End of Movember

(Movember)November is now the official month for prostate cancer, with guys growing their mustache for the whole month to raise awareness and collect money for the cause.

some news suggest 19 million was raised which is huge for the cause and other celebrities this month are stopping their tweets and blogs to raise 1M before they start their tweets and blogs, from fans and media.

As long as it’s for a good cause id say good for them.


I’m trying to reach my 200th post by the end of my 1 year sobriety and celebrate a mile stone before starting another one,

I am already thinking on the other one and haven’t really tied myself to anything at this stage, after all its will be 2011 and another year will began.

My sobriety is intact and have had no immediate threat to it, finished my exam, with flying cooler and waiting for my report,

While taking a compressed advanced math course as well for winter which is starting this week. Its every day so keeps me on my toes and busy for the duration of the month.

Keep your sobriety in check and get used to the rhythm of life as you like it and find it healthy.

Heart

When you love someone badly
It hurts deep inside when you’re a part

When you’re madly in love with them
You’ll do anything and walk a thousand mile

This piece is for ever taken up by them
With their voice, face and their beauty

It cannot be sold, bought or broken
Not given away and occupied by others

It’s the heart that won’t judge
Its heart that lives forever


Slam poetry by blogger

Last year today

11 months a go today, I went to the bathhouse and I remember acting out and feeling terrible, and I meet an old friend of Mass who was there and who has a Boyfriend, he didn’t recognize me and I walked away without explaining anything to him.

But that day keeps playing in my head, and the pain that the boyfriend would have felt to know where he is or what he was doing. It still fresh in my head and I’ve motioned this earlier on my blog of sobriety.

I’ve been thought the street where the bathhouse is and have watched people walk in through this alley way to the door, and have asked good to give me the strength to keep me on my sobriety, and my faith in myself and to not waiver.

I’m counting down the days for my 1 year sobriety, and now that its only 30 days left I feel at ease that is easy now but I want to keep my guards up for now and keep myself strong and continue help others as they are still blinded by the sparkles and light of meeting someone new on daily basis.

It was just a Dream

Closed my eyes wishing to gods
Wishing that I see you in my dreams tonight

As thinking of you smiling in bed
Putting myself to sleep rocking in bed

Hallow that you appear inside
Come forward and smile out of sight

Held my hand as walked an endless shore
Can’t forget that once you called me a whore

I open my eyes n' awake
As it was just a dream

Poem by blogger


Yea as the poem these dreams are still constant and I find myself going to bed thinking about him or wondering why he is still so distant, or was that rude to ask him to stay away (in which he has). I don’t know the answers, I’m just thinking out loud here.

Life is up and down completed some of my courses this week and I have 91% on one of my courses, I am static of that achievement. then my health kicked in and I’ve started to throw up and can’t hold my food down, I went back to my family physician and they have advised me a full blood work, and he diagnosed that I probably have to go on pills to put a cap on my health issues, and keep it under control.

I’ve been miserable thinking of future and how this will be with me forever, and I read the email of the HPV lady who said I have a great courage to get out of bed and carry forward, it helped but not greatly.

I still feel upset about my health and how it’s getting to a point to be on chemical pills, I have tried everything on my power to keep it under control but that faithful day will come when I have to take on the pill and class of cold water to wash it down. Mostly what I’m scared of is the side effects of the pill and the time it takes to get my body used to the idea of absorbing the pill.


keep your emotions under control don’t act out as you find no happy moment currently as it will pass and you’ll have your moment of happiness, stop pondering about the past and perceive the future happy and colorful. I know it feels that my words fail in my actions but I am only trying to be a better person.

Keep doing what you’re doing, follow your instants and your gut, and make the judgment that is well baseman’s you. As you’re worth it.

Cliped Branch

Clipped off this branch
Where it was beautiful standing

Dumped this load off my heart
Where once hide a big ugly scar

I saw your face stone cold
Your heart shut out from mine n’ done

i tried to get to you but you were gone
Walking away with no aim and tone

Blood dripping leaving a trail
How I wonder if you’re behind this rail

Poem by blogger


It’s been a hard week that all I have to say,

I keep praying and keeping my distance from my ex and he is not contacting me anymore, the distance is productive and somewhat destructive.




"God, grant me the serenity to accept
The things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
Thy will, not mine, be done."

Weight Of This Chain ..... Called Life

I recently meet an HPV person through the support group, this person was miserable and felt that there was no hope to live with HPV and it was the end of the line and didn’t see past the condition they had.

