Love or Poison

I've had a good week, besides some withdrawal tantrums.
I went to the SLAA class yesterday, and there was a huge turnout of about 22 to 25 people. We shared our struggles and I was honest about my fact that I've been sober for 5 months and 3 weeks but I am finding it hard to stay away from internet wanted ads and pornography.
going into class I had the questions of being the cross road and wanting to go back to old relationship with my Ex and as well as continuing my sobriety, it was almost God sent by being in the class, as the reading for the week was about companionship and relationships.

This reading from the SLAA book on sex addiction, it highlights crisis in doubts when revisiting old relationships, and how being under scrutiny is not easy without having the support of the partner and acceptance of the fact you’re a SEX ADDICT in therapy, like a cancer patient going through radiation therapy, some days will be harder than others and some days will be worse. I can attest to this as I went back and revisited old relationship and started a new one in the middle which both didn’t work out, because of sex addiction undertone in the relationship which created a big mistrust and doubt in partners, which in return I was under a lot of stress for me.

I chose this posting on "Love or Poison" because of my therapist meeting this morning, it was apparent on my agenda that I wanted to come out to my family, I have tried telling them that I am gay after years of experimentation and knowing I am truly gay and I will only be happy being gay.
I have told my mother in 2008, when she asked me what’s going on with me and if I wanted to tell her anything. (I thought mothers know for sure) and I wanted to create some sort of a basis to introduce my Ex to her and my dad if she told him that is.

But it didn’t go according to plan or the way I was hopping, she refused to believe it and said that I haven’t tried my best to change and she continued to blame it on herself for miss upbringing.

My mom cried for days I would find her in her huge walk in closet or in bathroom and shower with door closed and water running while crying so my dad wouldn’t find out. I was devastated and told her that I didn’t choose to tell you, you should have prepared yourself when you asked me? And if you weren’t ready why did you ask?

Today the therapist made me feel comfortable and assured that my action was the right action to take and to tell her the truth was the best mode of action versus lying and devastating her even worse later on. Therapist also mentioned about the guilt factor I am feeling that it was perhaps my mother’s way of disapproval and detrainment from my course of my sexual freedom.

I still have on my agenda to come out of the closet to my family in the next 6 month and since I know my mother knows and she had death with her problems over this, it would be supporting to have her on my side when I tell my dad and perhaps my siblings, as much as I know that they all know and are waiting to hear it from my lips.

Be true and honest to yourself and if it takes to discover your true sexual freedom and expression in open, don’t be settle about it and create confidence as only by hiding it oppression and dark clouds will gather over you.

spring flower

Spring flower


Flower, flower, flower
lower your stem so i can see

see your soul, and your heart
smell your scent and feel you

tent beside you and adore you
care for you and cress you

guide you and guard you
protect you and adorn you

oh flower where are you
wont you tell me when you'll bloom



i am entering my 6th week in my abstention from sex with others

this past week was filled with a lot of tests, but i managed to avoid then and change the situation, and put my mental instincts into action and avoid the situation at all cost.

first situation occur ed last week when i got a text message from a old acquaintance, who wanted to meet up after a long time, i text'ed back quickly that i cant but if you wan to meet up to talk about the hard ideals that you've gone through i am here,
that really didn't work as the person turned around and said what they had in mind was to have sex, which at first triggered me and my though dashes quickly miles a minute

i though about what if i go through with it, and i can start fresh, or what if i reduce my abstention down to 6 weeks and go through with it. i have managed to not reply to the text message and still in my sobriety

sometimes i want to go change my number again like how i changed it last time, to run from my past and create a new identity. It didn't work last time i was quickly back to what i was doing and contacting new people, in some ways i stopped giving my new number out but that just one reasoning, but not a good excuse to it at all.

second one was at the gym, i was objectified by a person in the shower area, he started to curse me and after i looked at him twice he got the gist that i noticed him and he elevated to touching him self, and that's when i left the shower area and removed my self from the situation. i felt weird for doing so, i was getting aroused but at the same time i felt bad if i started to reciprocate his inappropriate gestures

i am glad these treats didn't test me to level of breaking my sobriety of 5 weeks.

i will continue to be vigilant on my contact levels with people from the past and will deny seeing them even on friends basis, as they are not friend if they only contact for sexual contact. i guess i do have a lot to learn even in my adult years.

i am still without any sexual contact for almost 6 weeks now and i feel depressed still and do masturbate, most of depression comes from thinking of the past and specially my Ex.

