Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Today’s meeting with my therapist went way better than any other, perhaps it was because i was ready to break through with it and my 3 month sobriety opened my eyes, I was early for my appointment, and he took me into his office and I had over an hour of talk time.
I opened up about my baggage that I am carrying and what is bothering me, I mentioned about, the fact that I couldn’t tell the truth in the past and I was harboring the sexual addiction inside, fearful that if I do tell the truth the sex addiction inside me would have to go.
There was numerous times that when my Ex would open up about his past, I couldn’t do the same, I recall him opening up about a watch that he lost because he had sex with some one, or the time when we were driving around he was mentioning about a fling he had in a neighbourhood, I connect with his stories but couldn’t bring myself to open up about my similar situations, or talk about who i meet if i was recalled by being in a place or neighbourhood.
I didn't say any thing at those times as i felt jealous at times that he meet some one, or perhaps that person had better impression on him that he is remembering that sex while he is with me, and in other cases i was silent and nodding because the same situation had happened to me and all stemmed from my sexual addiction and there was numerous of these situations and events.
At the therapy session, I asked question about my addiction side and how much of the love I showed toward my ex was me and how much of it was my addiction side. As recently with my longer sobriety, I began to think about my love for him and the gifts that I got him. I talked to my therapist about why I would get gifts for someone when it was only one way gifts, or was it my addiction side buying those gifts for him, was it to make him forget about my addiction side? My therapist agreed with that statement, and here is when it got interesting.
I defended my actions towards my Ex that it wasn’t fully the addiction, as I had other sex partners from years a go who wanted my art or asked for financial help or borrow money or my car to give them ride, and I never made any attempt to help anyone, who was just a fling or casual sex partner, even the sex was good with them or liked them sexually.
i am a Cancer, and cancer doesn't let someone in that easily, but when they do it does anything it can to adore them and love them, even if nothing in return.
What I was trying to say was that I did fall in love with him, while in troubled times and knowing I was still acting out and looking gratifications, i wanted him to be a hero in my life and thinking with him on my side i would beat the addiction.
I checked this entire luggage in and was being brutally honest with myself and put them on scale, and now it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder.
I do love my ex to this day, but I come to realize that I can’t show it to him, no matter how much it hurts me or breaks me, I don't know much about his feelings as I felt i initiated all the talks and "I love yous".
Find you’re over weight luggages and do check them in, as it’s only going to weigh you down, don't fear that it will hurt your feeling or some one elses, as long as your honest your right, and think of it this way since you have to mess up the garden in order to start new.
With this lonesome thought I want to log off.
"Keep coming back
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Hope and chance to see you
But lost in sea of my own
No matter how bright the stars
Yet moon can't fill this hallow
And when it rains
It won’t compare to your beauty
My guilty pleasure is gone
Where are you now babe
This nightmare is over
But I can’t wakeup from you
Tattoo’d my action on my arm
And won’t forget your love
Today I will get my 3rd month chip, and I have been good this week, and I have been busy with putting paper works in for going back to school, as i havent heard back form my interviews i really think i have to sharpen my talent and skills.
My heart is still with him and don’t know how to take it back, I haven’t gone by his place, or wear any more "V" neck shirts, and I try to turn off every thought but one leads to another one.
Today I was thinking of him, last fall and how he was nervous and stomach pains which I nursed him one night waking up in middle of the night to fill up a new hot water bottle, it was I think because he thought he might be out of a job, and me knowing how much his house meant to him I was willing to carry the cost of his living till he got another job.
I can’t think of a single thing he did besides paying for motels or hotels to have sex in, during the course of us hooking up.
These little things get to me, and it bothers me allot, as my therapist said, some people the end result is their goal like climbing a mountain, you don’t take picture while on the hike, and most people frame the picture at the end of the climb when they are on top of the mountain.
But for me I like to enjoy the means of getting to the end, and be able to relate to it, not to go through with it like a robot or a chess game.
I recall something’s even from our first time dating in 2008, which they didn’t bother me then when he broke up. as I just left and dated others and really didn’t want to deal with the emotions as a sex addict in me just wanted to have more contact.
I am trying to close my past chapters but the one page is torn and missing.
