Going Into The Dark

I had a very depressing weekend, I was living in the past and at one instance I was thinking of how I meet him;

I recall talking with him back and forth several times and Cam-ing with him, and telling him what an awesome name he has, which sounded so exotic to my ears, but we didn’t meet-up due to place and his circumstances of being far from me.
The day that we meet finally, I recall using my last message privilege to let him know to email me, and he did and I have kept that email to this day, even though the email account is closed now

as I drove to meet him, I packed my sex kit of condoms and stuff to be safe, I walked into the hotel room (I remember the layout of that room to this day) and he was wearing a dark hat I shook his hand, (his handshake wasn't firm and I can tell allot by a hand shake, either he was nervous about something beyond I what I knew) he had a black back-pack on the side of bed and talked about how his friends place was a mess and he rented this room, then we both sat on the sofa by the window, where had a small talk and before I knew I felt comfortable in his arms the whole day.

I recall spending the whole day with him and having lunch at an Asian place on china town, and shopping for his safety boots at a local market, and having beer with his friends and going back to the hotel room again to have sex again, and after I was dressing up to leave I over heard him say to his friend that "his lips are chaffed now) I felt degraded and did mention to him before I left. I left promptly after and that night I went for annual art show, and called him in case he was free to meet up and went to voice mail, and the next day I had a voice mail in return from him that "he enjoyed the art show and wished his phone wasn’t turned off for me to came over" (I saved that voice mail for as till I changed my number but I listened to his voice when I missed him)

That night after leaving him a voice mail I thought of surprising him with going to the hotel, so I went as far as going up to the hotel suite where he said he will spend the night but no one answered the door.

I wish I could turn back time to that weekend now with my current knowledge of myself and do the whole meeting all over again, as I terribly miss him.

That was the story of the first meeting with him and I think anything beyond that day went terribly wrong mostly from my side of not being honest and not being 100% available to him.

When i meet him, It was almost one year where my health circumstance had changed, and I was in a deep depression and constantly in and out of it, I had sex some time and I would abstain form it for a few weeks and go back to fill my dreams that was shattered with news of my health circumstance.

I had felt lonely for a year, after coming back from missionary project to Middle East and I did some things that I regret after coming back, I missed who I was dating back in Middle East, and friends and co-workers, it was truly my first place away from home.

I made many mistakes when I am depressed or lonely, and sometimes I can’t control the urges.