Voice mail of MASS.....

Miss you Babe, I miss you SO much
Can’t compel how it is without you by my side

Miss your voice and comfort so much
Can’t replace it with voice mail and such

I keep reliving you and your touch
Can’t believe you’re gone and I feel empty so much

Poem: By blogger


I became much more sick over the weekend, and I went to a walk in clinic this morning and was given prescription for the ear infection and told to stay home to rest another day.

While calling to the office to inform about the sick day I had a flash back of 2 years ago when I was sick with tonsillitis, it was only days that i had meet Mass, but he called me and left me a voice mail. i kept the voice mail till i changed my number and lost it, but the voice mail keeps playing over and over in my head to this day, at that time i probably didn't value that voice mail as i do today.

"Hey I hope my boy is feeling better, daddy is thinking of you, and get well soon, call me back when you got time."

I didn't get to the SLAA class yesterday because I was really sick, and I haven't been online or gone through any form of inappropriate sites either.
I am still sober on my main bottom line of not having sex with anyone but I have broken my other bottom line of contact and reading wanted ads. Sober for 3 day currently on these bottom lines.

I'm Down With a Cold

Its been a Crummy weekend with the weather and my health, i got a cold earlier in the week and i though i had it under control and has gotten worse and i went to pharmacy today to get some stuff to help my sneezing and runny nose.

I had planed to finish the angel sculpture this weekend so i could bring it home and show case it in the backyard, but i guess has to wait till next week.

I was upset that i couldn't beat the cold, was it because of my health and thoughts just had me wondering and getting me more wound up, While resting i still cant turn this addiction off, looking through adds, and i think i have a huge obsession about it, sometimes i think i can see him or he can see me online and things could even out by me seeing his post online or a sign of something that he is moving on. or perhaps that he is not taken and still available

I know i have a long road on my recovery, and still check in with my thoughts and actions, i will bring the topic of going through adds online and addiction of seeing him online with my therapist next session.

I will try to go to the SLAA class tomorrow if i can with the cold, and its all up in the air for now.

While i was resting i watched several movies and couple of articles beside being on inappropriate sites, one of the movies i watched was "Flashback of a Fool" stars Daniel Craig, (recent James Bond star which looks allot like Mass. Ive told him this but he doesnt think so,)beside thinking of the X, this movie is about a boys sexuality and how far he was deviated from his origin to stop feeling a loss and his wrong choice of action which lost his girl. Its a great movie, of power struggle and sexual addiction undertone.

thanks for all those who are voting on the Poll, keep the comments coming too, much appreciated.

Internet Addiction

This virtual world of Internet is addictive, and can’t seem to put a lid on it, and can’t seem to put it down.

With its anonymity and anonymous sense of hiding behind a monitor and just getting my gratification without the need to meet someone for physical activity is a bonus at this stage as if I had to act out it would be a slippery slope back to where I was last year.

In other aspects I feel like a relapse is in order as only gratification through the Internet will only last so far and so long.

I had a meeting with my therapist yesterday and I talked extensively about how I feel terrible about my health and over the course of this past month some signs tell me I’m not the same person from years before, like I can’t finish a 10km run without walking a bit of it, or by aches for days after my runs as recovery is taking longer.
All this stress adding to my want and need of gratification to tell me I am still okay and normal.

I am sorry I am doing this but I can’t deal with my health in any way or form, as it’s here to stay and nothing can change or alter that for now. I get upset and angry over it at times but have managed to deal with the anger by moving forward in life and looking at my current achievements than my past crisis.

I also mentioned about the fact I haven’t gone to SLAA classes following the plan of coming out to the group, it scared me so much to come out to a group that I personally choose not to go there. The Dr. mentioned that it’s all in my head and I should attend and have a longer goal of coming out than your immediate following class.

The Dr. also recommended two things, either I continue the road of recovery or don’t, and re assured me to take it one day at a time and you’ll be back to where I was prior to Internet broken barriers.

