Death Calls

I got my Dreaded phone call today regarding my health, the Dr. personally called and said your last test don’t look so good, my health has dropped dramatically below the normal, and once drops this much it won’t go up, but as a double standard I went in today to give blood again for 2nd round of test, and see if there was a miss count.

Its hard hearing from your doctor a bad news especially in my situation where I was hoping I deal with it after my sobriety or after I finish my prep-crourses for university.
There is always wisdom in everything.

I personally was told to go on medication last year, but I have said no due to feeling healthy and not wanting the poisons building up an even a day is I have to.

It is really stress full for me as it marks the significance of my body losing to the battle and the side effects of the medications are not something I look forward to.

I pray for any one going through this and courage to go through it safely and guarded.




The Guardian Angel Prayer
"Angel of God, my guardian dear, to whom His love entrusts me here, ever this day and night be at my side to light and guard, to rule and guide. Amen."

Stronger Chain

My recent sculpture in form of my expression.
its chains that were thrown out and they were rusty and damaged, i washed the rust off and welded them together to be strong enough to support a table, (metaphor of my life story) it turned out to be much more amazing and eye catching than i thought. i cant wait to paint and see the finish product.

like these chain find your weaker links and make them stronger by bonding with it, and making it stronger to stand stress of time and support the weight of other around you and support its own weight.

to update on my situation I'm still sober on my main bottom line and trying ever so hard not to contact the EX, there has been some close calls with chastity in the eyes where i stared at some one in social gathering and it felt awkward and i was trying to stop my self the whole time from imposing my self on them, i want to be sober for few more months before writing new bottom lines to start dating or i should keep sober longer (will consult the therapist over this)

i went to SLAA support group class today, and i learned others behaviors that was something i had never scene, one person was addicted to sugar so they would abuse sugar and junk food and feel bad the next day and would act out in sexual form. there was a new member from out of town who came down to get another class in a week because it was hard for them to move forward this week by just going to one support group class.

the reading was based on 1st step of SLAA

1. We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable.

life becomes unmanageable when a routine has taken over a life and now its in control of you, you might notice this or might not, it would be subtle at first then it would slowly take over you, only an outsider will see your character take this negative change and can call out this character defect for you.
you will see the character defect at first through examples of what you have done, but first sign is discharging it with excuses and denial then slowly you have to accept in order to move forward as you will commit the same acts of character defect over and over and hurt more people in the process.

i noticed that i haven't listed the steps on my blog i will write one with each one and perhaps a short description to help the ones who are still suffering and interested out there.

A week in summary

How I believe the past is vast
Your face was just a dream at best

Telling me it was all a dream
Wake up move on, as hard it seems

But I see your foot prints beside me
In sand of time falling behind you

Poem by Blogger


I had a crazy week, it was mixes of crises and victories, out little bird passed on, and perhaps he was old and found his last home before he wanted to pass on.

it was such a good bird, that made my whole family cry, it was already hand trained and would sit on your shoulder and eat form your hand.

We bought a replacement bird but in no wise are replacing the old one as it’s not yet hand trained and our patience is tested every day.

it’s been crazy for me in the past few weeks since two years date of knowing the EX. and finally this week I ditched the old phone with the help of the therapist, and I’ve stopped reading the old text messages, which were wrong and negative, as much a it helped me keep reminding myself of monster I was, at this stage it wasn’t helping me to find the inner me and I was keeping baggage from the past and reminding myself of options available or not available.

If you’re holding to some things from the past let go in time, like the blanket you keep hugging to find comfort as childhood you have to find a mean to let go before it becomes part of your character.

one thing therapist said that stuck was, in order to fix the character defects and OCD (obsessive compulsive part of addiction) you have to obtain new habits and hobbies and do those over and over to get a new routine on life.

Post your remarks and comments, and take the poll on the right hand side, I really like to know your addiction triggers and crutches.

