My Codependency Factor

"Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.

When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.

And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed."

By: poet/writer K. Gibran



My Codependency Factor
There was no codependent in my addiction, no one to help me up every time I fell down and no walking crutches to make sure I walk again.

this was all to source from the fact I lied to hide the truth, the truth which I saw harmful to people who I loved, I had no issue talking about who I hooked up last week or two days ago with a stranger or someone who was telling me their sex stories.

but I couldn’t bring myself to tell anything to people who I cared about, in my thoughts I was hurting them and ruining what they perceived of me as a good person.

I know for me if I have feelings for some one, I become protective of my feelings and harbor a jealousy over their actions, I recall this because over a year ago when my Ex told me that he had a good weekend and saw someone, my heart sank, my face became pale and I couldn’t form a sentence after that.

I saw myself hurting him the same way, if I told him any of the truth, and came clean with any sex liaison or internet chats I was having at that time.

I am not saying it was the right thing to do, or the correct course of action, I just didn’t know what to do as I started the relationship based on lie and kept sinking more and more into it, and every moment I had a chance to say the truth I felt that it was a moment of validation for him, and leave.

Feelings
Another aspect of codependency is the feeling we share, verbally or through actions. I personally know that I wear my heart on my sleeve, and if I have a feeling for some one I make it known through words or actions. from slight talks to tangible items, I can’t hold back, and at times these feelings have smothered them and had the guys running, it happened so often that I started to show less affection and interaction with guys who I was dating or seeing. Call it withdrawal or detachment from feelings but I couldn’t handle having someone being smothered when you like them.

in my recent thoughts with therapist I recall talking about the fact I showed less feelings as I was not being reciprocated back with the same feelings, through words or actions, in my last relationship I did want him to be more affectionate and show his feelings but I felt I was the one who was leading on this and molding him to go with it, and my instinct would tell me to not do a simple act of cuddle or hold his hand in public when my heart screamed to do it. I’m not blaming anyone but the heart, as it reflected on my addiction and I did channel a bit of my emotional distress and wants with other people or through virtual internet with quick validations.

I have been sober for over two months still with my main bottom line of not having sex with any one and not contacting any one new or old for a liaison, also I was sober for 5 days on masturbation till my last post, it started with wanting to go through some platonic adds then I was in wanted section and then in porn site watching porn.

I will be going to Sunday class as I think I need to be in a group right away before losing my main bottom line superiority

"Keep coming back"