Surrender

Surrendered to feel less pain
Surrendered but you still pulled the trigger

Drowned my self to save my dignity
Drowned at this sea so i wont ask for any help

Died to the world so you find happiness
Died in your arms without your care

Died in pain and drowned in misery, didn't help me
I hope the next person is better than me


Dear Blog
Still thinking about my Ex, on daily basis, some times i have to chaise the thoughts away and push my self to get over him, i feel its a huge threat to my soberness and will cause me to act out in order to feel leveled in my angry feelings that i have towards him.

i was spring cleaning today, and realized how much house cleaning i did when i stayed with him, from back yard and the balconies to vacuuming the house and cleaning the oven fully, it wasn't my duty nor something that i would do regularly, i just felt connected enough in my heart to do these house choirs, and perhaps it was my way of saying sorry for the things i did in the past.

when I'm in pain i don't have the need or desire to act out but when my pain turns into anger i know i have to watch for my actions and carefully thread as i will be walking on thin ice and it all can go down the drain.

one thing i do to get over the anger is self love and self accomplishments as it feels comforting to see a tangible goal or self love including family love to support me through tough times.

I've been sober on my main bottom line for 2 month and exactly 2 weeks now and i haven't masturbated for 3 days and i am proud as i haven't watched porn for 3 days that includes not reading wanted ad's.

i hope all sex addicts find their absolute surrender moments and be in peace in their recovery, as i know its hard and challenging in every level.

"keep Coming Back"