A week in summary

It’s been a good week, I took a bit time off work to just focus on my art and, I found a restaurant that wants to show case my pieces for duration of 6 months.

Even if nothing is sold, it’s better than nothing, at least ill show case it, and will get some traffic to my site and perhaps someone will see it and like them.

Perhaps before I leave to go back to university, I should do more sculptures and more pieces that I can’t do when I'm at home.

I really haven't painted any giant pieces, not done any photography lately. It all comes in form of depression and not willing to do anything. I really don't know how I managed to do my show last year even though I was not really into it. Perhaps the thoughts that he would show up motivated me to finish the show or the fact I had already paid the money upfront.

here I go again rendering topics about past relationships, to keep it up to day now, I have contacted a few galleries as well and I'm waiting to hear back. I still keep posting on free art sites about my profile just gives more impression on the internet and create links and possibilities that can lead to my site.

I am feeling a bit anorexic from attention and even thought of sex and even masturbation, perhaps the pills have put me into regular routine now, or its the side effects.

I keep monitoring my actions and haven't slipped on any thing, and I rarely go on line to see porn or other x rated material, and haven't broken my sex barrier, it's almost 9 months now.

I didn’t really feel like going to SLAA this past week to both classes as I just don’t want to be in a group session at this time, just don’t want any attention and don’t seek one in general.

keep going to classes, put up walls and barriers for your self ans sooner or later it becomes second nature to be sex free, and you will defeat the urges, with pills of without them by creating a normal and healthy routine

Numbers Game

Today is 9th of 9th, 9 is my favorite number, and today I looked into the meaning of it and why I like this number.

First of all it’s the highest single digit number both in decimal format and single digit, as it creates the next chain after 9 passes the and created the next form which becomes double digit
In every language it looks the same, from Sanskrit which forms the most of the languages on this planet, to today’s Hindu, Arabic and Latin roots, it all looks like a circle with a tail or open ended circle similar to @ symbol.

Its product of 3 x 3, also in some religions it said 9 is spiritual realm.

Mathematically, the interesting property of 9 is
9 x 1 = 9 (9 = 9)
9 x 2 = 18 (8+1 = 9)
9 * 3 = 27 (7+2 = 9)
9 * 4 = 36 (3+6 = 9)
9 * 5 = 45 (4+5 = 9)
9 * 6 = 54 (5+4 = 9)
9 * 7 = 63 (6+3 = 9)
9 * 8 = 72 (7+2 = 9)
9 * 9 = 81 (8+1 = 9)
9 * 10 = 90(9+0 = 9)

Most commonly its said that cats have 9 lives.

With all said and done it’s my favorite number as I looked into it, there is more proof to love it even more.

Anyone want to post their favorite number?

Hell vs Heaven

One side is hell
Other called heaven

Only a veil of distance
Comes to test patience

Love rained 'n received is heaven
Love retained 'n retrieved is hell

How long to spend in all this silence
In my sobriety to find its balance

Poem by Blogger



I watched a movie over the weekend it was amazing to find the link between art on silver screen and its close encounter of life captured within it. The character in the movie quoted a line where if paraphrased said "hell is not being loved and when your loved its heaven".

Wow what an amazing line, it was a bit more abstract in form of sentence but the meaning of it was as paraphrased, that the character was in hell and only thing that would save him was to find someone to love and be loved back.

When I looked back in my past I was at state of wow and high, nothing meant more to me than being with the lover do anything for him and only wanted the best in life for him. Somehow I get my emotional mix up of expectations and decline to see the love I receive and only want it in the same way I am giving.

some might be slow in giving and others fast, some show it and some just make it known, others verbally and some emotionally, yet with all these level of emotional ports to show affection, I am lost in my reciprocals from picking up the signals or yet my addiction gets the best of me and want to receive more than I give.

It was hard sitting there and trying not to think of the past, and paying attention to the movie. Perhaps it all came about after I was contacted recently; I don’t know what to do.

I have my next therapy session next week, and hope to shine a bit more light on my non-conversion and silence, as I feel this is the only way I can maintain a distance and hold on to my sobriety and perhaps the doctor next week can give me more guidance on what to do next on my step towards recovery.

A week in summary

It’s been a very cold weekend, and didn't do my training in fear of catching a cold or respiratory irritation, and couldn't go to Sunday class for SLAA due to long weekend. As family we were planning on going camping in the sub suburbs and because of the cold it didn't happen either.

