Feeling Homeless

Homeless

I yelled and shouted
But only in my head

I clawed and crawled
But only in my thoughts

I loved and kissed
Only in my fantasy

I moved in with you
But only in my words

Actions fell short of any
When push came to shove

I was an addict in recovery
That though it saw the end of addiction

End of tunnel! But wasn’t that light,
Course of relapse has its name

I am homeless in my heart
Relapse no more; won’t you give me an arm?



It’s been 5 weeks, and today I went and joined another SLAA group downtown.
It was different and I though perhaps I could connect with people who are in the same boat and situation, but it was cold on the first session, not too many attended. I talked about my ordeal and what has helped me so far as some people had real ordeals with theirs and someone was specifically asking for help. This person was afraid of being alone, and I could since it in their tone of voice and understand them.

you can’t talk back in SLAA there for I reached out in the consultation session by instating what has helped me so far, by going through the class having this Blog to write down my thoughts and be honest with yourself. Also did mention about creating bottom lines and sticking to them perhaps having a therapist helps as well.

Today I found myself alone and wanted to act out, and I was downtown I would be easier but I quickly left the class and drove home and watched a movies and Grammies
And I am still active in my own spiritual community and have taken up more role as before I had given up fearing that it might be too much for me.

5 weeks now that I am sex free and I have not contacted any one for sex I have masturbated and abstained from physical contact with others.

"Keep coming back"

One month Chip

One month

This month is number one
Two months without you next to none

I strive with every step forward
But shake with glimpse of the past

I am hunted day by day, image by image
Of what I was doing to you

I try not to call or call you at all
I feel as I am sentenced to death

Kick that tripod let this hang me loose
Don’t execute any plan I fear I am dead


It’s one month of superiority and got my chip, its yellow, Color of health and serenity.

I don’t have much to blog, I am a bit depressed and cold, fear of life time of loneliness and staggered thoughts that haunt me.

I have not contacted any one, and have not had sex for over a month now.
I have masturbated and checked porn on line and read through wanted ads to masturbate

Also I signed up for another 4 runs this year leading up to a half marathon in the fall. Wish me luck

“Keep coming back"

No needs

No Needs

No needs, No Deeds

I am thorn, but not born

I am stricken, but not weakened

I am sad, but not mad

I am in therapy, but not in misery

I am in a group, but it’s not a troop

I feel lonely, but not phony

I crave attention, but don’t need detention



today I cleaned up the car and I came across little remains from the Christmas tree that I bought for him, I got weak and felt alone for the moment, I saw myself slip a bit and got emotional over it and wanted to cry, I pulled myself together and marched through it.

Last night I really wanted to see him in my dreams, as they feel so real, and because I miss him so much but there was nothing that I remembered by the time I woke up, sometimes I smell him in the air but he is not really not there.

I have signed up for another series of 4 runs this year again, this would be my 3rd half marathon, 16 km, 10km and 8km run that is monitored. they keep me busy and feel like I achieve something through them, (or is it the fact that I want to run away from my own life) not sure but running feels good I feel free when I am alone and the road is long as the eye can see.

I will be going to my SLAA class tonight, I have not objectified any one and have not had sex either, I have masturbated and cruised through adds online and found some adds to get me off.

Deja vu

I am seeing Deja Vu

Everywhere I look and every where I turn
I see his eyes, turning right at me

His hand is missing with every turn in bed
Feeling sad and lost in all this sand

Every grain that falls in sand clock
Where do I turn as I feel in a lock?

I see him speed walk and talk
As I try to only catch up

Every time I see his car
A butter fly forms in my car

It’s not him driving but only someone else
I don't dare to wonder where he is now

I can’t wait till I fall a sleep
Since I see him even in my dreams

Dreams that seem so real
I don't want to wake up

Now I'm trying to fall a sleep
But in my dreams, where do I begin



i had such a bad weekend, i feel crummy and so cold, isolated and alienated.
cant do this without love, or is it my addiction talking?
i did every thing possible to not act out, i baked two batches of cookies, i burnt the first one, i made my famous(only at home) chocolate souffle they turned out great.
went to the gym almost every day, i watched numerous blockbuster movies and stayed home.

there was no immediate threat to my soberness, its now officially a month that i have been sex free and not contacting any one for it.

but i have to be honest that i had sex with my ex in my dream, i see him once in a while as some one who is passing by me or just stoking my head,

sometimes i see him driving his car but when i look its not him, its just the same model car, but i pretend its him driving next to me home and ill see him at the dinner table

but i have to recognize that i am a sex addict

"keep coming back"

Breaking the Shackles

after my last posting I realized that it’s been only 3 weeks and not a month yet, never the less I did go to SLAA class and announced my 3 weeks abstention from sex with any one and no contact of any sort, and I plan to keep it that way for now and taking it one day at a time.

