Putting My Walls Up...... AGAIN

i have managed to stay sober through this adverse time of abasement and banishment with sense of loneliness and fatigue from exercising to be sober and staying away from sex.

to be honest i haven't filled my prescription still and yesterday Friday, when i came home i got many responded to ads that i had replied to, and most wanted to meet, and Finlay i masturbated to some one virtually and i left the computer knowing if i stayed on, i would be seduced into acting out physically.

i am still upset about breaking my barrier of contacting new people for sex or liaison and i cant seem to close that portal that has opened up. perhaps what i am feeling is the sense of validation and approval which i haven't had in almost 5 months.

i helped sibling with their birthday party coming up tomorrow and i wouldn't be able to go to the SLAA class as much as i want to due to the birthday party.

i have not much to say besides that i haven't acted out on my main bottom line of not having sex with any one, and to protect that i will after posting this go and fill my prescription for mood depressant.

i hope who ever is reading this and is a sex addict can learn from my lessons and mistakes. please pray for the ones who are suffering.

Melt Down

After my post on Monday I couldn't resist any more and replied to ads, and i broke one of my bottom lines of not contacting any one and creating sexually related contact, i couldn't resist the gratification factor of being in spot light or tied to some ones fantasy.

I haven't made any physical contact yet and I don't want to, but for some reason i needed a validation and someones interaction about sex, as much as it was unhealthy i felt alive like a druggie getting a quick fix, i felt a rush and wanted to go through with it, but i just masturbated at home and left the contact.

these contacts continued to Tuesday, and i almost didn't want to go to the SLAA class and wanted to make other plans to act out, but with bad weather i went to the class and talked about my current challenges post 3 weeks of being away from the class and i feel that i need the class more than ever to keep re-assuring my self that there are others and i am not alone.

on my Wednesday therapy session i did borough up these points and how its getting harder to keep my sobriety walls up and i feel like i cant resist it this time around, with a long terapy session of talking about the trip and ohters, i asked to be given a pill something that i can take on the spot when i cant control the urges so now i'm given a mood depressant to take when i feel the urge or when they are becoming too much to handle.

i feel horrible about breaking my contact barrier but i would have been broken if I physicaly acted out.

i will close the new email in due time and will avoid checking it.

i have been sober on my main bottom line of not having sex with any one for 4 month and two weeks now, and i am strugling with my other bottom lines of pornography, online ads and seeking gratification.

What Do You Want From Me

listening to this music this week and it was calming and Serene, as i felt a connection with the each line and the bridge on this song, specially "No i wont let you down" in correlation with my suffering bottom line and felling the want to act out.

yesterday i obsessively and compulsively masturbated, to stop the urge of acting out, and in my head thoughts of planing something was beginning to be unbearable.

these thoughts even act in my dreams, so vivid that when i wake up i feel that i have acted out and a disappointment comes over me but i realize that it was a dream and i didn't really act out.

i don't know how to control these beyond masturbation which just subdues the feelings momentarily and comes back hours later,

i have my therapy session tomorrow and will discuss about my urges and what i can do to better handle my addiction so i can get through these dark spells of addiction.

the addiction is hard and sometimes i feel that i have beat the addiction and i am okay and that is when i make that mistake. only word i have for any one faced with their addiction is to monitor them and keep your self sober to know your weaknesses and your strengths and build on your strength and slowly eliminate your weaknesses.

A Car Sunvisor story

Today I was driving to work and i had forgotten my sunglasses, and i was fighting the sun after every turn as it took another angle, and i was constantly changing my visors to keep my eye out of direct sun so i could drive.

at one instance i was using the passenger and driver visors at the same time, in order to maximize my shade, and i had a flash back of months and months a go; when my ex was sitting in that seat and he questioned why the passenger visor was down, at the time i didn't read much into it, and my answer was genuine and the truth that on my way to work and back from work sun would hit me right in the face.

I realised that he cared to ask such question or he wouldn't have said any thing about it and just put the visor up if it was in front of his face, i don't know why he asked but even till today its echoing in my head.

in my addiction front i have had some though of the past, and so far i haven't contacted any one for sexual or liaison, and so far have avoided any email i have received.

i feel like i am panicking once more in my sobriety, and i feel that the sobriety might end sooner than my one year journey and so so wuld this blog.

i just read the note some one wrote on my Rome Blog, thank you, Italy was nice, and much more grand that what i had originally thought.

unpacking

Finally i am fully caught up with my jet-lag and i am back to normal time with my sleep and eating. it wasn't easy hopping planes back home only to find your self in another one going to work again.

I couldn't sleep much during the convention and post convention with business dinners or places that i wanted to see in Chicago, and was usually in the room by 10 or 11 pm.

beside sleeping in till noon hours i spend much of the weekend unpacking and putting away the stuff i bough over there, both luggage had not been put away the business luggage and vacation luggage was still packed till Friday.

beside doing my choirs i wanted to go to the Sunday SLAA class, to get a chance to talk about my addiction openly or be in a crowd of others in similar situation, and also gaining a chance to be away for a while from family, but sadly i didn't get away as mothers day is today and we had lunch as family and other relatives came over and watched the pictures and clips from he trip and shared some time.

i hope to go to Tuesday night SLAA class where i would get a chance to check in with some of my concerns over my addiction and hear other fellowship members stories.

Back Home

have you seen a cloud that sores alone
left to witter in tears to dry

have you seen a blade of grass on a dry soil
left to challenge the emptiness around it

have you found a bottle of wine empty
its left on a street defend it self from a being crushed

have you even seen a soul crushed that died
with hope of one day to rejoice in the lovers arm



I'm back home today, the big jungle has nothing to compare to in Rome and Istanbul, those sites are the real jungle were you have to hussel to make a dime.

i felt alone today, and being deprived for 2 weeks of Internet i went on some inappropriateness cites for porn and wanted adds, and was very tempted to reply to some adds, after two weeks i couldn't abstain from it and i horded, and got it out of my system, it was party curiosity on who had posted since i was gone and what was out there on cities where i visited.

i cant seam to get Internet addiction out of my head, as perhaps i have used it cognisant and while on the computer for work or non work reasons, i go into mode of sexual addiction which takes over, and at times goes too far where i have to pull back.

while in Chicago i went out to the city millennium park to see the cloud gate and north Chicago to check out the scenic views after hours when the convention was over.

i have been sober for 4 months and 1 week now and i am glad i went off the grid for the two weeks as at times when i was alone or felt lonesome i wanted to act out and intenet would have been the tool to get it.

While in Turkey

Today is the last night in Turkey, a city filled with mosques and its ancient beauty and its old ways. you can still find the mosques call for prayers 5 time a day, and people swarming to wards the mosques for each prayer.

the city is filled with shops and ancient ruins to visit, there are many tourists here and there is a huge hassle and bussel around this neighbourhood where i am staying.

during one of the walks i was passing a mosque where i saw a cat, (there are many) but this one looked just like (Daisy) and i wanted to go forward to pet but i stayed far and my eyes just focused on this cat and she was looking right back at me.

enjoyed visiting the relatives and family here and for the most part i had forgotten about back home and my job and stresses in my life, this peace was really nice to find in this past few days.

i am still sober, on my main bottom lines even if I looked at some one on the street or check out some one hot, i didn't make any contact as i was mostly with family and i wasn't willing to experiment here.