last phone call

dear fellow bloggers

i spoke today with my EX for the first time after we broke off last month,

it didn't go well, after sending him two emails begging him to give me a 4th chance and i will give him a bond, to show im serious, he called me tons of names and i was in tears and he hung up on me.

i feel very alone now close to the holidays, even though with loneliness i usually act out, i cant i am very depressed and sad about it all, and disappointed in my self for the way things turned out and how i let it get out of hand.

i have a huge issue as well with the truth, i cant say it, no matter how much i plan for it, with a nice dinner or a walk, i just cant bring my self into saying it. it probably the good side of me thinking that i have been given a credit why should i go and ruin my image, or the fact that that person has a good perception of what they know about me and i cant change it.

either way, i have paid a huge cost with truth and realizing this is way too late for anything but i know that if i don't bond with my truth side in a relationship it would be hard for me to find some.

yesterday i started talking about gratification, and what it means to me, in general form, by getting approved for a hookup or a sex, i feel that sometimes i am still hot enough or still can get some one else who is hot, or some one who is not available eg, married or attached person, who would be interested in me.

makes me feel that that person thinks im hot enough that they are willing to take a chance with me and risk their relationship for my physical attraction, and that gets me off, most times its just virtual and never goes further, beyond the keyboards.

its hard to escape it and get over this addiction for me because, no matter what i do i am always looking over my shoulder to see who is thinking im hot, and who is hot that would compliment or stroke my ego.

i sought a deeper help about this with my therapist and he mentioned to increase my own self contentment and self empowerment, i took running as a hobby and have ran quite long distances competitively and leisurely, i picked up Italian because my ex was Italian and wanted to be able to say a few words in Italian when i meet his parents, i have been doing art and was encouraged to have an exhibition, i finally am and this place is opening up soon, hope it helps my own love towards my self, and increases my own self confidence.

"Keep coming back"