I have been sober on my main bottom line of not having sex and contacting any one for the past 3 months, and still go to regular SLAA classes and therapy sessions.
"Keep coming back"
Sunday, March 28, 2010
it’s been a good weekend, mostly sleeping in and relaxing, I went to the SLAA class downtown today it was very good, and one of the participants said something that hit home with me, they mentioned, "wiliness before wanting change" and I could relate to my course of action this past fall, when I wanted change, but I didn’t really know if it was willing or just the fact change sounded good and could get him back to me.
I recall telling him I did the 12 steps. which was true, but I don’t think I really did the 12 steps towards recovery, I read them and said yea yea, next kind of an idea, and didn’t hit bottom to break ground, I panicked and said I did them.
I’ve started taking more inventory of my surrounding, eg. Workplace, co-workers, peers and friends, about what they say and how social ethics dictate that to make a pass at someone is okay or visually objectify you to that person. I have hard time dealing with those as it occurs in my life with people or friends, and pretending its okay or trying to change them by example is really hard. Especially not letting their comment take effects on me.
so far my steps of by just taking inventory and try not to get involved has worked for me or removing myself from the situation that I won’t be adding to the situation by comments or remarks.
since I stopped my gym membership, I’ve gotten a DVD home workout routine to do at home while still training for my series of competitive runs coming as early as next weekend. I did the first session today with my sister and holly crap yoga is not easy as it looks.
In respect to my bottom lines, they are still solid for the past 3 months and I’ve not contacted any one new or old for sex or have had any sexual contact with anyone.
I haven’t masturbated for two days now, and I don’t feel the urge perhaps it’s my allergies to lactose, I’ve a bit of stomach pains and bowel irregularities which will deal with soon.
"Keep coming back"
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Walking this fine line, with memories
A snap shot of what could have been
Pushes me to stick to the lines drawn
Bottom lines and classes with porn
Could it be alcoholism or substance?
So you could see it as tangible
Perhaps you won’t believe such illness exists
As it can creep on any one even the saint
And no one can tell a difference at first
But sex and love should be a "ISM"
I’ve been sober for 3rd month now, and it feels like walking a sober test line, and possibility of failing this test could happen.
I haven’t filled my prescription yet but will do on Monday, as for this weekend I will be monitoring my actions, and will go to the SLAA class on Sunday.
So far today I’ve masturbated twice so far, watching porn, and wondering about my Ex and not being able to chase him out of my mind. I haven’t gone through adds a lot these days, knowing that I can’t reply to any one any longer it’s been a huge turn off from perusing that activity of gratification.
Yesterday there was dinner for the youth in my religious community and followed by dance for the spring celebration, which I would readily attend these types of venues usually seeking free time to act out in the past or be online cruising while my siblings went to these types of functions.
As I said earlier I’m sober on my main bottom line of not having sex or contacting any one from past or creating new contact for future liaisons for 3 months now. I am still training for my first run and weather is not co-operating these days.
“Keep coming back”
Friday, March 26, 2010
Taking the last pill, while feeling the emptiness
Cold water washing it down, robbing me of warmth
Trying to cope with the "new normal" life of mine
Where will I be without these pills tomorrow now?
I miss him, I want him, and these pills only mask it all
Where is he, how is he, I wonder now.
I finished my first 90 pills, which lowered my sexual appetite, and I have a repeat to fill soon, I don’t want to see the result if I don’t take it for a week, as it might be ugly or with me losing my bottom line and almost 3 month sobriety.
today on my drive to work I was thinking allot and my addiction side was talking a bit, and I wondered why do I have two side to this situation, could it be the fact that I’ve lived two separate life all this time, one gay and other straight, or is it because I just accepted the double identity and been playing the game for 10 years now since I was sexually active, or is it because my health is jeopardized since late 2007 and I’m angry about it all.
Whatever it is, it’s no excuse to hurt someone else by it nor segregate I to such lows, there are other out there from a famous rugby player Gareth Thomas who just came out in December to Adam Lambert struggles in music business. But at the end they merged their two lives in order to be true to themselves, and one of my goals this year is to come out to my immediate family and have them know about my life.
