2 year

Oh, what will I do?
If I can't be with you

Tell me where I will turn to
Where will I be without you?

Now that we are apart
Am I still in your heart?

All I want to do, is run to you
Wipe away these scars

Can you feel the hurt in me?
Will you stay or will I go to sea

Each day I live the role of tides
That you’re by my side at nights

But nobody is there
It’s cold once you were there

Poem by blogger


I have been thinking about this day, 9:25 AM October 4th 2008, for a long time. it’s the minute I started my communication with my EX, 2 years ago today, and lasted for just over a year of on and off relationship, it was a year of roller coaster ride in terms of relationship, a lot of highs and lows and lies and happy moments together, and it was over mostly and mainly because of my addiction to sex and not willing to change.

I was thinking how it was so far away, and what will happen when it arrives?
There has been no day that I haven’t thought about my last relationship and what I did wrong, I beat myself over and over with it, and debated about contacting him and reaching out to him.

Through the therapist, I realized I have caused him enough pain and need to leave him alone, and not to contact him anymore I am beginning to accept the fact and what has happened and there was divine call in some sequences of event for me to realize that the path i was going was wrong, and hurtful to other and mostly to my self.

I still read through the old text, some bad and some good, and haven’t been able to change my phone and let go of them. The negative ones motivate the change in me and remind me of what a dark and horrible person I once was and person that I can be if I don’t continue on my road to recovery.

I’ve been sober for 10 months now and I have found out a lot about myself and what my relationship consisted of in the past. I gained much needed tools and experience to deal with my sexual cravings and have managed to stay away from old protocols and trigger points.

Sometimes I feel like I need to create contact with the EX, pick up the phone and call him or text him, it has been really hard, and harder to stop thinking, thinking about who he is with, how is he doing! I detect when i am starting to fantasize and stop the patterns of negative and none conducive thoughts.

It has not been easy I have paid some heavy prices, like isolation and depriving myself of something which at the time I thought I wanted, and was mixing up my wants and needs and prioritizing them all in category of need, when I just wanted them for my pleasure and gratification. It was all selfish thoughts and never contained any one or thought about any one else in

I am still dealing with my health issue and trying to keep healthy for a bit longer before chemical and medical remedy needs to be an option. Beside my health I am still a sex addict in recovery and have to remind my self on daily basis.

keep sober and find your trigger points, and go to SLAA classes if your dragging your heels and hesitant about starting the recovery process.

Aren't you worth it!