Saturday, July 31, 2010

Heat Ache



Why these heart aches won’t let me be right
As I climb onto and feelings won’t go away

I had my chance to save, to hold, and love
But now I'm living with heart aches, it’s tough

Matter not how far I run, and how high I fly
Its where once felt home, then tossed it out

Poem by Blogger


It’s been a week I haven't posted, but since my last post about my car issue, I have had a tougher week so far, with evening classes’ exams, and work and family life, it was a bit off balance, and in recent days the family life turned to worse.

I posted about my grandma and her health exemplifying how if you think negative thoughts, it will find its way to. She came down with T.B. and we thought she was getting better with the medication, and now she is worse and doctors have given her two weeks due to her age and strong medication they are using to control the infection in her lung.

I went to visit her today, and got her a picture frame with a healing prayer and picture of a religious sign, (they don't allow flowers due to pollen and respiratory illness) i got her the frame and the picture so she feels comforted and at home and grounded by her roots that she had grown up with and familiar.

It was a weary place to visit, something out of a science fiction movie and cold, sequence double door to enter the patient room, negative pressure sucking room air out, isolation from the outside; even the nurse wouldn't come into the room unless it was an emergency. You wear a shield head to toe mask and gloves, scrub before you go into the main room and scrub before you leave the second prep room.

I had a lump in my throat and my heart sank just seeing her through the double glass in the prep room, as she saw me and smiled and blow kisses at me, she was so happy to see her grandchild, and even thought she had no strength to open the wrapping paper I helped her open the frame for her, and she kissed it from her heart and asked to put it beside her bed. She was happy when we were leaving and in good mood.

I recall posting about some of my trigger points a while back, and how I started having sex to cover the sadness when my other grandparent passed away, and I feel that this could happen again if I lose my grandma. I keep going over it and shunning bad thoughts out of my head but reality is much harsher to face at this time.

I hope no one to suffer on their last days on earth, I ask for a simple healing prayer for my grandma if any one is reading this.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Over Heating



This week wasn't really a good week for me, starting with some vandalism to my car, someone scratched the hood of my car and drained the radiator fluid, (accessible from bottom of every car) I noticed water in front of my car when I returned from my run but it was getting dark and I thought someone watered the plants or washed the drive way.

But wasn't so, the engine over heated, steam came off the hood and i quickly pulled over in the highway going to work and I called home for someone to bring me some water, till I get to work, I kept replacing the water as it kept emptying itself out, as I didn't know you have to burp the radiator to get the air out and now the car is back to normal and I have replaced the melted parts since it over heated on the highway, but scratch on the hood I don't know who would do this or why?

The car over heating could have been worse, as i look at it in different angles, it could have jeopardized my life on the highway as i had to get out of the car on the busy rush hour highway, and open the hood to put water in the radiator or burned my self with hot steam coming from the engine while opening the hood, or if I didn't notice the signs of engine overheating i would have lost the car totally and would have been in a financial pinch to buy another car.

I had initial bad thoughts of who would have done this, and had some reasonable doubts and people in mind, and I don't know anyone else who would do this, as I have been sober for this long and no contact with anyone, I sought really hard for some excuse or over ride my thought of anyone holding vendetta with me.

I was initially angry of what was happening, and as it was out of my control I wanted to demand for some action by someone, I wanted to quickly jump to conclusions and yell and scream at any one who I found in correlation with the chain of events, but I took my time in finding myself again and solving the issue and count my blessing from not having this situation be bigger and much worse than it was.

I just want to be at peace with myself and as long as other people’s issues are not affecting mine or my sobriety, I am content at this stage.

Finding your snapping point and staying far from it, it is the best thing i did this last week, and you can do so while holding a sobriety and wanting to achieve peace in your inner self.
Not showing a reaction when provoked or not letting it get to you is hard, but its tolerances which gets stretched and compensates for the lack of patience you might have.
Forgiveness is a key element, when finding your self mad or intolerable over other people’s action, just forgive and forget it as its not a big deal to defend things while its beers on their ignorance or sense of their capacity.

Reflect on the quotes below on forgiveness and may you find peace and longer sobriety though them.



Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. ~Edna -St. Vincent Millay

“Be the change you want to see in the world.”
“Whenever you are confronted with an opponent. Conquer them with love.”
“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
~Mahatma Gandhi quote

“There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.”
~Bryant H. McGill quotes

Thursday, July 22, 2010

An Angel



I started painting Angels as abstract earlier in my paintings, and sold a few of them, some documented some not, but in recent months I come to realize that I want to try building an angel! and since I was getting better in my welding skills and gained some knowledge of metals while making smaller pieces, I reved into higher gears and finished the angel that I blogged about last month.

It’s finished now and standing in the back yard, I have sprayed it with salt and other non toxic solution to start the oxidization process and now it’s fully red, and gets darker and lighter with rain and sunshine.

I have always been fascinated with angel, and the fact they feel no pain but they spread love and joy where they go, their hears are light to fly and yet filled with joy and happiness where they land.

We all need an angel to find love in and feel secure, bring sense of nourishment spiritually and physically, allot of times you find it as a life partner and other you will find that angel in oddest of all places, some angels are perfect and others with character defects, which you wont see at first but will love and be loved over other characteristics of that person, but when those character defects manifest them selves, you either choose to see the good or have the bad over compass every thing.

have you found your angel yet?

Here are some quotes on angels to reflect on



The golden moments in the stream of life rush past us and we see nothing but sand; the angels come to visit us, and we only know them when they are gone.
~George Elliot

Angels have no philosophy but love.
~Terri Guillemets

Angels are never too distant to hear you.
~Author Unknown

Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts, and as a kid i had stronger belief in angels.
~Author Unknown

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Painting Anguish



I am a bit torn since yesterday, as I have started to sale the pieces of art that didn't sale at the gallery, I have no more room for my gallery sized pieces of art, and have posted to sale them for very cheap prices, I get chocked every time someone comes and picks them up and leaves.

I know they are worth more than that, but I can’t put more heart into it when it has gone un-appreciated for so long, I did what had to be done, by renting a good location and paying top dollar for everything, and making sure it’s not cheap. But with hype and buzz, nothing happened.

I have been contacted by my old art master that he has moved to west from Middle East and want to talk; I have been putting it off from talking to him as I feel that I let him down in some way by not being the artist he envisioned for me to be.

And when I talked to him yesterday he assured me that it will pick up it’s only been a few years that I'm painting and took him even longer than that to get to his 6digit annual income from being an artist.

He complimented me on my new pieces, and how far I have matured so far, and that they look very similar to his pieces even though I haven’t seen his work.

Life has its own trip you won’t see how far you can go without being part of its journey and embracing its swift winds and its gentle meadow, I’ve come to realize you can’t overwrite the past but you can make a better future from learning your past.

Now how was your past?



A light heart lives long.
-William Shakespeare

Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts.
-Charles Dickens

The notion that human life has greater value than any other form of life is both unjustifiable and arrogant.
-Wei Wu WeiSee More

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Dreams.......



My last night dreams were odd and filled with people some family and friends and my Ex from last year, i do still think about his progress and how he is doing.

Some of my recent dreams have been all around these issues of family, friends and the Ex, i come to realize a pattern in my subconsciously as i am constantly watching what i do and say so i wont come across gay or break my sobriety.

I was watching a recent video that talked about family virtues and and lack of it in western civilization, it was true, i was brought up in a strict environment where every thing was not allowed, and now in western culture every thing goes and your a sore-thumb if you don't conform.

Hence some cultures in east fear this western civilization and want to eradicate their connection to the west as they don't want their kids become Britney Spears when they grow up.



Search others for their virtues, thyself for thy vices.
-Benjamin Franklin

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Power of thought


I am in my 8th month now and from this 8 months i have been sober for 6.5 months of it, i have struggled on my contact barriers and so far i have kept a clean distance close to a week.