As I can’t move forward not having a support or double contemplating their support or refusal, I rather know what their true feelings are and put it behind me once and for all.
I am still sober on my main bottom line of not having sex or contacting any one for 2 months and almost 4 weeks now. I did a preparation run for my 8 km, it’s my first actual run in two month almost and with the hills on the street, I’m a bit sore now for two days.
"Keep coming back"
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
I can’t move as this is too dumb
I can’t breathe this is too tight
How far can I go without you on my side?
Every moment your reminder on my mind
Where will I go, what will I see
Straight jacket is only one hugging me
I wish you well, as someone had to leave
I know it’s my fault and I give in
I feel like in a straight jacket with my addiction, as I promised not to break my bottom line for anything or anyone, and it’s been a constant resistance to not reply to add or anyone trying to contact me.
I still have flash backs from the past, specially last guy I was with, and sometimes I go over small details, either good or bad, and I punish myself over them, at times I feel hurt by them and sometimes I feel left out from the love I used to get from him.
I just wish there was a turn off switch for all of the love and hurt side, that I could stop thinking about him, and could move forward just with the sex addiction side of me, but no, I am facing with both of them at the same time and no support from immediate family members.
I have made a decision to include coming out to my family in matter of a year and part of my addiction and therapy, to stop hiding and magnifying my addiction.
vie increased my level of volunteering at my community, and participating more at religious gatherings and being more active in that front to take my mind off my addiction for the few hours I am there.
Also celebrated my mom’s birthday, which we never did, I made her a homemade sponge cake with real strawberry filling and real vanilla beans, she loved it and was so surprised to see the cake litter with candles, and she loved the rich perfume we got her as well.
I noticed that before with my addiction I was very withdrawn from family events and dates, perhaps was a defense mechanism that I didn’t want anyone to know or push them back so they won’t help me with my addiction if it was apparent, addiction does put itself first before family, and will cause disunity and harm to loved ones close to you, do watch for these sighs and monitor them.
I went to my slaa class where the subject was about addiction and in relationship and how to go about having a relationship while being an addict, first off its not recommended to be in a relationship or try to mend a broken relationship while in course of recovery, but if in marriage or kids and family is involved, try to have a transparent schedule and support the addict through talking to them and not interrogating them to hide their addiction side.
I am still sober on my main bottom line of not having sex or contacting any one for 2 months and 3.5 weeks now. My 8km run is coming up and I am ill prepared for this as weather is not being nice these days and I’ve cancelled my gym membership due to my addiction and the constant temptation.
"Keep coming back"
Monday, March 22, 2010
My new normal has become knowing the fact I can’t have sex with any one, and can’t reply to any ads and contacts from the past, or create new contacts for present or future liaisons.
It was constant reminder when I started my sobriety, but now it’s as subconscious as autopilot, I take inventory of some of my actions like looking around while in public at handsome faces or wondering if any ones eye is crossing with mine.
After noticing my actions I current them by stopping at the time and focusing what I was doing like shopping or getting to my destination.
The new normal is not easy to achieve, it’s been almost 3 months of work in abstinence and sobriety work on my main bottom line, by resisting and not having sex with any one, like a pit-bull in chains that wants to bite any ones limb off I felt I was destroying every one’s life and my own, I got a psychiatry worked out to resist and in time better things will happen for me, as a thicker chain to place on this pit-bull so it won’t leave the backyard.
The new normal won’t be the same for you, it might come in different forms and acts, some might see it sooner than later, others might be single and resisting their addiction and some with a loved one and resisting to not act out of the relationship.
Find your new Normal and Stick to your program and bottom lines.
On my bottom line I am still sober with my main bottom line, it’s been 2 months and 3 weeks now, still masturbate sometimes obsessively 3 time a day like yesterday, but other times I have no desire to even masturbate or look at any porn or ads. As I know I can’t reply or make any contact.
As much as it feels like being in straight jacket, I prefer this than hurting some ones feeling and destroying myself.
"Keep coming back"
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Spring has come
where will I be in time
so as it gone before
as I miss him there for
soon everywhere is green
heart is waiting, love brings
can manage to stay sober this long
now where can go to mend this heart
First day of spring is a huge deal in my background, as we celebrate new year with coming of the spring, family dinners and visits to the elders.
