Moon

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According to the counter, there has been 1000+ visitors so far, visitors from over 15 countries seeking help and links for SLAA and to read about experiences of a fellow SLAA member.

I thank you for visiting and I hope you find the material and content posted useful for your sobriety and SLAA.

Keep going to the classes and going through the step, because you’re worth it.

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Enabling Factor

As I’ve blogged earlier in the week about finding your roots, I was doing much fierce searching for then in my own, and I revisited the past pages, by looking at my childhood album and finding some happy times, and nourishing thoughts.

The happy child you see in the photo is me holding a rose from our garden, while standing in the backyard and posing for this photo, I remember every time I would go to the back yard I would pick a big rose flower or few small flowers and I would take them in, and I either gave them to my mom or my grandmother.

I had forgotten about some of these little details and when I looked at the picture and I asked my parents they told me few other details that I didn’t know of the place, and story behind the picture, which made me laugh on how cute I acted when I was little.

This week I am trying to be humble and take it one day at a time but with chain of events that has occurred its hard to forgive and move forward, I cancelled my evening classes yesterday and went to Tuesday session of SLAA, it was an amazing class some new comers and some old faces.

We read the step 3 that everyone is welcome to the classes and no one is turned away from any AA group and gathering. One person shared their experience of being in AA as alcohol enabled him to act out and it was a bridge to get to the other side, and made me think, so what was my enabling factor.

I have been thinking hard on this topic, and have read some material on the net. The topic is abstract as it gets for some its alcohol and drugs that enables them to freely act out in their sex and love addictions; they use alcohol or drug excuse to get away. others abuse their alcohol or drug in order to get what they want or suppress their feeling of addiction and hunger, some turn to gambling and shopping to either subdue the effect or bring up their self steam in order to stop from acting out, and in some instances people hang on to the past to stop them from acting out or the past will enable them to act out as the past laves them worthless and weak.

I have been really busy with my grandmothers situation, and have no time to really think about myself and now that I have time for myself and I’ve been able to think about what had happened and decipher the sequence of events I’ve been sick to my stomach to realize who I thought my lover was no lover at all.

The sequence of events for the past couple of weeks were too much but now as I time to obsorve with a wise and clear mind, i come to find out that there was no love in my past relationship, I believed so much that it was me who crushed the relationship, but my instincts were right, there was no love for me, as I asked did you love me and he replied "I cared" and when I asked him what made him fall for me, and his response was "the sex got better and better" I should have taken them as sign of a sex or love addict and ran, and today he is serial dating from one relationship to another, not knowing what he wants to offer or looking for.

I know some parts I slipped in that relationship but to find out that there was no love, I feel as a speckle of dust. Worthless and weightless, even though I have forgiven him but now I feel the scar is open again. I have stopped myself from acting out in the past two weeks, and I’ve masturbated and watched porn to suppress my feelings.

I wish I would have never called him.

Roots

A seed is set, to grow on its set
It grew slowly, slowly maybe
The branches grew out, as the tree grew out
Seasons kept coming & blossomed in spring
Right after the rain couldn't keep it tame
The sun just came out a night just went out
Several years later the tree was still there
Birds on the tree, magical thing to see
Melody of the birds, would fill up the land
Years in years out, one day a storm came out
The wind was hard, the branches came apart
The thunder went by, with its pierced wind
The tree was left, with its branches bended beneath
Soon the spring would, come back, and all back to set
But no sight of spring and a life at sting
The tree waited by, for the spring to come by
Years went by, no spring came by......

Poem by Blogger


I will blog earlier in the week about roots and how our psychology of mind is as basic as roots of the plant. There was once roots that gave room to the plant to grow, and there were once a seed that started it all.

After growing up people tend to lose their ways and get caught up in social enigma’s and dogmas, which makes us wayward and lost. Instead of waiting for a spring to come back in order to start growing, look deep inside the roots, those will never be altered and changed, they only grow stronger in time and sculpt you the person you are today.

Searching in nature for my answers, it makes sense when in therapy they keep mentioning my roots, and my comforting factors. They want me to go back to my roots, to that first sprout that started my being and shaped my scope of life. Of course that little sprout like the tree now it’s a giant roots that is set in its way and you can only examine it of how it was brought up through family and parents upbringing.

these roots are different from person to person, they captures every angle and highlight of our life’s, and help to shapes the human being you are today with characteristics and personalities that makes you unique. We draw power from our roots to get through the rough time and help families bond as their roots are bonded together.