"It Gets Better"

Fort Worth City Councilman Joel Burns reaches out to GLBT teens with a personal story and a message of hope, The video blog is self explanatory, I like to thank Joel for coming out and making every teenagers life much easier to cope and give them hope as that things will get easier, please stick around, to make those happy memories for yourself" "attitude of society will change" "It Gets Better"

How I want to go back to when I was 13 like in Joel’s speech and know things will get better and happy, but I am still waiting for that day to come.

This video was my “Chicken soup for a gay soul” today it was filled with tragedy and the heroism and victories Joel has had in his life, to create a contrast that life is worth living.

I like to thank Joel again for the video and thank every ones support, I tried calling him to thank him personally but voice mail was full, I think by creating this blog I can share him with the rest of the world.

MrXvX83 user on YouTube recorded a thank you video, where he thanked Joel for saying what he had to say, and remarkably concluded for those leaving negative remarks towards gays that:
"Whoever raised you, they failed you, and they failed you miserably"

Issue and Roots

I had my meeting with my therapist earlier in the week. I recommend a therapist to anyone who doesn’t have a support group or a sponsor and sponsee relation in their AA group.

it has been a long time that I have been a patient of his and wanted to know what he thought over all about my character defect and how I was doing over all, I had never asked, different Dr's practice differently and this one just listens and when he thinks you’re doing something wrong he jumps in there and leaves me with goals to achieve in long term or short terms based on my needs.

So when I asked what he thought about my character defects, he paused and said nothing really out of the ordinary for a sex addict. you (meaning I) sought attention through wrong portals lack of family affection or acceptance drove me to higher measures or quick love and affection, and perhaps you acting out in a relationship was your way of trying to get more attention as well from your partner, and now you’re working on path of building a better education back ground and self esteem to move forward in life and move out I think should be your goal in near future as your family is just there and not supporting you emotionally.

some of all this is true, I am from a different background caught in middle of two generations, my family being tough on education and rules of family ethics, and cultural backgrounds which father and son doesn't show affection or bonding, while in North American culture the family ethics are rarely taken seriously and love and bonding is there if not from the family there will be love from close relatives and cousins which I don't have in my town either.

Not to make excuses but family and immediate family does make a difference in upbringing.

If you don't have family near you or are a small family there is always friends and healthy friendship bonds that can replicate the family and cousins.

family can be part of the issue in addiction but one should be strong and resort to other modes beside the social crutches (alcohol, cigarettes and drugs or in our case sex) as a mode of venting or self expression, because as the need increases so does the compensation and next thing you realize you can’t let go of the pattern that has emerged before you.

Keep going to classes, and quit old habits and form new ones and by doing the new habits over and over the old habits soon will go away, this is basis of recovery.

Whirling Unto A Dervish

Whirling around to find ecstasy
Finding my love, in my eyes to see

Faster I whirled, faster I get there
How long can I turn in this ecstasy?

Finding my balance in tip toe and heel
How long can I kneel to my own addiction

Poem by Blogger



Dervish dance of Sufi, they choose to live in poverty and only have the robes on their back and metal bowl for their belongings on their neck.

A Whirling Dervish is a classic Rumi signature, where their turn to find ecstasy and get closer to go and find spiritual ohm, Rumi started his dervish movement abandoned his family and wife to his wealth, in search to find his gay lover "Shams'e Tabrizi" . rumour that he was killed by the hands of Rumi's sons but he continued on his search from now eastern Iran to turkey, where he wrote many poems and Masnavi's and whirled unto a Dervish till he passed away.

The whirling is a huge tourist attraction even through it’s is only meant to be in form of prayer and meditation.

Some classical writers indicate that the poverty of the Dervish is not merely economic. Rumi, for instance, says in Book 1 of his Masnavi.


Water that's poured inside will sink the boat
While water underneath keeps it afloat.