After many weeks I saw him again in my dream this time, I only recall being spooned tightly while he kissed me on my neck, I woke right after it, it felt so real and could feel happy at the time of it happening. I just can’t explain it
I had my Dr. meeting, it was good, I talked about my actions prior to the interview, and what was bothering me in my mind and things that keep coming up for me from the past and taunt me and tease me to act out, with people from the past.
there was a moment of higher power which forced me to come clean about the past with my DR. as I've not been totally honest about my past and just wanted to tackle the current issues,
The therapist made some suggestions for me to follow, about my anxiety and love anorexia.
1. not to think about the past relationships, specialty recent ones and what he is doing or dating.
2. remove items that reminds me of him and try to avoid the feelings next time they arise.
3. boost my confidence by not using his watch as its weight on my physiological mind.
I’d say the Dr. is right, as I keep reminding myself I've hindered myself from growth, and keep searching for light in my past.
but at the same time my gut feelings can’t be over turned by two small sentences, and what I feel for him are string and can’t just shut them down now, with 1 hour therapy session.
I would need time to move forward from the love anorexia, and at the same time constantly attend the SLAA classes and finish my steps of SLAA and sobriety.
I've been sober for two months and 3 weeks now, and last time I masturbated was last night after 4 days, where I went through some wanted ads and didn't reply, watched porn, to beat the temptation of actually having sex with someone.
"keep coming back"
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Pain 'n lonely heart songs
Has deafened my soul
Scream that was this loud
But all I saw was clouds
Come back it’s getting late
As I sit here and await
Will someone carry a voice to him?
Tell him a broken heart needs him
The interview went well, they told me that they only interview the top 3 people for the jobs, and based on my resume experience and different certifications that I am the outstanding one, which was nice to hear, the position will finalize in a week or so. I've sent my thank you letter today, which expressed my interest for the position and so on.
As much as the exchange of words in interview to boost my confidence, prior to the interview I was dressing up at home and getting ready for my drive to the interview. I couldn't help it to observe myself wearing sentimental stuff to the interview like his watch, a V-neck under shirt similar to what he wears. I couldn't help it but let that side of me have what it wanted as it would have only interfered with my interview and probably my confidence at the interview.
Also I noticed a few things from my Tuesday class, that an addict will stop spending money on them self and will go through a punishment by devaluing moral and physical life, basically selling themselves short in public, for example they will wear the same clothes for years, or won’t spend money on luxury items or get better car, as they feel not worth it.
I've moved my doctor’s appointment to Friday morning Due to my interview and I will bring up the love anorexia with my therapist and see what steps I can take to get over my love anorexia that I have, and I can’t express it to whom I feel it.
Basically I am trying to express that if you don't hit bottom hard, you won’t break any ground in your addiction as an addict can’t look at themselves and find the flaws.
The addict mind won’t let you see it. By monitoring your actions and taking inventory one can prove the addiction to themselves.
"Keep coming back"
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Roller Coaster in my Addiction
Today is the 4 month mark after the intervention, and so far it’s been a constant reminder and task to keep the sex out of my life and attempted to slow down the masturbation and porn including online ads, in order to find a level that I can deal with addiction.
By means of stopping the signs do not mean one is cured, it would be only denial to say I’m cured by not having sex for two month; the real test will come at the end of my goal when I try to incorporate sex and love life back into my life.
If my life become unmanageable at the end of my one year journey then it would mean that the journey was not very success full to the degree that I failed, and if it works and I can exercise my higher concourse of making wise decision about the future incorporation of sex into my life, that I would say that it was success full and I achieved my goals.
I feel drained today and upset of the fact that it’s been 4month now, previously when we broke up 1.5 year ago for about a year I didn’t notice the distance and month that were passing by, probably did notice for the first couple of month and I started to look for sex again, and I tried to replace him but since it wasn’t something I wanted to keep I kept having anonymous and different sexual liaison once in a while, and go back to my therapy for couple of weeks and it was a roller coaster ride.
I don’t want to experience this roller coaster hence I have opted to be living sex free for now, and only resort to masturbation when the hunger is too much and I can’t bear it or otherwise I would act out.