"keep coming back

Long Road to Recovery

So it’s been 3 weeks for me now and as the goal a head is far, again i look in SLAA tip "take One day at a time" where i count one day’s action and try to get through that day.

my masturbation has reduced allot and i have gotten back into being fit at the gym, with this i have come across a few challenges at the gym, with good looking people and physically tempting bodies, with these challenges which i am most drawn to, i tend to go late when its less crowded and mostly order less attractive people are there.

It’s all about avoiding the trigger points, i know what mine are by now and keep discovering some when the points arise and i have been pushed to wanting to act out. A best technique is to remove yourself form the situation, step back and analyze it, how did you end up there, and why did you act out.

Lately since i have introduced masturbation, i want to go and be active physically at a bathhouse or porn theater but so far i have avoided them all together for 3 weeks.
I am not contacting anyone who i have wronged and eliminating the trigger points one by one.

As the recovery road it long but your health and mental well being is paramount as well, when you get a tight grasp on the addiction your life will be much better and you can slowly get back into regular routines, but again keeping your bottom lines in check and not going back to your old routines and sexual urges.

"Keep coming back"

Routine in Addiction

Sex addiction is as easy as a routine in life, which needs to be found and routed from its basis; this method of addiction is visible to everyone else but can be formed as social dominance or high sex drive by 3rd party.

Since sex is mostly practiced behind closed doors no one can really determine if you’re an addict or was it an emotional and loving demonstration of affection, only the party involved can determine that judgment.

A sex addict sees sex as a portal or a vhichle to express or find self gratification; this can be anonymously through masturbation routine or physically through a sex routine.

Each routine is different pairing to the physical and mental capacity or need, each of these routines would start with subtle actions and evolve during the course of some one’s life.

Each sexual act committed releases endorphins in the brain creating a moment of happiness which lasts only few hours. These endorphins are also known as "natural pain killer" in medical terminology.

Similar to prescription painkillers a sex addict would similarly be hooked on these endorphin releases and would commit the sexual act in order to kill emotional or physical pain induced by life or social life.

One downside to the Endorphin release, our brain evolves and demands more action and stimulation in order to release the endorphins, thus creating a catch22 with the body. Meaning the person has to increase the sexual activity duration or heightening to register in the brain.

These can evolve to hours of masturbation to self educing pain to obtain pleasure.

In each extreme, patients have clinically adapted to the situation without themselves knowing, it appears normal and kosher to do it as they see the end reward by endorphin.

Keeping a clean routine with low to no sexual activity is highly recommended for sex addicts; they slowly are introduced to masturbation and given pills if they can’t obtain from sex before the re-equalization.

The sex addicts are cured but it’s a lifelong of watching and keeping to routines and counting your action and monitoring yourself in order to eliminate slipping and relapses.

So far in my routine I have been sex free and I have masturbated only at my own presence only and have not given to the sexual tendencies and fantasies that sometimes come over me.

"Keep coming back"

Happiness seems to be Loneliness

After my last post I thought about how depressed I have been and at the same time with no communication from any one I have been in some ways leveling off with myself that I am no longer continuing to hurt any ones feeling.

the 6 months of no dating and no sex seems to be off to a good start, but there are times that I think about "what if's" of the past and what I should have done in my situation and have divulged in my moment, the best way I can get that though out of my head is to think of work, family or thought that that moment never existed and what I am thinking is not what actually occurred it was just me romanticizing the moment larger than it occurred or self mutilating myself beyond capacity.

for now I am okay, there are thoughts of acting out and meeting someone, with masturbation and self indulgence eg, good meal, shower, or gift to myself and splurging I have kept a clean record for two weeks now.

Don’t forget that it is one day at a time effort and by taking it one day at a time it doesn’t look so cumbersome, as the big image of 6 months can be.

So find your commitment and stick to it, discuss it with your partner and lover about your weakness and or addictions, it helps when there is a support behind you.

"Keep coming back"

"Nympho" sells

Nympho is the commonly used lingo to describe an urge of wanting sex in the society, it is commonly acceptable and considered "HOT" or "IN" lingo.

It’s even appears in songs such as "Move your body around like a Nympho" and in Wanted ads description describing some ones sexual appetite.

it is misused, as Nympho is short for Nymphomania which is a term highlighting disorder for sexual addiction, but today its commonly misused for describing heightened sexual appetite and sexually active!!!

