Whıle In Rome

I know i said i wouldn't be using technology while on vacation but my siblings couldn't resist and had to use the Internet while we were out, so we got each computers to check the emails and so on.

on work front it seems every thing is covered, checking the web email i was happy that ever email is taken care of and its business as regular and no stress when i go back to my job.

in addiction front i masturbated once since i left home and i haven't had much time to think about sex or my addiction.

people in Rome are very hospitable and are very nice, unfortunately not every one speaks English, and seldom you cross some one who does, but they would help you even if they dont speak English.

the city of Rome is massive and the modern Rome is mixed with the ancient Rome, you cant walk 50M without seeing a statue or some sort of a ancient site that is preserved right next to a modern building.

with the limited amount of Italian i had started to learn last year, it came handy to formulate sentence, "Dove Fonta De Trevi" or to basic "ciao" and "quanto" and numbers, i was really amazed on how much i had learned slowly, while it felt it wasn't really usefully at the time.

i miss the comfort of being at home, and at the same time we had these social culture back home where every one is ready to help others and be happy even if you don't have a car.

Now Turkey is next.....

Bags are Packed!!!

All my bags are packed I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye

But the dawn is breakin' it's early morn
The taxi's waitin' he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die

John Denver | Leaving On A Jet Plane Lyrics


I love this song as i have sang it every where i have gone, as a kid my family moved alot and even as an adult i traveled a bit, so this song became a Hallmark moment for me when flying or going on a trip, to me its a song about lovers parting and some how i have a connection to every place i visit, through food, culture or the people.


yesterday i started packing for the trip, and i recalled the donation drive that happens on our street where you give clothes that you don't want to them and in return they help out the needs and the kids who are new to Canada and so on.

as i was packing for the trip i went through my clothes, and got the ones i could relate a memory to him and i gave them away, perhaps it would make some else happy than for me to hang on to them as a negative energy and solitude of something that had occurred.

i haven't cruised the cities i will be staying in as i know i wont have the laptop any more and no phone, i will be going off the grid for almost two weeks and it would be a great vacation of life time to be out of technology and give my self a rest that is much needed.

I would blog all about the trip to Rome and ancient city of Adrianople and Constantinople.

If i get a chance i want to visit the tomb of Rumi the ancient poet with twirling dervishes, he went on a search to find his gay lover "Shams-e Tabrizi" who was Shunned by Rumi's family to ever see him, Rumi in return went on a self exhile from his family to find his lover, he wrote many love poems and texts but never got to see his lover, but he danced like a butter fly around the memory of Shams as a candle, till his last breath.

First is Healing

I am thinking of you in my sleepless solitude tonight
If it's wrong to love you, then my heart just won't let me be right
'Cos I've drowned in you and I won't pull through
Without you by my side

I'd give my all to have just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel your body next to mine
'Cos I can't go on living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight

song by: Mariah Carey | My All



I feel a bit up set still about the thought of the grocery store, but after the Sunday SLAA class, i feel much better to have talked openly about it in class.

i am still shy about opening up about my sexuality in the class, and put things in third party format and stay away from referring to any one as him or He in my "getting current" Moment of sharing.

after sharing and hearing other peoples story, i felt a bit more calm about what had occurred and to some extends i felt i showed a my wounds and now its time to start healing.

Through sharing moment in SLAA i found comfort and solitude that i never felt before, i guess i never opened up about my incidents of the past to any one and only talked about present time and how my addiction is going so far.

Perhaps i was more angry at the repeat of the same scenarios where i was bullied by my addiction, i was used as a vehicle to get to some where, that i didn't want to be.

I have managed to be sober for 3 months and 3 weeks now, i feel great about it, i feel good because i haven't given the sex addiction chance to bully me with into acting out and loosing my sobriety.

i would suggest to any one suffering with sex addiction to dig through these bones of past cycle of abuse either self inflicting or others, and log them for your self to know your triggers and be able to distinguish between the wrong and right through a sobriety, as any other way i have approached wont work.

"Keep coming back"

Grocery Store Incident From Past

I had a Good Saturday so far, went grocery shopping, baked a cake, did my worked out to polymeric exercise section of P90X DVD.

After my work out i took a shower and while shaving i was thinking about my whole day and if i did any thing out of ordinary, and every thing was regular and normal, i didn't objectify any one in public or wondered out of my routine of just shopping groceries, during the course of this thought i had a flash back that to this day it bothers me.

