Painfull In Withdrawal

Gasping through and through
No air, its cruel its true

I want to be back and a regular person
I know i cant and will set me back so far

Navigating in the cold water of sobriety
Finding the path, holding the breath

What i cant mend is the broken heart at hand
Its bleeding hearts, and i have no remedy to mend

I fear the trail of blood will attract crowd
More sharks in my life, the crowds i don't want


Today i went to my therapist, i talked about the incident on Sunday, and how it felt degrading and sexually frustrating being in the "village" and i shouldn't test my boundaries any more.

i spoke about my break down at work yesterday and how frustrated i was, and i handled it well from therapy stand point but felt that i allowed it to happen for the course of years i have been at work and i never built boundary with older people at my work place who hold lower positions, as i feel they are older and deserve a level of respect, and now i am being walked on like a doormat. It wont happen any more and each case i come across will be example for others, even if it has to go to my boss or floor managers. in order to put it in concrete terms that respect is not just age there has to be standard of workmanship no matter what age or how old you look.

i talked about my trip and how i fear that my addiction will get in the way with my trips and i can avoid my addiction while i am traveling with family in Europe, but i don't trust my autopilot of instincts while i will be covering the convention for work, the result was for me not to carry the tool of crime, meaning the laptop to Chicago and allow my self ample time of "ME" time to relax or go to the park and museums to just relax instead of getting caught up in the hustle of being at the convention and wanting to act out in order to satisfy the hunger.

i will try to exercise this rule and not have the laptop with me while in Chicago, i think i can last 3 days without work email if any thing there are public emails at the convention i need to use for work only as its public and every one watching, so i am sure i wont act out by surfing inappropriate sites.

I have been sober still for 3.5 months now and have not replied to any ads or created any contacts for current or future lisaisons.

As they say in SLAA classes
"keep coming back"