Friday, March 5, 2010

Innocence




That boy in field with innocence
you hear his joy n smile in resonance

free of shackles 'n filled with dreams
joy of one day, forever be a dream

a crushed dream when he grew up
liers 'n looters, throw it out

i wish some one would see that little boy
hiding in side me fearing this world



i feel like that little boy in the poem, that my dream was crushed, when i was growing up not being accepted, all due to my sexual preference that i had as early as 7.

i grew up as an older child, in a most restricted society, and being sexually expressive was frowned on, i loved to help my mom bake, i learned as a child how to sew and iron shirts while my female counter parts can hem their own pants to this day.

i also did hand stitch work, only one piece as my mom never bought me another one to do, which i still have it, i was 12 at a time and was slowly becoming educated and confused about my sexuality, my mom bought this piece for me with pattern and colour threads and needle to do the stitch work, but after a talk once my dad had with me over the fact that i was stitching VS playing with cars or cards, she stopped buying me threads and new lay outs for me to stitch, i remember crying for days to be able to at least finish the piece that i had started, and Finlay i got more black thread to finish the black background, my mom understood and she said not to stitch in front of my dad or any one else, i recall it being a giant piece, but today it doesn't look as big as i remember.

my mother and father did everything they could do to stop my sexual growth and expression, so they called it "girls stuff", my dad would take me to his construction sites and put me to work in my early teens and my mom would stop buying stuff that i wanted or would never ask for my help in house choirs i used to do before.

i am not blaming them, i understand they did their part as parents to bring up a normal boy, and perhaps their way of not blaming them selves when i fully grew up.

but cant stop getting feeling of jealousy and envy from people who can be open and their parents are accepting of their choice, and wish them well and tell them thy cant wait for the day they settle down, this definitely makes them feel normal, and not missing out on life on their choice.

this supportive parent/child relationship creates atmosphere of acceptance and support, so the child feels comfortable with their sexual preference and in turn they don't act out in sexual fantasy or seek emotional dependency or worse unsafe sex to create a fake close sexual acceptance and love.

unto my sex addiction today i feel like i am climbing a mountain here and ordeals that are fresh and new to me, but i am sure that in years from now this would be nothing but a hill.

i pray every day that my sexual urges go down and diminish but, i slipped yesterday while checking my email after days and getting an invitation to a profile, the profile was a hot person but didn't create any contact and from there i looked though some Internet porn, and there was a urge to masturbate and look through wanted adds, as much as it took a lot of will power and only was looking for a while but i didn't masturbate and i still have not contacted any one for sex for over two months +1 week almost.

"keep coming back"

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