Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Checking It All In



Dear blog
Today’s meeting with my therapist went way better than any other, perhaps it was because i was ready to break through with it and my 3 month sobriety opened my eyes, I was early for my appointment, and he took me into his office and I had over an hour of talk time.

I opened up about my baggage that I am carrying and what is bothering me, I mentioned about, the fact that I couldn’t tell the truth in the past and I was harboring the sexual addiction inside, fearful that if I do tell the truth the sex addiction inside me would have to go.

There was numerous times that when my Ex would open up about his past, I couldn’t do the same, I recall him opening up about a watch that he lost because he had sex with some one, or the time when we were driving around he was mentioning about a fling he had in a neighbourhood, I connect with his stories but couldn’t bring myself to open up about my similar situations, or talk about who i meet if i was recalled by being in a place or neighbourhood.

I didn't say any thing at those times as i felt jealous at times that he meet some one, or perhaps that person had better impression on him that he is remembering that sex while he is with me, and in other cases i was silent and nodding because the same situation had happened to me and all stemmed from my sexual addiction and there was numerous of these situations and events.

At the therapy session, I asked question about my addiction side and how much of the love I showed toward my ex was me and how much of it was my addiction side. As recently with my longer sobriety, I began to think about my love for him and the gifts that I got him. I talked to my therapist about why I would get gifts for someone when it was only one way gifts, or was it my addiction side buying those gifts for him, was it to make him forget about my addiction side? My therapist agreed with that statement, and here is when it got interesting.

I defended my actions towards my Ex that it wasn’t fully the addiction, as I had other sex partners from years a go who wanted my art or asked for financial help or borrow money or my car to give them ride, and I never made any attempt to help anyone, who was just a fling or casual sex partner, even the sex was good with them or liked them sexually.

i am a Cancer, and cancer doesn't let someone in that easily, but when they do it does anything it can to adore them and love them, even if nothing in return.

What I was trying to say was that I did fall in love with him, while in troubled times and knowing I was still acting out and looking gratifications, i wanted him to be a hero in my life and thinking with him on my side i would beat the addiction.

I checked this entire luggage in and was being brutally honest with myself and put them on scale, and now it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder.

I do love my ex to this day, but I come to realize that I can’t show it to him, no matter how much it hurts me or breaks me, I don't know much about his feelings as I felt i initiated all the talks and "I love yous".

Find you’re over weight luggages and do check them in, as it’s only going to weigh you down, don't fear that it will hurt your feeling or some one elses, as long as your honest your right, and think of it this way since you have to mess up the garden in order to start new.

With this lonesome thought I want to log off.

"Keep coming back

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