I recalled a grocery shopping trip in November 15, where, me and him were shopping groceries, i had a basket and i was loading things into it, next thing i know there is a second basket he has, i though he wants to make things easier for both of us during the course of shopping. But when time came to check out we lined up together and he separated into another register to pay, what bothered me was that there was no option given to me, that half of thing on my basket wasn't even for me, and i was left with paying for it with no alternative.

I have paid for dinners and groceries and even expensive wines for his dinner party, but i don't like to be put on the spot, even though that day gave him a glance of "what the fuck" he just pretended its normal in which he expect me to pay for the groceries.

I did pay for the items, i don't care about the money just the ethics behind it was wrong and demeaning, i bought the items to never consume even one of them, and we went to his house that night and that evening i couldn't stand him anymore so i left to go back home and be with my family, which in return the next day, the intervention occurred even though i was sober for the whole two week that i recall.

while typing this i recall another incident that when i was shopping with him, i noted that there is no tea in the house and mostly coffee, (even though he knows i am not a coffee drinker) i went to choose a tea, and he said i should buy another one for "D@^$ or D@^!" (his ex of 2 or 3 moths) when he comes over.

i was disgusted that some one he knew after me came first, and when i was with him he was still thinking about the guy in the past.

i tried to set examples of buying thing that he needed like asking him if he needed any thing from the store on my way over or while at pharmacy asking if he wanted any thing as toiletries, which i would get, but i never saw any of those actions returned back to me.

basically I'm angry now and I'm trying to to think out side the box and look for reasons for his actions or for him not returning any favors for me, i am falling short and makes me feel less worthy of others and depresses me beyond words.

some times with these dark thoughts i hate his very name. i don't want to say any more at this time.

i am still sober on my main bottom line and will be going to SLAA class tomorrow as i feel terrible tonight.

"keep coming back"

5 Month Now Without Him

Withdrawal and its second wave
Huge turmoil for the sand

Shore line’s eroded n gone
Sea floors receded n done

Once I walked thought of him on these sand
No more sand but thought still at hand

Unto these shore line waiting for the sand
Now I linger, He'll be back again


Second Withdrawal

It’s been 5 months now and today it still feels like I am missing something, and constant thought of him leaves me with feeling of wanting to be with someone else, someone who would fill the void,

But I recall making this mistake last year and I am not resorting to that this year, not after coming this far, 3 months and almost 3 weeks of sobriety now.

last class of SLAA I was congratulated on being still sober passing the 3 month phase which most people fail after this, as much as I have the feelings of acting out or to find someone to fill my void, I can’t bring myself to do it as I know myself that it is a slippery slope for me and I won’t be able to stop again, with excessive activities and being occupied with others.

I know where the second wave of withdrawal feeling is coming from but I can’t do much about it, as I can’t contact any one from the past, and at the same time I am not willing to be sexual. At times my sexual side dictates to be incorporated back into society and that I am healthy and know my boundaries, but knowing my addiction and how far it has driven me, it would only be scenario of Pandora's box where if I go back I won’t be able to see the limits again and slip back into the addiction routines.

As I haven't distanced myself far from my addiction I understand slipping back to regular routines would be as easy as switching to auto pilot.

The only words of encouragement I have is to monitor your sexual urges and keep them in check, also knowing how long you have been sexually active or your addiction was in control try do distance yourself according to that measure and be sober for longer period of time before incorporating back to dating and love life.

"Keep coming back"

PS. after this blog i was given orkid flower for my work station from my boss who i had though is non caring kind of a guy to cheer me up since he knows i have been under the weather for couple of weeks since i found out my cholesterol is through the roof because of stress.
He even brought the name of medication he used to take and recommended certain stuff earlier last week, which i though was out of ordinary for him to do.
I guess i shouldn't judge people by how they act on the outside

Painfull In Withdrawal

Gasping through and through
No air, its cruel its true

I want to be back and a regular person
I know i cant and will set me back so far

Navigating in the cold water of sobriety
Finding the path, holding the breath

What i cant mend is the broken heart at hand
Its bleeding hearts, and i have no remedy to mend

I fear the trail of blood will attract crowd
More sharks in my life, the crowds i don't want


Today i went to my therapist, i talked about the incident on Sunday, and how it felt degrading and sexually frustrating being in the "village" and i shouldn't test my boundaries any more.

