictures and clips from he trip and shared some time.

i hope to go to Tuesday night SLAA class where i would get a chance to check in with some of my concerns over my addiction and hear other fellowship members stories.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Back Home


have you seen a cloud that sores alone
left to witter in tears to dry

have you seen a blade of grass on a dry soil
left to challenge the emptiness around it

have you found a bottle of wine empty
its left on a street defend it self from a being crushed

have you even seen a soul crushed that died
with hope of one day to rejoice in the lovers arm



I'm back home today, the big jungle has nothing to compare to in Rome and Istanbul, those sites are the real jungle were you have to hussel to make a dime.

i felt alone today, and being deprived for 2 weeks of Internet i went on some inappropriateness cites for porn and wanted adds, and was very tempted to reply to some adds, after two weeks i couldn't abstain from it and i horded, and got it out of my system, it was party curiosity on who had posted since i was gone and what was out there on cities where i visited.

i cant seam to get Internet addiction out of my head, as perhaps i have used it cognisant and while on the computer for work or non work reasons, i go into mode of sexual addiction which takes over, and at times goes too far where i have to pull back.

while in Chicago i went out to the city millennium park to see the cloud gate and north Chicago to check out the scenic views after hours when the convention was over.

i have been sober for 4 months and 1 week now and i am glad i went off the grid for the two weeks as at times when i was alone or felt lonesome i wanted to act out and intenet would have been the tool to get it.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

While in Turkey

Today is the last night in Turkey, a city filled with mosques and its ancient beauty and its old ways. you can still find the mosques call for prayers 5 time a day, and people swarming to wards the mosques for each prayer.

the city is filled with shops and ancient ruins to visit, there are many tourists here and there is a huge hassle and bussel around this neighbourhood where i am staying.

during one of the walks i was passing a mosque where i saw a cat, (there are many) but this one looked just like (Daisy) and i wanted to go forward to pet but i stayed far and my eyes just focused on this cat and she was looking right back at me.

enjoyed visiting the relatives and family here and for the most part i had forgotten about back home and my job and stresses in my life, this peace was really nice to find in this past few days.

i am still sober, on my main bottom lines even if I looked at some one on the street or check out some one hot, i didn't make any contact as i was mostly with family and i wasn't willing to experiment here.