Goodbye to a ______?

I am happy for you very much

Don't get me wrong so much 

I keep dreaming of u at night as the sun

Love that never ellipse the moon hold on

You’re a gem truly worth to be found

I'm glad for the love that got u bound

Enraptured your heart fills with warmth

Smile and share your heart abode

I'm sorry if I cracked your heart

As it was never in my Card

Know mine is in pieces and Ashes

Please let me be with my past flashes

It's best for us to be apart at this sea

As we never belong to bee you see

I can't live with you keep flashing by

Believe me when I say I love you to say good bye

poem by blogger

call me a Bi$%#?

you call me a Bitch!!! Please
go and recant your self n freeze

i have utmost respect for you now gone
your distant playing pek-a-bo on the Phone

dont text me have some thing to say you call
i dont need your games as of this fall

you dont know what you can be in life
by making $ is not what you retain in life

respect is only human to give
but your not chival and deceive me

don't pretest to be polite and carrying your not
only an old bitter wolf you are to me now got Rott

they say money doesnt make some one better

it just makes who they are much bigger

your personality is distant bitter and masoganistic
now you are just toxic, tainted and abomunistic

i dont need approval from you nor need your bye
save your belated Birth day wishes as years gone bye

poem by blogger

Engineer this!

concrete roses to the heart
a heavy load sank into this heart

flanged this feeling at start
i walked on to you as i knew it was a dart

how i knew we you were a tart
as we weren't right from the start

throwing my self in the ocean of mercy
sinking but no one is there to see

hope you never stay as a lover it hurts
i know your loved with every date

saw you with a young boy other day
and smile on your face like a toy today

hope you wont trash him like you do the rest
keep telling others I had him at his best

distant you are with a cigaret on your face
god have mercy on you as you smell like mace

poem by blogger

Bare These Days

The sky of this city is depressed for days, AHH
But when you come back its vibrant again
Keeping my day bright for that day of you

That day the tree will hold a party
Wiping clean grief tint from bewildering roses

That day when you come back
Winter will be gone from these valleys
Gone the wounded heart pains
Will comes true this dreams

Eyes filled with tears
It’s the day that rain dances
Its happy dance of rain

The day you come home
Plant and pot are friends
Washing the distant past

The day you come back
Distance is only a hug
Patience for you will become a dream that comes to end
The day you come back no more darkness shadows in this heart
The love will come back to my heart

Till that day comes
Fill the house with roses
To replicate your beauty
Bare these days till you come back

Gesture of faith

Your a gesture I can't erase

Your an embrace thats so fierce

 How can I be stuck in a maze

Your here there as your everywhere

And am here amazed

Please God

Please god I surrender

Let there be a mender

Forget it all and mend it

Lose my self and forget it all end it

It hurts so much let it be no more

As I see found his amore once more

I pray for him abundant warmth

Let me be my self once more

I want to feel alive and have a spark

As its all cold and grim in the dark 

Poem by blogger

How you never were

You say it hurt, 2 years see me in love with you
But can’t feel it in your voice over a year without you

I care for you like a lamb in love with the wolf
You let me go and find a way to play with me you tool

Don't promise for a future date, be together tomorrow
As I feel I’m dead and worth less for you today, yet tomorrow


now Hope it won’t hurt like it did to me
As I hate to see you lose a hair you see

To cut myself and bleed when I sleep
a metaphor a hert in pain as leap

I'm glad I filled your ego though these years
Your ego, a bottomless pit, won’t fill with tears,

now go fear god after what you did you sear

Now that you know I'm not over you
I'm glad you have a grin on your face, it glows with you

Karma goes around and I let life decide
What it will decide will be tough, now step aside

Wipe that grin on your face, go and pray
To God forgive you for all you've said till today

Wont you find someone else to screw now
Screw with their mind and let on the street they gone

Hope you get the wrath that's for you, is coming
These ugly seeds are out of me, stop sewing

poem by blogger

How are you? never need to know

I've asked of you many times recently, "how are you?"
But haven't seen you ask me the same question from you

Is it so hard to care or just won’t care for me
I promised myself not to shed for you a tear

As its waste of my soul to break over you, now who's senseless?
Caring loving that I am for you, it’s no more

The me, that you talked to you is gone for sure
How Narcissus you can be?

