Putting My Walls Up...... AGAIN

i have managed to stay sober through this adverse time of abasement and banishment with sense of loneliness and fatigue from exercising to be sober and staying away from sex.

to be honest i haven't filled my prescription still and yesterday Friday, when i came home i got many responded to ads that i had replied to, and most wanted to meet, and Finlay i masturbated to some one virtually and i left the computer knowing if i stayed on, i would be seduced into acting out physically.

i am still upset about breaking my barrier of contacting new people for sex or liaison and i cant seem to close that portal that has opened up. perhaps what i am feeling is the sense of validation and approval which i haven't had in almost 5 months.

i helped sibling with their birthday party coming up tomorrow and i wouldn't be able to go to the SLAA class as much as i want to due to the birthday party.

i have not much to say besides that i haven't acted out on my main bottom line of not having sex with any one, and to protect that i will after posting this go and fill my prescription for mood depressant.

i hope who ever is reading this and is a sex addict can learn from my lessons and mistakes. please pray for the ones who are suffering.

Melt Down

After my post on Monday I couldn't resist any more and replied to ads, and i broke one of my bottom lines of not contacting any one and creating sexually related contact, i couldn't resist the gratification factor of being in spot light or tied to some ones fantasy.

I haven't made any physical contact yet and I don't want to, but for some reason i needed a validation and someones interaction about sex, as much as it was unhealthy i felt alive like a druggie getting a quick fix, i felt a rush and wanted to go through with it, but i just masturbated at home and left the contact.

these contacts continued to Tuesday, and i almost didn't want to go to the SLAA class and wanted to make other plans to act out, but with bad weather i went to the class and talked about my current challenges post 3 weeks of being away from the class and i feel that i need the class more than ever to keep re-assuring my self that there are others and i am not alone.

on my Wednesday therapy session i did borough up these points and how its getting harder to keep my sobriety walls up and i feel like i cant resist it this time around, with a long terapy session of talking about the trip and ohters, i asked to be given a pill something that i can take on the spot when i cant control the urges so now i'm given a mood depressant to take when i feel the urge or when they are becoming too much to handle.

i feel horrible about breaking my contact barrier but i would have been broken if I physicaly acted out.

i will close the new email in due time and will avoid checking it.

i have been sober on my main bottom line of not having sex with any one for 4 month and two weeks now, and i am strugling with my other bottom lines of pornography, online ads and seeking gratification.

What Do You Want From Me

listening to this music this week and it was calming and Serene, as i felt a connection with the each line and the bridge on this song, specially "No i wont let you down" in correlation with my suffering bottom line and felling the want to act out.

yesterday i obsessively and compulsively masturbated, to stop the urge of acting out, and in my head thoughts of planing something was beginning to be unbearable.

these thoughts even act in my dreams, so vivid that when i wake up i feel that i have acted out and a disappointment comes over me but i realize that it was a dream and i didn't really act out.

i don't know how to control these beyond masturbation which just subdues the feelings momentarily and comes back hours later,

i have my therapy session tomorrow and will discuss about my urges and what i can do to better handle my addiction so i can get through these dark spells of addiction.

the addiction is hard and sometimes i feel that i have beat the addiction and i am okay and that is when i make that mistake. only word i have for any one faced with their addiction is to monitor them and keep your self sober to know your weaknesses and your strengths and build on your strength and slowly eliminate your weaknesses.

A Car Sunvisor story

Today I was driving to work and i had forgotten my sunglasses, and i was fighting the sun after every turn as it took another angle, and i was constantly changing my visors to keep my eye out of direct sun so i could drive.

at one instance i was using the passenger and driver visors at the same time, in order to maximize my shade, and i had a flash back of months and months a go; when my ex was sitting in that seat and he questioned why the passenger visor was down, at the time i didn't read much into it, and my answer was genuine and the truth that on my way to work and back from work sun would hit me right in the face.