Driving wealth from his heart to keep it pure
King Solomon preferred the title 'Poor':

That sealed jar in the stormy sea out there
Floats on the waves because it's full of air,

When you've the air of dervishood inside
You'll float above the world and there abide
By Rumi
12 centrury poet
(in my opinion first openly gay poet)


It was his meeting with the dervish Shams-e Tabrizi on 15 November 1244 that completely changed Rumi's life. Shams had traveled throughout the Middle East searching and praying for someone who could "endure my company". A voice said to him, "What will you give in return?" Shams replied, "My head!" The voice then said, "The one you seek is Jalal ud-Din of Konya." On the night of 5 December 1248, as Rumi and Shams were talking, Shams was called to the back door. He went out, never to be seen again. It is rumored that Shams was murdered with the connivance of Rumi's son, 'Ala' ud-Din; if so, Shams indeed gave his head for the privilege of mystical friendship.[27]

Rumi's love for, and his bereavement at the death of, Shams found their expression in an outpouring of music, dance, and lyric poems, Divan-e Shams-e Tabrizi. He himself went out searching for Shams and journeyed again to Damascus. There, he realized:


Why should I seek? I am the same as He.
His essence speaks through me.
I have been looking for myself!



I like this form of poetry as it rhyme and easy to digest as its melody to the ear and food for the soul. In some ways the addiction and the rehab process is like whirling dervish to me where you have to give up everything in order to get there, and find happiness in your self.

A Lost Bird Finds a New Home

I had a great weekend, at home getting better and having elders over and family union, was a great bonding time.

On Saturday as the weather was nice outside, we were sitting out when a parekeette just flew on my Dad's shoulder and it just sat there, all of us were in shock that where did it came from and totally shocked and amazed at the nature.

My dad quickly moved towards the door and into the house with the bird, it didn’t leave his shoulder, nor frightened and if you hold your finger to the bird, it jumps on your finger, its definitely belong to someone but we took it as a sign of great forbearance for it to choose our family and we took him in for two days and announced to our neighbors if it is theirs or know any one that lost a parakeet, but no one came forward, and now we have a new pet bird named “snowball”

Life has its joy,
We just need to live much simpler.

Food and Body Relation

Since the last post I got food poisoning and due to my current illness my body just quit on me, with high fever and vomiting it wasn’t a pretty sight, blessing in disguise that I still live at home and I had my family to take care of me as I have no other to care for or be cared to.

It was a rough few days, as I’m trying to leave work and train someone new, going to work half day to just do email and go home. I still took time to do the night class study in bed and have been staying clear of any communication and contacts.

The food I ate was from a sub-place, kind of comfort food, as I recall sharing on few occasions with the EX, after clubbing or when I was coming over, we had sub-sandwiches together and how pleasant and caring the feeling where then. But this time the feeling that I was trying to recreate, got quickly replaced with sickness and headaches.

I was reading a journal about food and its relation to human brain waves, brain is sophisticated and they are still scratching the surface on what its capable of, the article stated that brain waves get stronger and weaker when hungry and full, some people become stress eaters or others can’t eat because of the stress, some develop relations with a food and related to a moment or activity they incur after easting the food, and by eating that food again they feel comforted and want to have it over and over hence the name comfort food like Mac and cheese, or creamy tomato soup and labels like: homemade or moms recipe on marketed items in the grocery shelves where people relate to strongly back to their child hood or moment where everything was care free or was going well.

The 2 year mark came and passed and I made contact with the EX. not for help perhaps it was to state that he is still in my thoughts, and what I have done wrong still bothers me and I am still sorry for it all.

I have some incurring head aches from the food illness, and should clear up soon. I am going to SLAA classes on Sundays as I feel better and I have my therapist meeting this week to go to as well.

My Tip of the post
keep healthy by eating healthy meals and stay clear of junk food and fast food places, pack a healthy lunch, and low sugar drink and stop the use of social crutches (e.g.: smoking drinking or narcotics)

Ugly Truth

Walking in a fall day feeling cold
Darkness fading but no warmth

Dry fall leaves crackle in my feet
How I only hear your voice than feet

I find my heart convexed and sold
Searing the truth in time is old

Poem by blogger


I was thinking this week, after looking over some old emails and correspondences from the past, that I was trying to tell the truth and how I thought they are painful for him to take and I would leave out bits and part in my telling the truth.