Put yourself before other is not meant to be
Ungodly to cast aside a humans soul

Here is example of you being distant and cold
When hurts me to see you in pain and sick in cold

Now go as Narcissus you are to me, no no more
Spends eternity with your mirror and entity

PS: Narcissus finally loves a dagger to his heart at the end you see

Poem by Blogger

Reflection

When he comes to me, I am ready.
I'll wash his feet with my hair if he needs.
Forgive him when his tongue lies through his brain.
Even after three times he betrays me.
I'll bring him down, a king with no crown.
Judas look what have you done
My heart bleeds and you think it's fun?

Lyrics from Judas by Lady Gaga


I’ve read these lyrics which are to be released later on the year and found them so powerful and meaningful, perhaps not everyone will get it, but Judas in biblical is one of the 12 disciples who for 30 pieces of silver delivered Jesus into the hand of the authorities to be nailed into the cross.


Update
I’ve don’t a lot in the past month in order to forget the past and move on, but still find my ways in old memories and entangled by them, I’ve joined back at the gym and every time I go to wear my dry fit shirts I remember he once wore the red one and can’t bring myself to put in on.

I’ve joined a few gay dating sites and after being messaged by the EX and I’ve ignored his messages though out this, but again it was hard to realize how freely he is looking and it perturbed me for a few days and I was upset about it.

This past month I’ve fully come out to my family to gain a support and their understanding of me being gay no more hiding and no more being in closet at least at home.

Over all it was an ok month with celebration of the spring and seeing old family and relatives rejuvenated the roots and since of belonging.

I’ve been asked for more painting from the art gallery which I’m in the midst of putting them together and updating the website with, its empowering to see other appreciate my art and brings a big self worth to me with their kind words and support.

Refresh your thought and actions and make sure what you do is best in line with your own interest and your own well being, as others are merely there as decoration and if you feel good they will only extend that more and if you feel terrible and down they will only make it that much worse.

Bring yourself to account each day,
And if you don’t cast a shadow you’re not standing in the light of someone who adorns you.

Spring has Spung

Happy Spring and Easter

in out most cultures dating back to BC they celebrate the coming of the spring as a natures cleansing and refreshing and rebirth of the new cycle.

amazing you find that in almost every culture but yet its so disconnected from each other and every tribe or culture or country calls it differently and hold it guarded to their own.

but all eminent that humans evolution would peak in the spring with the warmth and the sprout of the green growing everywhere and making it visible that the new year has come.

the same can be read in many cultures with rebirth waiting and one should put aside the headache and pains and let there be peace to start the spring and new year with new sprout and new branches to.

so find that inner spring in you nourish it and know that the new day is here, open up the windows do the spring cleaning spritually and get ready for a great year a head.

Happy new year (coming of spring) and happy easter.


"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against "
Poem by Rumi

belloy2k

February Update

With all this pain I measure
Compass in me points to a treasure

It’s never good to measure the pain
But yet you'll never get to this treasure

Finding myself in line with this pain
Can’t complete life not having closure is this pain

I had fallen onto a path of lesion
And was all drained and in corrosion

I’m better but feeling this pressure
Matter how life sustains pain of this trash

Now I’ve started my life so fresh
Thank you for making me feel momentum of That Crash

That day I lost you in the smash
Slow mode plays in my head so fresh

What I lost that day was a true treasure
But I feel the pain I still measure

Poem by blogger



I was with an old friend this past weekend, whom I had not seen for over 3 years, we had lunch and when he asked, how’s my love life, and my response was I’m still trying to get over some one, he assured me I’m still a catch but as much as I don’t feel it inside and still hide myself from getting hurt it was nice to have an old friends support on my side for a change.

