After my post on Monday I couldn't resist any more and replied to ads, and i broke one of my bottom lines of not contacting any one and creating sexually related contact, i couldn't resist the gratification factor of being in spot light or tied to some ones fantasy.
I haven't made any physical contact yet and I don't want to, but for some reason i needed a validation and someones interaction about sex, as much as it was unhealthy i felt alive like a druggie getting a quick fix, i felt a rush and wanted to go through with it, but i just masturbated at home and left the contact.
these contacts continued to Tuesday, and i almost didn't want to go to the SLAA class and wanted to make other plans to act out, but with bad weather i went to the class and talked about my current challenges post 3 weeks of being away from the class and i feel that i need the class more than ever to keep re-assuring my self that there are others and i am not alone.
on my Wednesday therapy session i did borough up these points and how its getting harder to keep my sobriety walls up and i feel like i cant resist it this time around, with a long terapy session of talking about the trip and ohters, i asked to be given a pill something that i can take on the spot when i cant control the urges so now i'm given a mood depressant to take when i feel the urge or when they are becoming too much to handle.
i feel horrible about breaking my contact barrier but i would have been broken if I physicaly acted out.
i will close the new email in due time and will avoid checking it.
i have been sober on my main bottom line of not having sex with any one for 4 month and two weeks now, and i am strugling with my other bottom lines of pornography, online ads and seeking gratification.
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