Anger is Coal (part 2)

Today I was thinking a lot about both the trip and the convention, and how I can handle myself during the family vacation part but I kind of doubt myself while in Chicago.

I recalled being in Chicago in 2002, which some gay friends of mine which now are no longer close friends, I had scheduled for a few sex here and there while they were going for food sampling for their company and so on, and recalled the gay district "boys town" and how tempting it would be not to check it out.

I will come up with a plan to do something to pass my time there, like going and visiting the famous Chicago shiny Bean or the sears tower or the shopping district in downtown core.

I masturbated today at work, because of the temptation there and the quick way of finding sex there, I didn't reply to anything but I failed in distracting myself until I masturbated, then I didn't look for it or search the web things just came for relax and I could get back to regular routine of my work and I looked up tourist destination and places to see while there versus other stuff.

Also i was thinking about my actions in Florida and though that i was invisible and no one could see my action as Ive explained on blog about the "Rotten Mask" i though i would never find love or the fact that i didn't deserve any attention or love and i wanted to control the sex and love in my relationship, and mostly finding something potentially long lasting wasn't a thought in my head but at the same time i didn't want to be alone!

basically i want the sex addicts reading this to find out their true sense of weakness and control that weakness by not giving into its demands, also by not acting out and going through a sobriety phase to see if its manageable before becoming sexually active, otherwise it will be constant relapse and you wont see where your actions were wrong in the past.

I am still sober for 3 months and almost 2 weeks now, and haven't contacted any one either for sex or liaison.

"Keep coming back"

Terrible Dreams

lately with the pressure of my health and the trip to Europe, and if that wasn’t enough I was just told today that, after coming back from my vacation I will have to cover at a convention like the one in Florida last year.

In 2008, after a few weeks that we were dating I was send to convention in Florida, from work we drove down and the plan was to drive back. But I changed my plans I rented a separate apartment and stayed a few days longer and flew back. It wasn’t just sex that was on my mind, I went clubbing and shopping by myself, and I just enjoyed being free like I was in Israel. I did have sex with a couple of people and even though I felt bad about it he was on my mind.

The trip in Florida was a mess not a vacation at all, I hurt him, myself and there was no enjoyment that lasted to this day. It was all momentarily and faded, but the hurt and anguish still haunts me to this day.

While in Florida and on one of my shopping trips I saw a watch that was like the one he saw back at home, and I got it for him, in a nice leather box, to this day he has never seen the box that it came in, but knows that I bought it for him from Florida. I’ve given him the watch in 2009.

I see now that what I did in Florida was wrong going after my weak spots and giving into my jealous side and temptations, and only thing that made me do it was the fact that perhaps the relationship wasn’t based on truth and honesty and it was leaning ever more so towards the dark side of lies and cover-ups.

now with my vacation and work trips to Chicago is coming up, the stress levels are mounting, not because of work or too much things to do, I just fear that this trip I will be alone have my own room and time to kill, time that will be testing me in every level. I will bring it up on my upcoming therapy session with my Dr. and how to occupy myself more so I won’t be losing my sobriety and my main bottom line.

in lieu of all of this I keep having bad dreams about acting out, or having sex, I don’t really see who they are, but some of them are him and others are strangers, I wake up feeling aggravated and tired mentally, yet another thing to check in with the therapist on my next session.

"Keep coming back"

Anger is Coal

There are two types of anger, one latent and other instantly, and the lasting factors could be long or short, depending factor of the anger and how much it affected the person.

For me during these past 3 months I have monitored my levels especially when I get upset through finding myself lonely and tired from the course of my sobriety.

I now have high cholesterol level, at my age? Even with my daily trainings and runs, yes. It all source from my deep anger and upsetting relationship that to this day gets to me, he is constantly on my mind and wish I could turn him off.

Sometimes I want him back so bad, others I resent him terribly, all depends what passes through my mind and what comes up in my thought. My physician has ordered me to slow down and reduce the stress, be happy during course of anger and when upset cheer myself up.

I try to do that but, doesn’t work, heart want what the heart wants, and I can’t seem to turn this coal into diamonds yet, and pressure mounting as time is elapsing and soon will be 5 months that he is gone and as this gap is getting wider I am getting scared that I will never see him again.

I didn’t go to my yesterday class as I was doing my DVD exercise and I was into the moment that by the time it finished I was too tired to move. I will go this Sunday to make up for the Tuesday class I missed.

I am still sober on my main bottom line of not having sex with any one and not creating contact or contacting any one from the past, also I have managed to stay away from the ads for the past few days, but have masturbated to porn, lately I am focusing on the trip and finding a flat to rent and what to do while there with the family.

"Keep coming back"

Rotten Mask of Addiction

The mask of addiction is very loving and dear to the addict, as the addict harbors and lives under the mask, its feels like a co-living arrangement that one finds comfort in other, to part with it is to reveal the true person under the addiction. Most addicts feel that they have no character that will define them, or feel shallow that they will resort to their addiction and seek comfort with it.

some addicts choose social crotches such as smoking, drinking or drugs, but some will suffer in silence death of sex and love addiction, as the person looks and seems normal but they have addiction that is un-tangible or foreseeable in some one as its committed mostly behind closed doors and goes undetected.

