100th Post

Wow I didn’t realize this but, I've Reached my 100th post today.

My other gallery closed today, and went to pick them up today, I was somewhat happy from the feedback secretary had for the pieces, and what she felt like when they were down and walls were empty and no sculpture in the room, she said "It's depressing now with walls white and empty" and "people loved your pieces", I thanked her as much as I was ecstatic and happy to see her reaction and hear of other peoples reaction towards the pieces.

on my drive yesterday home from the SLAA class I had this wave of boost from the class, and specially one thing that one of the participants said, which was to "cut the Anchors" "loose the weight" whatever that is bothering you, get rid of them, specially from names or contact to items and belongings.

I will be making a list of actions to take and what to do and I will share it on upcoming days, of what they are and what I feel is holding me back from true sobriety and freedom.

I guess the only thing I can I can recommend is to go through your belongings or your contact and list of friends and remove what you find as triggers or defaults to reset your sobriety and remove those object or people from your life.

Keep your comments coming and please participate in the poll as well.

Six Months Chip

6th month now without sex
I feel anorexic without love

I have this disease that I can’t show any one
It not a mold on my back or a legion on my face

How can someone fathom this?
Delicate as Fire to a Cotton ball at hand

The boy inside me crying of fear
as not yet grown to be a Man

Poem by blogger


Today I got my 6th moth chip of being sober on my main bottom line of not having sex with any one, I feel good and at the same time still lost and feel anorexia and withdrawal that I keep controlling by monitoring closely.

tomorrow my last gallery of 6month show is closing, it was in an big and high traffic office downtown and it was somewhat successful, and generated hits on the website and sold a piece of sculpture.

Today after the chip presentation, the reading consisted of monitoring and watching stress levels in addiction, which included withdrawal and their symptoms.

Some symptoms listed
- Quick to judge on situations
- showing pride and arrogance to cover up
- Quickly get aggravated and angry
- No patience for people close to you
- And distancing yourself from people that love you

A lot of these symptoms I could relate to and could agree with and perhaps more that one can add to this list based on self observation and catching the signals.


During the past week I have really been thinking about the past and how many people I have done wrong and to the extent that I am realizing now. I know I don't want to make it an excuse but I was truly a sex addict and emotional detached from anything.

All I wanted was sex and would do anything to get, it is sickening now that I think about it with my 6 month sobriety to the lowest and darkest places I pushed myself to go in order to get my quick gratification and emotional detachment.

I ran away from people who showed motions after sex and distant myself from people to know my true identity, via alias name and different back ground and identity.

Through all this, one incident popped-up, last year in the fall when I was trying to mend thing between me and Mass we went for a walk in beer district and as we were talking he ran into a jewelry store, and it was unlike him do that and as we walked around the store I walk around as well but I notice him he was there for different reason. that time I was new to SLAA and I was trying to practice my steps, and one of the steps was to practice relationship with people who are available, emotionally and physical, and that day he went into that store because he saw a handsome tall muscular guy walk in there, he later on said so to me and I really didn't see any one else there but him.

Make every concrete effort to stay sober for as long as you've set your goals for, and when integrating yourself back to the society and "HEALTHY" sex life, make sure you find someone who understands what sex addiction is and the face you’re a sex addict (like a cancer patient as earlier blogged) you might have some bad days some times, and that your available for one person emotionally and physically and your partner should be in same level. Otherwise it would be a co-horsed reaction and might trigger slips and back to square one with sex addiction back into your life.

Cry Me A River

I've been listening to non top 40 music on my drive to work and places for therapy and SLAA, with my post earlier I can’t listen to top40 as it triggers me, they are all mostly about sex, or having sex with violence and graphic description in chorus of the songs.