Take care of your roots and never deny your past as it has made you the person you are today, love yourself before loving others, and pray for strength and humility to get through the rough times.

Power Of Prayer

I believe in prayers as a mode of expression and connection with soul and god, but I never beloved in their power of healing or having it remove affliction and grieve till recent days.

As I blogged about my grandma being terminally ill and doctors had given her two weeks, after having numerous numbers of family visit and I initiated prayer gathering with every one, asking them to say a prayer, by the end of the prayer said for healing, most adults were almost in tears, some already crying.

I am happy to say she is doing better but still in the same isolation chamber, and is given antibiotics still, she can carry herself back and forth to the bathroom and is holding down her food. Doctors are amazed that an 88 year old woman is beating TB while it was full spread in her lungs.

I’ve said short prayers in my heart almost daily at night before I go to bed, and somehow I am attributing my sobriety to them, as I was grown in a very religious family and parent up-bringing, I got disconnected with my roots and somehow though it lost connection with myself. I stopped believing in my capacity and myself worth and I gave it all away in gay sex life.

I am happy to be sober and have myself back to a level that is manageable and it not corrupt any more, but it is still thin ice and I don’t want to test my sobriety with integrating sex or dating back into my life.

If your lost in sobriety and can’t find the means of leveling with your own head, cut down any access to your dug of choice, this could mean various things, email, phone numbers and contacts or even friends. Go back to your roots and the way you were brought up. If you went to church or had Sunday bunches with the whole family or, every breakfast you sat together or every dinner every one was around and when you all watched TV every one sat around and laughed together.

I will blog later about roots and how our psychology of mind is an s basic as the way we were raised and once smiled to our mothers and parents and comparison to nature and animal kingdom.

PS: I like to thank anyone who read the posts about my grandmother and prayed for her well being. thank you from bottom of my heart.

Proposition 8

Its been a crazy week for me, with my family and as much as I can, I take time outs by running or going to my evening study classes and trying to put my mental and physical health first, its been some test full times so far

I want to blog about this story that meant so much to me this week and have followed it dearly, proposition 8 and how good always prevails over the evil.

Doesn’t anyone care anymore in the world? Why are we shoving our ideas and believes down people’s throat without the decency of calling it "Educational".

As many of you know proposition 8 was passed to stop the same sex marriage in state of California. Basically proposing the idea of partnership as boyfriend or girlfriend is recognized, and wife/wife or husband/husband is not recognizable in state of California.

Yesterday the proposition 8 was over turned by the public appointed judge for this Supreme Court case, which was brought forth by two couple from California, the case was filed since proposition 8 violated constitutional rights and charter of freedom.

More than 18,000 couple was married before the proposition banned their marriage and didn’t recognize their union, but today they are all celebrating overturning of the proposition and their reinstatement of their marriage and recognition under the law.

George Takei gay actor in Hollywood, celebrated with his partner after the vote and overturning of the proposition 8, His message to Prop 8 supporters? "Mind your own marriage,”

This is huge deal, as the Supreme Court case ruling, strikes down all other similar laws, in more than 15 other states there were banns against gay marriage and recognition of if you were married in another state.

Shame on those who thought they can revoke other people’s civil rights by supporting proposition 8, and silence them by treating them any less than a human being.

#1. Catholic Organizations – Jesuit raised and educated, this one pains me to no end and causes my blood pressure to blow through the roof. To me, it’s appalling that at a time when Catholic diocese around the U.S. are closing hundreds of urban and inner city schools and churches, this group can ill afford to be spending millions to legislate hatred and bigotry. Facts are that Catholic Organizations represented the second largest group of donors who helped pass Prop 8. Knights of Columbus (www.kofc.org) who’s founding principles are charity, unity; fraternity (but not bigotry) gave nearly 2 million to the fight. The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops and The Saint Andrews Alms fund round out the group of homophobes.

#2. National Organization for Marriage – Maggie Gallagher is the President of this Non-Profit that’s been set up as a national resource for marriage related initiatives happening on the state and local level (www.nationformarriage.org). This group gave over 1.5 million to enshrine homophobia in California.

