I acted out yesterday after so long and it didn't not feel good. I felt that he is gone for ever now and i wont have him back ever again. Lonely at last and just me and my memories of him.
i want to write him an email again but i know he wont respond and he will just curse me more and physiologically pressure me by putting me in a bad place.
at times those words just re-verb in my head and get me sad and depressed, i never cursed him or physiologically degrade him but i think through my actions of relapse and straying from the relation ship i did cause him hurt.
i am sorry for every thing, i just cant control my urges some times, and feel like a pit-bull in chain which always gets heavy around my neck when i am in a relationship, and just want to break the chain that much easier.
Being enamored and loved is something i want in a relationship, and i felt i was never loved in that relationship, and through his actions which were too subtle i couldn't translate much, but i knew he doubted me and his friends doubted me as well from my past actions and even my last chance didn't feel like a chance it felt like i was bugged and was being watched to see when i will relapse.
i don't want to act out currently but being single is not an easy task for me and i fill my voids with sex and fake happiness for now.
i want to break out of this chain but i have no energy and have thrown the towel in the rink for now.
"keep coming back"
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