Yesterday I had my regular session with my Dr. I told him the truth that in the past I had lied about my past, in order to accept the fact I was relapsing or my competitive side, and how I fell into my addiction

Started talking about how so far it’s been easy but that I am an afraid of relapsing again.

Then I talked about my competitive side, I just want to over achieve and sometimes miss my target by not falling short just by not seeing it and passing it.

I am competitive about how my career is going and want to course correct it and my life but sometimes I feel like its too late now.

I said I have been sex free for 3 weeks and I have not emailed any one for sex or called any one, I also did mention that I read postings online and masturbated to the stories of what people want or their fantasy of what they are looking for and watch regular porn.

we talked about my current gained credential and more certifications that I am going through and exams and reports that are coming up, which are a bit stress full but are keeping me busy for now.

I was a shamed to say allot of this but I felt released from my toxic bonds of lies.

I know honestly is not easy, but its far more rewarding that the lie.

"Keep coming back"

Second Month Without Him

I know I’ve said this that I won’t ponder about him any longer, but couldn't help it over this past weekend, I felt alone I stayed in bed till past noon and went to the gym for two hours of physically draining myself and I’ve been in a lot of muscular pain this weekend and today because of it. (No pain no gain)

I didn't feel like acting out this past two weeks, perhaps it’s the medication of anti depressant that is working, but the last pill I was on, was not working that well and I failed to monitor myself and tell the truth to my Dr. as well as people around me.

But with the new drug I am making better strides.
I had a question this week from a reader, that how long do you think I will be fighting with this, I don’t know if your reading this but I plan to be put myself in a good healthy routine, and with it is till be back to normal and I can introduce a healthy sex life back into my life.

but at most times I feel like a sleeping pit-bull with the drugs and the no sex life, and soon it will wake up and doesn’t matter how big the chain, I will break it and cause harm to someone.

vie had very abnormal sleeping patterns, I sleep really late now, and just thinking, and not being able to turn things off, tossing and turning in bed till 1 or 2 am sometimes.

And my dreams are not happy both they are violent, and things that I can’t make out, it could be from the prescription or the fact that I go to be thinking.

I plan to go to my SLAA class tomorrow and announce the 3 weeks of celibacy.

"Keep coming back"

Long Road to Recovery

So it’s been 3 weeks for me now and as the goal a head is far, again i look in SLAA tip "take One day at a time" where i count one day’s action and try to get through that day.

my masturbation has reduced allot and i have gotten back into being fit at the gym, with this i have come across a few challenges at the gym, with good looking people and physically tempting bodies, with these challenges which i am most drawn to, i tend to go late when its less crowded and mostly order less attractive people are there.

It’s all about avoiding the trigger points, i know what mine are by now and keep discovering some when the points arise and i have been pushed to wanting to act out. A best technique is to remove yourself form the situation, step back and analyze it, how did you end up there, and why did you act out.

Lately since i have introduced masturbation, i want to go and be active physically at a bathhouse or porn theater but so far i have avoided them all together for 3 weeks.
I am not contacting anyone who i have wronged and eliminating the trigger points one by one.

As the recovery road it long but your health and mental well being is paramount as well, when you get a tight grasp on the addiction your life will be much better and you can slowly get back into regular routines, but again keeping your bottom lines in check and not going back to your old routines and sexual urges.

"Keep coming back"

Routine in Addiction

Sex addiction is as easy as a routine in life, which needs to be found and routed from its basis; this method of addiction is visible to everyone else but can be formed as social dominance or high sex drive by 3rd party.

Since sex is mostly practiced behind closed doors no one can really determine if you’re an addict or was it an emotional and loving demonstration of affection, only the party involved can determine that judgment.

A sex addict sees sex as a portal or a vhichle to express or find self gratification; this can be anonymously through masturbation routine or physically through a sex routine.

Each routine is different pairing to the physical and mental capacity or need, each of these routines would start with subtle actions and evolve during the course of some one’s life.

Each sexual act committed releases endorphins in the brain creating a moment of happiness which lasts only few hours. These endorphins are also known as "natural pain killer" in medical terminology.

Similar to prescription painkillers a sex addict would similarly be hooked on these endorphin releases and would commit the sexual act in order to kill emotional or physical pain induced by life or social life.

One downside to the Endorphin release, our brain evolves and demands more action and stimulation in order to release the endorphins, thus creating a catch22 with the body. Meaning the person has to increase the sexual activity duration or heightening to register in the brain.

