500 day of MASS

today is Valentines day and 500 days that I've known my ex

like the movie "500 days of summer" we had many wonder full moments and downs in the past 500 days, as much as i want to meet "fall" next but i am still in love with my ex and no matter how much i analyze the bad things he did or said, i cant seam to wipe the slate away.

i was too depressed today to go to the Sunday SLAA and watched many movies at home and baked cookies

i dint have much to say today, but i have been sex free still for 7 weeks now
i wish this moment of true sobriety would have come before i attempted to mend my relation ship. i said i was but never acted on it, and tested my values before bonded.

"keep coming back"

Fire

Fire

i am here with matches and gasoline
i am alone and fire is after me

lonely without you as i cant breathe
cant stop thinking we were in a master peace

watching it burning blue and yellow
i have no warmth in my heart without you

as i made a deal with matches to leave
that's no deal if you are to leave

where this is headed i fear i have no break
& 'm scared that ill never see your face

this doesn't have to be
as this is tragedy



i came across an interesting article about sex and eating disorder. which indicated the pleasure center and food taste centers are in same zone inside out brain.

and in some people this centers are mixed and they over register by eating or vice-versa.

i know that not me as sometimes i don't get even hungry for food i am busy with work or sports, or even at home watching an exciting movie.

i though i would mention it if any one thought about this as source of their addiction.

valentines is coming up and i know it will be 500th day to the day that i known him and only have spend less than 100 days with him but i cant control my heart aching and the fact i wont be with him.

but for me at times these hardship fuel my motivation that much to get better and stick to my one year process of recovery, as last year i didn't do any of it in the face value, i was there in classes and meeting but not in spirit.

i was seeing people here and there, which was unhealthy but i just saw it as, casual sex that wouldn't be harmful.

its been 6 weeks in my process of sex free life
and there has been no threat to my bottom line this week
i have not contacted any one and no sex with any one

spring flower

Spring flower


Flower, flower, flower
lower your stem so i can see

see your soul, and your heart
smell your scent and feel you

tent beside you and adore you
care for you and cress you

guide you and guard you
protect you and adorn you

oh flower where are you
wont you tell me when you'll bloom



i am entering my 6th week in my abstention from sex with others

this past week was filled with a lot of tests, but i managed to avoid then and change the situation, and put my mental instincts into action and avoid the situation at all cost.

first situation occur ed last week when i got a text message from a old acquaintance, who wanted to meet up after a long time, i text'ed back quickly that i cant but if you wan to meet up to talk about the hard ideals that you've gone through i am here,
that really didn't work as the person turned around and said what they had in mind was to have sex, which at first triggered me and my though dashes quickly miles a minute

i though about what if i go through with it, and i can start fresh, or what if i reduce my abstention down to 6 weeks and go through with it. i have managed to not reply to the text message and still in my sobriety

sometimes i want to go change my number again like how i changed it last time, to run from my past and create a new identity. It didn't work last time i was quickly back to what i was doing and contacting new people, in some ways i stopped giving my new number out but that just one reasoning, but not a good excuse to it at all.

second one was at the gym, i was objectified by a person in the shower area, he started to curse me and after i looked at him twice he got the gist that i noticed him and he elevated to touching him self, and that's when i left the shower area and removed my self from the situation. i felt weird for doing so, i was getting aroused but at the same time i felt bad if i started to reciprocate his inappropriate gestures

i am glad these treats didn't test me to level of breaking my sobriety of 5 weeks.

i will continue to be vigilant on my contact levels with people from the past and will deny seeing them even on friends basis, as they are not friend if they only contact for sexual contact. i guess i do have a lot to learn even in my adult years.

i am still without any sexual contact for almost 6 weeks now and i feel depressed still and do masturbate, most of depression comes from thinking of the past and specially my Ex.