There are two major causes of Nymphomania (sexual addiction) according to The American Psychiatric Association

1- Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)
2- Manic-depression

These two can be scientifically linked to sexual addiction and SLAA, but in some rare cases it found that other disorders can cause sexual depredation and addiction as well.


Wikipedia's definition of OCD & Manic Depression

Obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce anxiety, by repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing anxiety, or by combinations of such thoughts (obsessions) and behaviors (compulsions). The symptoms of this anxiety disorder range from repetitive hand-washing and extensive hoarding to preoccupation with sexual, religious, or aggressive impulses. These symptoms can be alienating and time-consuming, and often cause severe emotional and economic loss. Although the acts of those who have OCD may appear paranoid and come across to others as psychotic, OCD sufferers often recognize their thoughts and subsequent actions as irrational, and they may become further distressed by this realization.

Manic–depressive disorder is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated mood clinically referred to as mania or, if milder, hypomania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes or symptoms, or mixed episodes in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time. These episodes are usually separated by periods of "normal" mood, but in some individuals, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, known as rapid cycling. Extreme manic episodes can sometimes lead to psychotic symptoms such as delusions and hallucinations. The disorder has been subdivided into bipolar I, bipolar II, cyclothymiacs, and other types, based on the nature and severity of mood episodes experienced; the range is often described as the bipolar spectrum.


In my journey
In my experience of sexual addiction, after these readings I would classify myself under the depression due to a sad finding in late 2007.

In which my world was rocked my compass no longer pointed north and I was lost in the sad news, that I couldn’t find myself and sought a sexual path which was casual sex dates and anonymous meetings for sex.

I hope my life lesson becomes an example for others to not have casual sex and also if they find themselves in depression to seek a professional medical help.

Currently I am on a path of 6 months celibacy and I have been good so far, and I take it one day at a time.

"Keep coming back"

Social Crutches

These social crutches are mostly go unseen and are invisible as it has been women into our fabric of society and it seems very normal to get involved in them recreationally and not to notice when your fully have become an addict to.

Drinking
Most people that I have observed in social gatherings, they are very shy and depend on alcohol to break the social ice and open up to the social atmosphere, and for them to enjoy company or let loose.

Some use alcohol to hide their real self and brings out their happy side out for social event, it basically masks the truth till further day.

Others abuse alcohol to subdue the anger and anguish inside them, so they won’t feel the pain or bring them to a happy state where the bigger issues don’t matter, and they stay at this state as long as the bigger problem is gone

Smoking
it’s no longer a cheap habit to smoke, it now its cost as much as a good breakfast or lunch to be smoking, with packet prices reaching 11$ and some smokers puffing two packs away.

Smokers can be classified in a few categories, second hand smoke, social smoker, regular smoker and addict smoker.

-Second Hand Smoke:
They breathe a second hand air in a room or gathering mostly from their spouse or loved one, because they tolerate them or can’t bring themselves to remove them from the situation, with all the research and facts about second hand smoking we might still never know why they do it

-Social Smoker:
Only smokes when they are peer pressured or when it is available to smoke in a gathering or crowed, mostly because they feel missed our or are bullied to smoke socially or fear of being outcast.

-Regular Smoker
they smoke 5 to 10 a day or more to bring their nicotine levels back to the regular state, these group can refrain from smoking if there needs to be, and won’t go out of their way to get their quick nicotine fixes, they have just become custom to a routine which they find themselves hard to get out of

-Addict Smoker
These groups of smokers smoke excessive amount and puff out more than a pack a day.
They can’t seem to find a happy medium, mostly cussed from stress of work social and life style. They will create a hazardous environment to live for themselves loved ones and their pets and plants.
They find every way possible to get their fixes of nicotine in middle of meals to middle of movies and so on.
When confronted with their addiction they become hostile and defensive of their habits, very similar to the extremes in Alcohol addicts, sex addicts and drug addicts.