Over all the weekend I have been at home and just relaxing and taking it easy, by watching movie and moving some stuff around. while moving a glass bookcase out, we managed to break the door and the glass went flying everywhere, and it cut my brothers finger, (this is the brother I don't really get along perhaps he knows I’m gay or the fact we are different on topics) he quickly ran in and drooped the bookcase that was to be donated to a charity on Tuesday for pick up.
I went in after him, to help him with the cut, I got the first aid kit and told him to put it under cold water not warm water, I washed it with iodine and since it was big laceration I wrapped it really tightly to stop the bleeding by compression. I knew if it didn’t stop he would need stitches, but I didn’t tell anyone as it would have just created more stress and chaos. I tended to him by telling him to lie down and arms up and stop opening the wound to check how it is as he would interrupt the blood clothing, it finally stopped and there was no need of stitches.

After it was over I thought about it if that was me who would have helped me, I know for sure it wouldn't have been him, nor my sister as she would have fainted and perhaps my dad but he doesn't know much first aid and I had to walk him through it and my mom was at work so.

I don't know why I care so much for others even though if they are my enemy and if that was me I was not going to receive the same attention back or level of care.

Sometimes my mind runs a thousand thoughts per minute and at times they are all negative and not really conducive to my over all recovery from sex or love addiction.
I still have needs and wants but I feel that there is a miss-balance still in my life and can’t seem to point it out.

Running In The Rain

What an amazing Rain
Powerful, it cresses this train

Thunderbolts ravage by
Fierce bolts apply

Fear of thunder stuck
Propel my feet to fly

Enjoyed it all being wet
Happy like a child with a pet

Poem by Blogger


Yesterday, after I got home, I went for a run. As soon as I was down the hill from the house it started to drizzle and next thing I know its pouring rain by the next hill.

I wanted to turn around and go back home, but I knew I needed the training for getting back to speed for the marathon coming up. I persevered and pushed myself to at least run a 10k. I was soaking went, the iPod stopped working as the ear buds were filled with water and soaking wet from head to toe.

it was an amazing feel to be able to run in the rain like that, last time I did such act was when I was little and I recall a storm and I ran out to the flat roof top house and just went out and got soaking wet, even though I got an ear full when I went downstairs from my mom but it was happy time, which I remembered during the course of my run.

it was amazing to see how the mind works and how it connect two things together, I had forgotten the day when I was little till yesterday, every time I would wipe my face clean from all the water drops on it or squint and fight each rain drop from covering my sight, I was truly and honestly at peace, I was so happy to run free and carefree from getting wet that I enjoyed my run and it didn’t feel that long even thought it took close to an hour to run the 10km.

Do an act of childish means, be connected to that child in you, paint something silly or go play in the yard and get dirty or simply go out in the rain with no worry. Break free of the shackles that we put on ourselves and set the soul free this is the true meaning of freedom to mea

City Of Angels

City filled with people and metropolitan full of souls, all searching for a meaning of life. Life that we age us and die life that sometimes passes us by. We are all angels in away, how to find that inner strength and harvest it is up to each individual being. The way we manage stress and how we honor people around us is the very fabric of social etiquette and way of life.

There are people out there that have written books about life and soul starting with religion and spirituality to the most political ones of anti-god and atheist views.
Both supporting relation of god and anti-god social fabric of society, that can live and be loved.

In my views the social fabric of god and fear of god is great, but when it’s driven out to point where you fear wrath of god and over his blessing and forgiveness is where people stop believing in him.

In atheist views, there is no god. And we are to respect the things around us as one is relevant to other and there is a nature’s balance, and the way of life as Darwin’s theory, survivor of the fittest in law abiding form and not in anarchist views.

Basically the one who is the most fit mentally and physically, and connect the two entity by spiritually is the builder of the pyramid of life, where by extending the height of each one it only gets large, but by lacking any one side there is no mass or space that it can take up, and it would only be a straight line.

I am still searching for meaning of life but every so often when I run the path, where scribed in the side walk, "god is love and love is god" catches my attention ever so gradually that vie come to realize that meaning of life is form of love you radiate and receive from the world.

There might be a god or not be a God after all, but I need to respect the ones around me and offer them love and affection, accept the course of actions in the past and don’t let it dictate my future.

I hope this Blog was help full in some ways for the ones reading it, and give you a topic to debate about on your belief of god, spiritual or atheist views.