I realised that he cared to ask such question or he wouldn't have said any thing about it and just put the visor up if it was in front of his face, i don't know why he asked but even till today its echoing in my head.

in my addiction front i have had some though of the past, and so far i haven't contacted any one for sexual or liaison, and so far have avoided any email i have received.

i feel like i am panicking once more in my sobriety, and i feel that the sobriety might end sooner than my one year journey and so so wuld this blog.

i just read the note some one wrote on my Rome Blog, thank you, Italy was nice, and much more grand that what i had originally thought.

unpacking

Finally i am fully caught up with my jet-lag and i am back to normal time with my sleep and eating. it wasn't easy hopping planes back home only to find your self in another one going to work again.

I couldn't sleep much during the convention and post convention with business dinners or places that i wanted to see in Chicago, and was usually in the room by 10 or 11 pm.

beside sleeping in till noon hours i spend much of the weekend unpacking and putting away the stuff i bough over there, both luggage had not been put away the business luggage and vacation luggage was still packed till Friday.

beside doing my choirs i wanted to go to the Sunday SLAA class, to get a chance to talk about my addiction openly or be in a crowd of others in similar situation, and also gaining a chance to be away for a while from family, but sadly i didn't get away as mothers day is today and we had lunch as family and other relatives came over and watched the pictures and clips from he trip and shared some time.

i hope to go to Tuesday night SLAA class where i would get a chance to check in with some of my concerns over my addiction and hear other fellowship members stories.

Back Home

have you seen a cloud that sores alone
left to witter in tears to dry

have you seen a blade of grass on a dry soil
left to challenge the emptiness around it

have you found a bottle of wine empty
its left on a street defend it self from a being crushed

have you even seen a soul crushed that died
with hope of one day to rejoice in the lovers arm



I'm back home today, the big jungle has nothing to compare to in Rome and Istanbul, those sites are the real jungle were you have to hussel to make a dime.

i felt alone today, and being deprived for 2 weeks of Internet i went on some inappropriateness cites for porn and wanted adds, and was very tempted to reply to some adds, after two weeks i couldn't abstain from it and i horded, and got it out of my system, it was party curiosity on who had posted since i was gone and what was out there on cities where i visited.

i cant seam to get Internet addiction out of my head, as perhaps i have used it cognisant and while on the computer for work or non work reasons, i go into mode of sexual addiction which takes over, and at times goes too far where i have to pull back.

while in Chicago i went out to the city millennium park to see the cloud gate and north Chicago to check out the scenic views after hours when the convention was over.

i have been sober for 4 months and 1 week now and i am glad i went off the grid for the two weeks as at times when i was alone or felt lonesome i wanted to act out and intenet would have been the tool to get it.

While in Turkey

Today is the last night in Turkey, a city filled with mosques and its ancient beauty and its old ways. you can still find the mosques call for prayers 5 time a day, and people swarming to wards the mosques for each prayer.

the city is filled with shops and ancient ruins to visit, there are many tourists here and there is a huge hassle and bussel around this neighbourhood where i am staying.

during one of the walks i was passing a mosque where i saw a cat, (there are many) but this one looked just like (Daisy) and i wanted to go forward to pet but i stayed far and my eyes just focused on this cat and she was looking right back at me.

enjoyed visiting the relatives and family here and for the most part i had forgotten about back home and my job and stresses in my life, this peace was really nice to find in this past few days.

i am still sober, on my main bottom lines even if I looked at some one on the street or check out some one hot, i didn't make any contact as i was mostly with family and i wasn't willing to experiment here.