i spoke about my break down at work yesterday and how frustrated i was, and i handled it well from therapy stand point but felt that i allowed it to happen for the course of years i have been at work and i never built boundary with older people at my work place who hold lower positions, as i feel they are older and deserve a level of respect, and now i am being walked on like a doormat. It wont happen any more and each case i come across will be example for others, even if it has to go to my boss or floor managers. in order to put it in concrete terms that respect is not just age there has to be standard of workmanship no matter what age or how old you look.

i talked about my trip and how i fear that my addiction will get in the way with my trips and i can avoid my addiction while i am traveling with family in Europe, but i don't trust my autopilot of instincts while i will be covering the convention for work, the result was for me not to carry the tool of crime, meaning the laptop to Chicago and allow my self ample time of "ME" time to relax or go to the park and museums to just relax instead of getting caught up in the hustle of being at the convention and wanting to act out in order to satisfy the hunger.

i will try to exercise this rule and not have the laptop with me while in Chicago, i think i can last 3 days without work email if any thing there are public emails at the convention i need to use for work only as its public and every one watching, so i am sure i wont act out by surfing inappropriate sites.

I have been sober still for 3.5 months now and have not replied to any ads or created any contacts for current or future lisaisons.

As they say in SLAA classes
"keep coming back"

My Boiling Point

kettle is full of water
stove is getting hotter

a while goes by, water comes to boil
steam comes out, whistles it out

inside the kettle has no more water
boiling for long time, with no break

now the whistle is silent
kettle turning red

who will be the one
turning down the tone



Today was not a good day for me, i was tested at work with stress level and constantly thought of being alone was echoing in me.

at work i walked around doing my regular inspections, and stopped at station which is becoming over due every week that goes by and i have allowed it, since its their first time doing such project at the facility, but when i pointed out they are doing some thing wrong, the guy starts talking with defensive and much louder voice, i mentioned that you have your ear protection on, some guys laughed and he got even more pissed off, then i told him to take it off in order to talk he still didn't come down and when i wanted to reach over to pull the cord, He got defensive and put up his arm resulting in marking my shirt with black ink, i was livid at this point as i am caring normal tone and he is yelling i said, "you can do the job but your doing it wrong if you want to know the right way call me back, otherwise full inspection is tomorrow!!!"

i did my part in helping the guy but if he didn't want to come down from his high horse to hear me then i cant help some one who says doesn't want it.

we will see how it turn out tomorrow!

the stress got to me the whole rest of the day, when others have no form of co-operation or ethics when it comes to work environment, i put my head down and worked and wanted to be alone and isolated so i wont infect others by my set mood.

I am still sober on my main bottom lines of not having sex and not making any contact with past or for future. i will be going to my Tuesday class this evening as i need to be there and listen to others and be in a loving caring environment.

"keep coming back"

My First Bike

Today I had an okay day, my body is aching from the P90X DVD workouts, i though i was really fit but the DVD and its military routines are giving me quite the work out at home.

I was planing to go on a run today on the street but my legs are a bit tired today and i think it would be fit to just do some stretching and ballistic exercises at home.

On my way home i stooped by a big box store to get an item and i found my self in the bicycle section and was temped to get some thing, while browsing saw this little boy trying on a tricycle and reminded me of a photograph i have of me on, when i was little, this tinny tricycle and a blue stripped soccer ball that was huge, and beside me was my grandfather that passes way when i was little, he was always dressed up suite and tie, (i don't recall seeing him ever not in suite and fully dressed).

When i saw this boy i just melted i stooped at the isle wondering through prices while watching the little kid taking his first strides with the pedals, his father was there, and keeps telling him your doing good, just bit harder, and he would push the back of the tricycle to make him believe that he made it! and was able to push by him self. the boy had a smile on his face and would jerk his body forward as it would make him go faster, it was so adorable.

In all of this a piece of me kind of died as i wont have that experience and possibility of having my own family is not very solid, specially with health complication and cost involved to go unconventional.

I am a bit upset and depressed to day, don't really know why, and i have been sober still and haven't contacted any one.

I don't have a word of wisdom or advice for today, but keep monitoring your bottom line and your addiction hunger in check.

"Keep Coming back"

My Weekend

I had a generally good weekend, on Saturday i slept in till 10 and had my regular house cleaning and bit of grocery shopping and worked out with the DVD and stayed home to relax and made food with my sibling while others where out.