One of the CD's been listening to is Michael Bublé, and I love this song from the moment it played, with it crescendo and drama of a opera and mellow of theatre, I feel like it’s written for two lover that one cried and other only cried after they parted, other parts are about how one is was untrue


You drove me, nearly out of my head
While you never shed a tear babe
Remember? I remember all that you said
You told me love was too plebeian, 1
Told me you were thru with me

Cry me a river, cry me a River
cus I cried a river over you

By: Michael Bublé - Cry Me A River


I miss him terribly this week, as much as I want to pretend I haven’t thought about him this month, which i have, I’ve gone sleepless and numb without his embrace and presence for 6 months now, and today I feel like I am having a huge withdrawal and want to show him that I still care for him. I know I can’t and I have doubts that he still misses me, and again I would be left at the door way with the door being shut on my face.



1- Plebeian
- One of the common people of ancient Rome.
- A member of the lower classes.
- A vulgar or coarse person.

Celebrating 6th month

Today I celebrated my 6th month of sobriety with almost a week of going without any internet browsing through inappropriate content.

It felt good crossing this mile stone, although feels longer than 6 months and been hard taking it one day at a time, it feels well worth going through the suffering and withdrawals.

I really wanted to go to the SLAA class today and revive my 6 month sobriety chip but as things escalated downtown and weather forecast was terrible I canceled going down town and I went shopping, got myself a gift for passing this mile stone, and will definitely go to the other SLAA class on Tuesday for my sobriety chip and regular fellowship program.

I've revived a comment recently on my blog, it’s refreshing to hear about other people reactions and their way of dealing or coping with situations or addiction life style, in this comment, it was about crying, tears are natural method of grieving or showing emotions, doesn't make any one less of a human or a man to cry or show their true genuine feeling and emotions by expression. Ones expression could be different to other but feelings have to be express in order to be observed and crate a reaction back.

For instance I couldn't read through my Ex. I would notice things were bothering him when he was quite or at times angry and would quickly get upset, I tried to fight to get over my issues with those but could never get him to express his genuine feeling for anything and would stay neutral in all important decision making processes.

Thank you for your comments and words of wisdom left, much appreciated, and keep your comments coming.

White for Peace

Ti amo così tanto il mio cuore fa male
Mi brucia come una candela, e si fondono come il ghiaccio
quando mi rendo conto, quanto dolore che vi ho causato
Mi dispiace molto, perdonimi mio amore

Poem in Italian by blogger


I am dedicating this post for the past and want to make amend to it, it's in broken Italian that I've learned, and have looked up.

I’ve had a good weekend so far, and knowing tomorrow is 6 month of sobriety with my main bottom line of not having sex with any one and not contacting any one from the past, I am bit happy with those progress as one day at a time got me this far.

I have made a solid promises to stay sober on my next leg of therapy, that is to stay sober and clean on all other bottom lines including internet and going through the wanted ads, I keep getting few days and I go back to look and obsessively masturbate.

I really didn't have time to speak to my therapist about this on my last session as it was mainly focused on family and progress of my ability to develop and open up myself to them and free myself, and come out to them.

Today was a long day, there is a family wedding coming up and its involves shopping and planning, it’s been couple of week that my family is working on logistics of our travel to Washington DC and I know I will be with family and staying with family so I am safe on grounds of acting out or wanting to act out. But stress full due to travel and just being with them in close contact for few days spending time on road trip where things just could go wrong after hours of being in the same car. (fighting over what music to listen to, and how we took a wrong turn or when we should stop for next restroom break and food) just small things which every family goes through I think, but it gets me as I always thought of a perfect family where everyone gets a long by being co-operative.

I had a good Saturday spend driving my sister around to shop for a wedding dress with her, and did a bit of choirs around the house. I want to go to the SLAA class tomorrow for 6th month of sobriety and receive my chip but I think it’s not wise as there is a bit of anarchy happening this weekend downtown and not wise to travel there for now, I will definitely go to Tuesdays class in case I can’t go tomorrow.