Whıle In Rome

I know i said i wouldn't be using technology while on vacation but my siblings couldn't resist and had to use the Internet while we were out, so we got each computers to check the emails and so on.

on work front it seems every thing is covered, checking the web email i was happy that ever email is taken care of and its business as regular and no stress when i go back to my job.

in addiction front i masturbated once since i left home and i haven't had much time to think about sex or my addiction.

people in Rome are very hospitable and are very nice, unfortunately not every one speaks English, and seldom you cross some one who does, but they would help you even if they dont speak English.

the city of Rome is massive and the modern Rome is mixed with the ancient Rome, you cant walk 50M without seeing a statue or some sort of a ancient site that is preserved right next to a modern building.

with the limited amount of Italian i had started to learn last year, it came handy to formulate sentence, "Dove Fonta De Trevi" or to basic "ciao" and "quanto" and numbers, i was really amazed on how much i had learned slowly, while it felt it wasn't really usefully at the time.

i miss the comfort of being at home, and at the same time we had these social culture back home where every one is ready to help others and be happy even if you don't have a car.

Now Turkey is next.....

Bags are Packed!!!

All my bags are packed I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye

But the dawn is breakin' it's early morn
The taxi's waitin' he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die

John Denver | Leaving On A Jet Plane Lyrics


I love this song as i have sang it every where i have gone, as a kid my family moved alot and even as an adult i traveled a bit, so this song became a Hallmark moment for me when flying or going on a trip, to me its a song about lovers parting and some how i have a connection to every place i visit, through food, culture or the people.


yesterday i started packing for the trip, and i recalled the donation drive that happens on our street where you give clothes that you don't want to them and in return they help out the needs and the kids who are new to Canada and so on.

as i was packing for the trip i went through my clothes, and got the ones i could relate a memory to him and i gave them away, perhaps it would make some else happy than for me to hang on to them as a negative energy and solitude of something that had occurred.

i haven't cruised the cities i will be staying in as i know i wont have the laptop any more and no phone, i will be going off the grid for almost two weeks and it would be a great vacation of life time to be out of technology and give my self a rest that is much needed.

I would blog all about the trip to Rome and ancient city of Adrianople and Constantinople.

If i get a chance i want to visit the tomb of Rumi the ancient poet with twirling dervishes, he went on a search to find his gay lover "Shams-e Tabrizi" who was Shunned by Rumi's family to ever see him, Rumi in return went on a self exhile from his family to find his lover, he wrote many love poems and texts but never got to see his lover, but he danced like a butter fly around the memory of Shams as a candle, till his last breath.

First is Healing

I am thinking of you in my sleepless solitude tonight
If it's wrong to love you, then my heart just won't let me be right
'Cos I've drowned in you and I won't pull through
Without you by my side

I'd give my all to have just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel your body next to mine
'Cos I can't go on living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight

song by: Mariah Carey | My All



I feel a bit up set still about the thought of the grocery store, but after the Sunday SLAA class, i feel much better to have talked openly about it in class.

i am still shy about opening up about my sexuality in the class, and put things in third party format and stay away from referring to any one as him or He in my "getting current" Moment of sharing.

after sharing and hearing other peoples story, i felt a bit more calm about what had occurred and to some extends i felt i showed a my wounds and now its time to start healing.

Through sharing moment in SLAA i found comfort and solitude that i never felt before, i guess i never opened up about my incidents of the past to any one and only talked about present time and how my addiction is going so far.

Perhaps i was more angry at the repeat of the same scenarios where i was bullied by my addiction, i was used as a vehicle to get to some where, that i didn't want to be.

I have managed to be sober for 3 months and 3 weeks now, i feel great about it, i feel good because i haven't given the sex addiction chance to bully me with into acting out and loosing my sobriety.

i would suggest to any one suffering with sex addiction to dig through these bones of past cycle of abuse either self inflicting or others, and log them for your self to know your triggers and be able to distinguish between the wrong and right through a sobriety, as any other way i have approached wont work.

"Keep coming back"

Grocery Store Incident From Past

I had a Good Saturday so far, went grocery shopping, baked a cake, did my worked out to polymeric exercise section of P90X DVD.

After my work out i took a shower and while shaving i was thinking about my whole day and if i did any thing out of ordinary, and every thing was regular and normal, i didn't objectify any one in public or wondered out of my routine of just shopping groceries, during the course of this thought i had a flash back that to this day it bothers me.

