Last Pill today

Taking the last pill, while feeling the emptiness
Cold water washing it down, robbing me of warmth

Trying to cope with the "new normal" life of mine
Where will I be without these pills tomorrow now?

I miss him, I want him, and these pills only mask it all
Where is he, how is he, I wonder now.


Dear Blog
I finished my first 90 pills, which lowered my sexual appetite, and I have a repeat to fill soon, I don’t want to see the result if I don’t take it for a week, as it might be ugly or with me losing my bottom line and almost 3 month sobriety.

today on my drive to work I was thinking allot and my addiction side was talking a bit, and I wondered why do I have two side to this situation, could it be the fact that I’ve lived two separate life all this time, one gay and other straight, or is it because I just accepted the double identity and been playing the game for 10 years now since I was sexually active, or is it because my health is jeopardized since late 2007 and I’m angry about it all.

Whatever it is, it’s no excuse to hurt someone else by it nor segregate I to such lows, there are other out there from a famous rugby player Gareth Thomas who just came out in December to Adam Lambert struggles in music business. But at the end they merged their two lives in order to be true to themselves, and one of my goals this year is to come out to my immediate family and have them know about my life.

As I can’t move forward not having a support or double contemplating their support or refusal, I rather know what their true feelings are and put it behind me once and for all.

I am still sober on my main bottom line of not having sex or contacting any one for 2 months and almost 4 weeks now. I did a preparation run for my 8 km, it’s my first actual run in two month almost and with the hills on the street, I’m a bit sore now for two days.

"Keep coming back"