Spritual Understanding

Yesterday I was participating in my spiritual gathering and someone had a very interesting insight and shared it with the community, they spoke very briefly but it left every one with a very deep and meaningful eye opener.

Their vision was "do you believe your a human with a soul OR a soul in a humanly body"
And if one puts the correlation of the human before the spirit it is as stone and the one putting the spirit before the body is as vision of god.

I was thinking about it the whole night yesterday and was saying to myself how much I put my bodily desires before my spiritual growth and how far I have come but how much deprived my soul is, and I have over compensated for one with the other actions.

I was brought up in a very spiritual upbringing memorizing quotes and passages and going to Sunday-schools every weekend, saying prayers before going to bed, all of this changed when we came to north America, the emphasis was to try to catch up with the life style here, and forgot the roots and at least way of life that I was used to.

when I was discovering my sexuality, as much as it felt normal to be gay or stuck in bisexual state and in constant withdrawal, I would have perhaps sought refuge in prayers and meditation, but I never did, I quickly sought shelter in the closet and did everything behind closed doors, as much as I thought I was being very discreet it was apparent to everyone else, like an ostrich with its head in sand, everyone saw me acting out of my usual self but I thought I was handling it well.

I want to let everyone know that through a well lady out spiritual and guided path you'll find sovereignty and pride in your sexuality and free yourself of the shackles and bastinados that family and your bygones laid before your path.

Free yourself, and take flight in the right direction.

Love or Poison

I've had a good week, besides some withdrawal tantrums.
I went to the SLAA class yesterday, and there was a huge turnout of about 22 to 25 people. We shared our struggles and I was honest about my fact that I've been sober for 5 months and 3 weeks but I am finding it hard to stay away from internet wanted ads and pornography.
going into class I had the questions of being the cross road and wanting to go back to old relationship with my Ex and as well as continuing my sobriety, it was almost God sent by being in the class, as the reading for the week was about companionship and relationships.

This reading from the SLAA book on sex addiction, it highlights crisis in doubts when revisiting old relationships, and how being under scrutiny is not easy without having the support of the partner and acceptance of the fact you’re a SEX ADDICT in therapy, like a cancer patient going through radiation therapy, some days will be harder than others and some days will be worse. I can attest to this as I went back and revisited old relationship and started a new one in the middle which both didn’t work out, because of sex addiction undertone in the relationship which created a big mistrust and doubt in partners, which in return I was under a lot of stress for me.

I chose this posting on "Love or Poison" because of my therapist meeting this morning, it was apparent on my agenda that I wanted to come out to my family, I have tried telling them that I am gay after years of experimentation and knowing I am truly gay and I will only be happy being gay.
I have told my mother in 2008, when she asked me what’s going on with me and if I wanted to tell her anything. (I thought mothers know for sure) and I wanted to create some sort of a basis to introduce my Ex to her and my dad if she told him that is.

But it didn’t go according to plan or the way I was hopping, she refused to believe it and said that I haven’t tried my best to change and she continued to blame it on herself for miss upbringing.

My mom cried for days I would find her in her huge walk in closet or in bathroom and shower with door closed and water running while crying so my dad wouldn’t find out. I was devastated and told her that I didn’t choose to tell you, you should have prepared yourself when you asked me? And if you weren’t ready why did you ask?

Today the therapist made me feel comfortable and assured that my action was the right action to take and to tell her the truth was the best mode of action versus lying and devastating her even worse later on. Therapist also mentioned about the guilt factor I am feeling that it was perhaps my mother’s way of disapproval and detrainment from my course of my sexual freedom.

I still have on my agenda to come out of the closet to my family in the next 6 month and since I know my mother knows and she had death with her problems over this, it would be supporting to have her on my side when I tell my dad and perhaps my siblings, as much as I know that they all know and are waiting to hear it from my lips.

Be true and honest to yourself and if it takes to discover your true sexual freedom and expression in open, don’t be settle about it and create confidence as only by hiding it oppression and dark clouds will gather over you.