Drugs
Same way as classified for smokers, drug users fall in casual and leisure to addict life style in drug usage.
These crowed once used drugs as modes of social and sexual heightening to extremes of refuge and where they find drugs as shelter and form of expression.
With intervention these users can seek rehab courses and body cleansing find rehabilitation of living life dug free, it’s usually a long journey but worth traveling for better life style and healthy mind and body.


sex
Sexual addiction where I have a bit more experience with is the toughest issue even for me to crack.

as they say, "the darkest point of guiding light is right underneath it" so it with sex addiction as it goes undetected for a long time till the sexual addict is questioned or caught by whom they are close to.

in our modern North American life style sex is a huge driving factor and it is acceptable to be sexually perverse, heightened or acceptable, but sex is always a find line where it is never distinguished and seems a lot of people in our society are abusing sex and it is being used for allot of validation in life.

Sex feels good and gives a man or a woman a gratification of being wanted and loved, especially when performed with someone who are partnered or in communion with.

Some fall into a routine of sex life style which then becomes shallow and has to be performed almost daily to find a gratification or a fake love which is shallow in it and never lasting.

Sexual addiction is hard to point out and even harder to reveal to loved ones, most sex addicts are healthy range between 16 and 60 they are of healthy health and male and female.

There is cure for sexual addiction, cures range from seeing a group of counseling such as a group SLAA (sex and love Addiction anonymous) which have a 12 step process approach for sex addiction.

There group with regular psychiatrist meeting can keep your addiction in check, and if does get worse there are pills and other methods which your psychiatrist can divulge when you’re in the course of your personal recovery.

Some of these might not be triggering point for everyone but for me for instance sex is something I have an issue with, obstacles that I have on my path are at most not understood by everyone and can’t be divulged except dealt with so as in all addiction I can have a healthy mind and body to live happily

Currently my bottom lies are in tact i have not meet any one for sex, and have not looked for hookup online, but i have gratified my self with online videos and pictures but masturbation is not on my bottom lines, as i i don't see it as a threat to my sorority.

“Keep coming back”

History of Addiction

History of sex addiction is long and been told through history with metaphors and symbolism

I had a big though about this and came to the conclusion that based on the most ancient story of Adam and Eve there lies a simile between addiction and acting out.
Adam had a bite of the forbidden fruit and with that today our society is based on sex which in the most holy books, it’s only shared between two united couple who are under marriage.

We have diluted this theory with dates, casual sex and flings, now there no longer lays a magic in seeing where love can lead a relationship, except how the sex was.

I know this first hand because my EX kept telling me that he fell in for me through the great sex we had meanwhile for me it was much deeper, it was through the actions and things he said.

I don’t think anyone could understand this but for me sex is just a portal of finding quick happiness and fill in voids in my life relating to self image and confidence,

Sex never replaced love for me and I was always looking for that one that will sweep me off my feet.

I hope in 2010 you find happiness and distinguish the difference between your sex or love addiction, and how it pertains to your life, and seek the most appropriate method of dealing with the situation and compel yourself through the process for change and betterment of your life.

Currently my bottom lies are in tact and not seeking any gratification.

"keep coming back"

Recognizing Sex addiction

Realizing the truth about your sexual and love addiction is the first step towards recovery, this at times takes years to establish and get to know your true self identity.

It will harm everyone who loves you and cares for you, they will talk with you and point out your wrong doings, and even stage an intervention that might take several times to accept.

Last thing about recognizing the sex addiction is that there will be relapses and there is no magic pill in the road to recovery.

My experience has been long, I have noticed these trends after summer of 2007 and wanted to change my ways, I didn’t know where to start and how to overcome them, I originally thought that when I find someone I will stop my ways and settle down.

The speed dating and anonymous activities continued till 2008 when I meet someone who really meant a lot to me, but at this stage I was so deep in my own lies and deep in my addiction that I couldn’t commit, and was willing to let go of the relationship.

After the relationship was over I was devastated and enrolled myself into SLAA classes “sex and love Addiction Anonymous” http://www.slaa-ontario.org/.

I went to these classes for almost 6 months; through this course I was tough a lot about actions and how to monitor myself, also tools to combat the addiction, also seeing a therapist twice a month as well it helped with talking about my situation and keeping me in check

I truly believed I was cured and called my EX to get back together, I was afraid I might slip and put myself on anti depressant medication that reduce my sex drive, but with all of these I slipped again in fall of 2009 and relationship was over, I relapsed and with the intervention that was done I went into depression and fearing loneliness I attempted to act out but couldn’t bring myself to go through them most of the time.

I’ve attempted to reach out to my EX, and I know I have hurt him a lot in the past year and he is human and deserves better than this.