#3. Fieldstead & Co – According to The Daily Beast’s "The Man Behind Proposition 8"Few Americans have heard of Ahmanson—and that’s the way he likes it. He donates cash either out of his own pocket or through his unincorporated Fieldstead & Co. to avoid having to report the names of his grantees to the IRS. His Tourette’s syndrome only adds to his mysterious persona, as his fear of speaking leads him to shun the media. While Ahmanson once resided in a mental institution in Kansas, he now occupies a position among the Christian right’s power pantheon as one of the movement’s most influential donors.” Fieldstead and Co gave nearly 1.5 million.

#4. Elsa Prince – This one’s really charming, Elsa Prince is the widow of Michigan-based Christian backer Edgard Prince who co-founded the Family Research Council, and the mother of Erik Prince, founder of the controversial mercenary firm, Blackwater. I’ve found conflicting numbers on the size of her donation but it sits over a half million and might even be approaching a million.

#5. American Family Association – Donald Wildmon, Chair. (www.afa.net), (AFA) is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization that promotes conservative Christian values. Widely known for their efforts advocating censorship of print and electronic media. The group fights against same-sex marriage, and opposes equal-rights and hate-crime legislation that would include sexual orientation and gender identity. They’ve repeatedly tried to criminalize homosexuality through various legislation. Their donation tops the half million dollar mark.

Visitors

Welcome to my world, there is room as I’m told
I hope its better news, next time I meet with you soon

Where to go in this world, as I see you, and you’re sold
Come here I got shoulder for other to cry on

you message me but never call me, your so sweet
But where to go, as I’m terribly missing you

Poem by: blogger


My grandma is not getting better as we prayed and trusted the doctors, she gets one day better but next day she gets worse, and the doctor keep moving to stronger medicine every couple of days to beat the infection from gaining ground. She doesn’t eat any more and when I visited her recently she stood up to go to bathroom and her arm was weak and very skinny.

We had visitors this weekend from out of town to see her, mostly grand children and some great grand children that saw her through the double glass windows as she waved at them and was happy to see them by her side.

Her other children want to come and visit their mother too, one of my aunt specially, and we are at midst of sponsoring them to come here and be able to see her before she passes, or perhaps get her spirit stronger to beat the infection if possible and chance that miracles do exist.

I have had no sexual desire lately to act out, and have been sober for 7 months and one week, for the most part it has been really depressed with the current situation affecting my family me and my other close relatives and family friends. Everyone is upset and there is a very dark shadow on every one, specially my dad.

I have broken contact barrier couple of times in the last couple of weeks, and have called Mass because he asked me to call him, I have kept the conversations clean and detached by not seeking his comfort or emotions, and still I was supportive of his carrier and cared for his lifestyle, which I caught myself doing.

I am lost in between all this mayhem, and chaos, and feel that after the storm i might find my self in a whole new place that will crush me. I keep tracking my activity and keeping my self chaised from all bad thoughts and actions to keep my self on my soberiety.

Heat Ache

Why these heart aches won’t let me be right
As I climb onto and feelings won’t go away

I had my chance to save, to hold, and love
But now I'm living with heart aches, it’s tough

Matter not how far I run, and how high I fly
Its where once felt home, then tossed it out

Poem by Blogger


It’s been a week I haven't posted, but since my last post about my car issue, I have had a tougher week so far, with evening classes’ exams, and work and family life, it was a bit off balance, and in recent days the family life turned to worse.

I posted about my grandma and her health exemplifying how if you think negative thoughts, it will find its way to. She came down with T.B. and we thought she was getting better with the medication, and now she is worse and doctors have given her two weeks due to her age and strong medication they are using to control the infection in her lung.

I went to visit her today, and got her a picture frame with a healing prayer and picture of a religious sign, (they don't allow flowers due to pollen and respiratory illness) i got her the frame and the picture so she feels comforted and at home and grounded by her roots that she had grown up with and familiar.

It was a weary place to visit, something out of a science fiction movie and cold, sequence double door to enter the patient room, negative pressure sucking room air out, isolation from the outside; even the nurse wouldn't come into the room unless it was an emergency. You wear a shield head to toe mask and gloves, scrub before you go into the main room and scrub before you leave the second prep room.