Last Tick Of The Watch

I want to write a poem
But i cant, so much sorrow in my head

I feel empty, out of ink
Where will i go without you i sink

I go on but your in my thoughts
Every where i go i see you around

Poem by: Blogger


Today I was putting on his watch to go to work, and I realized that its not moving date is stuck on 20th and time shown is wrong, the battery had died on it. I looked back today on my blog to December 20th, and it was the last time I spoke with him on the phone ever, and yesterday was exactly 6month from out last phone conversation.

I read that blog, I recall talking with him and he was very distant and still angry at me and with resented me very much, he said some very mean words and rude comments, but I deserved them all at that time as I wasn’t a best companion nor a boyfriend to him.

I had forgotten about it, and the fact that it was 6 month and his watch was there blowing the whistle today as a reminder, was no co-incident as much as I like to brush it off.

I am lost in between two worlds now, one wanting to be sober and other wants to go back to my ex. it hurts inside not seeing him and not knowing a single thing about him for 6 month now.

I have been sober on my main bottom line of no sex for 5 months and 3 weeks now and I have a few days on my bottom line of no contact with any one and reading the wanted ads.

So help me god still.


Keep the comments coming and still looking to generate more votes on the Poll.

Cutting my Seat Belt!!!!!!!!!

After my post yesterday I felt I shared a lot and as much as "Truth shall set you free" I did feel a bit ashamed and naked by telling all of the past incidents that happened leading to the acting out and breakup.

I had a dream last night about climbing rocks on a 4x4 and the massive wheels of the car wouldn't get passed the rocks as the little seat belt buckles would get the car stuck, I went back and kept trying to climb this rock and finally I cut the seat belt on and drove off to climb the rock, and I woke up at this point in sweet.

I don't know significance of the dream, but I keep thinking about it over and over all day.
Some thoughts was that
- I am getting close to the milestone of 6 month
- I am getting over the addiction
- And one of the thought was everything okay with Mass....

This weekend, I was welding and finishing the angel sculpture it has wings and all now it’s in my backyard and getting ready to rust and look pretty over time. I didn't like the rusting effect of my pieces at first but Mass.. Showed me how they look great when they build character with rust and ever since I haven't really painted the pieces, ill post pictures of it when it gets covered with rust and looks much more reddish.

Triggers, , , Bang, , , That Shot Me Down

Its start of the night and I'm dreaming of you
Heart aches, and I want to scream out to you

Roaming my though of the things caused triggers
But still can’t find what I deemed as Amo in my trigger

How much burning will I feel, how much can I take
Light this fire in this heart, and away these thoughts I take

Poem by: blogger


There have been few thoughts that I had shared in the past 6 months of blogging, and some I have been keeping to myself, I feel that it’s provoking me to do the current hunting on the net or seeking validations since i am being taunted and provoked by them or feel insecure and not wanted when i reflect back.

Mostly are thing that the last person (Mass..) did and or I observed through his actions, some made me jealous that there is yet another guy and I am just being tested and if I fail he would go back to him, and others made me feel that I can’t uphold what he once saw and what I was to him in his eyes.

The list goes on as the thoughts ravages through my mind, and I just want to write them out of my head, and just cleanse my thoughts through telling them on the open.

FIRST-AID
When Mass was going to interviews and was trying to close the new job, he was looking for some of his credential document as proof, and he was looking for the first-Aid Certificate. He searches all over but didn't find it, and when I started helping him to find it, as he was getting aggravated and upset, and I didn't want to see him that way.
i helped and searched the kitchen drawers and the upstairs bed side tables, what I found in there just throw me off the wagon, there was phone numbers and names on bar cards and bathhouse papers, hidden in a basket and drawer, and among other things like toys and popper and lube that we never use.
I couldn't think any longer i went blank and distant, I asked to go shopping that day as I just couldn't take the fact that there was another interest in his life nor could comprehend why he would keep those papers to this day if they were old acquaintances, things I saw broke a little inside me and I couldn't stop the cracks from showing through in my further action and addiction.


