Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Straight Jacket



I can’t move as this is too dumb
I can’t breathe this is too tight

How far can I go without you on my side?
Every moment your reminder on my mind

Where will I go, what will I see
Straight jacket is only one hugging me

I wish you well, as someone had to leave
I know it’s my fault and I give in


I feel like in a straight jacket with my addiction, as I promised not to break my bottom line for anything or anyone, and it’s been a constant resistance to not reply to add or anyone trying to contact me.

I still have flash backs from the past, specially last guy I was with, and sometimes I go over small details, either good or bad, and I punish myself over them, at times I feel hurt by them and sometimes I feel left out from the love I used to get from him.

I just wish there was a turn off switch for all of the love and hurt side, that I could stop thinking about him, and could move forward just with the sex addiction side of me, but no, I am facing with both of them at the same time and no support from immediate family members.

I have made a decision to include coming out to my family in matter of a year and part of my addiction and therapy, to stop hiding and magnifying my addiction.

vie increased my level of volunteering at my community, and participating more at religious gatherings and being more active in that front to take my mind off my addiction for the few hours I am there.

Also celebrated my mom’s birthday, which we never did, I made her a homemade sponge cake with real strawberry filling and real vanilla beans, she loved it and was so surprised to see the cake litter with candles, and she loved the rich perfume we got her as well.

I noticed that before with my addiction I was very withdrawn from family events and dates, perhaps was a defense mechanism that I didn’t want anyone to know or push them back so they won’t help me with my addiction if it was apparent, addiction does put itself first before family, and will cause disunity and harm to loved ones close to you, do watch for these sighs and monitor them.

I went to my slaa class where the subject was about addiction and in relationship and how to go about having a relationship while being an addict, first off its not recommended to be in a relationship or try to mend a broken relationship while in course of recovery, but if in marriage or kids and family is involved, try to have a transparent schedule and support the addict through talking to them and not interrogating them to hide their addiction side.

I am still sober on my main bottom line of not having sex or contacting any one for 2 months and 3.5 weeks now. My 8km run is coming up and I am ill prepared for this as weather is not being nice these days and I’ve cancelled my gym membership due to my addiction and the constant temptation.

"Keep coming back"

No comments:

Post a Comment