"Keep coming back"
Monday, March 15, 2010
I had a good weekend, I slept till noon hours, and did a bit of spring cleaning, I went downtown on the weekend for the SLAA class but with the daylight saving time I was late by 1 hour so I went shopping instead, while walking on shopping district couldn’t help it recall being there with him in November and walking store to store, it got me a bit as I felt alone, and not wanted any more as he left without any support, i don't think he will ever realize how much he hurt me.
I bought 3 designer suites that day, one especially for this interview I have on Wednesday, but with expensive purchases i still didn't feel good, i went home and acted out on my second bottom line of masturbation and porn and ads.
as I blogged earlier about the steps that are fueling my addiction one was job and career, there for I have since been applying for jobs more aggressively and finally an interview, not sure how it will go but will do my best at the interview.
I woke up this morning that my higher power can no longer stay in balance if I don’t come clean with my transforming face of my addiction, I have adapted to use different substances in form of sex to validate and not feel the guilt.
Jumping tracks is the most common element in sexual addiction, and its adaptation and resistance to a constant change makes the mind thing of a new way of coping with the withdrawal. As my previous post, it’s the panic and constant fear that challenges the mind to adapt and create a new substance to abuse.
some addicts become Alcoholic, Drug users, pill poppers or jump tracks in any way possible to resist the constant change, to be honest with myself I went through the constant change, and withdrawal of sex with others in my previous attempt, I quickly went back when I got emails from people who were interested in a sexual liaison, and after a while I changed course in my sexual capacity and to get a different attention I posted adds with others pictures and even as woman to grab some straight guys attention, and did in couple of instances dress up in pantyhose to have a sexual encounter and experiment with it.
I am ashamed of revealing this in my blog and to my therapist, but I feel that in order to move forward I have to clean my heart of the past.
Bible, Psalm 51, verses 1-3 say,
"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me."
Keep track of your addiction and monitor on daily basis and abstain from contact and communication with any sexual liaison past/present/future, don't panic and act out when feel threatened under your addiction, seek appropriate help and be honest with people who you love and can trust, as this would be my advice.
I have been sober 2Months 2Weeks+ on my main bottom line of no sexual contact with any one, but I masturbated, watched porn and saw some wanted adds over the weekend and, but didn’t reply, so I am back to day one day of sobriety on my second bottom line, working really hard on this one day at a time, and still seek support my SLAA classes and get help with therapy sessions into my addiction.
As in SLAA closing sentence
"Keep coming back"
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Surrendered to feel less pain
Surrendered but you still pulled the trigger
Drowned my self to save my dignity
Drowned at this sea so i wont ask for any help
Died to the world so you find happiness
Died in your arms without your care
Died in pain and drowned in misery, didn't help me
I hope the next person is better than me
Still thinking about my Ex, on daily basis, some times i have to chaise the thoughts away and push my self to get over him, i feel its a huge threat to my soberness and will cause me to act out in order to feel leveled in my angry feelings that i have towards him.
i was spring cleaning today, and realized how much house cleaning i did when i stayed with him, from back yard and the balconies to vacuuming the house and cleaning the oven fully, it wasn't my duty nor something that i would do regularly, i just felt connected enough in my heart to do these house choirs, and perhaps it was my way of saying sorry for the things i did in the past.
when I'm in pain i don't have the need or desire to act out but when my pain turns into anger i know i have to watch for my actions and carefully thread as i will be walking on thin ice and it all can go down the drain.
one thing i do to get over the anger is self love and self accomplishments as it feels comforting to see a tangible goal or self love including family love to support me through tough times.
I've been sober on my main bottom line for 2 month and exactly 2 weeks now and i haven't masturbated for 3 days and i am proud as i haven't watched porn for 3 days that includes not reading wanted ad's.
i hope all sex addicts find their absolute surrender moments and be in peace in their recovery, as i know its hard and challenging in every level.