YOU LEFT A KEY
I loved the man so much that I never touched an item out of place nor went through any of his belonging respecting him and believing in him so much, I had chances to go through the whole house when he wasn't home or go through his laptop to find something i probably didn't want to see.

One night he went out for dinner with his friends (so he said) and i was not invited, i was okay as i thought probably i would be judged again like Adam Incident, (below) i went to scout for places for the gallery and to see the cafe shop i was planing on renting for a few weeks.

He left me a key to come over when i was finished, that day i had some terrible thoughts in my head because i wasn't given option of being at that dinner, i thought who is he with that i am not invited, and why was he distant leading up to the mystery dinner.

I resisted the thoughts of breaking his privacy and the respect i had for him to go through his items and find something and make a big deal out of them since i had the key and the time till he got home to go through his laptop.

I stayed at the cafe till late hours observing people and the traffic flow of the place and left around 8 to go to his house knowing that he said he will be home by that time, diving over i gave him a call and he said he was driving people and abruptly spoke in a fast and aggravated tone and hung up, now i was totally suspicious of who he is driving home that he cant talk on the phone and why was he acting way out of character.

He would never know that what i did that night was to prevent my self from disrespecting him, but i believe he still thinks i am the guilty one that night, while i had my proof though silence and distance that i got from him.


A HOUSE VISITOR
one evening He mentioned that there are some visitors coming over, and I probed to find out who they were, and two of them I knew and the two other one I didn't, he didn't say much beside that they 2 others are new friends that I haven't meet before. once they were over, I made them feel welcome by putting out the plate and cheese and crackers as if they were my guest, but next thing I know He was gone with one of the guests, when I asked the guest where he was they all said he is showing the house to one of the couples, (the younger boy around my age) I suspects something wrong at but I said to myself that he is just showing him the new house perhaps he has never been here before.

until they left and when I asked where exactly do you know them from, and he mentioned that he meet them at a sex house and the partners are open and the older is a pitcher and younger is the catcher, I couldn't stop the train from derailing to think what happened upstairs was not just showing the house nor was just a friendship,

He probably had feelings for that boy, that he didn't say anything to me and went upstairs, and what ever happened up there I couldn't stop to think about it, as that day he wasn't showing much affection to me and sat across from me the whole time and later on in the evening sat beside me knowing I was showing a bit of discomfort with what had occurred and happening.


SUSHI ANY ONE
His favorite friend was in town, and she invited every one out to sushi and to catch up, I offered to drive every one, and was supposed to go by his best friends place and pick him up as well; I was okay about it all and really wanted to see her daughters and see them in a social setting.
while driving to pick his best friend up, he called it off, and it was all exchanged in text messages and when we were in front of the building and waiting he said go he is not coming, I asked why, response was a bit cold and low in tone that he got a stomach ache and when I asked again do you want to go and check up on him as he is his best friend, he kind of snapped at me that he is sick and will be okay,

I drove towards the restaurant, even though I had the address and kept saying that we are going in wrong direction he said I know where we are going, (I knew him for so little time but knew something was wrong) he wasn't thinking straight stressed out and silent the whole time, we parked, and started walking and I said see this is the wrong street, he didn’t say much and we returned to the car and drove back in the right direction.

Dinner went well and I enjoyed it all, but he was out of character the whole night, and I kept wondering whets going on, and one day I confronted him that his friend wasn’t sick that day what happened, he mentioned that his friend didn’t approve of me and didn’t want to see me with him. I gasped for air literally inside and went cold so fast that I just had to go for a walk.

I knew the addict inside me would come out sooner or later, and even though I was seeking my validation only through Internet and as I recall I wasn’t acting out physically yet, I was to break sooner or later.


