Breaking the Chain

As I had posted months earlier about my job and how it was not being productive towards my recovery, I sought change and new positions, but so far nothing,
Today I have come to realize that this job is not for me all together and I will be quitting at the end of the week.

Its huge step amongst others that I’ve taken, by finding my triggering factors, so far I have cut out

- canceled my Gym membership
- Not going to clubbing and Gay Street
- I have drooped my gay friends on my social media site
- I have Isolated my self to find the trigger points
- stopped talking to any one from the past that I acted out with
- I have closed my luring email addresses and accounts
- Started my coming out process to people who mean allot to me

And most recently, I have quit my job that was enabling me to act out
I have started to focused on my upgrades and studies more at this stage and want to work more on my art and photography.

Find your trigger points, it can be anything from minute to huge, basically visible and invisible, most people experience it at work or home environment, to social lifestyle and friends that you might have enable you to be stuck in your addiction.

Break the chain as your worth it.

Finish Line Is So Sweet

Start line filled with runners like barrage
In line myself for the run with courage

Seeing the horizon appear as mirage
As my heart beats like in triage

I feel like I can run faster and fly
But my body won’t let me be sit n' lie

I felt alive when I finished the run
Another mile stone that my body re-run

I felt alive again with this disease
Like nothing can hold me down suffer in sins

Poem by blogger


I finished the 21km half marathon run over the weekend and my time was respectable 2hr 2minutes, a minute slower than last year but I’m happy with the result specially how my body handled me.

I was not tired at all, my knee was forgiving during the course of the run, and a bit too hot as I dressed too warmly for the cold start time.

This past week I had some challenges over my training with upgrade courses and my work I barely had any time for myself. I got only one run squeezed in with my schedule and I had some slips with contact and craving to act out and feeling of becoming overwhelmed was coming over me.

It started with text of old EX. about a street showcase, which my mind was micro analyzing, why was I being contacted! and who is he with?.
I had to quickly shut myself off from that pattern of through and quickly revoked myself to just one reply in text, and stayed away from open communication.

It was hard but I think I handled myself well with limited reply, as it wasn’t conducive to my thoughts and I didn’t want to feel my curiosity further and be cast in dark shadows over it.

Hope if you’re falling into same patterns of old contact and mismanagement of time and schedules, to stay clear of old habits and stop the anger and let go, stop feeding the curious monster inside, don’t let the hunger get over you, and continue on the road of recovery.

Choose the path that you know you’ll find salvation and abandon the path where you find more hurt.

Pushing My Self to Redline

Pushing myself to the Redline
To see myself cross the finish line

I’m dead to the world with this disease
I feel alive and like others at ease

Joined running pack since there is a goal
To beat the time as my body takes the toll

Poem by blogger


I am getting ready for the marathon run coming up this weekend, I will partake of half marathon, 21 km of relentless running, and I have paced myself for a 10km to 11km an hour, resulting I should finish in 2 hours or less, like my other years.

I have noticed due to my condition, that I run out of energy much quickly and out of breath much faster, and since I haven’t been to the gym because of issues around the sex addiction, I haven’t been able to weight train on my legs, and I feel it a bit on my knees and hips since I haven’t strengthened the core muscles and isolated the weight to go around the joint vs. through it.

it’s hard to void myself of all things that cusses me the addiction relapse and at the same time avoiding the consequences of it to my body and health, I ride bicycle once in a while but it’s not the same as weight in the gym of 250lb leg presses but I guess is some since imp not ready to go back to gym and temptations of others around me.

I still feel like a pit-bull that is a sleep and chained up, and for now I want it to stay that way by dealing with it slowly and untrained myself and train myself again.

Bursting in time

Bubble, bubble, where is the trouble
You only last seconds in this bubble

Glowing with colors, with Hughes of light
How I want to hold you tight

As I reach to you and to say hello
You vanish and leave a halo

Poem by Blogger


This is image of a Bursting Bubble, something that encouraged me to do my burst series in sculptures and welding pieces.
It’s something that no one ever thinks of the moment that something vanishes; it’s so pretty and fascinating that something so beautiful is rarely captured.