My grandma is getting older and she is pushing 90 now, with old age comes complication, recent weeks she has stooped eating and lost her appetite, and her cough got worse till yesterday when she had respiratory issues and was hospitalized for tuberculosis-TB,

its been stress full time for the family as we all standing by her and supporting her, while she is being negative about the whole situation and she want to go, and her health has deteriorated much more due to her negative thought training.

power of thought is huge and momentous, as it perceives the body and the soul, which connect through the thought, negative thoughts scars the soul and weaken the body, and positive thoughts inspire the soul and motivate the body to get there.

Have positive thoughts, as it prevails over the body and the mind, and keep positive thoughts and motivate your self to achieve more in life as your worth it.


The significant problems we face in life can not be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
- Albert Einstein

Thought creates character.
- Annie Besant

beauty steals inward.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friday, July 16, 2010

love is.......


I went running recently on a new path to just create a change and confuse my muscles, this road is filled with hills and steep bridges that it tests the endurance and creates more resistance while running creating more strength and cardio.

There was a graffiti written on the side walk, "Love is God and God is Love" it was quick and powerful, I’ve heard that before but it didn’t make sense till you find love and loose it and while in agony the only thing you have is god, and family, back to your roots of family system, to seek shelter and comfort.

I feel that with lack of sense of family in gay life I never found home, I have discussed this with my therapist and my family physician, who are both gay, they’re both responses have been similar and encouraged me to change my life style for the better as I have been always looking for them in wrong places and with the wrong people.

My sexual innuendo, started in the internet and starting to converse with people and then it graduated to meeting with them over coffee and then sex, then later on it degraded to just hook up and sex. I never found a family and moral routine in gay life, I quickly fell into the routines of other and adopted them in my own way, and by being online it was mostly scene for emotionally unavailable people or people who were already attached and in open relationships.

I understand now that my path was littered with obstacles and I didn’t want to look past it, and now that I am regaining my understanding and the fact that I have been looking for love in wrong places I am adjusting myself and removing my character defects to face life and love after my sobriety is mature enough to handle those situations.


God can heal a broken heart, but He has to have all the pieces.
~Author Unknown

What is the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you.
~Richard Wilbur

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Good night...... Angel



I got a text message from him yesterday that said "Have a good night", I was in my evening classes when I got this, I resisted by not responding as yesterday in therapy, I can only give him space and by me conversing it will make matters worse.

Based on the therapist, I am not ready and he is not ready for a relationship as he has some issues to sort through and I have my one year of sobriety to finish first.

it’s hard to digest all of this now, but I know it’s for the best interest for both of us to remain a part for now, as he is drug of my choice and for him to be looking for me online is another sign that its reciprocal and one drives the others sexual urge and in my case the addiction.

it hurt when he said "I cared" when I said "I love him", shows that he really didn’t fall in love, he was just afraid to be alone and would do anything to be in a relationship, versus being alone.

I am still sober on my main bottom line of not having sex with any one, and i have contact barrier of two days after talking to him 2 days a go on my drive home.
I have my exam coming up today and i feel, I am stressed because of the past week event to concentrate and study for it.

As a words or recommendation when feeling loneliness, surround your self with family and friends and not sexual partners and unhealthy life styles choices. Go back to your roots, and find what made you once happy before sex was a big part of your life or that relationship was big part of your heart, before going back to dating scene.



I am not young enough to know everything.
-Oscar Wilde

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Relinquish These Feelings



I ask him not to contact me but I am texting him and have called him, broke my contact barrier for past few days, it’s been one day now that I haven’t talked to him or any one from the past and no contact with any one for months now for liaison.
My web surfing has reduced to only few instances of fear and abandonment feeling when they arrive, and recently with 10 mile run and classes I have not given them the chance to break those barriers.

I want him to be happy but I want to be there with him, I guess it’s a classic sign of sex addict wanting to be rescued, I have predominantly expressed it in my conversations with I’m but I know now that I give in to my desires and I put them before what was good for me.

His lover holding a grudge against him and now Mass thinks I am in contact with his EX, I called him yesterday and told him I have never been in contact with any one, and it’s his mission for me to look bad for you, and the fact that I don’t need this drama in my life and specially at this stage. I would really punch him, if I knew where his EX is, since I know how hurt Mass has become over this issue, but it’s his problem and at this stage I can only forgive and give him the space to grow back to normal.