A week in summary

It’s been a crazy week; I had to finish my second course I took in the evenings, and was rushing to finish the assignments and reports that was due. I am confident I go a good grade from this course but unfortunately I need to take more courses as it wasn't sufficient to get accepted this fall, it was both last minute and not enough upgrades done.

I was a bit upset with the outcome of my school situation but I guess one more year or semester that I have to wait while taking higher upgrade courses to keep myself both update and sharp when I join the group.

in the mean time this week I have applied to a lot of job postings as I don’t see myself working at this location for another year, and I’m willing to get different job even if it’s for 6 month. It is a huge trigger point for my addiction as this year with the economy slowdown my pay is slashed and that makes me less self worth, with my pay.

The 8th month of my sobriety just passed and I feel confident about it, sometimes I feel to call my ex or to see him, and for a week now I haven’t talked with them and I have beaten the thoughts of needing to meet him.

My recent conversation calmed me down from the anger I was feeling, and in some way I am at peace now and have leveled off. Originally it was like an earthquake that shook the grounds as I had a different understanding of the past and with the shock factor I ran for cover and was anger and upset at the whole thing.

I will be going to Tuesday’s class this coming week for sure, this weekend was nice and today were going to a beach as a family.

9th month

"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, It is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."
- Kent Keith



Our Father, which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name;
Thy kingdom come;
They will be done,
In earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation;
But deliver us from evil.

Amen



I remember one night I was going to sleep over, and as we were together in bed, I asked him to pray, so I said my prayer for healing and asked him to say this quote, I didn’t know its name I only knew phrases of it, so he recognized the lord’s prayer and said it.

Even though I'm not a Christian it is a very moving prayer and glimpse of hope behind a dark cloud and one day a savior will come to save from this evil

Lost it

Circles for ever as a ring
Circles around me this thing

"Standing here out side your door"
As i go on and i murmur n sing

Flowers at your door for you to see
I now know you never got those things

Poem by Blogger


I had let go of the past and what I knew was the fact, but with recent change of past I am starting all over again with forgiving and forgetting the past, it’s hard, I have talked to him but more I hear his voice crack as I speak to him a bit more of me feels pain and anguish over what I did and how sorry I am.

This past weekend I was a bit down from talking to him again, and I felt to go out with friends on Sunday, and I went bowling with close friends and with my siblings.

It was a fun hour that I put everything just a side and I had a blast bowling and not thinking about my strain and stresses of addiction and being single.

As I blogged earlier about a ring that I got myself as my sobriety started to grow, that I’m not alone as I will always have myself and my soul is important part of me, it works I feel more grounded when I have it on and when people see it they think I’m attached and conversations are more clean and less distracting for me.

I took the ring off as I couldn’t bowl with it on my right hand, and I put it in my pocket with the car keys, and when I left I took the keys out and went home, and later that night I couldn’t find the ring in my jeans. I searched everywhere and called the friends who I went out with and checked with my siblings and the bowling place, I thought I had already lost the hundred dollar tungsten ring and was looking to get the similar one ordered, hence the ring picture I found to post on here.

but today while waiting for the kettle to boil at work I put my had in my back pocket and there it was a hard metal and when I took it out I was so happy, that the secretary beside me said "what did you find in there an engagement ring", only if she knew what it meant to me and more than just a ring.

It’s a good feeling when you find something you think you've lost.

At My Darkest Hour

No more dreams please
Thoughts let me be, freeze

If there was a word for the cause
You would win the award for the buzz

Don’t say you’re sorry cus your not
Your sorry cus Karma got you taught

That was quite the story after all
Go on and get your next boy-toy-story call

Award for best of lies go to you in all
For making me believe that you loved me after all

You cursed me down while I still loved you like stars
I forgive you after all these ugly scars

I saw you as a guiding light
Now I know you’re out of my sight

But you found a new lover
And telling me so it’s over

Let’s hear your award speech come on over
I’ll applause in ovation ‘n hug you my clover

Poem by Blogger


After thinking about it all, deeply and knowing in my heart what had happened, and even though I wanted to speak to him, I resisted to call him all this week and just abased myself with these thoughts.

I am a bit more relax now and I’ve been hesitating to post this poem for a while and I have changed it many times from the worst to a relax toned one that it is today.

I’ve been busy with my upgrade classes and few more in series for the fall as well, which are keeping me busy for now and out of trouble.

He is not reading my blog anymore and I am back to being relaxed with myself on my blog instead of watching what I am saying or doing.

