Your Eyes

your eyes, your lines
they make diamonds envy n' cry

your face your grace
makes the moon pale 'n hide its face

as you smile, for a mile
whole world gets brighter for a while

you hugs your arms
makes my heart melt like butterflies

your kiss your lips
makes me weak, wonder am i missed

he is beautiful, so beautiful
as i miss him every day

Poem by blogger



New year is just around the corner, and i broke my contact barrier yesterday by texting him this poem, i couldn't stop, the silence was getting louder and i had to say how i feel though the poem.

hope the new year brings every one a happy and joyful synergy and filled with sobriety and happiness in all your efforts and ordeals.

Granade Of My Life

Soon it’s going to be a year that faithful day of being thrown out of a house of someone who I love dearly.

It has changed my life ever since, I struggled at first and I have discovered my weaknesses and allot of my character defects and what provokes me to be the way I am as a sex addict.

I am currently in therapy and support group of SLAA and monitoring myself daily weekly and month to be on track.

I have cut a log of thing out of my life including my EX, going to gym and contact with people who I acted out with, and by eliminating all of these I have been able to keep my 10 and half month so sobriety so far.

Just know you’re not alone and keep strong as you’re worth it.

Dream of a Dream

I want to wake up
I feel I can’t hold up

Shaking as it feels real
Feeling that tear that won’t heal

How long will I be alone?
Till I feel a warmth again

Dreams leave me cold
But when I see you I feel warmth

How I close my eyes to dream of a dream
Dream to see you looking at me

Poem by blogger



I do believe in power of a dream but don’t know where these dreams are leading me, I want to contact my Ex who I keep dreaming about and tell him every detail but I want to hold true to my contact barrier for now.

my next to last dream, I dreamed that I can see he was a sleep and holding his head up and sleeping, he began to loudly snore and when I wanted to wake him up, he fell over the bed and shattered in to pieces, I went over the bed to collect and put him together and I woke up

I told him about this dream and he said he can’t sleep and is stressed at work.


my recent dream was a bit more bazaar, I saw he was getting married and I was in the church, and he was with someone wearing a white dress, and when the priest asked if anyone has anything to say, he turned around to look at the crowd, and I put my hand out and wanted to yell out loud, but no one could see me moving my arm or could hear my muffled sound.

I woke up with tears on my face as it felt so real and painful to see him with someone else,
I tried to decipher it on my own and look up the meaning but nothing came through but negative and bad explanations so far.


"God give me the strength to get through my sobriety"

Hardest Decision Of All

I have been meaning to Blog at least once every two days but finding it hard to get around doing that with work load of school, and exams back to back.

I finally finished my applications for Universities, mainly I have selected ones outside of the major metro Politian, as I don’t want to be here with the distractions of both family and quick availability of sexual tension and urges to test my sobriety with.

I am doing well in school marks are well above 70 and 75 and will increase from here, as the rest is mostly assignment based and final exam.

I did something this week that I kind of regret but I think over the course of my recovery I will see the wisdom of its benefits, I asked my ex to sop contacting me, not because I didn’t like it or I hate him for anything, I still like the guy and very dear to me, but when he sent me a text, or a way of reaching me my mind would run a mile a second wondering where and what he is doing, and why am I being contacted, quickly I find myself enraptured with thoughts and feelings that didn’t exact and all was fabricated over a text.

I hope I made a good decision and have not hurt his feeling over this, as that wants my intension, and if I may be selfish but over all I don’t want to hurt him again.

it was a hardest decision I have ever made and I want to stick to it, I know I have said this before and have broken my contact barrier with him and has been destructive both for me and I guess for him as well to think of me and text.

I guess today’s lesson would be to keep track of what is triggering you and what bothers you in your sobriety and avoid it or cut it off, it might be hard but soon you’ll see a new tranquil conscious within yourself that you’ll find ohm and stepping stone towards healthy lifestyle.

"God Grant me Strength"

Love the way you .....