I recalled a grocery shopping trip in November 15, where, me and him were shopping groceries, i had a basket and i was loading things into it, next thing i know there is a second basket he has, i though he wants to make things easier for both of us during the course of shopping. But when time came to check out we lined up together and he separated into another register to pay, what bothered me was that there was no option given to me, that half of thing on my basket wasn't even for me, and i was left with paying for it with no alternative.

I have paid for dinners and groceries and even expensive wines for his dinner party, but i don't like to be put on the spot, even though that day gave him a glance of "what the fuck" he just pretended its normal in which he expect me to pay for the groceries.

I did pay for the items, i don't care about the money just the ethics behind it was wrong and demeaning, i bought the items to never consume even one of them, and we went to his house that night and that evening i couldn't stand him anymore so i left to go back home and be with my family, which in return the next day, the intervention occurred even though i was sober for the whole two week that i recall.

while typing this i recall another incident that when i was shopping with him, i noted that there is no tea in the house and mostly coffee, (even though he knows i am not a coffee drinker) i went to choose a tea, and he said i should buy another one for "D@^$ or D@^!" (his ex of 2 or 3 moths) when he comes over.

i was disgusted that some one he knew after me came first, and when i was with him he was still thinking about the guy in the past.

i tried to set examples of buying thing that he needed like asking him if he needed any thing from the store on my way over or while at pharmacy asking if he wanted any thing as toiletries, which i would get, but i never saw any of those actions returned back to me.

basically I'm angry now and I'm trying to to think out side the box and look for reasons for his actions or for him not returning any favors for me, i am falling short and makes me feel less worthy of others and depresses me beyond words.

some times with these dark thoughts i hate his very name. i don't want to say any more at this time.

i am still sober on my main bottom line and will be going to SLAA class tomorrow as i feel terrible tonight.

"keep coming back"

5 Month Now Without Him

Withdrawal and its second wave
Huge turmoil for the sand

Shore line’s eroded n gone
Sea floors receded n done

Once I walked thought of him on these sand
No more sand but thought still at hand

Unto these shore line waiting for the sand
Now I linger, He'll be back again


Second Withdrawal

It’s been 5 months now and today it still feels like I am missing something, and constant thought of him leaves me with feeling of wanting to be with someone else, someone who would fill the void,

But I recall making this mistake last year and I am not resorting to that this year, not after coming this far, 3 months and almost 3 weeks of sobriety now.

last class of SLAA I was congratulated on being still sober passing the 3 month phase which most people fail after this, as much as I have the feelings of acting out or to find someone to fill my void, I can’t bring myself to do it as I know myself that it is a slippery slope for me and I won’t be able to stop again, with excessive activities and being occupied with others.

I know where the second wave of withdrawal feeling is coming from but I can’t do much about it, as I can’t contact any one from the past, and at the same time I am not willing to be sexual. At times my sexual side dictates to be incorporated back into society and that I am healthy and know my boundaries, but knowing my addiction and how far it has driven me, it would only be scenario of Pandora's box where if I go back I won’t be able to see the limits again and slip back into the addiction routines.

As I haven't distanced myself far from my addiction I understand slipping back to regular routines would be as easy as switching to auto pilot.

The only words of encouragement I have is to monitor your sexual urges and keep them in check, also knowing how long you have been sexually active or your addiction was in control try do distance yourself according to that measure and be sober for longer period of time before incorporating back to dating and love life.

"Keep coming back"

PS. after this blog i was given orkid flower for my work station from my boss who i had though is non caring kind of a guy to cheer me up since he knows i have been under the weather for couple of weeks since i found out my cholesterol is through the roof because of stress.
He even brought the name of medication he used to take and recommended certain stuff earlier last week, which i though was out of ordinary for him to do.
I guess i shouldn't judge people by how they act on the outside