DINNER WITH ADAM
we had a Dinner once at his house and his best friend (the one who was sick the restaurant night) Adam was to cook the meal and to bring his partner, I said okay to be there with him, I got couple of wine on my way down, as much as I knew his friend knows about the whole first break up and my addiction issues, it didn’t sit well with me, I attempted to show my genuine side and be patient with his friend.

I was tested in every level by someone who I only meet a handful of time, he didn’t say much to me the whole night, talked to me through Mass, or the time I asked Mass that he should taste this vegetable that it tasted great, he didn’t say much in return either, and I felt was ignored the whole night, with every attempt I made to be social with them, I tried to mention this to Mass that I feel a bit uncomfortable how I am being talked to but he brushed it off, I didn't want to make the situation worse by making a deal out of nothing.

I attempted to make friends with Adam by complimenting him on his food and filling up his cup, and with every turn I felt a stiff back hand on my face, and I was running out of checks to turn, I went cold and silent for the rest of the night like flickering light going out, being ignored by Mass and just picked on by the guests.



Ive been thinking about these for months and took me days to put them down in writing as the longest post.

I am not justifying my actions by what occurred prior or in the course of my addiction prevailing over me, but I do believe that the chain of events was much greater than what I was capable of controlling and handling.

I've made a new bottom line to live the next 6 month being totally sober of any tool and affliction by any one or any mean, I will set the pace of precedent of being totally sober of my past and continue to live a sober life. No more email or web approval and to my main bottom line of sex or physical contact with anyone.

So help me God.

Stuck in Between

Stuck between my youth and Adult-hood
Where do I fit in all this neighborhood?

As the Jaws of Life crimping on me
Where would I be without you babe

I move on but this won’t pass
As test of time this won’t last

Poem by: blogger


Moving on to my 7th month of being single and out of all this I have been sober for 5 months and 3 weeks tomorrow, just a reality check with other bottom lines that were broken, I could have controlled them at the time but mainly I believe the incident that occurred in turkey and in the elevator heightened my sexuality and willingness to expose myself when I came back home.

This post I want to put emphasis on being stuck between the youth and the adult life style, it’s a huge cap of taking on big responsibilities and go for the big goal in life, most of this generation still lives at home and has no means of taking the big leap forward to being single and living on their own.

Is current generation JADED or are we just SEXED OUT too much from media that we have fantasy of what ideal partner or love should be that we seek comfort in media versus real life and style.

I am still searching for all these answers in my life and trying to comb through it with my sobriety, perhaps food for thought for those of you who haven’t come across this mile stone yet.

I havent recived any feed back or comment lately, and wanted to encourage you to participate in the poll in the top right hand side.

thanks

Voice mail of MASS.....

Miss you Babe, I miss you SO much
Can’t compel how it is without you by my side

Miss your voice and comfort so much
Can’t replace it with voice mail and such

I keep reliving you and your touch
Can’t believe you’re gone and I feel empty so much

Poem: By blogger


I became much more sick over the weekend, and I went to a walk in clinic this morning and was given prescription for the ear infection and told to stay home to rest another day.

While calling to the office to inform about the sick day I had a flash back of 2 years ago when I was sick with tonsillitis, it was only days that i had meet Mass, but he called me and left me a voice mail. i kept the voice mail till i changed my number and lost it, but the voice mail keeps playing over and over in my head to this day, at that time i probably didn't value that voice mail as i do today.

"Hey I hope my boy is feeling better, daddy is thinking of you, and get well soon, call me back when you got time."

I didn't get to the SLAA class yesterday because I was really sick, and I haven't been online or gone through any form of inappropriate sites either.
I am still sober on my main bottom line of not having sex with anyone but I have broken my other bottom line of contact and reading wanted ads. Sober for 3 day currently on these bottom lines.