He encouraged me to come out to rest of my family and be open to myself and embrace the gay life and just be me.

I guess in some cathartic way I had a break through by talking to this friend and when we talked about my conversations about the EX and drained myself of the emotional attachments and talked openly, he said don’t wait for a promises of tomorrow as his view was it will never come, people drift apart and find others, you should do the same and don’t just sit there and wait for the promises as it sounds like it’s never coming.

I wrote this Poem Crash to just put things in perspective that I was in a crash meteorically that relationship collided, and the love I had dies there and it would be much easier to move forward officially and stop contacting and be emotionally or socially supportive of the EX, as I don’t get the same support or feel like an outcast when I contact him and feel no love and restraint from him.

It hurts for mostly to play back his voice in my head that there is no love there is only feeling of care, and maybe well be together in the future.
But I guess its some people capacity to just brush it off by not having enough clarity of what their words exactly mean or articulate feelings.

The only word of wisdom I can give is to follow what you feel and try not to mask it or grab the ends of what you like and just let go of the feelings you don’t find so appealing.
Don’t be fooled by promises of the future as it doesn’t help your Addiction or yourself steam and self power while waiting to cash that promises of future.
You will be utterly disappointed when that day never comes or the fact you might have missed something special while waiting.

love

To the God of love and affection above
How in the dark Hrs I fly to you as a dove

To hug you tell you heart to heart,
I have a complain of your creator heart

With all bounty of people around me
My heart is taken and hidden from me

Shameful to be less thankful to thee
But here I have a broken heart you see

Complain of a love that never got returned
How I pulled myself though and burned

Now I’m waiting, living for today
And my love is promised for a tomorrow’s day

Like the air that never releases oxygen
Unto a water that never had hydrogen

Now I’m gasping in this tank of life
God wont you give me another chance in love


Poem by blogger



Happy Valentine ’s Day, it’s been a rough uphill and now trying to live one day at a time, and do what’s best for me and my health.

Trying to be an introvert is hard while you’re caring for an external soul that never recognizes or appreciated the assistance and the how much you cheer for them, it feels like a one hand that is trying to clap without having the other.

I would suggest to pull through the dark hours and see the best in the worst situations and carry on less burden on your shoulders and fill it with joy and smile and be happy as things will start to look up again and soon as your worth it.

January Update

Easy as you come
Easily you’re gone

You live so numbingly
I am in my sobriety

Here I am as jumped in front of a train
But you cheer the train on to me

I’ve said I love you so much that it bleeds
You said put the blade to your veins it bleeds faster n fleen

I’ve seen myself go tough the pain with pills
But all I see is you drifting farther entails

You cared less for me as I care more for you
You are priceless to me and I’m only worthless to you

My head on these train tracks, sounds like trom trom
Like your heart beat as my head once on your chest heard drom drom

How it feels like happiness lost in this melody
As I don’t see the train just as I close my eyes in parody

Inspired Poem
By blogger



I have been very focused on my studies for the past month and I’m going to my exam with high 90 percentile average.

January been cold month, I started my natural therapy for my illness and during the therapy its hard and painful, and very emotionally and physically draining, leaving the place tired and exhausted sitting in the chair for 1 to 2 hrs, sometimes wish there was someone there with me for support, but I guess it’s part of walking alone.

I came across a great line this month, WE ARE WALKING WOUNDED as a person who feels so much pain from day to day basis it was essence of my soul, that I feel wounded and but I’m still trying to move forward, like a butterfly that twirls around the candle in adoration knowing it’s too hot but the butter fly gets closer and closer, even after losing its tentacles it should leave, but will fly close and closer till joins with its love of flame and becomes one.