HPV is a virus that mainly affects females and males are carriers of the disease, it causes cervical cancers in long term and causes skin bubbles and blisters.
It is mostly treatable and can be treated with care within two year.

when I noticed how miserable they were with their crisis I couldn’t help it but to tell them about my situation and how much worse theirs could have been, after hearing my story they said how do you find the courage to get out of bed and admire how you carry yourself as of nothing is wrong and here I am depressed and almost no hope.

my reply was short, I was there and even much deeper in my depression and I channeled them in wrong directions and tried to cope with my pain, and I find that life moves forward and you have to take the shortest route in order to get over life’s obstacles and get your life back on track as your happiness can be just around the corner.

so if your reading this and you have some sort of STD (Sexually Transmitted Disease) or STI (Sexually Transmitted Infection) ranging from HPV, HIV or AIDS, cancer or other illness through sex or life style, look forward to what you have achieved in life and gather the love around you and built a tower where you can lean on for a moment and gather strength and march forward, this can be short term or long term of a year or two, but know your worth it and its only a test for you to pass and get better in life.

in my sobriety I have about one more month left to finish my 1 year sobriety, it’s been hard the past few weeks with no contact with my EX, I feel he drifted off and no longer wanted or seen, and today I realized that my flowers in the past and the Christmas tree and the recent flower I left for him were alarms for him to notice me and say something back or know that I want him in my life.

I don’t know how to turn off the thought patterns around him, so far I am busy with school and applications for university and final exam week coming up shortly, the pattern of being busy is there but so is the thoughts of past and present.

I try to take it one day as a time and gather strength to march forward.

Helping others

Waiting for you to come by
As I miss you so much n' cry

Come and tell me n' say this
How this gap is a big mistake

I waiting in surreal of fall
Walking felling so small

This dream was not supposed to break

Poem by blogger


starting the 12th month, and coming so far in my sobriety, and taking one day at a time has been so far helping me keep a steady tack of the addiction and by going to SLAA classes on Sunday and on Tuesdays when I can has helped me grow both emotional spiritually, in capacity of wisdom and understanding others and myself.

it is not essential to help others as we are struggling but this week I couldn’t help it when I saw a young woman in her early 30s struggle to cope with her break up, she is a single mother and her husband broke up with her, because he was cheating and didn’t want to stop, so she left him and when she was about to be engaged to a guy that she found her Ex came back into her life and told her that he has feelings for her, she broke up with the fiancé and went back to her old husband, months later thing are a mess and she is moving out again.

she was caught up in cycle of abuse and love addiction that she was in tear and lost, I printed her the 40 question on SLAA addiction and gave them to her, with promises and what she should do in order to get her life back in track she came back to me and said, I think I have a problem my sex life is ruling my real life.
I said I know it’s hard to justify the big difference and sometimes the lines become blurred but with this test now you know what part of your life needs improvement and if your love for your husband is real for is based on just sex and love that is one way.

she thanked me and left, but I’m wondering how many people have these problems in their life and don’t know where to turn to in their abusive relationship or manipulation romances that they get involved in.

Sybllic Moment, And Over Coming Fear

Screams calling every where
Yelling echo’s like don’t care

Eyes filled with tears away
That was year ago today

These steps stained in tears that day
Flowers to cover the stains away

Almost a year not seen you face
Flowers can’t compete with your grace

I’m sorry for all that happened that year
Hope these flowers get to you today

Poem by Blogger


on the 16th, one year from the intervention, I couldn't resist and I took 24 flowers to his door steps with a card and wanted to leave it on his front door, but with the homeless on the street collecting wine bottles and the fact he never got my last bunch of roses I left for him, I knocked on the door.

didn't stay long and just told him that it bothered me and it was with me the fact this door was shut on me one year ago, he said I don’t deserve the flowers but I said your beautiful and do deserve them,

I turned down his invite to come into his house and talk, and said I had to leave, the therapist is going to crawl up my front and down my back when he finds out that I did this, as last weeks leading up to the anniversary he said it’s not a good idea to do this and don't go over there ridiculing yourself again. It won’t achieve anything.

I have no agenda for what I did, for me it was symbolic, and special over coming feat to knock at his door, a year ago that door was shut on my back so hardy to resemble it will never open for me again, I wanted to be there a year later standing with flowers when he open the door.

Whats a Year

Poem 1
Black black door
How I wonder more

Did you make it shut on me?
Did you see behind your door?

Did you tell him how much I went by?
How many flowers I laid and cried

Will you rather keep it in you?
Or it’s secret for you to keep for two

Tell me so I wonder no more



Poem 2
How long is a year?
Ask me as I’m without love

How does it feel to be shut out?
Ask me as I’m cold outside

How does it feel to cry?
Ask me as my eyes are dry

How does it feel to shiver?
Ask me as I’m walking in the rain

How long is this journey?
Till I find my answers
tell me as i need to know

Poem by Blogger


Today is one year that that the intervention happened but it was a loveless intervention making me realizes what will occur when you break a bong.

I was shown the door as soon as I stepped outside it was loudly shut to resemble it will never will be open to me at all, there was loud yelling and screaming from him and me on the floor crying and not being able to cope of the anxiety of being without him again.

no one will understand the pain that I have carried this far, and no matter how much I look for answers I keep getting pushed back,
no I haven’t made peace with it all, and instead I’m trying to write it out of my life by doing poetry and art, it’s some was a self destruction in order to find my foundation to rebuild myself on, as I don’t accept the person who I was and I love my self who I am today.

You’re not alone, welcome to the 12 months without him as much as it feels like there is staple on my heart, I am not willing to create a contact and see any one at this stage, I’m happy with my studies and school work for now to excel myself and be permanently happy versus temporary happiness via others.