As an artist I always look for frames and angles that just leaves me breathless and wow and stunned on how it was done or how this can be!
I fell in love with the bursting moment of a bubble or something in tension and it’s about to burst.

A rose bud has a pressure that builds in side and it’s finally, it’s time to go for good and blooms in such glory and nice colors.

It’s been such a freedom in my own right, to slowly come out of my own shell and accept being gay and telling someone else who I consider friend that I am gay and I’m different.

I have always hide from this and pushed people back because I didn’t want them to know I was different and gay, because of it I filled my live with moment of fake happiness and validation, through sex and one night stands.

I hope if your reading this and your going through a sex addiction phase, you foremost practice safe sex, and secondly try to work on your issues by going to SLAA classes and setting sobriety goals.

Use the links on the light hand side to navigate to any site that you find fitting to your addiction or your substance of abuse of freedom.

You’re not alone.

Starting My 10th Month

You without patience
And I’m without a balance

Balance that I can’t replace
Every one I see fits his grace

I need to move forward
Why does it feel awkward?

Trying to not write back to his text
Why do I feel so vexed?

Poem by Blogger


My time off took me all the way to my art master, to help them unpack and setup the art studio. It was nice to have time for myself and reflect.
I didn’t act out nor did I have the feeling to do it, as I felt busy amongst old friends and new faces.

I had an agenda in my trip, as I feel so close to the art master, I wanted to tell him about my situation and start the coming out process. It was hard; I kept delaying it to next day and next day as excuse to guild up my loins to say it.
Finally the timing was right and I was alone with him at the pool house,

I said
"I need to talk about something important to me"

He said
"Sure go on"

I said
"I’ve had a hard time with this and feel like an outcast from the religious and family standpoint, I feel different and can’t control it any longer.

He stopped me and said
“I consider you as my 5th child and I have known all along or at least guessed it I’m glad that you’re telling me this, there is nothing wrong with you and from religious standpoint you can be gay but can’t be openly gay, and just ask for forgiveness if you feel bad about it.

I said
“I am gay and I see myself finding a partner and being in love, and I enjoy the love and companion of a man but at the same time I don’t want to hide it, it is me and I can’t deny myself any longer, I just wanted to tell you and be honest with you as I feel close to you.

We hugged and he said it will be a right, I cried like a 2 year old after he left the room, and on the drive to town he said your secret is safe with me, and if you need any help I am here, which was really comforting and great.

Most amazing part for me was the fact that he knew, and said your father probably knows too just doesn’t want to make it feel awkward for you by telling you, and my mom not telling him because she is leaving it up to you. He also concluded by saying that I’m not the only one with this issue in this religion, and there are others that have come to him with these type of questions.

It’s a Great way to start my 10th month I think, and I hope for the ones who are still in closet do come out and slowly accept themselves as by lying to people and loved ones around you I felt that a piece of my soul would die.

A week in summary

It’s been a good week, I took a bit time off work to just focus on my art and, I found a restaurant that wants to show case my pieces for duration of 6 months.

Even if nothing is sold, it’s better than nothing, at least ill show case it, and will get some traffic to my site and perhaps someone will see it and like them.

Perhaps before I leave to go back to university, I should do more sculptures and more pieces that I can’t do when I'm at home.

I really haven't painted any giant pieces, not done any photography lately. It all comes in form of depression and not willing to do anything. I really don't know how I managed to do my show last year even though I was not really into it. Perhaps the thoughts that he would show up motivated me to finish the show or the fact I had already paid the money upfront.

here I go again rendering topics about past relationships, to keep it up to day now, I have contacted a few galleries as well and I'm waiting to hear back. I still keep posting on free art sites about my profile just gives more impression on the internet and create links and possibilities that can lead to my site.