I had a lump in my throat and my heart sank just seeing her through the double glass in the prep room, as she saw me and smiled and blow kisses at me, she was so happy to see her grandchild, and even thought she had no strength to open the wrapping paper I helped her open the frame for her, and she kissed it from her heart and asked to put it beside her bed. She was happy when we were leaving and in good mood.

I recall posting about some of my trigger points a while back, and how I started having sex to cover the sadness when my other grandparent passed away, and I feel that this could happen again if I lose my grandma. I keep going over it and shunning bad thoughts out of my head but reality is much harsher to face at this time.

I hope no one to suffer on their last days on earth, I ask for a simple healing prayer for my grandma if any one is reading this.

Over Heating

This week wasn't really a good week for me, starting with some vandalism to my car, someone scratched the hood of my car and drained the radiator fluid, (accessible from bottom of every car) I noticed water in front of my car when I returned from my run but it was getting dark and I thought someone watered the plants or washed the drive way.

But wasn't so, the engine over heated, steam came off the hood and i quickly pulled over in the highway going to work and I called home for someone to bring me some water, till I get to work, I kept replacing the water as it kept emptying itself out, as I didn't know you have to burp the radiator to get the air out and now the car is back to normal and I have replaced the melted parts since it over heated on the highway, but scratch on the hood I don't know who would do this or why?

The car over heating could have been worse, as i look at it in different angles, it could have jeopardized my life on the highway as i had to get out of the car on the busy rush hour highway, and open the hood to put water in the radiator or burned my self with hot steam coming from the engine while opening the hood, or if I didn't notice the signs of engine overheating i would have lost the car totally and would have been in a financial pinch to buy another car.

I had initial bad thoughts of who would have done this, and had some reasonable doubts and people in mind, and I don't know anyone else who would do this, as I have been sober for this long and no contact with anyone, I sought really hard for some excuse or over ride my thought of anyone holding vendetta with me.

I was initially angry of what was happening, and as it was out of my control I wanted to demand for some action by someone, I wanted to quickly jump to conclusions and yell and scream at any one who I found in correlation with the chain of events, but I took my time in finding myself again and solving the issue and count my blessing from not having this situation be bigger and much worse than it was.

I just want to be at peace with myself and as long as other people’s issues are not affecting mine or my sobriety, I am content at this stage.

Finding your snapping point and staying far from it, it is the best thing i did this last week, and you can do so while holding a sobriety and wanting to achieve peace in your inner self.
Not showing a reaction when provoked or not letting it get to you is hard, but its tolerances which gets stretched and compensates for the lack of patience you might have.
Forgiveness is a key element, when finding your self mad or intolerable over other people’s action, just forgive and forget it as its not a big deal to defend things while its beers on their ignorance or sense of their capacity.

Reflect on the quotes below on forgiveness and may you find peace and longer sobriety though them.



Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. ~Edna -St. Vincent Millay

“Be the change you want to see in the world.”
“Whenever you are confronted with an opponent. Conquer them with love.”
“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
~Mahatma Gandhi quote

“There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.”
~Bryant H. McGill quotes

An Angel

I started painting Angels as abstract earlier in my paintings, and sold a few of them, some documented some not, but in recent months I come to realize that I want to try building an angel! and since I was getting better in my welding skills and gained some knowledge of metals while making smaller pieces, I reved into higher gears and finished the angel that I blogged about last month.

It’s finished now and standing in the back yard, I have sprayed it with salt and other non toxic solution to start the oxidization process and now it’s fully red, and gets darker and lighter with rain and sunshine.

I have always been fascinated with angel, and the fact they feel no pain but they spread love and joy where they go, their hears are light to fly and yet filled with joy and happiness where they land.

We all need an angel to find love in and feel secure, bring sense of nourishment spiritually and physically, allot of times you find it as a life partner and other you will find that angel in oddest of all places, some angels are perfect and others with character defects, which you wont see at first but will love and be loved over other characteristics of that person, but when those character defects manifest them selves, you either choose to see the good or have the bad over compass every thing.

have you found your angel yet?

Here are some quotes on angels to reflect on



The golden moments in the stream of life rush past us and we see nothing but sand; the angels come to visit us, and we only know them when they are gone.
~George Elliot

Angels have no philosophy but love.
~Terri Guillemets

Angels are never too distant to hear you.
~Author Unknown

Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts, and as a kid i had stronger belief in angels.
~Author Unknown

Painting Anguish

I am a bit torn since yesterday, as I have started to sale the pieces of art that didn't sale at the gallery, I have no more room for my gallery sized pieces of art, and have posted to sale them for very cheap prices, I get chocked every time someone comes and picks them up and leaves.