"keep coming back

Strong to get through

i don't have a poem today, but have had a lot of thoughts in my head lately some good and some bad.

mostly they are of the past which i cant change any more, but i do want to recall them and bring them to account as some of them are really bad action which needs to be de-rooted from my character defects and some are good which i have to strengthen them and some like truthfulness, make them the foundation of my social fabric.

i have admitted that i am a sexual addict and have committed my self to one year of no sexual interaction, i do masturbate, and i am trying to reduce the amount of porn i use to stimulate my self, i still have not masturbated without porn, i cant seam to do it without visual comfort of what i seek in a partner for sex, eg: muscular and physique specially endowment.

i am going to my regular Tuesday SLAA classes as i find it home and comforting, and will attempt to go to the Sunday afternoon classes when i am too hungry and lonely to have human interaction.

i have been sex free for now and find it easy on day to day basis but when i look at the long road a head i feel like i am gonna go out of line.

one thing bothered me when i looked back was the fact i lied about being cured of sex to get back with some one who meant a lot to me, he believed me, and i was apparent on the day we broke up, i saw him choke up and say " why cant you see us together"

for that i am sorry that i couldn't see past that day and wanted validation.

"keep coming back"

Feeling Homeless

Homeless

I yelled and shouted
But only in my head

I clawed and crawled
But only in my thoughts

I loved and kissed
Only in my fantasy

I moved in with you
But only in my words

Actions fell short of any
When push came to shove

I was an addict in recovery
That though it saw the end of addiction

End of tunnel! But wasn’t that light,
Course of relapse has its name

I am homeless in my heart
Relapse no more; won’t you give me an arm?



It’s been 5 weeks, and today I went and joined another SLAA group downtown.
It was different and I though perhaps I could connect with people who are in the same boat and situation, but it was cold on the first session, not too many attended. I talked about my ordeal and what has helped me so far as some people had real ordeals with theirs and someone was specifically asking for help. This person was afraid of being alone, and I could since it in their tone of voice and understand them.

you can’t talk back in SLAA there for I reached out in the consultation session by instating what has helped me so far, by going through the class having this Blog to write down my thoughts and be honest with yourself. Also did mention about creating bottom lines and sticking to them perhaps having a therapist helps as well.

Today I found myself alone and wanted to act out, and I was downtown I would be easier but I quickly left the class and drove home and watched a movies and Grammies
And I am still active in my own spiritual community and have taken up more role as before I had given up fearing that it might be too much for me.

5 weeks now that I am sex free and I have not contacted any one for sex I have masturbated and abstained from physical contact with others.

"Keep coming back"

One month Chip

One month

This month is number one
Two months without you next to none

I strive with every step forward
But shake with glimpse of the past

I am hunted day by day, image by image
Of what I was doing to you

I try not to call or call you at all
I feel as I am sentenced to death

Kick that tripod let this hang me loose
Don’t execute any plan I fear I am dead


It’s one month of superiority and got my chip, its yellow, Color of health and serenity.

I don’t have much to blog, I am a bit depressed and cold, fear of life time of loneliness and staggered thoughts that haunt me.

I have not contacted any one, and have not had sex for over a month now.
I have masturbated and checked porn on line and read through wanted ads to masturbate

Also I signed up for another 4 runs this year leading up to a half marathon in the fall. Wish me luck

“Keep coming back"

No needs

No Needs

No needs, No Deeds

I am thorn, but not born

I am stricken, but not weakened

I am sad, but not mad

I am in therapy, but not in misery

I am in a group, but it’s not a troop

I feel lonely, but not phony

I crave attention, but don’t need detention



today I cleaned up the car and I came across little remains from the Christmas tree that I bought for him, I got weak and felt alone for the moment, I saw myself slip a bit and got emotional over it and wanted to cry, I pulled myself together and marched through it.

Last night I really wanted to see him in my dreams, as they feel so real, and because I miss him so much but there was nothing that I remembered by the time I woke up, sometimes I smell him in the air but he is not really not there.

I have signed up for another series of 4 runs this year again, this would be my 3rd half marathon, 16 km, 10km and 8km run that is monitored. they keep me busy and feel like I achieve something through them, (or is it the fact that I want to run away from my own life) not sure but running feels good I feel free when I am alone and the road is long as the eye can see.

