Jumping Tracks

I had a good weekend, I slept till noon hours, and did a bit of spring cleaning, I went downtown on the weekend for the SLAA class but with the daylight saving time I was late by 1 hour so I went shopping instead, while walking on shopping district couldn’t help it recall being there with him in November and walking store to store, it got me a bit as I felt alone, and not wanted any more as he left without any support, i don't think he will ever realize how much he hurt me.

I bought 3 designer suites that day, one especially for this interview I have on Wednesday, but with expensive purchases i still didn't feel good, i went home and acted out on my second bottom line of masturbation and porn and ads.

as I blogged earlier about the steps that are fueling my addiction one was job and career, there for I have since been applying for jobs more aggressively and finally an interview, not sure how it will go but will do my best at the interview.

I woke up this morning that my higher power can no longer stay in balance if I don’t come clean with my transforming face of my addiction, I have adapted to use different substances in form of sex to validate and not feel the guilt.

Jumping tracks is the most common element in sexual addiction, and its adaptation and resistance to a constant change makes the mind thing of a new way of coping with the withdrawal. As my previous post, it’s the panic and constant fear that challenges the mind to adapt and create a new substance to abuse.

some addicts become Alcoholic, Drug users, pill poppers or jump tracks in any way possible to resist the constant change, to be honest with myself I went through the constant change, and withdrawal of sex with others in my previous attempt, I quickly went back when I got emails from people who were interested in a sexual liaison, and after a while I changed course in my sexual capacity and to get a different attention I posted adds with others pictures and even as woman to grab some straight guys attention, and did in couple of instances dress up in pantyhose to have a sexual encounter and experiment with it.

I am ashamed of revealing this in my blog and to my therapist, but I feel that in order to move forward I have to clean my heart of the past.

Bible, Psalm 51, verses 1-3 say,
"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me."


Keep track of your addiction and monitor on daily basis and abstain from contact and communication with any sexual liaison past/present/future, don't panic and act out when feel threatened under your addiction, seek appropriate help and be honest with people who you love and can trust, as this would be my advice.

I have been sober 2Months 2Weeks+ on my main bottom line of no sexual contact with any one, but I masturbated, watched porn and saw some wanted adds over the weekend and, but didn’t reply, so I am back to day one day of sobriety on my second bottom line, working really hard on this one day at a time, and still seek support my SLAA classes and get help with therapy sessions into my addiction.

As in SLAA closing sentence
"Keep coming back"