lately with the pressure of my health and the trip to Europe, and if that wasn’t enough I was just told today that, after coming back from my vacation I will have to cover at a convention like the one in Florida last year.
In 2008, after a few weeks that we were dating I was send to convention in Florida, from work we drove down and the plan was to drive back. But I changed my plans I rented a separate apartment and stayed a few days longer and flew back. It wasn’t just sex that was on my mind, I went clubbing and shopping by myself, and I just enjoyed being free like I was in Israel. I did have sex with a couple of people and even though I felt bad about it he was on my mind.
The trip in Florida was a mess not a vacation at all, I hurt him, myself and there was no enjoyment that lasted to this day. It was all momentarily and faded, but the hurt and anguish still haunts me to this day.
While in Florida and on one of my shopping trips I saw a watch that was like the one he saw back at home, and I got it for him, in a nice leather box, to this day he has never seen the box that it came in, but knows that I bought it for him from Florida. I’ve given him the watch in 2009.
I see now that what I did in Florida was wrong going after my weak spots and giving into my jealous side and temptations, and only thing that made me do it was the fact that perhaps the relationship wasn’t based on truth and honesty and it was leaning ever more so towards the dark side of lies and cover-ups.
now with my vacation and work trips to Chicago is coming up, the stress levels are mounting, not because of work or too much things to do, I just fear that this trip I will be alone have my own room and time to kill, time that will be testing me in every level. I will bring it up on my upcoming therapy session with my Dr. and how to occupy myself more so I won’t be losing my sobriety and my main bottom line.
in lieu of all of this I keep having bad dreams about acting out, or having sex, I don’t really see who they are, but some of them are him and others are strangers, I wake up feeling aggravated and tired mentally, yet another thing to check in with the therapist on my next session.
"Keep coming back"
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