Thoughts of You is Like a Bullet

Set me free N' set that bullet free
Every thought of you just relapses bare in me

I set my self free but keep coming back to me
Back to the thoughts of once we had you see

Cant forget how you once looked at me
Tears in my eye, rolling down on me

Once I felt like a ghost
Then you came along

Life was potent when you were around
Now all barbwires have me surround

Poem by Blogger


I try my hardest not to go on line or reply to any mail, and it worked I was abstained from internet yesterday, till

I started watching the movie "International" with Clive Owen as main star, I couldn’t help it notice how much he looks like him with big nose and big smile, I slipped after his thoughts came to my head, it was around early 12 am hours when I broke my one day sobriety of internet and replied to couple of adds, and masturbated to some of the explicit descriptions of the ads, even though I wasn’t going to go through with them, I just couldn’t control the factor of seeking attention with my addiction.

I am really beat up over thoughts and past keep chasing me in my head but can’t move forward if I don’t write them out of my head one by one. I feel that this method works for me as some of the things I have blogged about don’t bother me anymore, I feel like I’m writing them off or telling them to my trusty sponsor then I can move forward when I stop re-living the past.

I hope you can take this as a pointer and incorporate a diary or a sponsor into your addiction method to get well sooner.

Living Under Shadow of An Angel

where i go i feel this warmth
A guiding light, brighter than sun

Feathers are soft as i fall a sleep
Hallow is bright guiding my hollow night

Caring knowing pain of my heart
Leaving me room to fly and

poem by: Blogger


Ive been good so far on this weekend, i am still sober on my main bottom line of not having sex with any one, and have masturbated multiple times to keep my self in check.

one thing about this addiction is to admit to what you have done wrong, admit your wrong action to your self and sponsor, and so far i know of opening up my communication lines through the Internet and chatting with people about top of sex or getting together while i don't want to break my bottom line. i get off on approval factor of the Internet chats, and masturbate to it.

Over the course of past two weekends i have been welding and putting the sculpture together, its and angel bust with hallow so far with room to install a wing in the back, all made from round punched metal scraps, its massive and weighs a lot in comparison to my past pieces.

I try to fill my spare time with activities like the sculpture making and running for the up coming 10 mile run to stop my self from acting out online or ultimately breaking my main sobriety of no sex with any one, and i have about 5 month and 1.5 week so far on that bottom line.

I continue to struggle on making my life more stream line and less stress full for my self to increase my self esteem to stop looking approval on line.

Through The Heart

I don't have much to Blog today except that i found this image that reads

"Through The Heart All Beings Find Their Foothold"

Its very meaning full and though provoking, to me it means to follow the heart and you'll be okay, and meaning of life formed from love is everlasting.

I hope it lifts any ones spirit.

Constant Wave Of Withdrawal

Oceans of sorrow, no land in this hallow
Come save me with my constant S.O.S.

Drowning in love and your surreal face
Cant hold this longer, being without your grace

Getting cold in this sea of icy waters
Want to close my eyes 'n be warmer when I see you

Poem: by Blogger


Its been a hard week, so far to keep my self out of trouble and in line with my main bottom line, i have been online ive read through ads, and replied to some and to others ive masturbated, or just made a fool of my self by creating intrest and not going through with any one. i feel terrible by how much grasp my addiction has over me till i masturbate and only post masturbation i feel the anguish and hurt of acting out.

I had a project of installation where, i was over seeing a job, and one of the installer who i deal with on regular basis, drooped a huge panel on their foot as it was oily and slippery i rushed over to see what happened, nothing major as he was wearing safety shoe but a bit scraped on the ankle,

As i was giving them ride back to their shop on my way back to office, i asked again how is the leg, he replied "Its nothing compared to getting your heart broken".

i was gaspoing for air inside, as that line got my attention, I asked why would you say that, and it comes out that he is breaking up with his wife, but he doesnt want to and is sorry for what he did but cant go back and replace the pieces of the past.

I wanted to say more but kept it to my self, all i replied was that it will all be okay at the end, you'll see.

what do people think out there does the line "THIS TOO SHALL PASS" work on just about every thing or you cant get the Special event or people out of by just Time.

PS; thank you for the last reader who left a comment about what triggers your addcition.

Out of The Frying Pan, Into The Fire

love this photograph, when i saw it and had to share it on my blog, this photography tittled 'into the fire' taken from Idiom "out of the frying pan, into the fire" line meaning; If you get out of one problem, but find yourself in a worse situation, you are out of the frying pan, into the fire.