I felt that, I'm lost in the sea, and as his EX is holding my raft hostage from me, I can only offer my support, as forgiveness, as I don’t want to be in daily contact with Mass over the past situation, and I feel that he wants to be rescued, hence his contact with me and I gave in.

This too shall pass, this too shall pass, and I keep telling myself. That this drama and past week was just a nightmare and I never wished any of this on any one.

Here are some quotes that I keep reciting to just relinquish the hate and anger that have come over me for the past few days. I always wished that I would talk to him again, but with the recent drama I feel bad and reduced my concentration level, and I am constantly thinking about him, than myself.
The selflessness inside me comes out to help other while no one wants to reach out to help me when I ask for it.


God How unfair is this world you created? And why am I in it?
By: blogger

God is closest to those with broken hearts.
~Jewish Saying

If you're going through hell, keep going.
~Winston Churchill

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

His Story....


And no, it didn't mend my broken heart
I'll probably always have these ugly scars
But right now, I don't care about that part

After I hear you layed next to him
My blood boiled over that you loved him
Karma came around? as you had to learn

To think of how I feel when you saw'd it out
I didn't know that I had that much strength
Now you know what happens when you play with peoples heart

You see you can't just play with people's feelings
Tell them you love them and don't mean it
You probably say that it was juvenile
But I think that I deserve to smile

After 2 whole years of this bull****
Gave you all of me and you rooled with it
with your silence i see that quote is not for me
you over compensated and now your lost in it

You broke my heart, so you broke your own
You caused me pain, so but you caused your own
Ever though what you did to me was much worse
I had nothing, karma did it all, the source

Oh, but why am I still crying?
Why am I the one who?s still in tears?
But you really hurt me, baby
You really, really hurt me, still

I will never forgive you
As its the ying yang in me
One side hates you, other side loves you
And im peace at this stage

Poem by Bloger



It’s taking every ounce of energy I have not to contact him, now that the communication is open, and I have learned of his past 7 months, I never wished any of this to happen but karma goes around, I am trying to be supportive and withdrawn, as I get a feeling that I lost him forever.


Favorite Quotations
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
-Buddha

Monday, July 12, 2010

Start Of Quotes For Healing


I have related so far to every tool and society possible to use for recovery, and treatment.

i want to take a few weeks and recite some qutoes that helped me on my recovery, i hope you find them inspiring on your path of soberiety.


Turn your wounds into wisdom.
~Oprah Winfrey

No man is rich enough to buy back his past.
"But future is yours"
~Oscar Wilde

No yesterdays are ever wasted for those who give themselves to today.
~Brendan Francis

No......I am sorry


Yesterday I spoke with him, I got the idea he wants closure and to move forward, as much as he was sorry, he felt guilty about how he treated me in the past.

It so happens that he cheated on someone else in the past 6 months and he was upset and broken because of it, and could relate to me 7 months a go begging and crying for another chance.

I quoted the movie "Carriers" where the characters are running away from a disease, and when one character caught the disease, the pulled her out of the car threw her in the dessert, and she begs her boyfriend to allow her to stay with them, "I'll stay in the back in a bubble" because she loved him but he still left her on side of the road to die, while down the road he caught the same disease and was abandoned in a much harsher way.

but I didn't abandon him when he turned to me for comfort, I hesitated at first to call him, but I called him yesterday, when he was apologetic, I didn't make him feel more sorry than he was I took the blame for the past and justified his actions okay by what I had done, so he won’t have to take more pills to sleep or feel more agony for himself, I took it on my shoulder as I only want to see him happy.

I don't want to see him hurt, and by him telling me all the little incidents of the past few months didn't give my heart peace, I just tossed and turned in my wet pillow yesterday turning it over to find a dry piece to sleep on.
How did you sleep last night?

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Perfection



for those who are still finding sobriety challenging or their relationship a big chaos, due to lack of perfection or perfection standards.

Perfection is a goal, and not a state that any one can archive, its ever ending climb to seek the "ohm" in shakra or close to godly status of self improvement.