The mask is rotten on the outside, and very apparent to lovers and people who hold the addict dear to their heart, while the addict underneath the mask thinks is going undetected and keeps the life style and the regular routines. the people around the addict want them to recover and change, they will continue to bring up the matter of the sex and the unavailability of the addict in their live and their double life or unmanageability of their life, (this warning light will differ depending how far the addiction has progressed in their life and how desperate they have become) this might take years for the addicts to hold the therapy at constant pace and not give into withdrawal urges.

in my case I am glad there was many talks and pushes from people around me, from both my ex and the relapse partner that I had during the course of 2008 and 2009, I would relapse but I saw progress in my small steps of one day at a time and then longer sobriety of weeks, but never saw months and thought that if I go back to what I felt was love, that I wouldn’t act out. But the constant connection to past and conversations of validation was tempting and did commit to some of the contacts as sexual liaison. the final hit was the intervention in form of me opening up to it and having everything read and analyzed, it felt degrading at the time as I was not welcome and thrown out of the house.

as the feeling of degradation was too much for me and I felt alone and feeling of withdrawal kicking in, I acted out for a month and few days till I hit the bottom when I meet a his friend in a sex house and vowed not to go back

no matter how you find out that your mask is rotten or your hiding yourself under a mask of addiction or social crutch, it’s how you realize and ‘Honour the people around you is the most appraised key, seeking help and keeping the withdrawal under check and going through a phase of sobriety before incorporating back in to regular social schemes.

I have been sober for 3 months and 1+week now, I masturbated yesterday, and wanted to go through some ads but managed to sway away from it and activate my "new normal"

"Keep coming back"

Loose Ends

Floating a way hot air balloon
With the ends floating in the air

Not having anything to tie myself to
A life line of a chute to bring me down

Where is the life, the love the dove
The one that, sought, talked, then walked

I feel as a mist, dense, white the cold
Killing me with your silence, distance, then you watch


Loose ends in an addicts life, refers to fact that they don’t find themselves desirable to be in love or limit themselves in relationships thinking they don’t deserve what they are getting themselves involved in.

Or

their addiction side makes the person unavailable, and to make the truth eminent and for the addiction to be able to go undetected for a long time before things change, as I have referred to it in the past, it feels like harboring a fugitive, while the person who is an addicts knows but feels powerless to change.

In respect to loose ends, my only suggestion is to go under a help or SLAA group and do attend your classes for a long period of time 6 constant weeks recommended before making decision about the class or your bottom lines.
Also with sobriety the addiction fades and you can see in what areas the addiction hindered the addict’s growth both emotionally, spiritually and in other aspects.

It’s been 3 months past one week now, and today I had a lot of sexual urges, that I masturbated at work, took me a while but had to do it, I was walking around work trying to hide it and was getting aggravated with peoples questions that seems redundant to me, and taking up my time from other activities like reading through ads which I would usually had been doing.

I don’t have urge to reply to any and with the new normal I know there is no point of checking out ads as I can’t reply to them or to create future contacts.

I have a trip coming up in two weeks and there are some temptations around it, luckily, I have my family on this trip, so I wouldn’t be alone and act out under temptation or being alone, I just wanted to check that in and be true with myself, as when I hide these thoughts, its most likely it will prevail over me, and twist my arm to go with some sort of sexual intrigue.

"Keep coming back"

My Run Day

I had signed up for 4 competitive and organized runs this year, and one of them was today, The 8km run was in a park with lots of paths and hills and scenic views, it was my second year on that trail so i kind of knew the routes a bit, and was pacing my self knowing where the hill and the descend points were.

driving to the event, i was preparing my self for the run in my head and going through thing like breathing and postures for ascending and descending hills to be easier on my knees, and for some reason imagined seeing him (ex) at the end of the race or some where in middle, out of no where i was chasing a tear down my face.

i go t so emotional over that thought of love intrigue or fantasy that it got me, with my sobriety i though i would get a better hand of my fantasy and intrigues, but it seems the farther i am getting in my sobriety i am getting more involved with my thoughts.

i finished the 8km run respectively under 45 minutes, it was refreshing to start the year in a organized run, and hopefully will continue till the half marathon in the fall with my sobriety.

My therapist has advised me to write about my emotions and it will clear things up, but the more i write the more involved i get with my emotions over the ex, and cant seam to run from the constant thought and memories that come up. as its apparent i haven't had a good way of dealing with it so far and don't have a concrete method of dealing with it, i am taking it one at a time and i try not to let it get me to lose my 3 months sobriety as a main goal for now.

"Keep coming Back"

A Watch Story

Dear Blog
If you recall I told the watch story the EX told me and I was mute about mine, I had a similar situation, where I lost my watch while having sex with someone.

This watch meant a lot to me as it was the first watch I bought with my CO-OP placement in engineering, and I spend almost all of my first pay cheque on this watch and loved it, never needed a battery and looked classic and elegant, who ever saw it wondered what brand it is and how simple and elegant it was.

I owned this watch till 2006, after coming back from Israel. I was devastated that I am back at home and no job prospects were holding well, I was constantly on internet looking for sex and quick hookups, where one day I meet a guy on the internet and an hour later I drove all the way down town, to have my quick gratification.

I recall that day I took off my watch and put it by a table and never to pick it up again, and I called back several times he never picked up the phone and weeks later when I called again he said "I got your message but there is no watch here" I count call the guy a thief and make a big deal out of it, so I just left it bee and continued to act out more.

The story was similar to the EX, but I couldn’t bring myself to share this incident with him, as I felt a shamed of my past and the addiction that I was willing to hide it than tell my story.

As I blogged earlier about my therapist recommending to remove myself from items that I relate to my EX, as yesterday when I wanted to put his watch down and wear my old ones, I found my other watches both dead, I don’t know if I should take it as a sign or just a coincident.

I hope that, that if you’re reading this and you’re a sex addict, that you’ll start being honest with people around you and find a sobriety that will hold you dear to yourself and your loved ones.

I’ve been sober for 3 months and 5 days now, no sex and contact with any one; I masturbated yesterday after almost a week of being depressed and down.

"Keep coming back"