"keep Coming Back"
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I feel as a whale lost at sea
Whale hunters coming right at me
A whale is hunted when comes up for air
Each breath it will take could be a tale
Harpoons loaded and ready for me to surface
How long can i stay under this surface
withdrawal is the pain of not having access to your substance of abuse, (from any type of addiction-- drug, alcohol, sex or gambling, etc.) some go through the withdrawal phase and relapse as pressure mounts, others never see the withdrawal and constantly act out with every urge, and some will go through the withdrawal bearing the pain and agony of withdrawal as they want change in their lives and the old life has become unmanageable and their addiction is an obstacle in their life.
SLAA step one
We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable.
the withdrawal signs that I went through are, immensely painful even to this day, some days I cry driving all the way to work, with glasses on as I don’t want anyone to see me with red eyes, I talk allot with the therapist now than ever before, pain from small relationships from the past emerge as my addict side wants to find some happy moment to trigger me to act out, very depressing actually and sad most of the time. I deal with sadness by going to the SLAA classes, creating a comfort zone with is taught full, respectable. Having family around really help, specially my mom, as she disapproves my sexual preference but she still loves me and wants the best for me.
I recall last year this time, and with my relapse I was seeing somebody else and having some other side kicks on the side it only lasted a few months and I went through another withdrawal for few weeks and it was constantly up and down, I felt like a balloon inflating and deflating constantly seeking attention, that balloon was finally popped Nov 16 through intervention, I didn’t see it as intervention first, but I opened up and did invite him in to my life to see the email accounts and the phone contacts, I relapsed for another month after this day and got my moment of superiority Dec 27th.
To any addict withdrawal is as being thrown in a pool and your addiction is oxygen, you will freak out at first and come up for air often but you finally realize that if you stay submerged and don’t panic you find your way faster.
So stay calm, stay in your program and get a sponsor to talk to.
i have been sex free for 2 months and almost 2 weeks, and in this time i have not contacted any one from the past for sex or creating new sexual liaison, i keep slipping on porn, wanted ads and masturbation.
"Keep coming back"
PS thank you for comments
It feels comforting that someone is reading this again
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Caterpillar roams the bushels for leaves to eat
Colour full and larger day by day as eats
He knows it’s time to weave his own cocoon
Finding a place quite and dark to call its own
It dies to the world in a silky cocoon
never to know it will be born again
For a caterpillar this is his coffin
Weaving his body with its own tears
Saying good bye to the world
And withdrawing himself in
at times if feel like this lonely caterpillar that is still roaming the bushels and now with the withdrawals of not acting out kicking in and at times I want to tell myself to just go through with it and do it, every day its taking a lot of my energy and focus to stop the means of acting out or even masturbation.
Sometimes I want that endorphins released in my brain, over and over, the feeling of ecstasy, at that moment to me is the factor that's drawing me in, I am sure of this addiction to be only about the action and release the endorphins, as after masturbation I leave the site and the ads and go do my regular choirs.
its the same characteristic as a chain smoker, no matter how much pills and patches they use, they are addicted to the action and the routine of smoking.
When the endorphin craving comes back I want to do it again, it a vicious cycle of filling the cup and knowing the cup will be empty again in few hours, thus finding the hole on this cup is the means of fixing this issue permanently hopefully.
Concepts for the Drainage
- Work and Career
- peer pressure of being straight
- Not being fully out and accepted
- Wanting to find True love
- Not having my own family
I had thought long and hard about these topics and formulating the essence of my addiction is deeply rooted in the above list.
All of these are within my control, but I have given up control over them, and focused my connection more with my sexual desire and sexual addiction as I found a fake and happiness that only lasted for few minutes and had me coming back for more hits and fixes.
It’s never too late but I can never go back in time to re-do the things I have done wrong, but I don't want to repeat them again.
I went to the Sunday classes, I was a bit early so I went for a walk and I saw my EX friend on the street, in as much as he created a distance between me and my EX which was unforgivable I marched by him and forgetting the wrongs he had done as I don't think he realizes my situation.
the Sunday class was great, there is a member that speaks like a true poet, this person spoke about their heart and how this heart made the child in them happy when they were little and now it’s their turn to keep the heart happy, this person was planning a day to go by the beach and cast some stones in the lake, unto the childhood memory and recall once a happier times, I almost cried as I felt the same missed connection in my heart.
it’s been 2 month and 1.5 week that I am sex free and I have not contacted any one for sex, I still get emails once in a while on my only email account that I have left, which I just ignore and delete them. I masturbated yesterday after 2 days of being sober and currently I am back to day One again.