These can evolve to hours of masturbation to self educing pain to obtain pleasure.

In each extreme, patients have clinically adapted to the situation without themselves knowing, it appears normal and kosher to do it as they see the end reward by endorphin.

Keeping a clean routine with low to no sexual activity is highly recommended for sex addicts; they slowly are introduced to masturbation and given pills if they can’t obtain from sex before the re-equalization.

The sex addicts are cured but it’s a lifelong of watching and keeping to routines and counting your action and monitoring yourself in order to eliminate slipping and relapses.

So far in my routine I have been sex free and I have masturbated only at my own presence only and have not given to the sexual tendencies and fantasies that sometimes come over me.

"Keep coming back"

Happiness seems to be Loneliness

After my last post I thought about how depressed I have been and at the same time with no communication from any one I have been in some ways leveling off with myself that I am no longer continuing to hurt any ones feeling.

the 6 months of no dating and no sex seems to be off to a good start, but there are times that I think about "what if's" of the past and what I should have done in my situation and have divulged in my moment, the best way I can get that though out of my head is to think of work, family or thought that that moment never existed and what I am thinking is not what actually occurred it was just me romanticizing the moment larger than it occurred or self mutilating myself beyond capacity.

for now I am okay, there are thoughts of acting out and meeting someone, with masturbation and self indulgence eg, good meal, shower, or gift to myself and splurging I have kept a clean record for two weeks now.

Don’t forget that it is one day at a time effort and by taking it one day at a time it doesn’t look so cumbersome, as the big image of 6 months can be.

So find your commitment and stick to it, discuss it with your partner and lover about your weakness and or addictions, it helps when there is a support behind you.

"Keep coming back"

"Nympho" sells

Nympho is the commonly used lingo to describe an urge of wanting sex in the society, it is commonly acceptable and considered "HOT" or "IN" lingo.

It’s even appears in songs such as "Move your body around like a Nympho" and in Wanted ads description describing some ones sexual appetite.

it is misused, as Nympho is short for Nymphomania which is a term highlighting disorder for sexual addiction, but today its commonly misused for describing heightened sexual appetite and sexually active!!!

There are two major causes of Nymphomania (sexual addiction) according to The American Psychiatric Association

1- Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)
2- Manic-depression

These two can be scientifically linked to sexual addiction and SLAA, but in some rare cases it found that other disorders can cause sexual depredation and addiction as well.


Wikipedia's definition of OCD & Manic Depression

Obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce anxiety, by repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing anxiety, or by combinations of such thoughts (obsessions) and behaviors (compulsions). The symptoms of this anxiety disorder range from repetitive hand-washing and extensive hoarding to preoccupation with sexual, religious, or aggressive impulses. These symptoms can be alienating and time-consuming, and often cause severe emotional and economic loss. Although the acts of those who have OCD may appear paranoid and come across to others as psychotic, OCD sufferers often recognize their thoughts and subsequent actions as irrational, and they may become further distressed by this realization.

Manic–depressive disorder is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated mood clinically referred to as mania or, if milder, hypomania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes or symptoms, or mixed episodes in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time. These episodes are usually separated by periods of "normal" mood, but in some individuals, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, known as rapid cycling. Extreme manic episodes can sometimes lead to psychotic symptoms such as delusions and hallucinations. The disorder has been subdivided into bipolar I, bipolar II, cyclothymiacs, and other types, based on the nature and severity of mood episodes experienced; the range is often described as the bipolar spectrum.


In my journey
In my experience of sexual addiction, after these readings I would classify myself under the depression due to a sad finding in late 2007.

In which my world was rocked my compass no longer pointed north and I was lost in the sad news, that I couldn’t find myself and sought a sexual path which was casual sex dates and anonymous meetings for sex.

I hope my life lesson becomes an example for others to not have casual sex and also if they find themselves in depression to seek a professional medical help.

Currently I am on a path of 6 months celibacy and I have been good so far, and I take it one day at a time.

"Keep coming back"

Social Crutches

These social crutches are mostly go unseen and are invisible as it has been women into our fabric of society and it seems very normal to get involved in them recreationally and not to notice when your fully have become an addict to.

Drinking
Most people that I have observed in social gatherings, they are very shy and depend on alcohol to break the social ice and open up to the social atmosphere, and for them to enjoy company or let loose.

Some use alcohol to hide their real self and brings out their happy side out for social event, it basically masks the truth till further day.