If one thinks they are perfect, its very shallow of them, and to seek perfection in other is cowardly, as one is to see the good in others (Buddha)

there is another story in Christianity about this, that i recall from my sundayshool years.
It is narrated that Jesus and his companions were walking and came across a dead dog on the street. The dog had been dead for a long time as its body had started to rot and a very unpleasant smell ruled over the atmosphere. So, the companions started making remarks about the heavy smell and the disfiguration of the animal until Jesus told them to look how white the dog’s teeth were.

Seek the good in others as other will seek the good in you, dont judge other as others will judge you, and doint the goodly you find peace and love with your self before you start seeking in others.

Today i had my 10 mile run, i was very close to his house, i finished in ample time of 1:34 minutes, after the run i was tired of all this back and forth and unbalance in my life and was tempted to drive by his house or call him.
i went home took a cold shower to relax my wiery muscles after the run took a long nap and watching the world cup.



God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Your Not Supposed to be Here



I've spent all my life on a search to find
The lover who stays for eternity
love that fills every poem you see
but again love has knocked me down
My heart got broke and im the one
I'm sad to say addiction won over me

So I fenced my heart and lock with a key
To take the time and take care of me
guide other, using my story
But I turn around and you're in here

How did you get here
Nobody's supposed to be here

This time I swear I'm through
But if you only knew
How many times I've said those words
When will I ever learn

Knowing these tears I cry
Must take a chance, spread my wings and Fly
But love can make ya do some crazy things
How did you get here



Ti vedo in ogni volto che passa, anche
Ma mi dispiace, non posso fare questo è di nuovo
così mi ha liberato
Non vi ho abbastanza amore,
perchè siete ancora alla ricerca di me

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Broken Heart & How To Prevent It From Hurting More


Heart had a hole now has a crack
I seldom gave it away as I quickly sank

I waited 6 months to mend this heart
I cease to find these its little pieces

Living the life with flutter in my heart
His image still flickers by as were still a part

I can’t take the pain how do I move on
I cry praying at night, but pain still not gone

Poem by Blogger


I wear my heart on my sleeve, I know this much is me, I show affection towards any one without wanting any thing back, but that only applies to my social life.
When it comes to love life I need the assurance of support and love, I know I showed affection and love in every form possible except when I didn’t find any I would act out in form of sex or quick gratifications via email and chats.

The only things I couldn’t do was to talk about those feelings that I feel hurt, and they are creating a vehicle for me to act out, sometimes I sit and think about what it would have happened if I "Rang the Alarms", and talked about his lack of expression or fact I'm not feeling support, and other times I read that how some relationships end, due to difference in feelings and demand that created stress for the other partner, so I didn’t want him to feel the stress that he is not expressing enough and for him to fake his feelings towards me in order to create a support feeling would be wrong as well.

The way I prevent it from hurting me more now are:
- To stop any communication with him
- Haven’t contact his friends like last year.
- I removed his pictures from the computers and my phone
- Removed document I compiled about history of his house
As much as sometimes I find myself wanting to see his face, and my heart skipping a beat even thinking about it, I catch myself from drifting off into love addiction and filling myself with these thoughts.

I’ve only developed these methods recently and probably there are others that people have tried. Please let me know how you get over some one, even after 6 months (leave your comments)

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

While in D.C.



Dear blog
It’s been a long time since my last posting,
It was a long drive there and back, and on contrary to what I had posted, it was a pleasant drive with fewer conflicts in the car, and somewhat productive and pleasant, we talked and chatted about when we were little and where our parent grew up.
It was nice to hear those stories again and created a fuzzy feeling of comfort about my childhood and sense of dignity to myself.

While in Washington and Maryland, we were mostly out shopping and at the wedding dinner, wedding ceremony and celebration, following July 4th supper and fireworks, and in the middle we visited other family member’s home in the mornings before dinners and suppers.

I knew that it would be yelling and screaming in the car, over directions, as we drove to state of Maine years ago, it was stress full and constant talks over who took the wrong road and we should go back, and the it wasn't so pleasant, so based on that I bought a GPS unit to save the stress and calamities that surrounds long trips like this. I am glad I did as it both came in handy while visiting other relatives and for obvious reason that stress for me is a huge negative tool to have as I lose booth temper and confidence, which is a slippery slope for me while holding minute sobriety of 6 months.

