Transformation

Caterpillar roams the bushels for leaves to eat
Colour full and larger day by day as eats

He knows it’s time to weave his own cocoon
Finding a place quite and dark to call its own

It dies to the world in a silky cocoon
never to know it will be born again

For a caterpillar this is his coffin
Weaving his body with its own tears

Saying good bye to the world
And withdrawing himself in


at times if feel like this lonely caterpillar that is still roaming the bushels and now with the withdrawals of not acting out kicking in and at times I want to tell myself to just go through with it and do it, every day its taking a lot of my energy and focus to stop the means of acting out or even masturbation.

Sometimes I want that endorphins released in my brain, over and over, the feeling of ecstasy, at that moment to me is the factor that's drawing me in, I am sure of this addiction to be only about the action and release the endorphins, as after masturbation I leave the site and the ads and go do my regular choirs.

its the same characteristic as a chain smoker, no matter how much pills and patches they use, they are addicted to the action and the routine of smoking.

When the endorphin craving comes back I want to do it again, it a vicious cycle of filling the cup and knowing the cup will be empty again in few hours, thus finding the hole on this cup is the means of fixing this issue permanently hopefully.


Concepts for the Drainage
- Work and Career
- Family
- peer pressure of being straight
- Not being fully out and accepted
- Wanting to find True love
- Not having my own family

I had thought long and hard about these topics and formulating the essence of my addiction is deeply rooted in the above list.

All of these are within my control, but I have given up control over them, and focused my connection more with my sexual desire and sexual addiction as I found a fake and happiness that only lasted for few minutes and had me coming back for more hits and fixes.

It’s never too late but I can never go back in time to re-do the things I have done wrong, but I don't want to repeat them again.

I went to the Sunday classes, I was a bit early so I went for a walk and I saw my EX friend on the street, in as much as he created a distance between me and my EX which was unforgivable I marched by him and forgetting the wrongs he had done as I don't think he realizes my situation.

the Sunday class was great, there is a member that speaks like a true poet, this person spoke about their heart and how this heart made the child in them happy when they were little and now it’s their turn to keep the heart happy, this person was planning a day to go by the beach and cast some stones in the lake, unto the childhood memory and recall once a happier times, I almost cried as I felt the same missed connection in my heart.

it’s been 2 month and 1.5 week that I am sex free and I have not contacted any one for sex, I still get emails once in a while on my only email account that I have left, which I just ignore and delete them. I masturbated yesterday after 2 days of being sober and currently I am back to day One again.

"Keep coming back"