I am feeling a bit anorexic from attention and even thought of sex and even masturbation, perhaps the pills have put me into regular routine now, or its the side effects.

I keep monitoring my actions and haven't slipped on any thing, and I rarely go on line to see porn or other x rated material, and haven't broken my sex barrier, it's almost 9 months now.

I didn’t really feel like going to SLAA this past week to both classes as I just don’t want to be in a group session at this time, just don’t want any attention and don’t seek one in general.

keep going to classes, put up walls and barriers for your self ans sooner or later it becomes second nature to be sex free, and you will defeat the urges, with pills of without them by creating a normal and healthy routine

Numbers Game

Today is 9th of 9th, 9 is my favorite number, and today I looked into the meaning of it and why I like this number.

First of all it’s the highest single digit number both in decimal format and single digit, as it creates the next chain after 9 passes the and created the next form which becomes double digit
In every language it looks the same, from Sanskrit which forms the most of the languages on this planet, to today’s Hindu, Arabic and Latin roots, it all looks like a circle with a tail or open ended circle similar to @ symbol.

Its product of 3 x 3, also in some religions it said 9 is spiritual realm.

Mathematically, the interesting property of 9 is
9 x 1 = 9 (9 = 9)
9 x 2 = 18 (8+1 = 9)
9 * 3 = 27 (7+2 = 9)
9 * 4 = 36 (3+6 = 9)
9 * 5 = 45 (4+5 = 9)
9 * 6 = 54 (5+4 = 9)
9 * 7 = 63 (6+3 = 9)
9 * 8 = 72 (7+2 = 9)
9 * 9 = 81 (8+1 = 9)
9 * 10 = 90(9+0 = 9)

Most commonly its said that cats have 9 lives.

With all said and done it’s my favorite number as I looked into it, there is more proof to love it even more.

Anyone want to post their favorite number?

Hell vs Heaven

One side is hell
Other called heaven

Only a veil of distance
Comes to test patience

Love rained 'n received is heaven
Love retained 'n retrieved is hell

How long to spend in all this silence
In my sobriety to find its balance

Poem by Blogger



I watched a movie over the weekend it was amazing to find the link between art on silver screen and its close encounter of life captured within it. The character in the movie quoted a line where if paraphrased said "hell is not being loved and when your loved its heaven".

Wow what an amazing line, it was a bit more abstract in form of sentence but the meaning of it was as paraphrased, that the character was in hell and only thing that would save him was to find someone to love and be loved back.

When I looked back in my past I was at state of wow and high, nothing meant more to me than being with the lover do anything for him and only wanted the best in life for him. Somehow I get my emotional mix up of expectations and decline to see the love I receive and only want it in the same way I am giving.

some might be slow in giving and others fast, some show it and some just make it known, others verbally and some emotionally, yet with all these level of emotional ports to show affection, I am lost in my reciprocals from picking up the signals or yet my addiction gets the best of me and want to receive more than I give.

It was hard sitting there and trying not to think of the past, and paying attention to the movie. Perhaps it all came about after I was contacted recently; I don’t know what to do.

I have my next therapy session next week, and hope to shine a bit more light on my non-conversion and silence, as I feel this is the only way I can maintain a distance and hold on to my sobriety and perhaps the doctor next week can give me more guidance on what to do next on my step towards recovery.

A week in summary

It’s been a very cold weekend, and didn't do my training in fear of catching a cold or respiratory irritation, and couldn't go to Sunday class for SLAA due to long weekend. As family we were planning on going camping in the sub suburbs and because of the cold it didn't happen either.

Over all the weekend I have been at home and just relaxing and taking it easy, by watching movie and moving some stuff around. while moving a glass bookcase out, we managed to break the door and the glass went flying everywhere, and it cut my brothers finger, (this is the brother I don't really get along perhaps he knows I’m gay or the fact we are different on topics) he quickly ran in and drooped the bookcase that was to be donated to a charity on Tuesday for pick up.
I went in after him, to help him with the cut, I got the first aid kit and told him to put it under cold water not warm water, I washed it with iodine and since it was big laceration I wrapped it really tightly to stop the bleeding by compression. I knew if it didn’t stop he would need stitches, but I didn’t tell anyone as it would have just created more stress and chaos. I tended to him by telling him to lie down and arms up and stop opening the wound to check how it is as he would interrupt the blood clothing, it finally stopped and there was no need of stitches.