My road of recovery from today onwards will consist of going back to the basics of SLAA and the therapist and continuing my medication of anti depressants,

My name is ….. and I am a sex and love addict, my bottom lines are seeking sex only in a committed relationship and not going through wanted ads and cruising online. And I have two days on my abstentions
.

Little bit about SLAA
The group goes through the twelve characteristics of sex addiction and twelve steps of recovery as listed below.

The Twelve Characteristics of Sex & Love Addicts
1. Having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved with and/or emotionally attached to people without knowing them.
2. Fearing abandonment and loneliness, we stay in and return to painful, destructive relationships, concealing our dependency needs from ourselves and others, growing more isolated and alienated from friends and loved ones, ourselves and God.
3. Fearing emotional and/or sexual deprivation, we compulsively pursue and involve ourselves in one relationship after another, sometimes having more than one sexual or emotional liaison at a time.
4. We confuse love with neediness, physical and sexual attraction, pity and/or the need to rescue or be rescued.
5. We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone. Even though we fear intimacy and commitment, we continually search for relationships and sexual contacts.
6. We sexualize stress, guilt, loneliness, anger, fear and envy. We use sex or emotional dependence as substitutes for nurturing, care and support.
7. We use sex and emotional involvement to manipulate and control others.
8. We become immobilized or seriously distracted by romantic or sexual obsessions or fantasies.
9. We avoid responsibility for ourselves by attaching ourselves to people who are emotionally unavailable.
10. We stay enslaved to emotional dependency, romantic intrigue, or compulsive sexual activities.
11. To avoid feeling vulnerable, we may retreat from all intimate involvement, mistaking sexual and emotional anorexia for recovery.
12. We assign magical qualities to others. We idealize and pursue them, then blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and expectations.

The Twelve Steps of SLAA
1. We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood God.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take a personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a power greater than ourselves, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to sex and love addicts, and to practice these principles in all areas of our lives.

There are many tools and methods available from the group as well, such as peer help, weekly meetings, books and pamphlets.
I suggest this for anyone who is recognizing the signs of addiction and is willing to break the chain of repetition and addiction.
I hope this blog helps you with my experience as well as the group help
Have a great start of 2010 perhaps you as a reader will make removal of sex addiction one of your New Year resolutions.
“Keep coming back”

Getting a hold on

Getting hold on the addiction is tough, and hard to see where your slipping.

the best suggestion i can give is to monitor your actions daily and hold them accountable by taking inventory of what is wrong and right, it also helps if you have bottom lines, eg: no sex out side of a committed relationship or no masturbation.

i have had no desire this past day to do anything, my anguish comes from missing my Ex so much. i posted couple of adds in regards to addiction and how it has affected me and telling people to get help and go to SLAA website, it was mostly quickly flagged and removed after couple of hours, but i like to believe that some one read it and make a change to their life style.

i will keep posting those adds asking them to get help.

watching a movie yesterday called "Accidental Husband" the Dr. in the movie hit the nail on my situation about serial dating till i found the right one, but by the time i found the right one in my situation i was to enamoured to act on it and get my self together to be committed, i did everything in my power through participating but couldn't commit and felt construed and missing something.

i hope you get to find it and keep it

"keep coming back"

Waited for him.... but

yesterday i was at the gallery all day and send him one email that i will be there if he wants to come by, but didn't hear back, and finally spoke my heart and send him a message that "i miss him terribly". but still no response.

i was devastated and broken, felt lonely and unwanted, i acted out sadly to feel something, and someones touch.

it was wrong to do it, but felt right at the moment of my devastation. it hurts inside and i cant just turn it off no matter what i do and try to achieve i feel as if i fall short of my goals and something hindering me to give it my all.

none of my bottom lines are in tact they are constantly under attack from every direction with my slow self steam in respect to relationship and love and my addiction with sex that always has me wanting more.

i though i am cured every once in a while for period of couple of month and again it comes back and i do what i used to do.

why is the relapse is hard to see, and by the time it caught your already waist deep back into the whole mess.

"keep coming back"

The Beast Taking over me

I acted out yesterday after so long and it didn't not feel good. I felt that he is gone for ever now and i wont have him back ever again. Lonely at last and just me and my memories of him.

i want to write him an email again but i know he wont respond and he will just curse me more and physiologically pressure me by putting me in a bad place.

at times those words just re-verb in my head and get me sad and depressed, i never cursed him or physiologically degrade him but i think through my actions of relapse and straying from the relation ship i did cause him hurt.

i am sorry for every thing, i just cant control my urges some times, and feel like a pit-bull in chain which always gets heavy around my neck when i am in a relationship, and just want to break the chain that much easier.

