Holding on To The Past

There is no savior
No northern light

Guiding compass broken
Hour glass needs a token

No raft coming, no search crew cast
How long leaky life jacket can last?

Buoyant in these waters I roam
Searching for a land call my own

Poem by blogger


Perhaps I tricked myself in seeing something that wasn’t there and set myself up for disappointment. I am trying to stay composed and selfless, with humility and patience, and try to let go of the past and accept the sequence of events for betterment of my life and my future. I find it hard to be weightless and response less against it, my only self expression has been keyboard and a LED screen, and this is where I find my balance.

After almost 18 months of therapy and constant living in the past, I read a great line while reading through addiction and therapy methods for people who are living in the past.

"Living in the past is like stones one carries with them while swimming in this vast ocean of life, the more stone you carry with you the more effort it takes to stay afloat. Carrying these weights on you for prologue period will cause you to fail in your sobriety and give up."

That is me still, even though I have no grudge and anger (coals example to burn me) but I am constantly living in the past, and smile or cry over things that happened in the past. Like the stones, I am carrying all of these on me and I am finding it hard to stay buoyant in these waters of sobriety.

I still have dreams about him; no matter what I have changed and how much I have tried to forget him you can’t change the heart.

Even though he has said sorry, but the scars won’t go away and I don’t need sorry from any one or him. I need nourishment by coming out, acknowledgment from family and close friends.
I know it’s coming to a point that I have to come out of this cocoon that I’ve built for myself, and I know that by being in the closet doesn’t mean people don’t know.

when I started my therapy, the therapist told me "Life is already hard as it is, why are you living a double life" I live basically two lives, one person who is straight at home, to friends and at work, and other person who is gay, I've had two separate life style which one doesn’t know about the other one, and I’ve been advised that no matter how far I go in my sobriety, the problem will still be there because the root of the issue is not dealt with. I keep refreshing myself on what I was said to me that day, and I’m trying to be true to myself and motivate myself in coming out.

The lesson that can be learned is, being true with your self is the only way to solve this issue around sex and love addiction that is rooted with being in closet or, as coming out it will creates sense of stability and self esteem that you wouldn’t find in hiding and being in closet and seeking constant sex as a quick gratification to fill the voids.