Granade Of My Life

Soon it’s going to be a year that faithful day of being thrown out of a house of someone who I love dearly.

It has changed my life ever since, I struggled at first and I have discovered my weaknesses and allot of my character defects and what provokes me to be the way I am as a sex addict.

I am currently in therapy and support group of SLAA and monitoring myself daily weekly and month to be on track.

I have cut a log of thing out of my life including my EX, going to gym and contact with people who I acted out with, and by eliminating all of these I have been able to keep my 10 and half month so sobriety so far.

Just know you’re not alone and keep strong as you’re worth it.

Dream of a Dream

I want to wake up
I feel I can’t hold up

Shaking as it feels real
Feeling that tear that won’t heal

How long will I be alone?
Till I feel a warmth again

Dreams leave me cold
But when I see you I feel warmth

How I close my eyes to dream of a dream
Dream to see you looking at me

Poem by blogger



I do believe in power of a dream but don’t know where these dreams are leading me, I want to contact my Ex who I keep dreaming about and tell him every detail but I want to hold true to my contact barrier for now.

my next to last dream, I dreamed that I can see he was a sleep and holding his head up and sleeping, he began to loudly snore and when I wanted to wake him up, he fell over the bed and shattered in to pieces, I went over the bed to collect and put him together and I woke up

I told him about this dream and he said he can’t sleep and is stressed at work.


my recent dream was a bit more bazaar, I saw he was getting married and I was in the church, and he was with someone wearing a white dress, and when the priest asked if anyone has anything to say, he turned around to look at the crowd, and I put my hand out and wanted to yell out loud, but no one could see me moving my arm or could hear my muffled sound.

I woke up with tears on my face as it felt so real and painful to see him with someone else,
I tried to decipher it on my own and look up the meaning but nothing came through but negative and bad explanations so far.


"God give me the strength to get through my sobriety"

Hardest Decision Of All

I have been meaning to Blog at least once every two days but finding it hard to get around doing that with work load of school, and exams back to back.

I finally finished my applications for Universities, mainly I have selected ones outside of the major metro Politian, as I don’t want to be here with the distractions of both family and quick availability of sexual tension and urges to test my sobriety with.

I am doing well in school marks are well above 70 and 75 and will increase from here, as the rest is mostly assignment based and final exam.

I did something this week that I kind of regret but I think over the course of my recovery I will see the wisdom of its benefits, I asked my ex to sop contacting me, not because I didn’t like it or I hate him for anything, I still like the guy and very dear to me, but when he sent me a text, or a way of reaching me my mind would run a mile a second wondering where and what he is doing, and why am I being contacted, quickly I find myself enraptured with thoughts and feelings that didn’t exact and all was fabricated over a text.

I hope I made a good decision and have not hurt his feeling over this, as that wants my intension, and if I may be selfish but over all I don’t want to hurt him again.

it was a hardest decision I have ever made and I want to stick to it, I know I have said this before and have broken my contact barrier with him and has been destructive both for me and I guess for him as well to think of me and text.

I guess today’s lesson would be to keep track of what is triggering you and what bothers you in your sobriety and avoid it or cut it off, it might be hard but soon you’ll see a new tranquil conscious within yourself that you’ll find ohm and stepping stone towards healthy lifestyle.

"God Grant me Strength"

Love the way you .....

Come sing thing to me
Whisper me to bed

The first day or our story
Future seemed so golden then bad

As this shadow came long
And became so evil on it all

Were still apart
Suppress all after 2nd bad start

Even angles get broken wings
And fall from such height

But you’re always my hero
As were still apart

Inspired poem
Written by Blogger


I had a tough week so far, trying to move forward after Halloween, it was a wrong idea to go downtown to see people dressed up and enjoying the adult festival. While there, I had to go to bathroom as I was leaving, and found all the bathroom line ups too long to wait for and decided to go to a bar which had small lineup for entrance and use their bathroom.

I ran in to my ex on the way down the stairs I didn’t see him as I was minding the stairs and I heard his voice saying hey, and I looked up, I just didn’t know what to say we hugged and exchanged a few words and he left.

I know I told him not to contact me and I didn’t want to meet him for the duration of going through my sobriety, now I know why, the therapist and the SLAA group strictly prohibited contact with the past.

It’s really tough seeing familiar faces, as you get weak, and are not yourself, and in some cases those were the ones you did wrong or they were the drug of choice for sex or were enablers by providing easy access to alcohol or drugs (not my situation but only example)

It Gets Better

Another it gets Better video, in support of Gay and lesbians, this time by Google Employees with over 300K views its quickly adding up to the voice of chance like the video of Joel Burns which currently being viewed more than 2.3Million times.

Very remarkable stories from every race and gender and sexual preference, i hope you find your true value to hold on to your current rough waters and find support group and get through the tough times

As there are better time and new beginnings waiting a head of you and your are worth it to see it through.

Big hugs and support to all gay and lesbians every where.

MUCH BIG LOVE.