Being enamored and loved is something i want in a relationship, and i felt i was never loved in that relationship, and through his actions which were too subtle i couldn't translate much, but i knew he doubted me and his friends doubted me as well from my past actions and even my last chance didn't feel like a chance it felt like i was bugged and was being watched to see when i will relapse.

i don't want to act out currently but being single is not an easy task for me and i fill my voids with sex and fake happiness for now.

i want to break out of this chain but i have no energy and have thrown the towel in the rink for now.

"keep coming back"

exhibition opening

yesterday i had my exhibition opening, there was at least 50 people in attendance and at one moment you couldnt get accross the room since it was so packed.

i had close friends and some previous collectors attend among family and close relatives. i liked hearing their feeling that were invoked by the pieces and how it related to their lives through their interpertaion.

during the exhibition i was waiting for my Ex. to come throught the door and pretend this past year has never happned and just be there by his presense, of course it never happned even though i invited him on my emails.

i wore his watch as a fragment for his presence by my side, i do love him so much that i dont know why i cruise online to gratify my urges.

is he lacking on giving me? or is it because i was not truthfull from the start?

i am at loss of words for today, i just wish there was a way to remove my character faults and start over with him with a "hi" and forget the past year.

can some one ever get a 4th chance at love?

"keep coming back"

ps: on my drive to work i realized that yesterday i got soo many calls from friends regarding the opening, that the EX's name is gone from incoming call list and it was one month from the day he last called me by accindent.

setting up

today i was setting up for the exhibition.

i relied on a friend who calls on me always for rides or to help him out for his job and even being a side kick on the shows he does.

Anyways but to make the story short he didn't come through, and i was left scrambling to find a person to help me out with the loading the truck and unloading.

finally i ask my parents and surely the dropped everything to help me, it was nice to realize that family is always there when you need them and friends can only pass the test of time to become true friends.

in the addiction front, i didn't feel or have any desire to act out or go cruising online, i was busy with the installation and part of me was already gratification by what people were saying about the installation as it was progressing.

but there was a moment when i sat in one chair and looked back on my arrangements on the floor i had a flash back of the coffee i had in that place two months before, and how helpful he was and supportive though the process, and he remembered that i like non dairy late. i don't know why i romanticized my self with this thought, when he is gone!!!!, but the only memories i have is the good ones, i rarely keep any bad memories of any one specially to go back and micro analyze it like this.

my therapist was right, that through building trust with your self and finding other ways to reassure your self that you are loved and desired specially inward love that is the power to a healthy well being

so do you love your self to begin and start loving other?

"keep coming back"

last phone call

dear fellow bloggers

i spoke today with my EX for the first time after we broke off last month,

it didn't go well, after sending him two emails begging him to give me a 4th chance and i will give him a bond, to show im serious, he called me tons of names and i was in tears and he hung up on me.

i feel very alone now close to the holidays, even though with loneliness i usually act out, i cant i am very depressed and sad about it all, and disappointed in my self for the way things turned out and how i let it get out of hand.

i have a huge issue as well with the truth, i cant say it, no matter how much i plan for it, with a nice dinner or a walk, i just cant bring my self into saying it. it probably the good side of me thinking that i have been given a credit why should i go and ruin my image, or the fact that that person has a good perception of what they know about me and i cant change it.

either way, i have paid a huge cost with truth and realizing this is way too late for anything but i know that if i don't bond with my truth side in a relationship it would be hard for me to find some.

yesterday i started talking about gratification, and what it means to me, in general form, by getting approved for a hookup or a sex, i feel that sometimes i am still hot enough or still can get some one else who is hot, or some one who is not available eg, married or attached person, who would be interested in me.

makes me feel that that person thinks im hot enough that they are willing to take a chance with me and risk their relationship for my physical attraction, and that gets me off, most times its just virtual and never goes further, beyond the keyboards.

its hard to escape it and get over this addiction for me because, no matter what i do i am always looking over my shoulder to see who is thinking im hot, and who is hot that would compliment or stroke my ego.

i sought a deeper help about this with my therapist and he mentioned to increase my own self contentment and self empowerment, i took running as a hobby and have ran quite long distances competitively and leisurely, i picked up Italian because my ex was Italian and wanted to be able to say a few words in Italian when i meet his parents, i have been doing art and was encouraged to have an exhibition, i finally am and this place is opening up soon, hope it helps my own love towards my self, and increases my own self confidence.