Today i had my regular morning routines of waking up on weekend hours and watching a bit of TV, i masturbated watching porn before going to the SLAA class, as i was going to be downtown i didn't want to act out under temptation.

the class went relatively well i did check in my trip to Europe and the convention coming up and the fact that i was debating if i act out in Chicago it wouldn't count and my addiction side was lobbying for that option. and i checked it in knowing when i talk about it in the group it usually doesn't happen because the power of being cleansed of that dark shadow casts over it and shines some light on it. id did feel relived to talk about it and dispelled the thought from my head for now.

after the class i usually go for a small walk of some sort and i wanted to visit my friend who owns a cafe in the village, as much as i didn't want to go as i feared seeing my Ex or some one that might trigger me, also i wanted to test my level of chastity both in action and in eyes.

i started walking and soon after i noticed a group of people sitting at a ice cream parlor balcony, and just randomly rating peoples on looks and giving out numbers to people who pass by, (i wasn't looking at them and tried to avoid them) but some how i was rated a number, while passing by. i heard it and i glanced over for a second, but they like school girls they just giggled, i was totally discussed by their actions and wanted to say something, and to ridicule them in public, as my sex addiction side wanted to be approved and accepted every where it go and my other sober side didn't want to see any approval public acceptance.

i just walked to the cafe shop and said my hi and next thing i know i am being checked out there too, things got really uncomfortable and i said my farewells after 10 minutes and left and drove home.

i guess it was a good test that i walked down and saw what i was capable to handle and not, even though i defended my self at the cafe, but now that i think about it i had the option of not going to the "village" and i chose to go.

therefor no more mistake of going to the village or places that will be filled with sexual urges and negative vibes.

"Keep coming back"

Anger is Coal (part 2)

Today I was thinking a lot about both the trip and the convention, and how I can handle myself during the family vacation part but I kind of doubt myself while in Chicago.

I recalled being in Chicago in 2002, which some gay friends of mine which now are no longer close friends, I had scheduled for a few sex here and there while they were going for food sampling for their company and so on, and recalled the gay district "boys town" and how tempting it would be not to check it out.

I will come up with a plan to do something to pass my time there, like going and visiting the famous Chicago shiny Bean or the sears tower or the shopping district in downtown core.

I masturbated today at work, because of the temptation there and the quick way of finding sex there, I didn't reply to anything but I failed in distracting myself until I masturbated, then I didn't look for it or search the web things just came for relax and I could get back to regular routine of my work and I looked up tourist destination and places to see while there versus other stuff.

Also i was thinking about my actions in Florida and though that i was invisible and no one could see my action as Ive explained on blog about the "Rotten Mask" i though i would never find love or the fact that i didn't deserve any attention or love and i wanted to control the sex and love in my relationship, and mostly finding something potentially long lasting wasn't a thought in my head but at the same time i didn't want to be alone!

basically i want the sex addicts reading this to find out their true sense of weakness and control that weakness by not giving into its demands, also by not acting out and going through a sobriety phase to see if its manageable before becoming sexually active, otherwise it will be constant relapse and you wont see where your actions were wrong in the past.

I am still sober for 3 months and almost 2 weeks now, and haven't contacted any one either for sex or liaison.

"Keep coming back"

Terrible Dreams

lately with the pressure of my health and the trip to Europe, and if that wasn’t enough I was just told today that, after coming back from my vacation I will have to cover at a convention like the one in Florida last year.

In 2008, after a few weeks that we were dating I was send to convention in Florida, from work we drove down and the plan was to drive back. But I changed my plans I rented a separate apartment and stayed a few days longer and flew back. It wasn’t just sex that was on my mind, I went clubbing and shopping by myself, and I just enjoyed being free like I was in Israel. I did have sex with a couple of people and even though I felt bad about it he was on my mind.

The trip in Florida was a mess not a vacation at all, I hurt him, myself and there was no enjoyment that lasted to this day. It was all momentarily and faded, but the hurt and anguish still haunts me to this day.

While in Florida and on one of my shopping trips I saw a watch that was like the one he saw back at home, and I got it for him, in a nice leather box, to this day he has never seen the box that it came in, but knows that I bought it for him from Florida. I’ve given him the watch in 2009.