"Keep coming back"
Sunday, March 7, 2010
"Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.
And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed."
By: poet/writer K. Gibran
My Codependency Factor
There was no codependent in my addiction, no one to help me up every time I fell down and no walking crutches to make sure I walk again.
this was all to source from the fact I lied to hide the truth, the truth which I saw harmful to people who I loved, I had no issue talking about who I hooked up last week or two days ago with a stranger or someone who was telling me their sex stories.
but I couldn’t bring myself to tell anything to people who I cared about, in my thoughts I was hurting them and ruining what they perceived of me as a good person.
I know for me if I have feelings for some one, I become protective of my feelings and harbor a jealousy over their actions, I recall this because over a year ago when my Ex told me that he had a good weekend and saw someone, my heart sank, my face became pale and I couldn’t form a sentence after that.
I saw myself hurting him the same way, if I told him any of the truth, and came clean with any sex liaison or internet chats I was having at that time.
I am not saying it was the right thing to do, or the correct course of action, I just didn’t know what to do as I started the relationship based on lie and kept sinking more and more into it, and every moment I had a chance to say the truth I felt that it was a moment of validation for him, and leave.
Another aspect of codependency is the feeling we share, verbally or through actions. I personally know that I wear my heart on my sleeve, and if I have a feeling for some one I make it known through words or actions. from slight talks to tangible items, I can’t hold back, and at times these feelings have smothered them and had the guys running, it happened so often that I started to show less affection and interaction with guys who I was dating or seeing. Call it withdrawal or detachment from feelings but I couldn’t handle having someone being smothered when you like them.
in my recent thoughts with therapist I recall talking about the fact I showed less feelings as I was not being reciprocated back with the same feelings, through words or actions, in my last relationship I did want him to be more affectionate and show his feelings but I felt I was the one who was leading on this and molding him to go with it, and my instinct would tell me to not do a simple act of cuddle or hold his hand in public when my heart screamed to do it. I’m not blaming anyone but the heart, as it reflected on my addiction and I did channel a bit of my emotional distress and wants with other people or through virtual internet with quick validations.
I have been sober for over two months still with my main bottom line of not having sex with any one and not contacting any one new or old for a liaison, also I was sober for 5 days on masturbation till my last post, it started with wanting to go through some platonic adds then I was in wanted section and then in porn site watching porn.
I will be going to Sunday class as I think I need to be in a group right away before losing my main bottom line superiority
"Keep coming back"
Friday, March 5, 2010
That boy in field with innocence
you hear his joy n smile in resonance
free of shackles 'n filled with dreams
joy of one day, forever be a dream
a crushed dream when he grew up
liers 'n looters, throw it out
i wish some one would see that little boy
hiding in side me fearing this world
i feel like that little boy in the poem, that my dream was crushed, when i was growing up not being accepted, all due to my sexual preference that i had as early as 7.
i grew up as an older child, in a most restricted society, and being sexually expressive was frowned on, i loved to help my mom bake, i learned as a child how to sew and iron shirts while my female counter parts can hem their own pants to this day.
i also did hand stitch work, only one piece as my mom never bought me another one to do, which i still have it, i was 12 at a time and was slowly becoming educated and confused about my sexuality, my mom bought this piece for me with pattern and colour threads and needle to do the stitch work, but after a talk once my dad had with me over the fact that i was stitching VS playing with cars or cards, she stopped buying me threads and new lay outs for me to stitch, i remember crying for days to be able to at least finish the piece that i had started, and Finlay i got more black thread to finish the black background, my mom understood and she said not to stitch in front of my dad or any one else, i recall it being a giant piece, but today it doesn't look as big as i remember.
my mother and father did everything they could do to stop my sexual growth and expression, so they called it "girls stuff", my dad would take me to his construction sites and put me to work in my early teens and my mom would stop buying stuff that i wanted or would never ask for my help in house choirs i used to do before.
i am not blaming them, i understand they did their part as parents to bring up a normal boy, and perhaps their way of not blaming them selves when i fully grew up.
