Reflection

When he comes to me, I am ready.
I'll wash his feet with my hair if he needs.
Forgive him when his tongue lies through his brain.
Even after three times he betrays me.
I'll bring him down, a king with no crown.
Judas look what have you done
My heart bleeds and you think it's fun?

Lyrics from Judas by Lady Gaga


I’ve read these lyrics which are to be released later on the year and found them so powerful and meaningful, perhaps not everyone will get it, but Judas in biblical is one of the 12 disciples who for 30 pieces of silver delivered Jesus into the hand of the authorities to be nailed into the cross.


Update
I’ve don’t a lot in the past month in order to forget the past and move on, but still find my ways in old memories and entangled by them, I’ve joined back at the gym and every time I go to wear my dry fit shirts I remember he once wore the red one and can’t bring myself to put in on.

I’ve joined a few gay dating sites and after being messaged by the EX and I’ve ignored his messages though out this, but again it was hard to realize how freely he is looking and it perturbed me for a few days and I was upset about it.

This past month I’ve fully come out to my family to gain a support and their understanding of me being gay no more hiding and no more being in closet at least at home.

Over all it was an ok month with celebration of the spring and seeing old family and relatives rejuvenated the roots and since of belonging.

I’ve been asked for more painting from the art gallery which I’m in the midst of putting them together and updating the website with, its empowering to see other appreciate my art and brings a big self worth to me with their kind words and support.

Refresh your thought and actions and make sure what you do is best in line with your own interest and your own well being, as others are merely there as decoration and if you feel good they will only extend that more and if you feel terrible and down they will only make it that much worse.

Bring yourself to account each day,
And if you don’t cast a shadow you’re not standing in the light of someone who adorns you.

Spring has Spung

Happy Spring and Easter

in out most cultures dating back to BC they celebrate the coming of the spring as a natures cleansing and refreshing and rebirth of the new cycle.

amazing you find that in almost every culture but yet its so disconnected from each other and every tribe or culture or country calls it differently and hold it guarded to their own.

but all eminent that humans evolution would peak in the spring with the warmth and the sprout of the green growing everywhere and making it visible that the new year has come.

the same can be read in many cultures with rebirth waiting and one should put aside the headache and pains and let there be peace to start the spring and new year with new sprout and new branches to.

so find that inner spring in you nourish it and know that the new day is here, open up the windows do the spring cleaning spritually and get ready for a great year a head.

Happy new year (coming of spring) and happy easter.


"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against "
Poem by Rumi

belloy2k

February Update

With all this pain I measure
Compass in me points to a treasure

It’s never good to measure the pain
But yet you'll never get to this treasure

Finding myself in line with this pain
Can’t complete life not having closure is this pain

I had fallen onto a path of lesion
And was all drained and in corrosion

I’m better but feeling this pressure
Matter how life sustains pain of this trash

Now I’ve started my life so fresh
Thank you for making me feel momentum of That Crash

That day I lost you in the smash
Slow mode plays in my head so fresh

What I lost that day was a true treasure
But I feel the pain I still measure

Poem by blogger



I was with an old friend this past weekend, whom I had not seen for over 3 years, we had lunch and when he asked, how’s my love life, and my response was I’m still trying to get over some one, he assured me I’m still a catch but as much as I don’t feel it inside and still hide myself from getting hurt it was nice to have an old friends support on my side for a change.

He encouraged me to come out to rest of my family and be open to myself and embrace the gay life and just be me.

I guess in some cathartic way I had a break through by talking to this friend and when we talked about my conversations about the EX and drained myself of the emotional attachments and talked openly, he said don’t wait for a promises of tomorrow as his view was it will never come, people drift apart and find others, you should do the same and don’t just sit there and wait for the promises as it sounds like it’s never coming.

I wrote this Poem Crash to just put things in perspective that I was in a crash meteorically that relationship collided, and the love I had dies there and it would be much easier to move forward officially and stop contacting and be emotionally or socially supportive of the EX, as I don’t get the same support or feel like an outcast when I contact him and feel no love and restraint from him.

It hurts for mostly to play back his voice in my head that there is no love there is only feeling of care, and maybe well be together in the future.
But I guess its some people capacity to just brush it off by not having enough clarity of what their words exactly mean or articulate feelings.