I will be going to my SLAA class tonight, I have not objectified any one and have not had sex either, I have masturbated and cruised through adds online and found some adds to get me off.

Deja vu

I am seeing Deja Vu

Everywhere I look and every where I turn
I see his eyes, turning right at me

His hand is missing with every turn in bed
Feeling sad and lost in all this sand

Every grain that falls in sand clock
Where do I turn as I feel in a lock?

I see him speed walk and talk
As I try to only catch up

Every time I see his car
A butter fly forms in my car

It’s not him driving but only someone else
I don't dare to wonder where he is now

I can’t wait till I fall a sleep
Since I see him even in my dreams

Dreams that seem so real
I don't want to wake up

Now I'm trying to fall a sleep
But in my dreams, where do I begin



i had such a bad weekend, i feel crummy and so cold, isolated and alienated.
cant do this without love, or is it my addiction talking?
i did every thing possible to not act out, i baked two batches of cookies, i burnt the first one, i made my famous(only at home) chocolate souffle they turned out great.
went to the gym almost every day, i watched numerous blockbuster movies and stayed home.

there was no immediate threat to my soberness, its now officially a month that i have been sex free and not contacting any one for it.

but i have to be honest that i had sex with my ex in my dream, i see him once in a while as some one who is passing by me or just stoking my head,

sometimes i see him driving his car but when i look its not him, its just the same model car, but i pretend its him driving next to me home and ill see him at the dinner table

but i have to recognize that i am a sex addict

"keep coming back"

Breaking the Shackles

after my last posting I realized that it’s been only 3 weeks and not a month yet, never the less I did go to SLAA class and announced my 3 weeks abstention from sex with any one and no contact of any sort, and I plan to keep it that way for now and taking it one day at a time.

Yesterday I had my regular session with my Dr. I told him the truth that in the past I had lied about my past, in order to accept the fact I was relapsing or my competitive side, and how I fell into my addiction

Started talking about how so far it’s been easy but that I am an afraid of relapsing again.

Then I talked about my competitive side, I just want to over achieve and sometimes miss my target by not falling short just by not seeing it and passing it.

I am competitive about how my career is going and want to course correct it and my life but sometimes I feel like its too late now.

I said I have been sex free for 3 weeks and I have not emailed any one for sex or called any one, I also did mention that I read postings online and masturbated to the stories of what people want or their fantasy of what they are looking for and watch regular porn.

we talked about my current gained credential and more certifications that I am going through and exams and reports that are coming up, which are a bit stress full but are keeping me busy for now.

I was a shamed to say allot of this but I felt released from my toxic bonds of lies.

I know honestly is not easy, but its far more rewarding that the lie.

"Keep coming back"

Second Month Without Him

I know I’ve said this that I won’t ponder about him any longer, but couldn't help it over this past weekend, I felt alone I stayed in bed till past noon and went to the gym for two hours of physically draining myself and I’ve been in a lot of muscular pain this weekend and today because of it. (No pain no gain)

I didn't feel like acting out this past two weeks, perhaps it’s the medication of anti depressant that is working, but the last pill I was on, was not working that well and I failed to monitor myself and tell the truth to my Dr. as well as people around me.

But with the new drug I am making better strides.
I had a question this week from a reader, that how long do you think I will be fighting with this, I don’t know if your reading this but I plan to be put myself in a good healthy routine, and with it is till be back to normal and I can introduce a healthy sex life back into my life.

but at most times I feel like a sleeping pit-bull with the drugs and the no sex life, and soon it will wake up and doesn’t matter how big the chain, I will break it and cause harm to someone.

vie had very abnormal sleeping patterns, I sleep really late now, and just thinking, and not being able to turn things off, tossing and turning in bed till 1 or 2 am sometimes.

And my dreams are not happy both they are violent, and things that I can’t make out, it could be from the prescription or the fact that I go to be thinking.

I plan to go to my SLAA class tomorrow and announce the 3 weeks of celibacy.

"Keep coming back"