but cant stop getting feeling of jealousy and envy from people who can be open and their parents are accepting of their choice, and wish them well and tell them thy cant wait for the day they settle down, this definitely makes them feel normal, and not missing out on life on their choice.
this supportive parent/child relationship creates atmosphere of acceptance and support, so the child feels comfortable with their sexual preference and in turn they don't act out in sexual fantasy or seek emotional dependency or worse unsafe sex to create a fake close sexual acceptance and love.
unto my sex addiction today i feel like i am climbing a mountain here and ordeals that are fresh and new to me, but i am sure that in years from now this would be nothing but a hill.
i pray every day that my sexual urges go down and diminish but, i slipped yesterday while checking my email after days and getting an invitation to a profile, the profile was a hot person but didn't create any contact and from there i looked though some Internet porn, and there was a urge to masturbate and look through wanted adds, as much as it took a lot of will power and only was looking for a while but i didn't masturbate and i still have not contacted any one for sex for over two months +1 week almost.
"keep coming back"
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Two month is not a charming tool
dove cant hoop without two wings for long time
i seam to have one addiction in control
now next one has to be in the registrar
i face this, one day at a time with no light
i don't like the slimes, but slimes have no sight
using slat, heat and acid to remove each slime
hours minutes and seconds, you I'm without in time
i was at my SLAA meeting where i got my two month chip yesterday, for being sober on my bottom line of not having sex with any one and not contact any one for sex liaison in past two months.
also i had my meeting with my therapist which went really well, i talked about by unprotected sex that i had with some people, who i found them attractive or unavailable enough to trust them with secrets of my sexual preference, and in a sick way trusted some with my health and in turn they trusted their health with me. sexual preference that i never talked to any one about and only person who would know would be the one having sex with me, there would be no further support or comfort, and the support and feeling of being in a utopia would end after the zippers would go up.
also i discussed about my needs and wants and how when the something that i want comes in my path i don't appreciate it but will go out of my to find the same present thing else were twice as hard to appreciate it better.
also i talked about how in some ways while looking for sexual liaison some autopilot would take over my mind and i couldn't seem to find the outside realm through it, until i went through that sexual urge, which lately it helps when i masturbate and see through the situation without the need of acting out physically with some one.
i have not reached much solid ground on my addiction with gratification and seeking a constant comfort.
i have been sex free for more than two month now and on my main bottom line of not contacting any one for sexual liaison new or old, and i have not masturbated or looked through wanted adds for two days as well, which i am proud of.
i will say a prayer for all sexual addicts out there, who are suffering out there to find the way and light.
"keep coming back"
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
as i scream in these hallows
and darkness creeps over me
i look for your eyes for comfort
searching this vast solid fort
only to find it abandoned 'n cold
only loneliness from here so i am told
where are you love as i need your warm hugs
i promise that this heart wont leave you cold heart
wont you take the full moon
and give me a hug soon
i struggle with full moon in my addiction, i rarely connect the two and have never matched the two by observation, i have only noticed it couple of times, and few that i recollect even today.
yesterday night for instance i couldn't sleep i tossed and turned the whole night and today as i was driving i noticed that it was a big moon and after searching on the net, for sure it was a full moon last night.
another time that i have a memory of was in a sex house, and as i was leaning on a wall, some one came to talk to me and make an offer and he mentioned about the full moon and its relation to human being more sexually active, as much as i knew that i didt know the next thing which was, in some cultures there is a less crime for the ones who are committed on full moon.
somethings can never be explained and others can never be fathomed in our small human mind, nature with its vast ocean and ever ending sky and space has humans in its grasp with dependence and magnetic energy that is mysterious.
i have been clean for two month now and no desire of acting out recently except the disturbed sleep pattern because of full moon, i have stoped my gym routine since i felt i was temped in some ways at the showers and found some guys are cruising me and i was getting involved by looking forward going to the showers.
i hope by stopping the gym membership some part of my addiction can stop dictating what to do and why to do it, the subconscious part that can never be explained to any one or controlled only after its done and gone. i haven't watched porn or masturbated today and i want to commit to clean 3 weeks on this bottom line.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. (Addiction anonymous prayer)
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
"Keep coming back"