I'm Down With a Cold

Its been a Crummy weekend with the weather and my health, i got a cold earlier in the week and i though i had it under control and has gotten worse and i went to pharmacy today to get some stuff to help my sneezing and runny nose.

I had planed to finish the angel sculpture this weekend so i could bring it home and show case it in the backyard, but i guess has to wait till next week.

I was upset that i couldn't beat the cold, was it because of my health and thoughts just had me wondering and getting me more wound up, While resting i still cant turn this addiction off, looking through adds, and i think i have a huge obsession about it, sometimes i think i can see him or he can see me online and things could even out by me seeing his post online or a sign of something that he is moving on. or perhaps that he is not taken and still available

I know i have a long road on my recovery, and still check in with my thoughts and actions, i will bring the topic of going through adds online and addiction of seeing him online with my therapist next session.

I will try to go to the SLAA class tomorrow if i can with the cold, and its all up in the air for now.

While i was resting i watched several movies and couple of articles beside being on inappropriate sites, one of the movies i watched was "Flashback of a Fool" stars Daniel Craig, (recent James Bond star which looks allot like Mass. Ive told him this but he doesnt think so,)beside thinking of the X, this movie is about a boys sexuality and how far he was deviated from his origin to stop feeling a loss and his wrong choice of action which lost his girl. Its a great movie, of power struggle and sexual addiction undertone.

thanks for all those who are voting on the Poll, keep the comments coming too, much appreciated.

Internet Addiction

This virtual world of Internet is addictive, and can’t seem to put a lid on it, and can’t seem to put it down.

With its anonymity and anonymous sense of hiding behind a monitor and just getting my gratification without the need to meet someone for physical activity is a bonus at this stage as if I had to act out it would be a slippery slope back to where I was last year.

In other aspects I feel like a relapse is in order as only gratification through the Internet will only last so far and so long.

I had a meeting with my therapist yesterday and I talked extensively about how I feel terrible about my health and over the course of this past month some signs tell me I’m not the same person from years before, like I can’t finish a 10km run without walking a bit of it, or by aches for days after my runs as recovery is taking longer.
All this stress adding to my want and need of gratification to tell me I am still okay and normal.

I am sorry I am doing this but I can’t deal with my health in any way or form, as it’s here to stay and nothing can change or alter that for now. I get upset and angry over it at times but have managed to deal with the anger by moving forward in life and looking at my current achievements than my past crisis.

I also mentioned about the fact I haven’t gone to SLAA classes following the plan of coming out to the group, it scared me so much to come out to a group that I personally choose not to go there. The Dr. mentioned that it’s all in my head and I should attend and have a longer goal of coming out than your immediate following class.

The Dr. also recommended two things, either I continue the road of recovery or don’t, and re assured me to take it one day at a time and you’ll be back to where I was prior to Internet broken barriers.

Thoughts of You is Like a Bullet

Set me free N' set that bullet free
Every thought of you just relapses bare in me

I set my self free but keep coming back to me
Back to the thoughts of once we had you see

Cant forget how you once looked at me
Tears in my eye, rolling down on me

Once I felt like a ghost
Then you came along

Life was potent when you were around
Now all barbwires have me surround

Poem by Blogger


I try my hardest not to go on line or reply to any mail, and it worked I was abstained from internet yesterday, till

I started watching the movie "International" with Clive Owen as main star, I couldn’t help it notice how much he looks like him with big nose and big smile, I slipped after his thoughts came to my head, it was around early 12 am hours when I broke my one day sobriety of internet and replied to couple of adds, and masturbated to some of the explicit descriptions of the ads, even though I wasn’t going to go through with them, I just couldn’t control the factor of seeking attention with my addiction.

I am really beat up over thoughts and past keep chasing me in my head but can’t move forward if I don’t write them out of my head one by one. I feel that this method works for me as some of the things I have blogged about don’t bother me anymore, I feel like I’m writing them off or telling them to my trusty sponsor then I can move forward when I stop re-living the past.