Others abuse alcohol to subdue the anger and anguish inside them, so they won’t feel the pain or bring them to a happy state where the bigger issues don’t matter, and they stay at this state as long as the bigger problem is gone

Smoking
it’s no longer a cheap habit to smoke, it now its cost as much as a good breakfast or lunch to be smoking, with packet prices reaching 11$ and some smokers puffing two packs away.

Smokers can be classified in a few categories, second hand smoke, social smoker, regular smoker and addict smoker.

-Second Hand Smoke:
They breathe a second hand air in a room or gathering mostly from their spouse or loved one, because they tolerate them or can’t bring themselves to remove them from the situation, with all the research and facts about second hand smoking we might still never know why they do it

-Social Smoker:
Only smokes when they are peer pressured or when it is available to smoke in a gathering or crowed, mostly because they feel missed our or are bullied to smoke socially or fear of being outcast.

-Regular Smoker
they smoke 5 to 10 a day or more to bring their nicotine levels back to the regular state, these group can refrain from smoking if there needs to be, and won’t go out of their way to get their quick nicotine fixes, they have just become custom to a routine which they find themselves hard to get out of

-Addict Smoker
These groups of smokers smoke excessive amount and puff out more than a pack a day.
They can’t seem to find a happy medium, mostly cussed from stress of work social and life style. They will create a hazardous environment to live for themselves loved ones and their pets and plants.
They find every way possible to get their fixes of nicotine in middle of meals to middle of movies and so on.
When confronted with their addiction they become hostile and defensive of their habits, very similar to the extremes in Alcohol addicts, sex addicts and drug addicts.

Drugs
Same way as classified for smokers, drug users fall in casual and leisure to addict life style in drug usage.
These crowed once used drugs as modes of social and sexual heightening to extremes of refuge and where they find drugs as shelter and form of expression.
With intervention these users can seek rehab courses and body cleansing find rehabilitation of living life dug free, it’s usually a long journey but worth traveling for better life style and healthy mind and body.


sex
Sexual addiction where I have a bit more experience with is the toughest issue even for me to crack.

as they say, "the darkest point of guiding light is right underneath it" so it with sex addiction as it goes undetected for a long time till the sexual addict is questioned or caught by whom they are close to.

in our modern North American life style sex is a huge driving factor and it is acceptable to be sexually perverse, heightened or acceptable, but sex is always a find line where it is never distinguished and seems a lot of people in our society are abusing sex and it is being used for allot of validation in life.

Sex feels good and gives a man or a woman a gratification of being wanted and loved, especially when performed with someone who are partnered or in communion with.

Some fall into a routine of sex life style which then becomes shallow and has to be performed almost daily to find a gratification or a fake love which is shallow in it and never lasting.

Sexual addiction is hard to point out and even harder to reveal to loved ones, most sex addicts are healthy range between 16 and 60 they are of healthy health and male and female.

There is cure for sexual addiction, cures range from seeing a group of counseling such as a group SLAA (sex and love Addiction anonymous) which have a 12 step process approach for sex addiction.

There group with regular psychiatrist meeting can keep your addiction in check, and if does get worse there are pills and other methods which your psychiatrist can divulge when you’re in the course of your personal recovery.

Some of these might not be triggering point for everyone but for me for instance sex is something I have an issue with, obstacles that I have on my path are at most not understood by everyone and can’t be divulged except dealt with so as in all addiction I can have a healthy mind and body to live happily

Currently my bottom lies are in tact i have not meet any one for sex, and have not looked for hookup online, but i have gratified my self with online videos and pictures but masturbation is not on my bottom lines, as i i don't see it as a threat to my sorority.

“Keep coming back”

History of Addiction

History of sex addiction is long and been told through history with metaphors and symbolism

I had a big though about this and came to the conclusion that based on the most ancient story of Adam and Eve there lies a simile between addiction and acting out.
Adam had a bite of the forbidden fruit and with that today our society is based on sex which in the most holy books, it’s only shared between two united couple who are under marriage.

We have diluted this theory with dates, casual sex and flings, now there no longer lays a magic in seeing where love can lead a relationship, except how the sex was.

I know this first hand because my EX kept telling me that he fell in for me through the great sex we had meanwhile for me it was much deeper, it was through the actions and things he said.

I don’t think anyone could understand this but for me sex is just a portal of finding quick happiness and fill in voids in my life relating to self image and confidence,

Sex never replaced love for me and I was always looking for that one that will sweep me off my feet.

I hope in 2010 you find happiness and distinguish the difference between your sex or love addiction, and how it pertains to your life, and seek the most appropriate method of dealing with the situation and compel yourself through the process for change and betterment of your life.

Currently my bottom lies are in tact and not seeking any gratification.

"keep coming back"