On the trip I thought about a lot of things, and I had both flash backs of the past and constant thoughts of what to do for the next 6 months to improve my sobriety, I thought of removing any one I had relations with in the past that wasn't early a relations as they were unavailable and to this date unsupported from my life. Both in gay life and divided straight life; family and friends. I started removing some names that had done things that were wrong to me from my facebook and phone, I purchased a new Laptop, and I was very specific in what I wanted, no WEBCAM and very basic for email, drawings and work related stuff.

I thought about Mass while in DC also, (my Ex) while walking the tourist sites on Capital Hill or listening to music in the car, or dressed up at the wedding, I couldn't help it but I kept relapsing over and over the same thought pattern and is unhealthy at points and others made me feel comforted and accompanied.

I mentioned I tried to get a better job, but no luck on interviews and job front, so next step was to get my certification, but still no better paying job offers, and final decision was to go back to school, I have enrolled to go back to school in fall or winter, for Masters program, and currently they require for some course upgrades, and for the next few months I will be going from work directly to class then going home, it will be a bit out of my comfort zone to do this but I will get into the routine of it, and so far the class is easy and very simple math and physics. Also I am forced to miss the SLAA classes on Tuesdays due to the upgrade classes but I will be attempting to go to Sunday classes for sure.

We arrive early in the AM hours today and I slept in a little before going to work. I was packed to the gills with work and was busy with correcting mistakes of being away for 5 days. I wanted to blog from work but just couldn't get to it in time; I am keeping my Internet to a minimum since the trip started since I wasn't available to private Internet and computer.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Pride



I won’t be participating at the event for mostly since the incident on (village) I decided not to test my boundaries by being in crowds where things could go wrong or test my sobriety this way, and to give myself ample time to strengthen my sobriety.

Also yesterday since I had the day off I wanted to go to nude beach, get some colour for the wedding, I decided not to go, due to the same reason above, even if I wasn’t going to be in the nude it was a wrong thing to do at the time of early sobriety.

I’m thinking of Mass and what he will be doing at the event of the pride? And who is he going with? To be honest I saw him there last year at the event, I observed him for a minute from the far before he walked off, but my heart just wanted to be next to him and was beating like a rabbit's heart

I hope everyone has a safe and happy pride.
My next posting will be probably after the wedding.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Clounds of You, Angel



Piercing light of your is present
I feel and draw from you

Each ray of sun piercing through my dark night
I feel the warmth and your embrace

Like a magnet pulled to steel
Unto a butterfly around a flame

I feel you around, need you and want you
That’s both manifest and my mystery of you

Poem by: blogger


it was a bit of a stress full day being off work and having the whole day at home, also it didn’t help having my brother home, (we don’t get a long that well and there has been incidents in the past) it stress full having him around as everyone is walking on egg shells and you really don’t want to get on his bad side over a small thing.

Since the stress was too much at home, I went for a 12km run today, to get my head cleared up, and get ready for the 10Mile run coming up in July, I feel ready and will train a bit more extensively and keep at this pace as the half marathon is coming next.

My Birthday is coming up in few days, but I will be at the wedding in Washington, I couldn’t help it but I thought about his birthday which is few days after mine, (who is he with and is he smiling ) when I think about him I get a lump in my throat and as much as I miss him so much I don’t want to see him hurt again by me and through my addiction, or have him stress over my thoughts and next action during sobriety if I were to go back.

I want to be honest on my blog, that I was checking out Mass’s Facebook account for the past week as I couldn’t resist, and wanted to see his new pictures, and today he increased his security, and I am locked out once more, miles away from him.

I am still sober on my main bottom line and it’s been couple of weeks that I’m sober on internet and other contact barriers, but still haven’t contacted any one from the past for months, and as I blogged before I like this to continue and fully find value in myself and find my own self worth so I don’t have to seek it through sex and love, and integrate healthy love and sex back into my life in future.