I wasn’t being knave or lying, I honestly cared too much for him and didn’t want to hurt him by saying I was an addict and I couldn’t stop at the time. It was also the thought of losing him where I would say anything to keep him in my arms.

Its personal denial to the fact you are an addict and you need help. Fearing the loves ones near you will abandon you and leave this is a hard matter to handle specially with your love the near ones or perhaps confusing love with neediness, and fear of being alone.

Check with yourself what you’re saying and is it in correlation with your process of recovery and actions. Do you lie to just get by and you lie because you love them either way you have to come to a realization that addict’s actions get worse by lying and only telling the minimum. It feeds the monster inside you and will never let you go.

Tell the truth and be open about your sexuality, keep the ones you love close to you and your trigger points and enemies far, as they will cause relapse in your recovery and down fall to your effort in SLAA.

2 year

Oh, what will I do?
If I can't be with you

Tell me where I will turn to
Where will I be without you?

Now that we are apart
Am I still in your heart?

All I want to do, is run to you
Wipe away these scars

Can you feel the hurt in me?
Will you stay or will I go to sea

Each day I live the role of tides
That you’re by my side at nights

But nobody is there
It’s cold once you were there

Poem by blogger


I have been thinking about this day, 9:25 AM October 4th 2008, for a long time. it’s the minute I started my communication with my EX, 2 years ago today, and lasted for just over a year of on and off relationship, it was a year of roller coaster ride in terms of relationship, a lot of highs and lows and lies and happy moments together, and it was over mostly and mainly because of my addiction to sex and not willing to change.

I was thinking how it was so far away, and what will happen when it arrives?
There has been no day that I haven’t thought about my last relationship and what I did wrong, I beat myself over and over with it, and debated about contacting him and reaching out to him.

Through the therapist, I realized I have caused him enough pain and need to leave him alone, and not to contact him anymore I am beginning to accept the fact and what has happened and there was divine call in some sequences of event for me to realize that the path i was going was wrong, and hurtful to other and mostly to my self.

I still read through the old text, some bad and some good, and haven’t been able to change my phone and let go of them. The negative ones motivate the change in me and remind me of what a dark and horrible person I once was and person that I can be if I don’t continue on my road to recovery.

I’ve been sober for 10 months now and I have found out a lot about myself and what my relationship consisted of in the past. I gained much needed tools and experience to deal with my sexual cravings and have managed to stay away from old protocols and trigger points.

Sometimes I feel like I need to create contact with the EX, pick up the phone and call him or text him, it has been really hard, and harder to stop thinking, thinking about who he is with, how is he doing! I detect when i am starting to fantasize and stop the patterns of negative and none conducive thoughts.

It has not been easy I have paid some heavy prices, like isolation and depriving myself of something which at the time I thought I wanted, and was mixing up my wants and needs and prioritizing them all in category of need, when I just wanted them for my pleasure and gratification. It was all selfish thoughts and never contained any one or thought about any one else in

I am still dealing with my health issue and trying to keep healthy for a bit longer before chemical and medical remedy needs to be an option. Beside my health I am still a sex addict in recovery and have to remind my self on daily basis.

keep sober and find your trigger points, and go to SLAA classes if your dragging your heels and hesitant about starting the recovery process.

Aren't you worth it!

A Week in summary

I am feeling a lot of withdrawal over this past week, some issues over the two weeks’ notice at work, and soon it will be two years that I meet my ex, and in some way my process of recovery got jump started, and I slowly realized that I am an addict.

over my two weeks’ notice at work, I think it’s a good decision, as I will focus more on my school work and try harder for a new job.

Its two years that I started to know myself again, and get to realize that my infidelity was much deeply rooted than just not being able to commit to a relationship.