I feel that way sometimes, that my addiction is a uphill battle with every turn things keep getting harder and cant collect my enery to fight it and some days i fall short of my power and go on the internet.

I still have managed to stay sober on my main bottom line of no sexual contact with any one and sex mainly with any partner.

ive also added a POll that you can participate in and vote on what triggers your addiction and your addiction drug of choice.


SEE TOP RIGHT CORNER FOR THE POLL
(you can select multiple answers)
please participate and support me on my fight by proving there are others out there and i am not alone in my addiction.

Fusion

Cold steel as it’s punched
Hot welding as it’s done

Shiny and cold, then rusty and warm
All in time, all in its tone

Comes together a piece is born
One day they are both torn apart

Means the world to artist each piece
Just weight is more to holder of piece

As the piece coming together building its mass
Couldn’t help it the last piece called Mass.

Poem: by blogger


I'M welding again; this image was the last piece I made, close to 6 months ago right before my exhibition. I love the feeling of something coming out of nothing, as I use scrap metal and just a welding gun to put together the pieces.

over all I had a good weekend, I went running a 10km on Friday and as welding all Saturday, then I went to a bachelor party, which wasn't bad as I had thought, they kept things PG and no stripper or dirty dancing after.

As we all were watching the NHL game 1 for the cup, and switching to NBA game, there was sports news of Tiger Wood, and people just jumped at his throat, saying things like

- Sex addict that’s a good excuse
- How can you call it sex addiction when you pay for it?
- Or things that bothered me

and I went for the loudest one in the group, he studies social science and knows of some psychology, I asked so you know of alcoholism, he replied: "yes" I said so what’s the difference, it is because something tangible and you understand the substance there for your quick to say yes that person is alcoholic, so in same case there are many types of addiction narcotics and coke, to basics that you know alcoholism, and to abstract as food addiction or even love and sex addiction.
Then he said yea it understands, and I said you can’t say that it doesn't exist because its drug of choice to some people and might not be the same thing for you.


so with that being said, what is your Drug of choice in your addiction?
please comment below or use the poll in the top right .

Floating Away But I Feel Numb

As previously blogged I have a, unexplainable sexual desires around the full moon and even though I wasn’t counting the days down but I knew something was different that day and when I checked the calendar, sure it was "full moon" written all over the 27th.

yesterday I managed to stay away as much as I could from the internet by being on my feet and moving around at work and running to do office supply run, while its not part of my duty.

Today I have started taking the anxiety depressant pill but I quarter the pill and take the quarter and the effect is much lower to the full pill with full crashes and suppressing effects, I have managed to stay surf free and less interactions of sexual internet based interaction.

Its full 5 months that I have stayed sober with my main bottom line of not action out sexually, but to be with reality I have come very close in breaking it and going through with having sex with people or the fact that I broke my internet barrier has been very devastating and at the same time harder to keep my sexual sobriety in check during the course of internet, porn and other sexual patterns can be only one click away.

I masturbate as much as I can at home and at my own presence so I won’t act out with other or remotely be interested in a sexual partner both past or to new sexual liaison.

Also I want to check in with my blog that I got a text from the guy I dated after the Ex last year, and it was neutral and was about him praying for my recovery and wishes that I am still healthy, but I haven’t replied back to him and have stayed away from the past and continue to close my past chapters.

Scared Of Moving On

Since my last blog of how I meet him, I felt a bit lighter by telling the truth in my blog about that day and honestly how everything else beyond that day was a mess on my part mostly.

But I still haven't come to close the chapter and as he said once "take my boots and march on" I am stuck in the past and the future, not knowing what future holds and feeling comfortable with who I know in the past and keep going back to it.

Could it be that I want to live in the past so I feel that I am no longer a sex addict or wanting to feel that my health is not compromised?
I don't know the answers yet and I am searching by being true on my blog and continue on my recovery.

the picture posted is photo shopped picture of an alter I found, I choose this picture since I had a dream recently, and the dream was at a dignified place, at a wedding where I was wearing a tux and walking down the aisle, but there was a bride waiting at the end of the alter, and I kept dragging my heels from getting there but people were cheering me on and being happy about it, and I was anxious and nervous, soon the dream changed, and I was watching someone else's wedding and I was watching a guy waiting at the altar and it looked a lot like him, I woke up with a pain in y stomach and couldn't go to bed for the rest of the early morning hours.