The only word of wisdom I can give is to follow what you feel and try not to mask it or grab the ends of what you like and just let go of the feelings you don’t find so appealing.
Don’t be fooled by promises of the future as it doesn’t help your Addiction or yourself steam and self power while waiting to cash that promises of future.
You will be utterly disappointed when that day never comes or the fact you might have missed something special while waiting.

love

To the God of love and affection above
How in the dark Hrs I fly to you as a dove

To hug you tell you heart to heart,
I have a complain of your creator heart

With all bounty of people around me
My heart is taken and hidden from me

Shameful to be less thankful to thee
But here I have a broken heart you see

Complain of a love that never got returned
How I pulled myself though and burned

Now I’m waiting, living for today
And my love is promised for a tomorrow’s day

Like the air that never releases oxygen
Unto a water that never had hydrogen

Now I’m gasping in this tank of life
God wont you give me another chance in love


Poem by blogger



Happy Valentine ’s Day, it’s been a rough uphill and now trying to live one day at a time, and do what’s best for me and my health.

Trying to be an introvert is hard while you’re caring for an external soul that never recognizes or appreciated the assistance and the how much you cheer for them, it feels like a one hand that is trying to clap without having the other.

I would suggest to pull through the dark hours and see the best in the worst situations and carry on less burden on your shoulders and fill it with joy and smile and be happy as things will start to look up again and soon as your worth it.

January Update

Easy as you come
Easily you’re gone

You live so numbingly
I am in my sobriety

Here I am as jumped in front of a train
But you cheer the train on to me

I’ve said I love you so much that it bleeds
You said put the blade to your veins it bleeds faster n fleen

I’ve seen myself go tough the pain with pills
But all I see is you drifting farther entails

You cared less for me as I care more for you
You are priceless to me and I’m only worthless to you

My head on these train tracks, sounds like trom trom
Like your heart beat as my head once on your chest heard drom drom

How it feels like happiness lost in this melody
As I don’t see the train just as I close my eyes in parody

Inspired Poem
By blogger



I have been very focused on my studies for the past month and I’m going to my exam with high 90 percentile average.

January been cold month, I started my natural therapy for my illness and during the therapy its hard and painful, and very emotionally and physically draining, leaving the place tired and exhausted sitting in the chair for 1 to 2 hrs, sometimes wish there was someone there with me for support, but I guess it’s part of walking alone.

I came across a great line this month, WE ARE WALKING WOUNDED as a person who feels so much pain from day to day basis it was essence of my soul, that I feel wounded and but I’m still trying to move forward, like a butterfly that twirls around the candle in adoration knowing it’s too hot but the butter fly gets closer and closer, even after losing its tentacles it should leave, but will fly close and closer till joins with its love of flame and becomes one.

At times I feel like the butterfly and the candle that I keep going back to the Ex, I had communications with him this past month and it was hard keeping the distance knowing he was sick and ill, I asked how he was and gave him pointers to take care of himself and I realized though all the text of past week he didn’t ask me once, except on my last one which was going to be my last one as I felt awkward and unwanted as he never asked how I was doing.

though the conversation he said something that after my therapy session it came out that he was letting me down gently, he said that maybe in future one day well be together, it was as first hard to hear and live for a hope of tomorrow, as it feels being unwanted today, but I realize that he was letting me down slowly and perhaps realized how much I have been hurt and wanted to give me a closure, and though talking with him I realized that I still haven’t forgiven him fully, I did partially to make him feel better with what he was going through but not fully.

Recently I came across a beautiful girl whose story touched my heart, she is gorgeous orthodontist, very young and highly achieved at her age, gorgeous smile and very beautiful figure which could get any guy she wants, very confident at first and appealing, then I started to open up and so did she, and by the end of the conversation she said, she had dated a man for 3 weeks and known him for two months and she’s been in therapy for 9 months now ever since, I hugged her and I said I know how you feel and it’s hard to move forward and told her about my progress in SLAA and writing out my feeling in form of a blog, and you get much lighter doing so. She is going to give it a try and see if it works for her.

Amazing that WE ARE WALKING WOUNDED is true and to what extend we show our true in side and how much of it is just a mask and how we deal with emotional crisis in order not to make ourselves look vulnerable and captured by emotional anorexia.

Keep liberating yourself from shackles and emotional anorexia, express your feeling instead of swiftly dismissing it or doubting other peoples quality from what you’ve observed in the past, make a continues effort to love without expectations, live your life with less negative and start incorporating more good energy as more good will come your way.

You’re worth it.

My Last Post

My last regular posting, I will post with poems and if i find something relevant to SLAA. so one year came to a close, After my one year journey through my sex addiction and finding my weak point and starting to deal with bigger issues that i though were never there.

Sex addiction is more difficult to diagnose and when diagnosed its hard to treat, the only method worked for me was willingness to change my life and be healthy and achieve the goals i make, not be troubled or gravitated by negative aspects of social stigma of my health or my sexual preference.

hope the links on the side as well as my post about my experiences help you on your journey towards recovery and lasting sobriety, keep going to support groups have a sponsor or a Dr therapist, as you are worth it and things do get better.

Biggest hugs, and well wishes again to all
and remember your not alone and your worth it.