Addiction never crossed my mind originally, but I thought I can do it on my own originally and then I sought professional help where groups of SLAA came into place.
Even though I was resistant to join the group I finally did and for the first months of sessions.

I quickly jumped from one relationship to another and I screed that one too with my infidelity and cheating, he accepted my addiction but I couldn't do it again and I saw him being questioning of my daily life, and it was over because he knew I still liked Mass. and he tried to ruin him as a stalker.

I took time and stuck to SLAA classes and thought I was cured and called Mass. and tried to start the relationship again another time. It was ok for first few weeks and started again and I relapsed back to my old ways.

All of past year is passing through my thought and how far I have come and still not close to say fully recovered.

I keep relapsing on negative thoughts and no matter how much people around me tell me how “Beautiful “ I am I don’t feel it as I am missing affection and visible love that can’t be replaces from what I once had.

Breaking the Chain

As I had posted months earlier about my job and how it was not being productive towards my recovery, I sought change and new positions, but so far nothing,
Today I have come to realize that this job is not for me all together and I will be quitting at the end of the week.

Its huge step amongst others that I’ve taken, by finding my triggering factors, so far I have cut out

- canceled my Gym membership
- Not going to clubbing and Gay Street
- I have drooped my gay friends on my social media site
- I have Isolated my self to find the trigger points
- stopped talking to any one from the past that I acted out with
- I have closed my luring email addresses and accounts
- Started my coming out process to people who mean allot to me

And most recently, I have quit my job that was enabling me to act out
I have started to focused on my upgrades and studies more at this stage and want to work more on my art and photography.

Find your trigger points, it can be anything from minute to huge, basically visible and invisible, most people experience it at work or home environment, to social lifestyle and friends that you might have enable you to be stuck in your addiction.

Break the chain as your worth it.

Finish Line Is So Sweet

Start line filled with runners like barrage
In line myself for the run with courage

Seeing the horizon appear as mirage
As my heart beats like in triage

I feel like I can run faster and fly
But my body won’t let me be sit n' lie

I felt alive when I finished the run
Another mile stone that my body re-run

I felt alive again with this disease
Like nothing can hold me down suffer in sins

Poem by blogger


I finished the 21km half marathon run over the weekend and my time was respectable 2hr 2minutes, a minute slower than last year but I’m happy with the result specially how my body handled me.

I was not tired at all, my knee was forgiving during the course of the run, and a bit too hot as I dressed too warmly for the cold start time.

This past week I had some challenges over my training with upgrade courses and my work I barely had any time for myself. I got only one run squeezed in with my schedule and I had some slips with contact and craving to act out and feeling of becoming overwhelmed was coming over me.

It started with text of old EX. about a street showcase, which my mind was micro analyzing, why was I being contacted! and who is he with?.
I had to quickly shut myself off from that pattern of through and quickly revoked myself to just one reply in text, and stayed away from open communication.

It was hard but I think I handled myself well with limited reply, as it wasn’t conducive to my thoughts and I didn’t want to feel my curiosity further and be cast in dark shadows over it.

Hope if you’re falling into same patterns of old contact and mismanagement of time and schedules, to stay clear of old habits and stop the anger and let go, stop feeding the curious monster inside, don’t let the hunger get over you, and continue on the road of recovery.

Choose the path that you know you’ll find salvation and abandon the path where you find more hurt.

Pushing My Self to Redline

Pushing myself to the Redline
To see myself cross the finish line

I’m dead to the world with this disease
I feel alive and like others at ease

Joined running pack since there is a goal
To beat the time as my body takes the toll

Poem by blogger


I am getting ready for the marathon run coming up this weekend, I will partake of half marathon, 21 km of relentless running, and I have paced myself for a 10km to 11km an hour, resulting I should finish in 2 hours or less, like my other years.