I don't know why I saw him this way in my dream, perhaps he is moving on, and I have had these thoughts for past while that my recovery is been too late to initiate anything or the fact I haven't heard from him in almost 6 months.

I have been sober still on not having sex, but i still struggle with the ad post


4:31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 4:32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
(King James Bible, Ephesians)

Going Into The Dark

I had a very depressing weekend, I was living in the past and at one instance I was thinking of how I meet him;

I recall talking with him back and forth several times and Cam-ing with him, and telling him what an awesome name he has, which sounded so exotic to my ears, but we didn’t meet-up due to place and his circumstances of being far from me.
The day that we meet finally, I recall using my last message privilege to let him know to email me, and he did and I have kept that email to this day, even though the email account is closed now

as I drove to meet him, I packed my sex kit of condoms and stuff to be safe, I walked into the hotel room (I remember the layout of that room to this day) and he was wearing a dark hat I shook his hand, (his handshake wasn't firm and I can tell allot by a hand shake, either he was nervous about something beyond I what I knew) he had a black back-pack on the side of bed and talked about how his friends place was a mess and he rented this room, then we both sat on the sofa by the window, where had a small talk and before I knew I felt comfortable in his arms the whole day.

I recall spending the whole day with him and having lunch at an Asian place on china town, and shopping for his safety boots at a local market, and having beer with his friends and going back to the hotel room again to have sex again, and after I was dressing up to leave I over heard him say to his friend that "his lips are chaffed now) I felt degraded and did mention to him before I left. I left promptly after and that night I went for annual art show, and called him in case he was free to meet up and went to voice mail, and the next day I had a voice mail in return from him that "he enjoyed the art show and wished his phone wasn’t turned off for me to came over" (I saved that voice mail for as till I changed my number but I listened to his voice when I missed him)

That night after leaving him a voice mail I thought of surprising him with going to the hotel, so I went as far as going up to the hotel suite where he said he will spend the night but no one answered the door.

I wish I could turn back time to that weekend now with my current knowledge of myself and do the whole meeting all over again, as I terribly miss him.

That was the story of the first meeting with him and I think anything beyond that day went terribly wrong mostly from my side of not being honest and not being 100% available to him.

When i meet him, It was almost one year where my health circumstance had changed, and I was in a deep depression and constantly in and out of it, I had sex some time and I would abstain form it for a few weeks and go back to fill my dreams that was shattered with news of my health circumstance.

I had felt lonely for a year, after coming back from missionary project to Middle East and I did some things that I regret after coming back, I missed who I was dating back in Middle East, and friends and co-workers, it was truly my first place away from home.

I made many mistakes when I am depressed or lonely, and sometimes I can’t control the urges.

Reducing My Craving

Listen to the silence
Howling of the winds

How long can a candle wait
With flame melting its wax

Darkness has creeped on me
Cold of the night followed

But kept that corner of yours warm
That corer of my heart you took hold

The warmth i have there if for you
But your still not there to see it through

Poem: by blogger


Over the past few days i have reduced my craving for sex, i have been thinking a bit about the past and the fact that i haven't seen him for 6 months is a bit upsetting me, and has gotten to me, i have stopped mapping my blogs based on date where we separated, and i have hidden my feelings about my last boyfriend who meant a lot to me.

I have become to realize and understand that i cant express my feelings to him, but i haven't made my peace with the fact i cant see him any more, and its bothered me terribly inside, some times his voice resonates inside my ear drums and i miss him or the way he used to hold me at night.

its best to talk about it and let these feelings out, i don't know what else to do to stop the aching soul as i keep fighting the addiction with being lonely.

i am still sober on my main bottom line of not having sex with any one and soon will be 5 months of sobriety.

