Enabling Factor

As I’ve blogged earlier in the week about finding your roots, I was doing much fierce searching for then in my own, and I revisited the past pages, by looking at my childhood album and finding some happy times, and nourishing thoughts.

The happy child you see in the photo is me holding a rose from our garden, while standing in the backyard and posing for this photo, I remember every time I would go to the back yard I would pick a big rose flower or few small flowers and I would take them in, and I either gave them to my mom or my grandmother.

I had forgotten about some of these little details and when I looked at the picture and I asked my parents they told me few other details that I didn’t know of the place, and story behind the picture, which made me laugh on how cute I acted when I was little.

This week I am trying to be humble and take it one day at a time but with chain of events that has occurred its hard to forgive and move forward, I cancelled my evening classes yesterday and went to Tuesday session of SLAA, it was an amazing class some new comers and some old faces.

We read the step 3 that everyone is welcome to the classes and no one is turned away from any AA group and gathering. One person shared their experience of being in AA as alcohol enabled him to act out and it was a bridge to get to the other side, and made me think, so what was my enabling factor.

I have been thinking hard on this topic, and have read some material on the net. The topic is abstract as it gets for some its alcohol and drugs that enables them to freely act out in their sex and love addictions; they use alcohol or drug excuse to get away. others abuse their alcohol or drug in order to get what they want or suppress their feeling of addiction and hunger, some turn to gambling and shopping to either subdue the effect or bring up their self steam in order to stop from acting out, and in some instances people hang on to the past to stop them from acting out or the past will enable them to act out as the past laves them worthless and weak.

I have been really busy with my grandmothers situation, and have no time to really think about myself and now that I have time for myself and I’ve been able to think about what had happened and decipher the sequence of events I’ve been sick to my stomach to realize who I thought my lover was no lover at all.

The sequence of events for the past couple of weeks were too much but now as I time to obsorve with a wise and clear mind, i come to find out that there was no love in my past relationship, I believed so much that it was me who crushed the relationship, but my instincts were right, there was no love for me, as I asked did you love me and he replied "I cared" and when I asked him what made him fall for me, and his response was "the sex got better and better" I should have taken them as sign of a sex or love addict and ran, and today he is serial dating from one relationship to another, not knowing what he wants to offer or looking for.

I know some parts I slipped in that relationship but to find out that there was no love, I feel as a speckle of dust. Worthless and weightless, even though I have forgiven him but now I feel the scar is open again. I have stopped myself from acting out in the past two weeks, and I’ve masturbated and watched porn to suppress my feelings.

I wish I would have never called him.