Keep yourself in check while in course of sobriety and always be true to your inner values and what you hold yourself against in virtues and beliefs to build a strong sobriety foundation, and from here on out everything will rest on it.

What Did You Think?

< < < < < AUTO PLAY ENABLED > > > > >

What did you think,
I would do at this moment,
When you're standing before me,
With tears in your eyes
Tryin to tell me that you
Found you another
And you just don't love me no more

And what did you think,
I would say at this moment,
When I'm faced with the knowledge,
That you just don't love me ?
Did you think I would curse you,
Or say things to hurt you,
Cause you just don't love me no more..

Did you think I could hate you
Or raise my hands to you
Oh come on you know me too well!
How could I hurt you
When darling I love you
And you know, I would never hurt you..

Michael Buble At This Moment Lyrics


As I blogged about feeling during the course of sobriety, some days are good and others are bad, and anything in between. this week and now I’m currently going through a rough patch, I feel hurt and powerless against controlling my feeling and ability to smile. I've been reading some of the old conversation that I’ve had with him and when I read the text, I keep falling into a dark place where I find no happiness currently and a bottom to kick back on.

I know what I did in the past was really horrible and if I could see myself in the past now I would have disowned me too.

I've been listening to album of Michael Buble, every song just characterizes this past month so well, I have tears rolling down my face specially on this track, as I don't know what to say or do, my thoughts are wrapped around his finger, and now that I know he didn't even love me, but I still can’t turn off this love and connection that once I had towards him.

I keep reminding myself that he just cared, and telling myself, he was there because he is a love addict or the fact is that probably he can’t be alone, since he is serial dating after we broke up and going from one guy to the next, and as addmitted cheated on me, and cheated on his other ex.

I keep breaking his character image in my mind, so it’s more palatable to me, and I’ll be able to forget and disconnect myself from him, but it’s hard to break a connection from your heart, even if you’re not reciprocated on those feelings and your connection, or if successful in forgetting them it will never leave your dreams.

For any one going through seismic moves with old relationships, I suggest going through the SLAA program and being familiar with signs of addiction and just hear other stories of addicts, it make you more aware of what might be warning signs and symptoms of others around you and tools to stay away as much as it is or was your drug of choice.

Holding on To The Past

There is no savior
No northern light

Guiding compass broken
Hour glass needs a token

No raft coming, no search crew cast
How long leaky life jacket can last?

Buoyant in these waters I roam
Searching for a land call my own

Poem by blogger


Perhaps I tricked myself in seeing something that wasn’t there and set myself up for disappointment. I am trying to stay composed and selfless, with humility and patience, and try to let go of the past and accept the sequence of events for betterment of my life and my future. I find it hard to be weightless and response less against it, my only self expression has been keyboard and a LED screen, and this is where I find my balance.

After almost 18 months of therapy and constant living in the past, I read a great line while reading through addiction and therapy methods for people who are living in the past.

"Living in the past is like stones one carries with them while swimming in this vast ocean of life, the more stone you carry with you the more effort it takes to stay afloat. Carrying these weights on you for prologue period will cause you to fail in your sobriety and give up."

That is me still, even though I have no grudge and anger (coals example to burn me) but I am constantly living in the past, and smile or cry over things that happened in the past. Like the stones, I am carrying all of these on me and I am finding it hard to stay buoyant in these waters of sobriety.

I still have dreams about him; no matter what I have changed and how much I have tried to forget him you can’t change the heart.

Even though he has said sorry, but the scars won’t go away and I don’t need sorry from any one or him. I need nourishment by coming out, acknowledgment from family and close friends.
I know it’s coming to a point that I have to come out of this cocoon that I’ve built for myself, and I know that by being in the closet doesn’t mean people don’t know.

when I started my therapy, the therapist told me "Life is already hard as it is, why are you living a double life" I live basically two lives, one person who is straight at home, to friends and at work, and other person who is gay, I've had two separate life style which one doesn’t know about the other one, and I’ve been advised that no matter how far I go in my sobriety, the problem will still be there because the root of the issue is not dealt with. I keep refreshing myself on what I was said to me that day, and I’m trying to be true to myself and motivate myself in coming out.

The lesson that can be learned is, being true with your self is the only way to solve this issue around sex and love addiction that is rooted with being in closet or, as coming out it will creates sense of stability and self esteem that you wouldn’t find in hiding and being in closet and seeking constant sex as a quick gratification to fill the voids.