Self Control

I saw the comment of a reader about acting out and how terrible they felt, i was in the same case when i broke my Internet barrier, and do pray for your soberiety and every other addict out there still suffering like me and you.

but after reading a article by a therapist about addiction and to create a safe environment to live in that is both relaxing and calming and Free of all guilt and effort to stay sober, is recommended versus an environment where the addiction substance is available and your both triggered or stressed to act out.

it can both apply to drug and sex addiction, i choose this picture as speaks volume, the person is in a straight jacket but painting his cushion walls, while there is no cushioning there.
by tricking yoru self that your treating your addiction your both lying to your self and setting your self up for a big dissapointment and hurt.
target your addcition from the root and eliminate your trigger points.

i am slowly pulling a way from wanted ads and viewing them, i am still distrought about replying to some ads earlier in the week, but i have kept my main bottom line of not having sexual contact with any one for 4 months and 3.5 weeks

i keep meditating at night over my thoughs and my addiction and bring my actions to account before i go to bed and what i could have done diffrent as a lesson learned before i go to bed.

Launching My Self Foward

Moving on wards with the 6th month of therapy. and out of it i have learned a lot, although i haven't has physical sex for 4 months and 3 weeks but i was sober on my main bottom lines for about 4 moths of not creating any contact and emailing any one for validation till earlier in the month.

Today's therapy meeting went really well, first i spoke about the pill that it made me sick and vomited over the weekend, then we moved on with my validation factors and how i haven't been honest in the SLAA classes with my sexuality and how much it has hurt me by hiding it this far from every one.

It has made me more quite in social gathering so no one will find out any thing different about me or socially cautious, making me think of what would this crowd think if they knew i was gay!

First step is to come out to the classes and my therapy group that i am gay and crate a home where i can lunch my coming out to family and to people who matter to me the most.

i think this is a great lunching platform that i even feel comfortable with and no longer have to be the caterpillar in the cocoon.

Pill Differences?

i am not a pharmacist or a doctor but i am speaking from my experience, discuss with your doctor about your option if you have tried all your options of self treatment and restraint and has not worked

there is a huge difference between mood depressant than the anxiety and depression pills, they all have side effects of lowering the sex drive with huge differences

Mood depressant will suppress the mood to a blank stage, the person on it feels nothing, i personally didn't want to partake of any thing, and just wanted to sit some where and just watch TV or sleep for the most part, i had no appetite and when i became active and wanted to exercise i would get dizzy and when i forced my self to eat i threw up. i couldn't masturbate while i was on them, as i would never reach there to ejaculate.

anxiety and depression pills on the other hand, make the person happy and vibrant while affecting the sex drive by limp penis or lower sperm count, it also reduces the appetite but i didn't notice much as i ate regularly while on them. this pill worked for me for a while but the up swing of lifting the mood it couldn't stop me from acting out or seeking validation through email or Internet. resulting breaking the routine and not staying with the program.

I feel much better today after a long shower yesterday and rest. i have my appointment tomorrow with therapist to discuss another avenue for taking medication with less side affects as the mood depressant was terrible. i am still yawning from the side effects of the few pills i took and sleepy but i am glad i didn't take it during work hours as i could have been fired.

Lowest Abis

BABE I LOVE YOU, YOUR MY LIFE
HAPPIEST MOMENT STILL NOT COMPLETE IF YOUR NOT BY MY SIDE

YOUR MY CONNECTION TO THE SUN
YOU BY MY SIDE NO DARKNESS I CAN OVER COME

YOUR MY RAIN DROP, I AM A SEED
WITH YOU AND GOD, I WILL GROW SO BEAUTIFULLY

BABE I'M SO PROUD
THAT ONCE WE SHARED A BED AND YOU HUGGED ME SO BEAUTIFULLY

MAKE THE CONFUSION GO A WAY
AND WARMTH BACK IN MY HEART, SO SET ME FREE

AS I'M DANGEROUSLY IN LOVE WITH YOU
IF YOU FEEL IT, AS I CANT KEEP LOVING WITHOUT YOU

MY HEART SMILES just KNOWING YOU
IT FEELS SO GOOD SOMETIMES BUT HURTS BAD TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU

I LIVE MY LIFE FOR A HOPE, A CHANCE
& CLOSE MY EYES AND REACH, ARE YOU THERE WITH ME



I have taken two days of the mood depressant and have made me sicker so far, to the point that i throw up today again and i haven't eaten much,

i have scheduled an emergency meeting with the therapist after reporting the vomiting and dizziness.

i was in tears, while holding my head half way into the toilet and all i could think was him and how much i miss him in my lowest abiss.

i know i was instructed not to write about him and to think of him, but cant struck down a soul.

i will post later about the pills as i feel dizzy today.