I see now that what I did in Florida was wrong going after my weak spots and giving into my jealous side and temptations, and only thing that made me do it was the fact that perhaps the relationship wasn’t based on truth and honesty and it was leaning ever more so towards the dark side of lies and cover-ups.

now with my vacation and work trips to Chicago is coming up, the stress levels are mounting, not because of work or too much things to do, I just fear that this trip I will be alone have my own room and time to kill, time that will be testing me in every level. I will bring it up on my upcoming therapy session with my Dr. and how to occupy myself more so I won’t be losing my sobriety and my main bottom line.

in lieu of all of this I keep having bad dreams about acting out, or having sex, I don’t really see who they are, but some of them are him and others are strangers, I wake up feeling aggravated and tired mentally, yet another thing to check in with the therapist on my next session.

"Keep coming back"

Anger is Coal

There are two types of anger, one latent and other instantly, and the lasting factors could be long or short, depending factor of the anger and how much it affected the person.

For me during these past 3 months I have monitored my levels especially when I get upset through finding myself lonely and tired from the course of my sobriety.

I now have high cholesterol level, at my age? Even with my daily trainings and runs, yes. It all source from my deep anger and upsetting relationship that to this day gets to me, he is constantly on my mind and wish I could turn him off.

Sometimes I want him back so bad, others I resent him terribly, all depends what passes through my mind and what comes up in my thought. My physician has ordered me to slow down and reduce the stress, be happy during course of anger and when upset cheer myself up.

I try to do that but, doesn’t work, heart want what the heart wants, and I can’t seem to turn this coal into diamonds yet, and pressure mounting as time is elapsing and soon will be 5 months that he is gone and as this gap is getting wider I am getting scared that I will never see him again.

I didn’t go to my yesterday class as I was doing my DVD exercise and I was into the moment that by the time it finished I was too tired to move. I will go this Sunday to make up for the Tuesday class I missed.

I am still sober on my main bottom line of not having sex with any one and not creating contact or contacting any one from the past, also I have managed to stay away from the ads for the past few days, but have masturbated to porn, lately I am focusing on the trip and finding a flat to rent and what to do while there with the family.

"Keep coming back"

Rotten Mask of Addiction

The mask of addiction is very loving and dear to the addict, as the addict harbors and lives under the mask, its feels like a co-living arrangement that one finds comfort in other, to part with it is to reveal the true person under the addiction. Most addicts feel that they have no character that will define them, or feel shallow that they will resort to their addiction and seek comfort with it.

some addicts choose social crotches such as smoking, drinking or drugs, but some will suffer in silence death of sex and love addiction, as the person looks and seems normal but they have addiction that is un-tangible or foreseeable in some one as its committed mostly behind closed doors and goes undetected.

The mask is rotten on the outside, and very apparent to lovers and people who hold the addict dear to their heart, while the addict underneath the mask thinks is going undetected and keeps the life style and the regular routines. the people around the addict want them to recover and change, they will continue to bring up the matter of the sex and the unavailability of the addict in their live and their double life or unmanageability of their life, (this warning light will differ depending how far the addiction has progressed in their life and how desperate they have become) this might take years for the addicts to hold the therapy at constant pace and not give into withdrawal urges.

in my case I am glad there was many talks and pushes from people around me, from both my ex and the relapse partner that I had during the course of 2008 and 2009, I would relapse but I saw progress in my small steps of one day at a time and then longer sobriety of weeks, but never saw months and thought that if I go back to what I felt was love, that I wouldn’t act out. But the constant connection to past and conversations of validation was tempting and did commit to some of the contacts as sexual liaison. the final hit was the intervention in form of me opening up to it and having everything read and analyzed, it felt degrading at the time as I was not welcome and thrown out of the house.

as the feeling of degradation was too much for me and I felt alone and feeling of withdrawal kicking in, I acted out for a month and few days till I hit the bottom when I meet a his friend in a sex house and vowed not to go back

no matter how you find out that your mask is rotten or your hiding yourself under a mask of addiction or social crutch, it’s how you realize and ‘Honour the people around you is the most appraised key, seeking help and keeping the withdrawal under check and going through a phase of sobriety before incorporating back in to regular social schemes.

I have been sober for 3 months and 1+week now, I masturbated yesterday, and wanted to go through some ads but managed to sway away from it and activate my "new normal"

"Keep coming back"

Loose Ends

Floating a way hot air balloon
With the ends floating in the air

Not having anything to tie myself to
A life line of a chute to bring me down

Where is the life, the love the dove
The one that, sought, talked, then walked

I feel as a mist, dense, white the cold
Killing me with your silence, distance, then you watch


Loose ends in an addicts life, refers to fact that they don’t find themselves desirable to be in love or limit themselves in relationships thinking they don’t deserve what they are getting themselves involved in.