Come sing thing to me
Whisper me to bed

The first day or our story
Future seemed so golden then bad

As this shadow came long
And became so evil on it all

Were still apart
Suppress all after 2nd bad start

Even angles get broken wings
And fall from such height

But you’re always my hero
As were still apart

Inspired poem
Written by Blogger


I had a tough week so far, trying to move forward after Halloween, it was a wrong idea to go downtown to see people dressed up and enjoying the adult festival. While there, I had to go to bathroom as I was leaving, and found all the bathroom line ups too long to wait for and decided to go to a bar which had small lineup for entrance and use their bathroom.

I ran in to my ex on the way down the stairs I didn’t see him as I was minding the stairs and I heard his voice saying hey, and I looked up, I just didn’t know what to say we hugged and exchanged a few words and he left.

I know I told him not to contact me and I didn’t want to meet him for the duration of going through my sobriety, now I know why, the therapist and the SLAA group strictly prohibited contact with the past.

It’s really tough seeing familiar faces, as you get weak, and are not yourself, and in some cases those were the ones you did wrong or they were the drug of choice for sex or were enablers by providing easy access to alcohol or drugs (not my situation but only example)

It Gets Better

Another it gets Better video, in support of Gay and lesbians, this time by Google Employees with over 300K views its quickly adding up to the voice of chance like the video of Joel Burns which currently being viewed more than 2.3Million times.

Very remarkable stories from every race and gender and sexual preference, i hope you find your true value to hold on to your current rough waters and find support group and get through the tough times

As there are better time and new beginnings waiting a head of you and your are worth it to see it through.

Big hugs and support to all gay and lesbians every where.

MUCH BIG LOVE.

A week in smmary

Today I was contacted by the EX and I told him what I feel, as past two years Halloween was spend with him and now I feel a huge void, and I wonder who he is spending it with and curiosity was taking over me, finally I had to ask what he wants from me, and in response all I got was "for me to be happy"

Sometimes he says a lot about his emotion that he thinks about me and other time he is cold as a wall, I deserve to know what he thinks as he is been reading this blog form the start without me knowing, and knows what’s in my heart and more from poems and dreams that wont stop, but all I go from him was the fact that he doesn't want to justify anything.

Even against what he says that I’ve been good to him while he was down, I feel a huge slap across my face, with every conversation, and finally I asked to be left alone and let me BE.

I felt so hurt form the conversation that I cut my weekend classes short, as I couldn't concentrate anymore, so I came home to rest and just think about the actions I took.

If you’re reading this Mass it hurt to say this, but Stay away from me and please respect my privacy, as I still feel my heart heavy from you and wants to be alone.
You love me in wrong way, even as I haven't treated you any less than gold class.


enough about my emotional roller coaster, which i had to be stern about me wanting distance and emotional stability. as much as it was hard to say it to some one who you love and you have feelings for. but i cant sit any longer wondering what if live for maybes of tomorrow.

Guide your life the way you find it healthy some times it might be the hard road traveled to seek that salvation and it might be feel ugly and it will test you even more on this path but knowing that your sobriety is more safe under that choice is much beneficial than having it threaten your sobriety and trying to keep your self in line.

11th month soberiety

I’ve come in search of the light
A sun that burns so bright

Found myself in moon and back again
I find your embrace cold again

Finding my way home alone
How I wonder you don’t want me any more

Poem by blogger


I passed the 10th month mile stone and moving into my 11th month now. To keep myself in line with my progress, I have had slips in last month, and wasn’t perfect at all that I wanted it to be, but over all I maintained my main bottom line of not having sex.

The other slips included obsessive masturbation to porn and pictures, reading through wanted ads and the willingness to let go of my sobriety to feel alive for a moment of sex or someone else’s touch was beginning to be too much, I went to classes to keep myself in line with progress of learning and support via the SLAA and masturbated to replace and remove those cravings.

I would have to say after a while of being sober of in classes the progress kind of stops, eg: not going to classes regularly or cutting back on your therapy sessions as you think your cured and now your kind of sitting duck waiting for that shut gun to go off again in your head and slippery slide starts which can take you back to your old roots of addiction.

I have stopped my every two weeks therapy session to once a month and, I have cut down to amount of classes I attend from two a week to one a week currently, and it’s been hindering my progress in battle with my sex addictions.

I want to do more but can seem to find the time currently, and don’t want to push myself out of balance with my current schedules and create more stress that I would need to channel in wrong directions.


"God, grant me the serenity to accept
The things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
Thy will, not mine, be done."