spring flower

Spring flower


Flower, flower, flower
lower your stem so i can see

see your soul, and your heart
smell your scent and feel you

tent beside you and adore you
care for you and cress you

guide you and guard you
protect you and adorn you

oh flower where are you
wont you tell me when you'll bloom



i am entering my 6th week in my abstention from sex with others

this past week was filled with a lot of tests, but i managed to avoid then and change the situation, and put my mental instincts into action and avoid the situation at all cost.

first situation occur ed last week when i got a text message from a old acquaintance, who wanted to meet up after a long time, i text'ed back quickly that i cant but if you wan to meet up to talk about the hard ideals that you've gone through i am here,
that really didn't work as the person turned around and said what they had in mind was to have sex, which at first triggered me and my though dashes quickly miles a minute

i though about what if i go through with it, and i can start fresh, or what if i reduce my abstention down to 6 weeks and go through with it. i have managed to not reply to the text message and still in my sobriety

sometimes i want to go change my number again like how i changed it last time, to run from my past and create a new identity. It didn't work last time i was quickly back to what i was doing and contacting new people, in some ways i stopped giving my new number out but that just one reasoning, but not a good excuse to it at all.

second one was at the gym, i was objectified by a person in the shower area, he started to curse me and after i looked at him twice he got the gist that i noticed him and he elevated to touching him self, and that's when i left the shower area and removed my self from the situation. i felt weird for doing so, i was getting aroused but at the same time i felt bad if i started to reciprocate his inappropriate gestures

i am glad these treats didn't test me to level of breaking my sobriety of 5 weeks.

i will continue to be vigilant on my contact levels with people from the past and will deny seeing them even on friends basis, as they are not friend if they only contact for sexual contact. i guess i do have a lot to learn even in my adult years.

i am still without any sexual contact for almost 6 weeks now and i feel depressed still and do masturbate, most of depression comes from thinking of the past and specially my Ex.

"keep coming back