Or

their addiction side makes the person unavailable, and to make the truth eminent and for the addiction to be able to go undetected for a long time before things change, as I have referred to it in the past, it feels like harboring a fugitive, while the person who is an addicts knows but feels powerless to change.

In respect to loose ends, my only suggestion is to go under a help or SLAA group and do attend your classes for a long period of time 6 constant weeks recommended before making decision about the class or your bottom lines.
Also with sobriety the addiction fades and you can see in what areas the addiction hindered the addict’s growth both emotionally, spiritually and in other aspects.

It’s been 3 months past one week now, and today I had a lot of sexual urges, that I masturbated at work, took me a while but had to do it, I was walking around work trying to hide it and was getting aggravated with peoples questions that seems redundant to me, and taking up my time from other activities like reading through ads which I would usually had been doing.

I don’t have urge to reply to any and with the new normal I know there is no point of checking out ads as I can’t reply to them or to create future contacts.

I have a trip coming up in two weeks and there are some temptations around it, luckily, I have my family on this trip, so I wouldn’t be alone and act out under temptation or being alone, I just wanted to check that in and be true with myself, as when I hide these thoughts, its most likely it will prevail over me, and twist my arm to go with some sort of sexual intrigue.

"Keep coming back"

My Run Day

I had signed up for 4 competitive and organized runs this year, and one of them was today, The 8km run was in a park with lots of paths and hills and scenic views, it was my second year on that trail so i kind of knew the routes a bit, and was pacing my self knowing where the hill and the descend points were.

driving to the event, i was preparing my self for the run in my head and going through thing like breathing and postures for ascending and descending hills to be easier on my knees, and for some reason imagined seeing him (ex) at the end of the race or some where in middle, out of no where i was chasing a tear down my face.

i go t so emotional over that thought of love intrigue or fantasy that it got me, with my sobriety i though i would get a better hand of my fantasy and intrigues, but it seems the farther i am getting in my sobriety i am getting more involved with my thoughts.

i finished the 8km run respectively under 45 minutes, it was refreshing to start the year in a organized run, and hopefully will continue till the half marathon in the fall with my sobriety.

My therapist has advised me to write about my emotions and it will clear things up, but the more i write the more involved i get with my emotions over the ex, and cant seam to run from the constant thought and memories that come up. as its apparent i haven't had a good way of dealing with it so far and don't have a concrete method of dealing with it, i am taking it one at a time and i try not to let it get me to lose my 3 months sobriety as a main goal for now.

"Keep coming Back"

A Watch Story

Dear Blog
If you recall I told the watch story the EX told me and I was mute about mine, I had a similar situation, where I lost my watch while having sex with someone.

This watch meant a lot to me as it was the first watch I bought with my CO-OP placement in engineering, and I spend almost all of my first pay cheque on this watch and loved it, never needed a battery and looked classic and elegant, who ever saw it wondered what brand it is and how simple and elegant it was.

I owned this watch till 2006, after coming back from Israel. I was devastated that I am back at home and no job prospects were holding well, I was constantly on internet looking for sex and quick hookups, where one day I meet a guy on the internet and an hour later I drove all the way down town, to have my quick gratification.

I recall that day I took off my watch and put it by a table and never to pick it up again, and I called back several times he never picked up the phone and weeks later when I called again he said "I got your message but there is no watch here" I count call the guy a thief and make a big deal out of it, so I just left it bee and continued to act out more.

The story was similar to the EX, but I couldn’t bring myself to share this incident with him, as I felt a shamed of my past and the addiction that I was willing to hide it than tell my story.

As I blogged earlier about my therapist recommending to remove myself from items that I relate to my EX, as yesterday when I wanted to put his watch down and wear my old ones, I found my other watches both dead, I don’t know if I should take it as a sign or just a coincident.

I hope that, that if you’re reading this and you’re a sex addict, that you’ll start being honest with people around you and find a sobriety that will hold you dear to yourself and your loved ones.

I’ve been sober for 3 months and 5 days now, no sex and contact with any one; I masturbated yesterday after almost a week of being depressed and down.

"Keep coming back"