I know they are worth more than that, but I can’t put more heart into it when it has gone un-appreciated for so long, I did what had to be done, by renting a good location and paying top dollar for everything, and making sure it’s not cheap. But with hype and buzz, nothing happened.

I have been contacted by my old art master that he has moved to west from Middle East and want to talk; I have been putting it off from talking to him as I feel that I let him down in some way by not being the artist he envisioned for me to be.

And when I talked to him yesterday he assured me that it will pick up it’s only been a few years that I'm painting and took him even longer than that to get to his 6digit annual income from being an artist.

He complimented me on my new pieces, and how far I have matured so far, and that they look very similar to his pieces even though I haven’t seen his work.

Life has its own trip you won’t see how far you can go without being part of its journey and embracing its swift winds and its gentle meadow, I’ve come to realize you can’t overwrite the past but you can make a better future from learning your past.

Now how was your past?



A light heart lives long.
-William Shakespeare

Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts.
-Charles Dickens

The notion that human life has greater value than any other form of life is both unjustifiable and arrogant.
-Wei Wu WeiSee More

Dreams.......

My last night dreams were odd and filled with people some family and friends and my Ex from last year, i do still think about his progress and how he is doing.

Some of my recent dreams have been all around these issues of family, friends and the Ex, i come to realize a pattern in my subconsciously as i am constantly watching what i do and say so i wont come across gay or break my sobriety.

I was watching a recent video that talked about family virtues and and lack of it in western civilization, it was true, i was brought up in a strict environment where every thing was not allowed, and now in western culture every thing goes and your a sore-thumb if you don't conform.

Hence some cultures in east fear this western civilization and want to eradicate their connection to the west as they don't want their kids become Britney Spears when they grow up.



Search others for their virtues, thyself for thy vices.
-Benjamin Franklin

Power of thought

I am in my 8th month now and from this 8 months i have been sober for 6.5 months of it, i have struggled on my contact barriers and so far i have kept a clean distance close to a week.

My grandma is getting older and she is pushing 90 now, with old age comes complication, recent weeks she has stooped eating and lost her appetite, and her cough got worse till yesterday when she had respiratory issues and was hospitalized for tuberculosis-TB,

its been stress full time for the family as we all standing by her and supporting her, while she is being negative about the whole situation and she want to go, and her health has deteriorated much more due to her negative thought training.

power of thought is huge and momentous, as it perceives the body and the soul, which connect through the thought, negative thoughts scars the soul and weaken the body, and positive thoughts inspire the soul and motivate the body to get there.

Have positive thoughts, as it prevails over the body and the mind, and keep positive thoughts and motivate your self to achieve more in life as your worth it.


The significant problems we face in life can not be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
- Albert Einstein

Thought creates character.
- Annie Besant

beauty steals inward.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

love is.......

I went running recently on a new path to just create a change and confuse my muscles, this road is filled with hills and steep bridges that it tests the endurance and creates more resistance while running creating more strength and cardio.

There was a graffiti written on the side walk, "Love is God and God is Love" it was quick and powerful, I’ve heard that before but it didn’t make sense till you find love and loose it and while in agony the only thing you have is god, and family, back to your roots of family system, to seek shelter and comfort.

I feel that with lack of sense of family in gay life I never found home, I have discussed this with my therapist and my family physician, who are both gay, they’re both responses have been similar and encouraged me to change my life style for the better as I have been always looking for them in wrong places and with the wrong people.

My sexual innuendo, started in the internet and starting to converse with people and then it graduated to meeting with them over coffee and then sex, then later on it degraded to just hook up and sex. I never found a family and moral routine in gay life, I quickly fell into the routines of other and adopted them in my own way, and by being online it was mostly scene for emotionally unavailable people or people who were already attached and in open relationships.

I understand now that my path was littered with obstacles and I didn’t want to look past it, and now that I am regaining my understanding and the fact that I have been looking for love in wrong places I am adjusting myself and removing my character defects to face life and love after my sobriety is mature enough to handle those situations.


God can heal a broken heart, but He has to have all the pieces.
~Author Unknown

What is the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you.
~Richard Wilbur