Love or Poison

I've had a good week, besides some withdrawal tantrums.
I went to the SLAA class yesterday, and there was a huge turnout of about 22 to 25 people. We shared our struggles and I was honest about my fact that I've been sober for 5 months and 3 weeks but I am finding it hard to stay away from internet wanted ads and pornography.
going into class I had the questions of being the cross road and wanting to go back to old relationship with my Ex and as well as continuing my sobriety, it was almost God sent by being in the class, as the reading for the week was about companionship and relationships.

This reading from the SLAA book on sex addiction, it highlights crisis in doubts when revisiting old relationships, and how being under scrutiny is not easy without having the support of the partner and acceptance of the fact you’re a SEX ADDICT in therapy, like a cancer patient going through radiation therapy, some days will be harder than others and some days will be worse. I can attest to this as I went back and revisited old relationship and started a new one in the middle which both didn’t work out, because of sex addiction undertone in the relationship which created a big mistrust and doubt in partners, which in return I was under a lot of stress for me.

I chose this posting on "Love or Poison" because of my therapist meeting this morning, it was apparent on my agenda that I wanted to come out to my family, I have tried telling them that I am gay after years of experimentation and knowing I am truly gay and I will only be happy being gay.
I have told my mother in 2008, when she asked me what’s going on with me and if I wanted to tell her anything. (I thought mothers know for sure) and I wanted to create some sort of a basis to introduce my Ex to her and my dad if she told him that is.

But it didn’t go according to plan or the way I was hopping, she refused to believe it and said that I haven’t tried my best to change and she continued to blame it on herself for miss upbringing.

My mom cried for days I would find her in her huge walk in closet or in bathroom and shower with door closed and water running while crying so my dad wouldn’t find out. I was devastated and told her that I didn’t choose to tell you, you should have prepared yourself when you asked me? And if you weren’t ready why did you ask?

Today the therapist made me feel comfortable and assured that my action was the right action to take and to tell her the truth was the best mode of action versus lying and devastating her even worse later on. Therapist also mentioned about the guilt factor I am feeling that it was perhaps my mother’s way of disapproval and detrainment from my course of my sexual freedom.

I still have on my agenda to come out of the closet to my family in the next 6 month and since I know my mother knows and she had death with her problems over this, it would be supporting to have her on my side when I tell my dad and perhaps my siblings, as much as I know that they all know and are waiting to hear it from my lips.

Be true and honest to yourself and if it takes to discover your true sexual freedom and expression in open, don’t be settle about it and create confidence as only by hiding it oppression and dark clouds will gather over you.