After it was over I thought about it if that was me who would have helped me, I know for sure it wouldn't have been him, nor my sister as she would have fainted and perhaps my dad but he doesn't know much first aid and I had to walk him through it and my mom was at work so.

I don't know why I care so much for others even though if they are my enemy and if that was me I was not going to receive the same attention back or level of care.

Sometimes my mind runs a thousand thoughts per minute and at times they are all negative and not really conducive to my over all recovery from sex or love addiction.
I still have needs and wants but I feel that there is a miss-balance still in my life and can’t seem to point it out.

Running In The Rain

What an amazing Rain
Powerful, it cresses this train

Thunderbolts ravage by
Fierce bolts apply

Fear of thunder stuck
Propel my feet to fly

Enjoyed it all being wet
Happy like a child with a pet

Poem by Blogger


Yesterday, after I got home, I went for a run. As soon as I was down the hill from the house it started to drizzle and next thing I know its pouring rain by the next hill.

I wanted to turn around and go back home, but I knew I needed the training for getting back to speed for the marathon coming up. I persevered and pushed myself to at least run a 10k. I was soaking went, the iPod stopped working as the ear buds were filled with water and soaking wet from head to toe.

it was an amazing feel to be able to run in the rain like that, last time I did such act was when I was little and I recall a storm and I ran out to the flat roof top house and just went out and got soaking wet, even though I got an ear full when I went downstairs from my mom but it was happy time, which I remembered during the course of my run.

it was amazing to see how the mind works and how it connect two things together, I had forgotten the day when I was little till yesterday, every time I would wipe my face clean from all the water drops on it or squint and fight each rain drop from covering my sight, I was truly and honestly at peace, I was so happy to run free and carefree from getting wet that I enjoyed my run and it didn’t feel that long even thought it took close to an hour to run the 10km.

Do an act of childish means, be connected to that child in you, paint something silly or go play in the yard and get dirty or simply go out in the rain with no worry. Break free of the shackles that we put on ourselves and set the soul free this is the true meaning of freedom to mea

City Of Angels

City filled with people and metropolitan full of souls, all searching for a meaning of life. Life that we age us and die life that sometimes passes us by. We are all angels in away, how to find that inner strength and harvest it is up to each individual being. The way we manage stress and how we honor people around us is the very fabric of social etiquette and way of life.

There are people out there that have written books about life and soul starting with religion and spirituality to the most political ones of anti-god and atheist views.
Both supporting relation of god and anti-god social fabric of society, that can live and be loved.

In my views the social fabric of god and fear of god is great, but when it’s driven out to point where you fear wrath of god and over his blessing and forgiveness is where people stop believing in him.

In atheist views, there is no god. And we are to respect the things around us as one is relevant to other and there is a nature’s balance, and the way of life as Darwin’s theory, survivor of the fittest in law abiding form and not in anarchist views.

Basically the one who is the most fit mentally and physically, and connect the two entity by spiritually is the builder of the pyramid of life, where by extending the height of each one it only gets large, but by lacking any one side there is no mass or space that it can take up, and it would only be a straight line.

I am still searching for meaning of life but every so often when I run the path, where scribed in the side walk, "god is love and love is god" catches my attention ever so gradually that vie come to realize that meaning of life is form of love you radiate and receive from the world.

There might be a god or not be a God after all, but I need to respect the ones around me and offer them love and affection, accept the course of actions in the past and don’t let it dictate my future.

I hope this Blog was help full in some ways for the ones reading it, and give you a topic to debate about on your belief of god, spiritual or atheist views.