I hope you can take this as a pointer and incorporate a diary or a sponsor into your addiction method to get well sooner.

Living Under Shadow of An Angel

where i go i feel this warmth
A guiding light, brighter than sun

Feathers are soft as i fall a sleep
Hallow is bright guiding my hollow night

Caring knowing pain of my heart
Leaving me room to fly and

poem by: Blogger


Ive been good so far on this weekend, i am still sober on my main bottom line of not having sex with any one, and have masturbated multiple times to keep my self in check.

one thing about this addiction is to admit to what you have done wrong, admit your wrong action to your self and sponsor, and so far i know of opening up my communication lines through the Internet and chatting with people about top of sex or getting together while i don't want to break my bottom line. i get off on approval factor of the Internet chats, and masturbate to it.

Over the course of past two weekends i have been welding and putting the sculpture together, its and angel bust with hallow so far with room to install a wing in the back, all made from round punched metal scraps, its massive and weighs a lot in comparison to my past pieces.

I try to fill my spare time with activities like the sculpture making and running for the up coming 10 mile run to stop my self from acting out online or ultimately breaking my main sobriety of no sex with any one, and i have about 5 month and 1.5 week so far on that bottom line.

I continue to struggle on making my life more stream line and less stress full for my self to increase my self esteem to stop looking approval on line.

Through The Heart

I don't have much to Blog today except that i found this image that reads

"Through The Heart All Beings Find Their Foothold"

Its very meaning full and though provoking, to me it means to follow the heart and you'll be okay, and meaning of life formed from love is everlasting.

I hope it lifts any ones spirit.

Constant Wave Of Withdrawal

Oceans of sorrow, no land in this hallow
Come save me with my constant S.O.S.

Drowning in love and your surreal face
Cant hold this longer, being without your grace

Getting cold in this sea of icy waters
Want to close my eyes 'n be warmer when I see you

Poem: by Blogger


Its been a hard week, so far to keep my self out of trouble and in line with my main bottom line, i have been online ive read through ads, and replied to some and to others ive masturbated, or just made a fool of my self by creating intrest and not going through with any one. i feel terrible by how much grasp my addiction has over me till i masturbate and only post masturbation i feel the anguish and hurt of acting out.

I had a project of installation where, i was over seeing a job, and one of the installer who i deal with on regular basis, drooped a huge panel on their foot as it was oily and slippery i rushed over to see what happened, nothing major as he was wearing safety shoe but a bit scraped on the ankle,

As i was giving them ride back to their shop on my way back to office, i asked again how is the leg, he replied "Its nothing compared to getting your heart broken".

i was gaspoing for air inside, as that line got my attention, I asked why would you say that, and it comes out that he is breaking up with his wife, but he doesnt want to and is sorry for what he did but cant go back and replace the pieces of the past.

I wanted to say more but kept it to my self, all i replied was that it will all be okay at the end, you'll see.

what do people think out there does the line "THIS TOO SHALL PASS" work on just about every thing or you cant get the Special event or people out of by just Time.

PS; thank you for the last reader who left a comment about what triggers your addcition.

Out of The Frying Pan, Into The Fire

love this photograph, when i saw it and had to share it on my blog, this photography tittled 'into the fire' taken from Idiom "out of the frying pan, into the fire" line meaning; If you get out of one problem, but find yourself in a worse situation, you are out of the frying pan, into the fire.

I feel that way sometimes, that my addiction is a uphill battle with every turn things keep getting harder and cant collect my enery to fight it and some days i fall short of my power and go on the internet.

I still have managed to stay sober on my main bottom line of no sexual contact with any one and sex mainly with any partner.

ive also added a POll that you can participate in and vote on what triggers your addiction and your addiction drug of choice.


SEE TOP RIGHT CORNER FOR THE POLL
(you can select multiple answers)
please participate and support me on my fight by proving there are others out there and i am not alone in my addiction.