At times I feel like the butterfly and the candle that I keep going back to the Ex, I had communications with him this past month and it was hard keeping the distance knowing he was sick and ill, I asked how he was and gave him pointers to take care of himself and I realized though all the text of past week he didn’t ask me once, except on my last one which was going to be my last one as I felt awkward and unwanted as he never asked how I was doing.

though the conversation he said something that after my therapy session it came out that he was letting me down gently, he said that maybe in future one day well be together, it was as first hard to hear and live for a hope of tomorrow, as it feels being unwanted today, but I realize that he was letting me down slowly and perhaps realized how much I have been hurt and wanted to give me a closure, and though talking with him I realized that I still haven’t forgiven him fully, I did partially to make him feel better with what he was going through but not fully.

Recently I came across a beautiful girl whose story touched my heart, she is gorgeous orthodontist, very young and highly achieved at her age, gorgeous smile and very beautiful figure which could get any guy she wants, very confident at first and appealing, then I started to open up and so did she, and by the end of the conversation she said, she had dated a man for 3 weeks and known him for two months and she’s been in therapy for 9 months now ever since, I hugged her and I said I know how you feel and it’s hard to move forward and told her about my progress in SLAA and writing out my feeling in form of a blog, and you get much lighter doing so. She is going to give it a try and see if it works for her.

Amazing that WE ARE WALKING WOUNDED is true and to what extend we show our true in side and how much of it is just a mask and how we deal with emotional crisis in order not to make ourselves look vulnerable and captured by emotional anorexia.

Keep liberating yourself from shackles and emotional anorexia, express your feeling instead of swiftly dismissing it or doubting other peoples quality from what you’ve observed in the past, make a continues effort to love without expectations, live your life with less negative and start incorporating more good energy as more good will come your way.

You’re worth it.

My Last Post

My last regular posting, I will post with poems and if i find something relevant to SLAA. so one year came to a close, After my one year journey through my sex addiction and finding my weak point and starting to deal with bigger issues that i though were never there.

Sex addiction is more difficult to diagnose and when diagnosed its hard to treat, the only method worked for me was willingness to change my life and be healthy and achieve the goals i make, not be troubled or gravitated by negative aspects of social stigma of my health or my sexual preference.

hope the links on the side as well as my post about my experiences help you on your journey towards recovery and lasting sobriety, keep going to support groups have a sponsor or a Dr therapist, as you are worth it and things do get better.

Biggest hugs, and well wishes again to all
and remember your not alone and your worth it.

Your Eyes

your eyes, your lines
they make diamonds envy n' cry

your face your grace
makes the moon pale 'n hide its face

as you smile, for a mile
whole world gets brighter for a while

you hugs your arms
makes my heart melt like butterflies

your kiss your lips
makes me weak, wonder am i missed

he is beautiful, so beautiful
as i miss him every day

Poem by blogger



New year is just around the corner, and i broke my contact barrier yesterday by texting him this poem, i couldn't stop, the silence was getting louder and i had to say how i feel though the poem.

hope the new year brings every one a happy and joyful synergy and filled with sobriety and happiness in all your efforts and ordeals.

200th post

Over 1500 visits in past year
from 37 countires visiting the site so far
1.9 page per visit
2:13 minute average time on site
64% new visitors
58% bounce rate (meaning they use the link on site)

these are vey encouraging numbers as i close my one year of blogging here,
i wish you all, the best in life and good luck in your soberiety and fight with your addiction, may god be with you and most importanely know that your not alone and evey one is dealing with this issue.

My baby Angel

Oh Angels of God,
From heaven so bright
watching beside him
lead Him aright
Fold your wings round Him
and guard Him with love;
Softly sing songs to Him of heaven above.
Amen.