"Keep coming back"

Obstacles in my path

I left off yesterday with obstacles that sexual addicts face on their road to sorority.

My experience has been an uphill battle that I am still climbing, so I don’t see my points being a guiding light to those who are suffering but just a warning sign and tracker.

Now that I look back I have been an addict since I became sexually active at 17 just a month left to my 18th birthday, I was looking for someone to date and was looking for it in sex and cruising sites, and I started to get burned by others telling me I’m not their type or would cheat on me over and over.

This trend continued till I realized that every gay man is looking for just sex and nothing more, and since I was not out I only saw single guys or guys who are in open relationships, I became sensitized that there is no monogamous relationship and everyone is just hooking up with others.

to this date I am in that bubble and find it hard to burst out of it, I know that there are couple who are together for years and are happy and monogamous, then how come I have not meet someone like that yet! Or been introduced to one as friends?

It’s all because I am in the wrong circle, my good friends who I have broken ties with are in open relationship and they just got a gay marriage! (Go figure)
My other two gay friends are hooking up with any one that is their type and not looking for a relationship with anyone.

Another big obstacle i see is not being true to my self, and still living at home and not having my own place, which sometimes makes me actout in order to be loved or fill the void of being with some one loving and carring.

I find it hard to listen to these kind of people, they do trigger me, and set off a mind activity that is hard to explain, fragments of the past come back and relapse like a movie in my mind, and I get tired of the relationship that I am in currently, and want to find a portal of gratification, if it’s just yea that I look hot and you would want to hook up with me or just a chat that gets me off for the moment.

I guess the gratification factor, the fake happiness I call it, sometimes weighs more for me than the greatest happiness of being with the one I am seeing, or in love with. No mind can fathom the other but I guess leaving room to comprehend this idea would be a greatest leap

I will try to explain more about the gratification issues that I have.

"Keep coming back"

Second day and i am Enamored

second day of my Blog and I began to think of how I have lead this life of sex addiction and have lost all my friends and any one I meet, I leave a path of destruction where ever life leads me.

I have double scheduled myself to meet someone while I was with friends, cut myself short from family to hook up with someone, or even double dated people without them knowing.

realized my addiction after losing a person who made a huge impact in my life, which no I see that my sexual addiction is the huge elephant in the room which I can’t talk to about it, I have an issue with sex addiction and my pursuit of Love in wrong places. I look for it online only and very shy and non social when comes to my sexual fixes, I don't go to clubs or bars to pick up some one, just wasn't my way of doing it from the day I started so it’s very out of character to meet someone in a bar for sex, but someone might look at this ant think otherwise.

I have gone to SLAA classes and they help to certain extend with the steps, but ultimately it’s up to me to quite with a good support of loved one or friends.

It’s like a smoker who wants to quit and hangs around their friends who smoke, they don’t get to fully accomplish their goals, due to distraction or peer pressure.

The same would apply in sex addiction, but in a different level I will describe my experience on day three.

"Keep coming back"

One month without him

today i decided to have a one year journey with my self and write the events down, and as one of the step in SLAA "take it one day at a time".

I've tried this step and approach before by taking a journal and writing in it, it was useful at first then became more and more mundane and it lost its punch. there was no sense of guidance and no comments and i kept it secret and to my self.

My previous diary wasn't all truth either, it was more filled with infatuation and lust that i still had for my ex now that i read it over i begin to realize the webs i was weaving and how entangled i was

today i had no desire to act out, i was for the most part thinking how to regenerate all my anger and form them towards something more positive, i have an art exhibition coming up in a few weeks and i have made that my priority and goal till the new year.

today i also thought about all my personal accounts that i have opened up in the past month to keep my self busy and not to think about my ex. i have said sorry for my actions, this past time was my third attempt at this relationship, and it was my fault because i couldn't get a hold of my sex addiction and did act out during my relationship with my ex, i thought he wouldn't find out about my chats or sexemails but he was in there and all along participating in them as i didn't know (or at least that's what i think)

is there any one else out there with in my path of journey?

i like to close my posts with the last line form SLAA classes
"keep coming back"