I have noticed due to my condition, that I run out of energy much quickly and out of breath much faster, and since I haven’t been to the gym because of issues around the sex addiction, I haven’t been able to weight train on my legs, and I feel it a bit on my knees and hips since I haven’t strengthened the core muscles and isolated the weight to go around the joint vs. through it.

it’s hard to void myself of all things that cusses me the addiction relapse and at the same time avoiding the consequences of it to my body and health, I ride bicycle once in a while but it’s not the same as weight in the gym of 250lb leg presses but I guess is some since imp not ready to go back to gym and temptations of others around me.

I still feel like a pit-bull that is a sleep and chained up, and for now I want it to stay that way by dealing with it slowly and untrained myself and train myself again.

Bursting in time

Bubble, bubble, where is the trouble
You only last seconds in this bubble

Glowing with colors, with Hughes of light
How I want to hold you tight

As I reach to you and to say hello
You vanish and leave a halo

Poem by Blogger


This is image of a Bursting Bubble, something that encouraged me to do my burst series in sculptures and welding pieces.
It’s something that no one ever thinks of the moment that something vanishes; it’s so pretty and fascinating that something so beautiful is rarely captured.

As an artist I always look for frames and angles that just leaves me breathless and wow and stunned on how it was done or how this can be!
I fell in love with the bursting moment of a bubble or something in tension and it’s about to burst.

A rose bud has a pressure that builds in side and it’s finally, it’s time to go for good and blooms in such glory and nice colors.

It’s been such a freedom in my own right, to slowly come out of my own shell and accept being gay and telling someone else who I consider friend that I am gay and I’m different.

I have always hide from this and pushed people back because I didn’t want them to know I was different and gay, because of it I filled my live with moment of fake happiness and validation, through sex and one night stands.

I hope if your reading this and your going through a sex addiction phase, you foremost practice safe sex, and secondly try to work on your issues by going to SLAA classes and setting sobriety goals.

Use the links on the light hand side to navigate to any site that you find fitting to your addiction or your substance of abuse of freedom.

You’re not alone.

Starting My 10th Month

You without patience
And I’m without a balance

Balance that I can’t replace
Every one I see fits his grace

I need to move forward
Why does it feel awkward?

Trying to not write back to his text
Why do I feel so vexed?

Poem by Blogger


My time off took me all the way to my art master, to help them unpack and setup the art studio. It was nice to have time for myself and reflect.
I didn’t act out nor did I have the feeling to do it, as I felt busy amongst old friends and new faces.

I had an agenda in my trip, as I feel so close to the art master, I wanted to tell him about my situation and start the coming out process. It was hard; I kept delaying it to next day and next day as excuse to guild up my loins to say it.
Finally the timing was right and I was alone with him at the pool house,

I said
"I need to talk about something important to me"

He said
"Sure go on"

I said
"I’ve had a hard time with this and feel like an outcast from the religious and family standpoint, I feel different and can’t control it any longer.

He stopped me and said
“I consider you as my 5th child and I have known all along or at least guessed it I’m glad that you’re telling me this, there is nothing wrong with you and from religious standpoint you can be gay but can’t be openly gay, and just ask for forgiveness if you feel bad about it.

I said
“I am gay and I see myself finding a partner and being in love, and I enjoy the love and companion of a man but at the same time I don’t want to hide it, it is me and I can’t deny myself any longer, I just wanted to tell you and be honest with you as I feel close to you.

We hugged and he said it will be a right, I cried like a 2 year old after he left the room, and on the drive to town he said your secret is safe with me, and if you need any help I am here, which was really comforting and great.

Most amazing part for me was the fact that he knew, and said your father probably knows too just doesn’t want to make it feel awkward for you by telling you, and my mom not telling him because she is leaving it up to you. He also concluded by saying that I’m not the only one with this issue in this religion, and there are others that have come to him with these type of questions.

It’s a Great way to start my 10th month I think, and I hope for the ones who are still in closet do come out and slowly accept themselves as by lying to people and loved ones around you I felt that a piece of my soul would die.