Its going to be a Good LIfe

Oh this has gotta be the good life
This has gotta be the good life
This could really be a good life, good life

Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight
Like this city is on fire tonight
This could really be a good life
A good, good life

Hopelessly, I feel like there might be something that I'll miss
Hopelessly, I feel like the window closes oh so quick
Hopelessly, I'm taking a mental picture of you now
'Cuz hopelessly, The hope is we have so much to feel good about

Oh this has gotta be the good life
This has gotta be the good life
This could really be a good life, good life

Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight
Like this city is on fire tonight
This could really be a good life
A good, good life

Oh yeah
Good, good life
Good life
Ooh

Listen
My friends in New York, I say hello
My friends in L.A. they don't know
Where I've been for the past few years or so
Paris to China to Col-or-ado

Sometimes there's airplanes I can't jump out
Sometimes there's bullshit that don't work now
We are god of stories but please tell me-e-e-e
What there is to complain about

OneRepublic - Good Life
re-Quote



I listened to this song today and little tears just forming in my eyes, I think my contact was on too long (no I don’t wear contacts), and as my sobriety anniversary is today, this song really captures every feeling I have, from the my moments that I feel foolish and hopeless to my victories and triumphs over my addiction so far which I find really boosting my self confidence.

The only key or tip I can give to who's struggling out there is that you’re not alone and change doesn't happen overnight, I have been struggling with it since 2006 and in 2007 I took another shook with my health but I never saw the alarms till I this train wrecked life and destroyed my own relationship and finally came to realize that this train is out of it tracks and needs to change, and took a good two years now that I am trying to be back on track. And so far I am doing much better and proud of what I have been able to abstain from and achieve in the past year.

From here on out here is to good life, good good life.

For Your An Angel

was invited to a Christmas dinner with the church people whom i worked on the cross and they said this prayer that was so beautiful and wished that there was an angel out there that could hear my voice and come to my rescue.

we live out lives in circles wondering when we will find that magnetic counter part that will ether burst with us or combine with us to create a bigger bubble.

tomorrow is my 1 year sobriety and tonight was the night that i went to bathhouse and saw what i saw and changed my life ever since, perhaps to be more great full and thank the people who pushed the greatness out of me like squeezing and orange.

even though they didn't really stick around for support nor to see me through, it was a tough journey and constant test through tribulations and mystic and quite journey, where you seek answers and want to be told the truth about your thoughts but people just want to play the time card of you'll know in time

i guess in some psychotic way as i cant steel this morning its right time will only tell and time can only judge.




St. Gabriel
An Angel Prayer for others

O loving messenger of the Incarnation, descend upon all those for whom I wish peace and happiness. Spread your wings over the cradles of the new-born babes, O thou who didst announce the coming of the Infant Jesus.

Give to the young a lily petal from the virginal scepter in your hand. Cause the Ave Maria to re-echo in all hearts that they may find grace and joy through Mary.

Finally, recall the sublime words spoken on the day of the Annunciation-- "Nothing is impossible with God," and repeat them in hours of trial--to all I love--that their confidence in Our Lord may be reanimated, when all human help fails.
Amen.





Prayers Angel

Happy Holidays

Dear Santa

As a Kid I believed in you so much
Waiting for that magic touch

But my family religion as much
Couldn’t see you, so a common hutch

Always looked through neighbors porch
Admiring the Christmas tree so much

Waiting for you to arrive in an arch
Wondered if you ever land on my roof in March

Now I’m grown up with no one to call my crutch
Only wish you make someone special an arch

Give him all he wants and ever more loving touch
So he won’t feel so out of love and such

Don’t forget to give him a big MUUAACH

Poem by blogger


Tying to be politically correct and wish a happy holiday, couldn’t resist writing my first even dear Santa letter, as summarizing my childhood memory of around Christmas as we didn’t celebrate it and there we a Christian in our neighborhood to whose hour I would curiously look to around Christmas.

This is picture of Christmas cactus, we have had it for years and all way blooms pink flowers around this time of the year since I was posting a holiday greeting I thought it was very fitting to say happy holidays with a flower that always remembers the joyful time of the year and adds some color.

Have happy and safe holidays, to everyone.